Blmoon please help
I am sorry I ask so much of you, but I have such faith in your gift and I am troubled.
I don't know if you read my last post or not, but it seems they are going to keep me out of produce because Terry was able to comvince the merchandiser that I am too slow.
They have offered me a position in produce about 30 minutes away, but at this time I don't want to be moved.
I have been doing the self checkout in my store a few days a week and really enjoy it, it gives me a chance to shine and be helpful to so many people, but there are others in my store who want the position also and my boss shares it with all of us.
I do have the senority to push the subject, but I would rather be noticed for the job I do, and put there because I deserve it rather than using the union to bump shifts withg my friends.
I have a hard time being just a checker, because it hurts my back and my feet, but in self checkout I can move around and I feel so much better.
Also I have a medical issure right now that requires sugery and don';t want to leave and have all I have worked for taken from me.
My dog Shelby has cancer and the vet wants to remove it, but I can not afford it and I don't want her to suffer, I wrote to ROn and asked his advise and he reponded, said it made him cry as she was such as part of our family, and he signed it love Ron.
He hasn't said that to me in over a year, and it amazes me he crys over his dog and not the loss of his family.
I'm preocupied with personal garbage at the moment and catching my breath and will try to respond at least what I get immediatly when reading your post. I know it seems I'm not ruffled by surprises myself but today I went to the mailbox and got a letter for a car loan addressed to my husband saying they bought our loan but none of it made sense. We do have a loan already with them but this letter described an old maturity date long passed and an odd amount. THEN it hit me--it was refering to my son--named for his father and who has been dead two years! Just took my breath away. These people are bottom feeders looking for money. Took my breath away and when I called them the girl was cold and rude and insisted I should ignore it and couldn't see why I was upset! So, as you see I must deal with emotional surprises like everyone else. I had a good cry and moved on--just ate a nice dinner and checking in. First off I feell you should not feel guilty or bother to treat your dogs cancer. I've made that mistake out of emotion to do all I could but in the end surgery just made matters worse and she suffered more Plus I borrowed the money!. I was in denial as the family was so attached--she was 13 and healthy up untill the tumors started bursting. Later a friend who works for a vet said it is really better to just let the mammory tumours be and if she gets in too much pain then put her to sleep. Years later her puppy at 7 started getting tumours and when I talked to the vet he insisted surgery and I said no as last time the mother went downhill painfully after surgery but he said that it was different this time because this dog was younger so I let him remove her tumors and within 6 months they returned and I said enought! I took her in and had her put to sleep before she got into the suffering stage so keep your dog as long as she is not in constant pain but just let her go---surgery is very traumatic on them and it often just spreads the tumours. I also definetly pick up you can not accept being at the cash register---you will just hurt yourself. You do deserve some special consideration for your time there. I just feel you need to be "selfish" right now. You deserve it and should keep on being heard. Keep having meetings--like the squeeky wheel--be heard. Not in a rude way but with a firm smile and a determination to get what you want. I'll look deeper into this later. Don't give up on getting things your way. Talk more later BLESSINGS! PS--have you tried going to the the store 30minutes away and just wandering around a bit to get a vibe---even check out the produce dept--ask around just to be sure there is not something there for you. LIKE a new friend?
Thank you so much for responding to me when you are hurting yourself. You are such an unselfish special lady and I truly appreciate you.
When I can't breath I come here for answers from you and here you are hurting and the only thing I can say is zi am so sorry foryour pain and I wish there was something I could do for you.
Your sweet. I'm fine--it's near bedtime just checking in before turning computer off. I am over that moment--just wanted to let you know honestly how we all have little dramas and intense emotions but they pass. Also wanted you to know that the death of your marriage will surprise you with grief often when you least expect it but the pain will pass quikly with time. I almost held back my tears but remembered that tears are very good for you and release good chemicals and I hadn't cried in awhile! So did myself a favour and indulged. I'm too busy to feel pitiful too long! I'm back to doing to do lists on the fridge. It feels so good to cross one off. It helps me be kind to myself when I dwell on things not done---allow myself to be ok if at least one thing gets crossed off! Of course my list excludes the expected everyday chores. I list the jobs that bug me but never get done! I crossed off two today!. BLESSINGS!
Well we had a little family meeting and it was decided that tommorrow we will take her and say goodbye. She has been with us for a long time and it will hurt so much, but she is in pain and they have her on pain meds that make her loopy, so not fair to her
Wow if tears are good for you I must be doing something right as it has been so long since I went a day without crying.
