PLEASE HELP! Is my cancer man not interested anymore??

  • Hello All. Im feeling a little bit better today. Tonight his mom is having a Game party ( His school is playing football ) She has invited everyone over . I have not decided if im gonna go or not. If I don't go im sure I wont hear the end of that one. I think im gonna get upset when I see pictures of him ( Does the make sense ) What should I do girls ?

    Solarity - Yes I am excited about school ! Don't worry if I get any urges to call im gonna jump on here A.S.A.P !! LOL ... I will continue to post any updates I have. I live in MD. The weather has been exactly the same as Monte's ( We must be close ) This weekend it's supposed to be in the mid 70`s ( Pheunomia weather ) Wow your in Florida !!!! Are you near any beaches ? I Love the Beach !!!! I want to go to a Beach for my Birthday ( Oct 24th) I ve been to Chicago a few times . I enjoyed it ! Have a safe trip .

  • What did you decide to do last night Kaplow? And how are you doing? πŸ™‚

    I do live by the beach, yes. I grew up here and moved back when I came for a visit over the holidays...and fell back in love with Florida all over again. Sometimes we have to go away and come back to appreciate things. I think that can be said about many things in life.

  • Hey Guys !!

    Solarity - Im having a really emotional day today . I did not go to his Mom`s house, but I did watch the game. I was ok until I saw him on TV ( He's a coach ) They won the game. I was tempted to call him but I did'nt. After the game went off thats when the text messages started come in . All my girlfriends that know him saying that Im crazy for not trying to date him etc.... It got so bad I had to turn my phone off. I did not go to sleep until 4:30 am ( I had to be to work today by 6:30am ) I was up thinking/crying over the whole situation. Wondering why he hasn't called yet . I even started thinking that sending him that message telling him he hurt my feelings was the wrong thing to do. But he really did hurt my feelings , I would have never do anything like that to him ( Or anyone ) ! Im soooo confused . My friend ( The one that was there when everything happened ) said that he's probably embarresed about the whole situation thats why he's not talking. I don't understand it's not like im unapprochable , He's knows that he can talk to me about anything . I mean when people ( People we really care about ) do things to hurt ( I mean really really hurt us )aren't we surposed to let them know so they wont do it again / I would wan't someone to tell me . I don't know what to do ... I m starting to feel like im the one that has done something wrong. 😞

    I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend...

  • Kaplow: I think that what's done is done - in other words, there is nothing beneficial about worrying about sending your text since it's already been sent. Don't doubt yourself or why you did it. You were hurt, and you told him so. That IS what is important. That IS what friends do, tell each other when they hurt one another - so that it can be worked out, and the hurt isn't repeated again hopefully. And if he's embarrassed about his actions that's his problem. He needs to get over himself. I would have been upset too if a good friend whom I've known since 8, and don't get to see very often bc of distance now, snubbed me pretty much to my face. I don't know many people that would be okay with that sort of behavior. It's rude and childish, honestly. If he has some sort of beef with you he should tell you, but chances are he's just afraid and can't handle/wants to avoid an emotional confrontation now - so he's hiding out until he feels it's safe to talk to you again. It doesn't matter how approachable you are when someone else is afraid of themselves. If you want, if it will help you, send him a neutral text simply congratulating him on last night's game. But leave it at that. It's kinda like waving a white flag, but sometimes it takes being the bigger person to get to a resolution. And if he doesn't respond still, then he's not worth your friendship.

    I'm sorry to hear about your night of woe hun. We've all had those nights, more than we want probably. Get some rest tonight and remind yourself that you start school on Monday, and things are going to look up, you'll see. Have a great weekend - after all you're going to start school and they'll soon fill up with homework. Hugs πŸ™‚

  • Solarity, you are honestly the voice of reason! A few weeks ago I found out some very bad news. I wished I had "Dave" to talk to about it, and he doesn't even know about the situation. Yesterday I sent him a message (haven't tried to contact him since the last update in my thread). All I said was that I have a family member who is gravely ill, and that I have been thinking of him ("Dave" my friend) and that I wished I could talk to him. I wished him well on midterms and told him that I'd like to see him over the holiday break but understood if he didn't want to.

    Of course, no response. Which is finally getting me to see that: it's just as much him, not entirely me. Of course I still have my own battle of insecurities to deal with, and I still can't figure out if it's apathy or animosity he's got between us...but whatever my flaws are that have pushed him away so quickly...anyone who would ignore a "friend" when they are needed clearly has problems of their own.

  • tooralooryeaye,

    anyone who would ignore a "friend" when they are needed clearly has problems of their own.

    Aint that the truth!!

    I am sorry you are going through that, its just not right............

