Yep, more assistance with a Cancer...
Hey everyone ::waves:: female Pisces (Moon & Rising Gemini) here, with a friend problem
I'm sorry, there's no way for me to explain this in a short way. I will make it as brief as I can, but there are a couple things to know first:
First: am a Cancer magnet. For some reason, my whole life, I have attracted them like matter into a black hole. I'm used to them, and I love love love them. Most of my closest friends (especially the one in question), former lovers, favorite bosses, etc., all Cancers. I love the challenge I get out of the relationship we have, and all the laughter and telepathy that goes along with it. Long story short: I have quite a bit of knowledge and know-how with my crabby friends, but this one has left me stumped.
Next item, just to clarify: this Cancer male in question and I are opposite genders, but we are both homosexual. In other words, this is a friendship, not romance.
OKAY, here's the story:
We're both college kids. I was his supervisor at a summer job. One day we just bonded like superglue--you know how it goes. The Piscean instinct in me told me he was cool, and I had no problem whatsoever TRUSTING him (I usually take a long time to build emotional, intimate trust, not referring to the Pisces trust that believes everyone is inherently good I just knew that he was legit, I suppose you could say. I got the Guts Greenlight.
Fast forward to the end of summer. We'd become fast friends, very close, very quickly. By far, one of the strongest Pisces/Cancer bonds I've had in awhile--and I've had a lot. And that's exactly what it feels like--a bond. It was refreshing. He had a huge impact on not just my summer, but my life overall. Getting to know him has really opened up other things for me as well. There were bumps in the road, as I kind of expected, but even so, with our limited time together, we prioritized, learned from it, and moved forward, because we both knew it wasn't worth losing each other over.
He goes to school FAR, FAR AWAY. I knew his last day was coming and he'd have to go home, but it was hard--in my work, I often say goodbye to a multitude of people at the end of the summer, but this one hurt a lot more than it had in a few years. Our goodbyes were heart-wrenching. Lots of hugs, tears, smiles and things of that nature.
That day was about three and a half or four weeks ago. Over the next ten days or so after he left, I didn't expect to hear from him much--he was back in his home element, getting ready for school, catching up with all his friends, etc. I would text him once in awhile and sometimes we'd get a conversation going, but usually not. He's kind of terrible about correspondence anyway so I wasn't worried about it. I, too, was a little preoccupied with getting back to campus and such.
I didn't really have a countdown or anything in my head, but I knew he was busy, and I didn't worry about not hearing from him. But there was one day where I messaged him on facebook and, while it was brief, suggested that we get caught up soon, that I hoped his semester was going well, and how I knew he was happy to be back home.
He never responded, and while inside me, a little red flag went up, I still didn't think much of it. After all, my Piscean need to communicate was probably coming off as a little pushy, even with all my Herculean efforts to minimize it.
Some mutual friends from work later mentioned that his phone was not accepting calls. I called it myself, and lo and behold, what they said was true. It wasn't "out of service" nor was it ringing...the message actually said he wasn't accepting calls. I thought this a little odd; he is admittedly a gregarious, social fellow. Another red flag went up, and I started to get a little nervous, but just told myself on the outside that he didn't like using his phone much, and all the friends he wanted to see were all with him at school, where they are all on campus and very easy to reach.
Since then, I've tried texting him a couple of times, to no avail. I'm afraid to call him again, because now I think it's just my number--or select ones--he has blocked. He has been in touch (via facebook, of course! with some other mutual work friends from the summer, but has steered clear of myself and one other special guy (another Cancer male) that I half-succeeded at setting him up with (that's where some of the "bumps in the road" came from). There is a third person that I am curious to know if he has contacted her or not (Gemini female) but I kind of don't want to know.
I've even gone so far as to order a full friendship compatibility report--and it came out promising, and cleared my mind a lot. I'm nervous, though everything is telling me I have no reason to be. I don't want to smother him (I've not made any attempt to contact him in nearly a week, and resolve to wait at least two more), because I know that my crabby friends need their space sometimes, but I worry that I've done something wrong. Or worse--that he never actually cared to begin with, which I don't think is true but I haven't ruled it out. This is a friend that means a LOT to me and I don't want our relationship to suffer/end because of my neediness, but at the same time I don't want to make the wrong move, and try to give him space, only to find out that he might have just refused to come out of his shell and admit he needed me.