This has been a year of letting so much go, I still don't feel ready to givr up on my marriage, but I am sure you are right and God has something wonderful planned for me, I will try and get strong and take each day as it comes and count my blessings
Sorryn to keep bothering you, but have been really trying to be strong and brave and all that, and sometimes I just need you to remind me that he will regret this.
The comment you made about the death of my marriage really hurt as I guess I am not ready to give up hope yet. I really do love hime, but I you know that.
I keep hoping he realizes he will never have what we had with someone else, and I keep praying I will.
Do you see anything coming my way?
By death I meant your life as it was is over. Think of Easter. It means that there wil be days when a certain song comes on or something happens that reminds you of a really happy moment that was innocent of what would be. In that moment you are grieving a loss. Don't get stuck there--that's a bad habbit that freezes you up in the attachment to the past. I was remarking how we all suffer days of grief as I was surprised by grief over my son. You can't get stuck there yet here you are since our last connection still stuck on that. Take the time you need to grieve but don't get stuck there. The full moon this month came with a bang-shaking things up. You will be fine--just like I am going to be fine and survive my son's death. With fortitude and Grace. It's a choice and the universe will back you up. This too will pass. The crisis with your dog has pulled you back a bit--caught you by surprise the sudden connection as a family. You have to go through the emotions but then you make a choice to live. I live to give my life meaning and honor my son. Mother to mother I urge you to not waste too much on Ron and his choice---spend it on your children and on yourself. You can not change this situation--or control anything he does. Don't give your life away to this loss. Your life must have more meaning than a failed marriage. This is not easy but it is a good energy to pick yourself up and be joyful in the moment. You must trust that good things are in the future. Your path is to rise above Ron--it is from that view that he will feel the regret. I know there is a wise woman inside you that really does get this but she can't always be heard above all the intense emotion. It's about energy. You choose what to do with it. Turning it inward causes depression. I pick up some held back anger ---your emotions are fighting each other. The result is depression and exhaustion--don't go there. Acknowledge that you are very very very angry at Ron. It has to have it's days or it will turn on you. You may even have to have a rant time where you put it all down on paper--then burn it or shred it or whatever feels right about destroying it. Then you have to forgive him and yourself and let go of the past. You will have to do this again and again as anger pops up--loss pops up. Trust in the good days. Enjoy the love you have. You are loved. BLESSINGS.
AS always you are so right I am so angry with him. We went from being a family for 25 years to him running away from us all without even a truthful explanation. I have no closure because he never resected me enough to tell me the truth about how he felt.
I get stuck because Itrusted him with my life and he trew me away and I am lost becasur I need him to see what he has done.
Again you seem to be telling me to get over it, that it is done, but you did promise someday I will hear him say he regrets itall
Maybe thats my problem, I am waiting for something that may never happen and I am stuck needing something from someone who has lost there soul.
I am so sorry about that last post, I was feeling way to sad to have tried to attempt to put it into words.
Between the job thing and the Shelbys death I have been allowing myself to slip into the need for comfort instead of standing firm like I know I should.
I had a very loving dad who was always there to protect me and I went from him to Ron, who also allowed me to have this silly fairytale life where I didn't have to make big choices ,m or worry about money and bills, someone who was always there for me to lean on.
I know I can do this, I struggle with the fact that my life was so good, I had it all I thought.
I could never, ever hurt people the way people have been hurting me, and I will not pout this burden on my mom or my kids.
So I live my life and take the crap people throw at me with a smile and at night I pray God will give me a little relief from this pain, and yet it grows.
I know how lucky I am to have 3 beautiful young men to call my kids and my mom and sister are the best, I have a good job, a true friend and a great house.
I have some one like you to tell me when I am not paying attention and to stop letting him have my life,
IU don't belive I could ever let Ron back into my life, and the need for him to want to is just a selfish desire for him to validate the last half of my life as not a total waste of my love.
I can't stand the fact that he has let his kids go and dosn't need to be with them at all, and I don't get how you take a great women like me and throw her awy like nothing
I was raised to belive that marriage is forever and love real love never dies, so what he never really loved me, or is he just so sick he can't see it.