  • Good Morning Everyone !

    I hope you all had great weekends .

    @ Solarity - I did not call him ! It was hard but I held my ground . I did talk to his mom yesterday . The convo was actually kinda nice . She called to check on me . She says that Im always taking care of everyone else , she thought she would check on me . She only mentioned her son once. She said that he was very busy at school and that the last time she talked to him it was only for 3mins. Well atleast she did not question me about him . Im nervous because in 2 weeks Im going to be at his school again ( for business ) I was hoping that by the time I went back that all would be resolved . I don't think I can handle another rude jesture from him. Lord how I wish things were cool again. I miss our friendship so much . I started my class last night . I love it . This class should keep me busy , I already have a report due by Friday . But even while I was studying last night he kept invading my thoughts . I kept wondering what he was doing? was he thinking about us ? etc.... I need to get myself together a.s.a.p

  • @Kaplow: good to hear you're getting yourself busy. As you get further in your class, it will be easier to stop thinking about him. You're doing the right thing! Just getting busy doesn't mean you'll stop thinking about him right away. I'm finding the same thing with my Cancer friend, but it's getting a bit easier as things go forward. I, too, was hoping to have everything resolved by the next time I saw him (US Thanksgiving) but it probably won't happen. I don't know if it will for you or not, but try to do your best to accept whatever happens next time you're at his school. It's hard, I know it's so hard! Don't forget that just because you have to move on that your feelings don't have to change--especially for an emotional, sensitive, caring know that's impossible to stop, most likely. The current status of your friendship shouldn't have to affect the way you truly feel about him, until you're ready to deal with those. I miss my Cancer and our deep friendship too, and of course still care about him, but I'm learning to accept he clearly does not want to be a friend at all right now.

  • Tooralooryeaye: I agree with Piscesstar, and with you. A true friend, no matter how selfish they are feeling, takes time out to be there for a friend in need. It's a shame he can't get his head from out of his arse, but, like you said, no matter what happens you still care about him. That shows your genuine affection for him as a friend, and he's lucky to have you in his life - no matter the time frame. I am sure things will work themselves out in their own time and for the best between you two.

    Kaplow: Tooralooryeaye has some great advice and insight. It's impossible to stop caring or wondering about someone we care deeply about. Even with my cancer guy friend, whom is a headache in itself when/if I allow it to be, I have to remind myself to stop thinking about him. And when I do I try to focus on beaming good/love energy to him, which sounds corny but it helps me feel better. He brings out maternal/caretaker instincts in me that I never knew I had, and I have to stop myself and remind myself that he does not want this from me. If he knew he sparked these feelings in me, he would probably take offense and hide from me, because he feels he can take care of himself. And he can, and does in his own way. I want more for him, but that's because I care. We are all taking lessons and learning from people who have touched us. Even if the lesson is painful, it is still important not to deny our feelings. However, it is equally important to understand and accept that our feelings may not be reciprocated or shared mutually.

    I am glad to hear you're excited about your class! It sounds like just the thing you need, and couldn't come at a better time. πŸ™‚ Keep it up, girl, you're doing the right thing!

  • Piscesstar, you are so on point. I am going thru the same thing right now with my cancer male friend. He says he doesnt want a relationship yet we are in one. We have been together none stop since last year. He now lives with me. I say we are playing house. Yet he doesnt want to say we are in a relationship. He says he isnt ready. Talking about confused him and me. He spends time with my daughter and now he has opened up enough where I am spending time with him and his sons (2) I know he is hurt over his ex (his kids mom) but they have been broke up since 2007. I met him in 2009. Where I am he is where he is I am. How is this not a relationship. I met his mom brothers and his friends are now my friends. Sometimes I am introduced as his girl sometimes his friend. He says I am his special friend???? I am so confused. We buy things for the house together we do couple things. What is it. Why cant he just say we are together. He gets mad and think I am pushing him and maybe we need space but then he turns around and stay and be effectionate and playful. One min I want to leave him alone and the next he has me smiling from ear to ear and happy. I am a mess. and all I attract is cancer men!!! I cant escape them. And I keep going thru the same thing. but this is the worst becasue now we live together...

  • They don't like labels. They feel pressured and smothered by labels (mostly by the presumed responsibility that goes with said label, and a huge fear of rejection if they fail to meet those responsibilities), and when they feel this way they lash out, or hide out and try to escape until they feel it's "safe" to re-surface.

    If you just let things be, go with the flow, and stop worrying about what your role is to him (obviously you guys are something - you're living together and romantically involved), and enjoy whatever it is you're doing (without having to define what IT is)...I think you'll see a huge difference in his behavior. But if you keep pressuring him to define what you are to one another, you're going to drive him away.