I should know better. But I'm hurt by his silent treatment with me and our other friend. I'm trying really hard not to completely retreat and drop the axe--you know, delete his number, unfriend, etc. The little child in me wants to do what she usually does in this situation--"If it's space you want, fine, it's space you get! Forget about me." At the same time, I don't want to continue in vain, if he really doesn't care. Regardless of distance or time, in my mind, I've made a lifelong bond with him, but I know that other things can make it difficult for us to remember that.
So I'm just asking for feedback/advice/anything you have to offer. I'm looking at this too closely. For as long as this is, this is actually the abridged version of the whole saga...but I desperately need some outside perspective on it.
Thank you very much!! I hope to hear from you lovelies soon
don´t worry, you've done nothing wrong.
So I'm just asking for feedback/advice/anything you have to offer: he is just working very hard.
I desperately need some outside perspective on it: you have wonderful ideas, trust them.
People have tried to fulfill love without freedom.
Then love brings more and more misery, more and more
bondage. Then love is not what one has expected it to
be, it turns out just the opposite. It shatters all
hopes, it destroys all expectations and life becomes a
wasteland -- a groping in darkness and never finding
Please don't delete him! Cancer Lady married to a Pisces Man here so kinda opposite but the same??. As you say very strong bond between the two signs but us crabby's are a strange breed and need our space regardlesss - especially in new situations, we need time and breathing space to take stock of the new realities we face. 'Old'and special friends are trusted friends for us and 'know' us so we don't necessarly feel pressured to respond to you firstly. We feel that because we are closer to you than most our silence is exceptable whilst we sort ourselves out. Most of my friends know I need to go underground for a while and won't contact my most trusted people because I know they will understand. Am sure he will be in touch again soon tooraloorayee as if nothing happened. Love and light K x
Thanks both of you for your input! I must admit, I'm still a little wary--I don't understand why he would suddenly cease communication with just me and Cancer male #2, but caringcrustacean's take has helped as well. Hans, you're right, I should trust myself better with this. I'm trying really hard!
Last night, after I posted this, I had a conversation with Cancer male #2 (we'll call him Brian...Cancer #1 in question, my silent, distant friend...we'll call him Dave)...and had it right before I went to bed. When I woke up I felt a lot clearer about the whole thing...I also had a dream about them, but I'm sure that was probably because the very last thing I did before I went to bed was talk to Brian about it--for his sake, not mine.
and re: caringcrustacean...I sure hope he is in touch soon. I really miss him
An update...and I am really looking for some help here.
Still, "Dave" is blatantly ignoring myself and "Brian." Stupidly, I sent him a friendly message yesterday, very brief, just to share a link I had found I thought he'd get a kick out of...and nothing. Yet all of our mutual summer acquaintances have been telling me how they heard from him yesterday. Brian and I are the only ones he has not touched base with.
The last time I heard from him, August 31, he said he missed me. Since then I have not heard a peep from him. But all around us, friends are being acknowledged (including the Gem female I mentioned).
I can't figure it out. I am so, so hurt by this. I don't know what it is I did wrong. The reason I have a feeling he is upset with me is because of some misunderstandings when I introduced him to "Brian" this summer--somewhere between myself and the two of them, they thought I'd implied he would want a long-distance thing with Brian, and that wasn't the case at all. But whatever, we got it cleared up and everyone was forgiven and it was all FINE before he left. He (Dave) also has another love interest in his hometown, which we all knew about and he has been spending time with him.
I can't figure it out. I would understand if he has not communicated with any of us from the summer, that would make sense. But it's clear that the only ones he is not speaking to are me and Brian. I can understand why he would want to put Brian out of the picture for awhile; they had a pretty intense fling, but it was only meant for the summer, though I know they both liked each other quite a bit. Dave made it clear it would end when he left. But I don't understand what I have done wrong, or why he continues to ignore me. I have this sinking feeling that he is upset or hurt by something I did but I don't know what!
I finally broke down and texted him last night. I told him that I know I can be annoying, but it's because I care. I asked if it would kill him just to say hi once in awhile? That I didn't know if it was animosity or anger, but whatever it is, to tell me what it is so I can get out of his hair.
I haven't heard from him. I don't expect to. I want to try and call the number to see if it's still not "accepting" calls but I have a feeling I know what it is.
If this were most other people, and it had hurt me this badly, I would have let it go without a second thought. But this is absolutely tearing me apart now.
I even had a dream about him last night--we just hung out and spent a day together like we usually do. In the dream, I remember bringing up this text I sent him last night and he didn't say anything, instead picked up his phone and texted me back. There was a picture with the message, him and some sort of red orb or flower, and I can't remember what it said but it was very shot and sweet.