I know him like I know myself and he can not be happy with his choices, it doesn't make sense
Exactly! AND that is why his future can not escape regret. Be kind to yourself. It's been an extra wild ride for many of us the past few weeks but like every good storm--it clears the way for new growth. Happy thoughts! I'm telling myself my own best advice as well. Strong woman rock! BLESSINGS
I was wondering what you think about dreams? Last night April and her family cmae to dinner, and she was really sad, talking about giving up and noy wanting to live anymore, she even spent the entire day eatting chocolate and made it so much worse. I told her to come over and we would be strong together. I told her men are not worth our pain and we wiuld be fine. I told her she and I could go out to dinner and see movies andone day someone would love us, but until than how lucky we are to have each other.
I suggested yoga and long walks, putting on nice clothes and getting fancy and just enjoying who we are and how we feel about life.
I showed her how lucky we are to have such great kids who are like brothers and sister and how right now men only cloud that.
I felt everything I said to her and after she left I prayed for a long time asking for a sign or some strenght to get stronger and stop getting sucked into my loe for him.
I listed all the things he did wrong to me and it was long and nasty.
I told God I would forgive him and prayed he could forgive himself and have a nice life, and then I went to bed.
I was watchingt tv when I fell asleep, like always and I dreamed of Ron all night.
I woke up several times and alway the dream came back.
He was holding me and all the pain and anger and worries and stress and hate just melted and it felt so right.
knew what he had done, but I knew we would make it.
You are meeting in your dream the other half of it. Befor your dream you are all head--resolve and choice--working hard to move ahead as if there was a great weight pulling you bac and you are a warrior!. What holds you back? The reality of your dream--what you can't get out of your heart. Head and heart--they know what they know and your heart screams--but it was real it WAS real. There was love and real love is infinate. YES? How can it be then that it was real then suddenly not? He was a safe place--you trusted him--trusted in that feeling. Your dream asks of you to resolve this personal betrayal not from his position but from your own as not only do you have deep anger at him but you also harbor anger towards yourself because it just does not make sense that that love you believed in was not real. What did you miss in the equation of your marriage. You felt safe in his arms but in the endyou were not--- so what did you ignore about him. How did you betray yourself by not listening to other realities--the head. As you know this journey has been about you becoming whole--a balance between head and heart. This dream speaks this ongoing truth--it represents your struggle. It is an issue that scopes beyond your marriage---your inability to protect yourself or speak up at times. To be so happy in your safety zone you ignore the signs. I think you said it best...."He was holding me and all the pain and anger and worries and stress and hate just melted and it felt so right." You betray yourself when you hide from uncomfortable emotions--like anger, pain and worry. You avoid confrontation. It is no wonder after sharing with your friend this comes up--it is a universal issue with many women! It's how the world raises us sometimes--not to be "a b itch" to be complacent--nurturing--all heart! BUT if we do not have a strong male side to raise the sword now and then--who protects that heart? Sounds like your evening was a lesson in yin and yang! BLESSINGS
Okay so now I am dreaming about him every night, sometimes in a half asleep mode where I tell myself to knock it off and try to think of something else.
I get up drink some milk or water use the restroom fluff my pillows turn on the tv and it happens all over again.
I don't like these dreams, I don't want to dream about him, I want it to be done over no more pain no more dreams.
Is there something I can do that I am not doing right to make it stop.
I feel there is a reason for the dreams like he is reaching out to me and I don't want to feel like that. Help
Three things going on--first spiritualy the month of October is considered the time when the veil is thin and in many cultures there is that spirit celebration. I always get the most intense vivid dreams in October. Second yes he is thinking of you--as much as he doesn't want to either as he made his choice--the right one he thought and also he feels you moving on! He really never got to feel that reality before because you were always loyal with clinging to him--even if it was in a psychic sense--but you have been moving on and letting go and he feels that. Also these dreams are meant to bring out some hidden emotions in you still held deeply. It feels like you are actually getting a fighting spirit about this pulling you back--like you are angry and want it stopped--go with that energy. It means this whole life change event has been a long sometimes exhausting battle and it about kicked your b utt over the summer. Spirit wants to fire you up for the last round. It is not over yet and you still have a bit more pushing ahead to do but you are almost there. It's not just about your marriage and Ron--this event has brought up old baggage--the fighting for yourself--speaking up and your past swallowing anger issues. You have stored a lot! Spirit says you need a release valve that also brings you health and Joy and revs up your se xuality. I'm picking up that Dancing--any kind would really help you right now. Something more than just once a week. You need to move your body---find a dance class near you that gives you at least 3 times a week. Or at the least turn up the music and dance at home when no one is around to disturb you--I feel you are laughing right now but spirit insists. I'm resting but will check in again. BLESSINGS!