    It's hard to do, but I found that once I let go and stopped trying to make "something" into "something more" with my cancer "friend" he relaxed heaps, and so have I. It gave me an entirely different perspective, which I really wasn't expecting. But once you stop over-thinking everything (which I think women tend to do more so bc of perceived societal roles and pressure to be in a certain place at a certain time in a relationship, and/or at a certain age) it really frees your head space up for you, which is all for the better, regardless of your relationship with him.

    This is just what I found to work for me, based on my experience. I honestly don't care about labels (but found myself on that relationship labeling racetrack out of sheer habit), so if it's important to you then maybe he isn't the right guy for you. If you can learn to let things be, they will, and it will all be much simpler. And more rewarding for both of you.

    It's kind of cute to watch them transform, really, when they think/feel that no one's looking.

    (P.S. I honestly DO try to write short posts, I swear, but it never seems to work out that way, sorry!)

  • Solarity,

    I like your advice you give to people, Great Job!!

    In your opinion, what do you think will happen when I bump into my cancer man after not hearing or seeing him for so long? Do you think he will run away?

    Since all this has happened, he has been travelling a lot more, which has been a good thing for me, because I live in a small town and I don't want to see him.

    I do get the occassional thought I will bump into him, I actually hope I don't!

    Anyway, just wanted to let you know I think you do a great job on this forum!

  • Correction: Letting go, and going with the flow, is not hard to do - once you've decided to do it. Then it's like a release valve letting out all the pressure, and it feels surprisingly freeing. I think most women fear that in "letting go" that their man will take that as a free pass of sorts to do whatever they want, and it brings up trust issues. The problem is not in letting go, it's that the trust issues are there in the first place. Regardless of how you much you cling and suffocate your man, or decide not to by letting go and letting things happen naturally, letting go is a way of allowing yourself to trust again. Letting go is braving those fears, and then saying good-bye to them, and letting new good experiences replace the old bad ones.

    I'm not trying to say that having to label a relationship means you have trust issues, I'm just asking what that label represents to you.

  • Ahh…solarity. Finally, I come across someone who understands everything that I’ve also discovered over the years. There is an element of peace when you reach that level. Keep educating πŸ™‚

  • Hi everyone..just wanted to pop in and check to see how everyone is doing....seems like everything is ok for the most part πŸ™‚ Solarity you have shared some great knowledge and given some excellent advice, keep up the good work πŸ™‚ I have been keeping very busy. Nothing has changed in my situation, and Im doing well with it. I am to a point where I don't even think about my cancerian "friend" very much anymore. But when I do, I put a quick stop to that, and continue on with whatever it is that I was doing. Still don't understand how he could just walk away, but at least it's not too often I wonder that πŸ™‚ Hope everyone takes care, and best wishes πŸ™‚

  • Hi Monte12,

    Great to hear from you again.

    Nothing has changed in my situation either.

    Someone better will definately come along for you, don't ever give up hope.

    Found a book while I was cleaning my cupboards out, called YOUR NOT THAT INTO HIM EITHER, BY IAN KERNER, see if you can find it.

    Gotta go, keep checking in.

    Take care of yourself

    big hugs to ya

  • This is just the beginning lol, cancers are hard work. Been with a cancer for two years, hot/cold, push/pull. It's not that he doesn't like you anymore, they are moody. This is testing lol, they will test you if you're going to be there for them even when they are moody. Be patient if you like him, when he doesn't contact you leave him alone don' push him, he will draw back into his shell and will ignore you more. Just be there for him. They are complex lol but they are worth it in the end, Love my moody crab. Good luck

  • Gem30,

    Your a sweetheart!!

    My cancer man aint coming back, its been over 2 months!!

    Whats funny, I don't know why exactly.

    To be honest, I was willing to be patient with him because I thought he was worth it, but I have lost all respect for him now.

    Glad you love your moody crab....the only crab I love is boiled and eaten with lemon...YUMMO!!lol

  • Hello Everyone !

    My class is going great . I ve already had 5 tests ! This class definately has my mind occupied( Which is a good thing)

    Something interesting did happen though with my Cancer Man, Iam in the process of planning my birthday party. I sent out Evite Invitaions to everyone in my contacts list on my Email account. Well if you are not familar with Evite, The person who sends out the invitation can see when/how many times you view it . Well he viewed the Invitation not once but 5 times so far !! LOL ... I honestly forgot his Email was in my contacts . I was shocked he even opened it up. ( I would think he would have trashed it personally ) This may sound kinda silly but Im kinda excited he looked at the invitation. It kinda lets me know that he is interested/wondering what im doing. Maybe My party invitation will let him know that Iam not mad at him and will open up some type of communcation? I don't know maybe in reading too much into this . Maybe he was just being nosey ?