I don't know what to do! I am trying so hard to be patient but that obviously failed.
he is gone, gone forever. You will never meet him again; and just some time ago he was here and you never thought about it. So life starts taking on the colour of an accident, arbitrariness, meaninglessness, and that creates fear. You feel angry: "Why did he do it to me?' He has not done
anything to you. But
it feels as if he has done something to you. Why? And
you cannot do anything about that because the man is
gone. You cannot do any harm to him, so you feel
Hans, you're probably right, but I guess I'm still in that pickle...the heartache and hurt I feel in his possibly permanent retreat is very strong. I don't trust easily and I am nothing but a sea of emotions...I can't stop feeling, you know? I'm not an angry person...it takes a LOT to truly anger me. I'm just very hurt.
Last night, knowing full well the risk I was taking, but still going on a hunch, I emailed him. It wasn't out of anger, and I worded the message as carefully as I could, while trying to keep it short enough (as you can tell, I'm pretty verbose). I mentioned that I try to respect his space, that I know he's home now and his summer friends are not part of his home life, etc...but mostly that I just felt something had changed since I last heard from him, and that knowing he'd been in touch with other mutual summer friends and not me was very hurtful and confusing. I made it clear that I wasn't angry, just hurt and confused. I asked him, that, whatever it is, he didn't even have to tell me what, just to let me know whether or not we were okay.
I know he read it...it was sent over facebook and he was online for quite awhile after I sent it, but he never acknowledged it...I wouldn't expect him to for awhile.
I don't know what to do. He will be back for Thanksgiving but I have a feeling I have already been blacklisted for the four or five days he'd be home--that might be harder for me to take than him being so far away right now. I don't know. It is really killing me that I can't get a response. I know I need to be patient and I am trying so hard...
I wish I could be a Cancer, just for a day, so that I could at least not wear it on my sleeve, you know?
hi tooralooryeaye... wOw, that's a hard name to write. I wouldn't have answered if i hadn't been able to see your name from the reply box! lol! anyway...
you posted the link to this thread and i thought I'd check it out. i only read it once and this is what i got. i'm going to be blunt.
you mentioned you didn't do anything wrong several times in your posts. do you really believe this? you're trying to convince someone of this fact and I think it's yourself.
you're a pisces... (i'm a pisces rising by the way and i'm dating a pisces now), you guys have a way of forgetting certain details and twisting the truth a little, to the way you see things in your head. that's not always the way it happened in reality. and with a gemi moon and rising, well...
the 'little misunderstandings' between you, Dave and Brian were probably MORE then the trivial things your making them out to be. whatever went down... dave is real pissed about it.
Gemi's have a way with words. They can be very blunt and hurtful. A pisces can cut to the core of someone hit them where it hurts most... close to the soul. I've experiences this.
Cancers are very sensitive yes, but they will not completely cut a friend out of their life for no reason.
Your friend is probably very hurt over something that was said, felt or implied. Does he have a right to be this hurt? maybe not... Maybe he is a really whiney Cancer who can't take a joke and needs to put on a big boy pull-up, who knows! BUT... he's pissed.
I know you're hurt from the silence, it sucks. But usually a disagreement takes two sides and if you acknowledge anything you may have done to inflict his silence, without apologizing or justifying it... he may return your call.
All water signs like their feelings to be recognized. When you're playing with water, sometimes this fact gets drowned in the pool of emotions. Somebody has to step up.
I may also be completely wrong, right
Hi tooralooryeaye -
I also followed your link you'd posted. I'm not a cancer, but the other water sign that can sometimes be a tad too blunt, or brash, or painfully honest...so here is my honest opinion. I think shellshocker may have hit upon something, mostly revolving around your guilt that you might have done something wrong, or that "Dave" perceived as hurtful and could be giving you the same sort of medicine. My cancer is doing this to me right now, and I had my suspicions confirmed yesterday when he told me he was "just subscribing to your (my) whole we don't need to text all the time"...ding ding dong, right. He had taken one teeny tiny part of a very long message and chose that little bitty part to get in a huff about. So far. I'm sure there's more coming, as he re-reads the message and dissects it, should he need some fuel for his fire during his shelled retreat. My point is it's sometimes the little things that get the most attention unfortunately, and it's probably some small comment or insinuation you made IF it's anything at all.