It seems the stronger I try and be the more life kicks me hard.
Yesterday I got called into the office and told by my boss and the Hr guy that the desicion is final and I will not be working produce at my store.
That hurt as I really put out alot of effort and hoped it was to be acknowledged by someone, but nope.
Today at work I got a letter, and I was excited because I have never gotten one before , I opened it and it was a garnishment of my wages from 2006 taxes Ron didn't pay that I didn't even know about.
I left work early and called the irs and the state and tried to get it tacken off but they said it is my responsibility and so I had to pay with a credit card because I am so broke.
I ended up calling Ron at his store and asking for a copy of the taxes so that I might get that money back in a couple of months and we actually talked for about 20 minutes and it was okay, pretty nice.
Does he know he made a mistake yet, or is he still thinking this is okay?
I'm tired today and checking in before bed--wow--- first thought is you need to talk to your lawyer about this. I have owed taxes before and it takes a lot obefore they garnesh your wages. Meaning--you should have gotten plenty of registered letters first. The Irs always works with you and you have to ignore them a long time. Do NOT go through Ron. He knows about it and had to have also been notified--he let this happen to you!. You can not trust him and you should be talking to a lawyer. You can go online to the IRS web site--put in your social and get your own records. Part of your divorce should include those records anyway--don't you have a lawyer? You are too trusting. I can see why life is shaking you up to learn to fight back and protect yourself. Didn't you sign your tax returns? My husband fills ours out but I have to sign it--every married person filing joint must sign it. I know you are not going to like this but having a nice talk is not what you should be having--you should be very angry! Did they garnesh his earnings? You need to talk to your mother about this. You need perspective. You still trust Ron too much. Sorry--but between your no respect job and your no respect husband--when are you going to get angry enough to not take it anymore--walk away. Ron has done you very wrong--he is very dishonest. Take care of your own buisness starting now--take this issue to a lawyer and start looking for another job. I'm sure there are people out there who would apreciate your loyal hard work--choose them! Ron can not grow regretful enough if you keep letting him off the hook. You are too easy on him.Spirit says--share this tax thing with your mother--and take her advice.
wow a little brutal don't you think. The taxes owed are to the state and I never recieved one certified letter. I got a notice about it 3 months ago and I called them and Ron and thought it was taken care of. I was very angry about it as it was just a paperwork error on his part and he didn't bother to fix it.
I don't think he did it on purpose he is just lazy about things always has been, and yes they are garnishing his wages also. I paid it because I don't want a bad record with them because I am keeping all my own records now and want them perfect.
AS far as the job is concerned I have worked for Safeway for 32 years and can retire in about 5 if I stay.
My boss is doing the best she can for me and giving me a much desired position in the store and alot of recognition, just not produce and I love my produce.
I can leave and go to another store, but I feel like leaving my friends isn't what I need right now.
AS far as Ron is concerned I was very strong talking to him and in the end felt good about the fact that I didn't let emotion enter into the conversation at all except dissapointment in how he handles things.
We are seeing the lawyer this week and I will get all my records and statements from him when this is done.
I was just hoping you saw something better coming, as I am trying to take it all and smikle.
I got the impression from him that he was happy to talk to me for the first time in a very long time and just wanted to know what he was thinking.
I get what you think about him, but tell me how he will ever regret this if he only sees me as a whiney mean woman.
I'm glad you got defensive with me. You do not need me! Just making a point. You answered all your own questions.I've decided to move on from this site.. Blessings--you WILL be fine. I enjoyed your big heart and loyal Spirit.
Blmoon has NEVER been brutal to anyone on this site, EVER!!! You've been asking her questions over and over and she's been very patient with you. The fact that she took the kid gloves off doesn't mean she was brutal.
Things will never change in your life as long as you continue to hold on to the past.
Blmoon, I am very disturbed that you have decided to leave the site, I have felt a certain tone of stress coming from you for awhile now. Take some time before you leave for good, just take some time away from here and go outside and get away from the computer. I wish you and I could communicate away from here, you really seem to have a lot of stress around you right now. Replenish your energy sweetie.
Peace, Love and Light,
I am so sorry you are leaving and sorry also that I cried on your shoulder so much during this horrible time in my life. You have given me hope and strenght and I would not feel the same if not for you.
I really was hoping someday to be able to tell you that things are great, and all your predictions came true, but somehow I think you will know.
Thank you so much for all you do.
I don't believe I asked for your opinion.