Unsure about my boyfriend's feelings/behavior

  • My bf and I are in a long distance relationship. He is a Cancer and I am Sagittarius. He has his ascendent in Capricorn and mine is a Sag. prototype. It started as a long distance relationship but we both lead very busy lives. This is also a very unusual relationship because he lives in Hawaii and I am here in the mainland. For the first couple of months we talked for hours on the phone every day getting to know as much as we could about each other. We have the same values, similar outlook on life, and emotionally we understand each other really well. There is obviously a lot we need to learn about each other still...

    We travel to meet and obviously that is the fun part. In late July for his B'day I went to Hawaii and he introduced me to his whole family, his kids, his friends. I was immersed in life wholeheartedly and loved it and everyone loved me (including his Mom!!). He always pursued me, called me everyday, has told me I am his soulmate, etc from the beginning. However, I believe that he has not healed from his divorce entirely yet (divorced for two and a half years) and he also has to order some things in his life (me too, but I have been divorced for 5 years and feel that for the most part I have healed)

    Since I got back from the trip our contact has increasingly diminished and he has "retreated" to his shell gradually to the point that I am lucky if we communicate once a week (and the last week to ten days initiated by me). Since I returned he has dealt with multiple problems (kids and him getting sick with the same thing I had, insecurity in his job, former divorce issues, etc). He has spoken with me and says he loves me but he feels he needs to focus on his life first, he really needs security because that depresses him. That when I went there he started really thinking about how we can really make this work if he doesn't have more security. I do not require anything from him except emotional but he wants to be able to provide well for his kids and for me or treat me nicely (we had talked about me moving there eventually, but who knows now). The good thing is that he is taking steps to change the situation in his life with all the practical stuff but not in the growth in communication with me. He is growing spiritually though and starting meditation and yoga. I have tried not to take it personally and disentangle myself from negativity because I cannot be supportive otherwise and I do not want to make this about me. We talked tonight and he sounded happier to talk to me and I felt some spark again between us. I mentioned that if he cannot visit me now that maybe I could go. So when we had an objective he seemed happier. Having said that he is resisting big time and even though we have some sort of commitment and he reassures me that he will feel better I do not know if his feelings are there anymore, or as strong as before, I do not think he even knows!. I am respecting his silence and going about my business, I had said that he can let me go and we can see later what happens, but when I say that he says he wants to work on things and we can communicate more often and grow but then he doesn't do it. I believe that he really can't right now and I am trying to be patient, he is putting everything on the scale, including me...I find that when I concentrate on my things and I am my own happy go lucky self he responds in a real positive way, but this is being hard on me and he knows it, I feel hurt. I have voiced my needs (not as a demand), have been supportive but firm, tried disappearing myself; he is there for me but not a 100% like before.

    -So, here are my questions...do I leave him alone until he comes back or is ready to talk? (I trust that he will contact me but what if it takes a LONG time? like a month? that is eternity for me!!)

    -He acts like nothing is wrong between us, do I relax in that feeling and not pay attention to his wavering?

    -This closing and not talking was a pattern in his marriage and it was probably a great contributor in the failing of it...am I in for bad stuff? should I give up?

    • Can I have faith in this situation? and I guess faith in myself and our feelings too?...

    • It has only been 5 months but things have been intense between us...is it a normal part of the commitment process for a Cancer to withdraw like this when they feel they are getting closer to you?

    He is definitely teaching me patience, lots of patience...I also always let him know in different ways that I am there for him and I love him, but I do not want to be taken for granted or expose myself unnecessarily to heartbreak if things are not the same on the other side...I have set boundaries and we are working on trying to find a middle ground...

    I love this man dearly and I want to keep knowing him!! and I hope there is hope for us despite all the challenges we have had so far!

    Thank you all (or whoever responds) for the feedback!


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  • Mardepp, ah, that's what I am sensing, that the things that bother you about your partner are actually the things that are also in you - you are picking partners who mirror your 'dark side'. This is good for empathy, but you can feel subconsciously uncomfortable around people who remind you too much of your darker self. You have the defensiveness that is a self-protection against rejection (but that can keep you from real intimacy), and the moods just like your Cancerian partner. You fear your partner will leave you at any minute - but you don't realise you do that yourself, you pull away when things gets too close because of your fear. I wonder if you have Cancer in other planets? I feel you may also have high expectations that may be hard for your partners and friends to live up to. I feel like in life and love your enthusiasms can come and go like the tide. Sometimes you want to be in a relationship and sometimes you don't.

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  • This forum has overly sensitive censorship guidelines. You don't have to say a swear word to get deleted.

    Relationships are all about compromise - you have to be willing to accept that your partner is the way he is and he must do the same for you. No one is perfect but we can only change ourselves - it's not right to expect others to change themselves to suit us. If you really can't accept each other's particular foibles, then you have to let go and move on.

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