Otherwise, "He (Dave) also has another love interest in his hometown, which we all knew about and he has been spending time with him" this is his focus, and he might be afraid you might judge him, or that whatever information he shares might somehow find it's way back to "Brian" whom he probably still cares about, and doesn't want to hurt with said news. He could be feeling out the new interest and not want any distractions or guilt while doing so also. Just a hunch.
He'll come around in his own time, I'm sure. When there's a genuine love there it's hard for a water sign to stay mad too long...for me, I also need some time/space to rekindle the love within myself. In tandem, I also feel I have every right to be mad as long as I want, and I don't necessarily want to re-hash it once I come out of my funk. Granted I'm not a cancer, but I think this is a universal way of handling difficult feelings. So I suggest that when he does come around, which I suspect he will do, don't make your feelings of being hurt or snubbed the focus - or he'll retreat again defensively. Every cancer I've ever known is super defensive, mostly bc they're so sensitive to getting hurt, even when the hurt isn't intentional - they feel it more than most.
Honestly, I have been wracking my brain, for something I could have said or done. Sometimes I am a very blunt person and will say or do something casually that someone will take harshly, and will have no clue they take it that way because it usually comes out long, long after I said or did whatever I did. That being said, when I know I have something important to say, I watch my step very carefully, for the same reasons you said: I can inflict a lot of damage, with or without trying.
The thing about Dave and Brian was...they both though I'd implied to each of them (As I was the one setting them up with each other) that Dave would be interested in a long-distance relationship after he left and went back home. Once that happened, I could see where they thought that (verrryyy long story, could fill up a few threads itself!) but we got it all smoothed over, long before he left. I know that Brian was completely smitten with Dave (and is also getting the silent treatment) and took it pretty hard but he "says" he understands. Dave was being elusive as usual but even if his feelings weren't as strong as Brian's I know there was something there...that's why I set them up (and have told both of them that). However since then, Dave's returned to a squeeze that was already at home...nothing serious, but he admittedly tends to avoid serious relationships anyway... he calls it being "here and now, in the present". Not a big shocker, because we all know that just translates into "I don't want to commit for fear of rejection!"
When I messaged Dave the other night, I told him that I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what, and I begged him to tell me what it was. It would be so much easier to pin down what offense I've probably committed if he wasn't so far away, which is why it's so confusing. It was like day and night with our communication.
Thank you very much for your input. Don't worry about being blunt...I've always much preferred it over beating around the bush...sensitivity be darned I tend to go back and forth on this...the strength of the friendship we have (I know I still consider him a friend, and will just have to give the benefit of the doubt that he does too...you only fight with people you care about, right?) will comfort me, knowing that the root of our connection is there. But then that chilling negative energy comes back, no matter how I try to combat it, and even do everything to keep it at bay--keeping myself busy, positive thinking, etc. But out of the blue, right as I get it out of my mind, it just crawls into the pit of my stomach and refuses to go anywhere...and of course, he's not saying much. It's kind of like in the winter when you're walking across some pretty, fluffy snow and don't realize there's glass ice underneath...you slip and fall.
Even just last night, between postings...I'd reached another calm point with it, and felt I'd had an epiphany (sort of) about the whole thing, but of course woke up this morning, and before I even came here...it was back again.
btw, solarity, thank you too! For some reason I didn't see your reply right away (in my defense; it was early, and coffee hadn't been consumed yet I really appreciate both viewpoints that you and shellshocker provided...enough truth and honesty to keep me grounded but just enough optimism to not feel so helpless in this situation.
and I also just realized I pretty much repeated myself regarding Dave/Brian/Boy #3 in this whole thing...gah way too early!
lol no worries, tooralooryeaye - let us know how it goes once you do hear back from him. I think patience is key with dealing with cancers. They will certainly try us, that's for sure. : )
So, I'm kind of up to my ears in school work right now (midterms are in a couple of weeks, boo hiss)...there is literally zero update. I suppose I'm kind of numb to it now, since the homework has been picking up and I'm dealing with life and such. A couple times I have gone back to it, evaluated my thoughts/feelings on it and I usually come up with some sort of confused mishmash. For some reason now, I'm feeling less animosity and something closer to apathy from him...which is harder for me to deal with. In the end though, I know I still care, and that has to count for something I suppose. I'm pretty sure I won't hear from him until Thanksgiving. I just hope I he will allow contact when he is in town because right now I can handle the distance and separation...but when we're in the same area for five days and all our mutual friends will be together...definitely do not want that awkwardness.
This would also be much more helpful if I had friends closer to me than 150 or more miles away! Trying to set up dates and such now but I have big-time trust issues and while the girls are nice...just not diggin' it right now