    I hope everyone has a great day !!!!!!

  • Thanks for the advice-giving appreciation, and thank you ALL for sharing and offering your support too! We're all learning every "advice" is just a reflection of what I'm learning and sharing, and reading your stories and lessons have helped and taught me lessons also.

    Piscesstar: I wouldn't worry about what will happen when/if you bump into your cancer guy if I were you...don't put the energy out there. If it's been two months since he's contacted you it's because he's doing his own thing, simple as that. Who knows what's going on in his head...and who cares, right? If I were you I would just go about your life as you have been, without him in it. And if you run into him just keep on as you would normally, and treat him as you would any other acquaintance you haven't seen in a couple months. Worrying about the "what if"s only plays on insecurities, and it sounds like you've become stronger since he's been gone so why give that up now?

    Aquabubbles: Oh, but it's an ongoing discovery lol. And I still catch myself falling back into old patterns, only to stop myself, correct my actions/thoughts, and put myself back on track. Then again, that's what life is supposed to teach us - it's okay to fail sometimes, so long as we pick ourselves back up and take our lessons with us in moving forward. And in that, yes, we do find our peace, and it's a wonderful feeling. πŸ™‚

    Monte: Good to hear from you - you sound like you're in a positive place in your life, and that's great to see/hear! I don't know if your friend so much "walked away" as it may seem. I have a feeling he will check in with you as a friend from time to time, and I'm sure he still thinks about you in his own way. You touched a spot in him that was/is special, but he wasn't ready for that spot to be exposed. That doesn't necessarily mean that one day he will wake up and be ready, and come running back - it simply means that you were/are special to him, I'm sure, and right now he has to do his own healing, learning, and moving forward too. I am really happy to see how well you've handled your break-up and moving forward for yourself - I hope you are proud of you, because you certainly should be!

    Kaplow: That's hilarious about the e-vite! I'm sure he thinks about you, and he's just waiting for the coast to clear, so to speak. You've been friends for way too long for the current "episode" (I don't want to call it a fight) to permanently diminish your friendship. And, like you said, you're both only-children so I am sure your friendship really DOES mean a lot to him, even if he's not showing it how you would prefer, or apologizing (and probably won't - most don't!). I think you two will smooth things out and laugh about this one day, I really do. Keep up the schoolwork and keeping busy, it sounds like it's working in positive ways for you! Yay!

    On a totally unrelated-to-cancer-men note: tomorrow morning I leave for Chicago, and while I'm there I am meeting with two female friends (one is a gemini, the other is a pisces) whom I was very close with when I lived in Chicago, but had separately gotten mad at me (both are VERY dramatic, and I am very anti- or so I like to think ;> I call it "passionate") - so I am making amends while there this weekend. It's been nearly a year since our falling out, and my pisces friend wants to re-hash her hurt feelings (that's a looong story and involves her ex, who was a friend of mine before she and I became friends - and how she and I met - and her inability to handle seeing him at my birthday dinner, and my telling her to grow up and get over it or don't come because I'm not choosing sides and un-inviting him - me and my damn scorpio insensitivity). In an effort to make amends and move on, I am going to listen, acknowledge her hurt feelings and validate them, and hopefully things will smooth out between us. I think they will. My gemini friend is more of a humorous (now) blow-up and an innocent mistake on my part - I accidentally lost her car key when I borrowed her car. I spent four hours in the rain/snow searching for it, but she was too mad to hear any apologies at the time. And then I moved back to Florida - so with her I am sure we will laugh about it (now) and get straight to drinking cocktails and catching up. Otherwise, I am looking forward to seeing many, many good friends while there and giving lots of love to all of them. I really do feel fortunate to have them in my life, despite the distance.

    On a cancer-man note: My cancer friend had wanted to come with me to Chicago, but couldn't afford to this trip, and honestly I think it works out better that he isn't this time around. He says he will next time, so we'll see. Either way, I know I will have fun, and I will bring him with me in thought while on my trip. I'm really enjoying the way our friendship is flowing freely now, and it's adorable to see how sweet he's becoming (for such a "tough" guy). The other day he called me (it's very rare for him to call) and chatted my ear off for half an hour about nothing in particular, and then asked to "make plans" to go see 'The Social Network' when I get back...he wanted to "make sure" he "set aside time" to see me. It's sweet (and humorous because he used to always say he wasn't a "planner"), but I also know that after we spend time together he'll go back to his head space and do his thing. And I will do mine, and not give it a second thought. We are who we are, and I am enjoying embracing that instead of trying to figure it out.

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