Getting back together?

  • mine 12-17-61 his 12-18-57

    my life has never been the same since our divorce. our divorce was because of the evil and horrible things my husbands son 12-24-90 put our relationship through and our 3 kids through. my husband dicided to divorce and devote his life his his 15 yrs.old son problems. now the his son is 19 going on 20 in Dec. I see a chance a strong chance to reunite and working now. I have endured not dating, I've tried, but to no availe i just can't seem to find another that captured my heart like he did. according to our kids, he's been single too all 3 yrs.

    I am trying to win his heart again, and maybe have been all 3 yrs. apart. I just can't seem to get past the fact or wondering what life would be like together, with his son now moved out of his, in my eyes we have a chance to really see how good it could be with his son drama gone and his sons harmful ways away from our children.

    my Question is: do you see him and i coming back together with my persistance in wanting to try again. will he truely love me like he did and can we start fresh together and raise our 3 children like a family fully in love and devoted like we once were, before his son interference?

    can anyone help me? i need to know, i've been alone a long long time. am i wasting my time or will my love 12-18-57 return to me 12-17-61?

  • I hesitate to answer your question but it really does beg for insight and even if you do not accept another perspective maybe it will sink in and plant a seed for the future. His son did not destroy your marriage. We all must take responsability for our actions and reactions. People can stress us but we are responsable for living our truth despite outside interfearance. What I see is it was your stubborness that drove your husband to dig in his heels and defend his son. He is not fooled or captured by his son. He is a father who loves unconditionaly and put in a position to choose you gave him no choice. This is your doing--you should never have made his issue all or nothing. Be careful of Karma--your harsh judgement of his son could come home to roost in your own house and test you to rethink your perspective. I'm not excusing any evil things done by his child but you must seperate the deeds from the whole person. Few people are all evil. It's just more complicated than that and your x finds your narrow minded thinking too thick a wall to get through to. Somewhere you decided not to treat this child as your own and it began a big divide--you can't be a family and toss his son away. I don't think your x wanted it this way--he felt he had no choice. If you think you are above raising a child with problems you may get tested. Sometimes raising children in the best environment does not heal mental illness. Also don't think his son did not feel your rejection and he could not heal in that environment. What if it was one of the other children with the problem? Would you except your husbands rejection of that child or would you have wanted him there by your side to help you no matter what. Almost all families have at least one problem family member. It is hard on everyone but true family love bands together without blame and tries to focus on the good of the remaining family unit to get by--it's too easy to think you can just throw a loved one away. You can distance yourself from a self destructive adult but the problems still surface--theres no pretending they don't exhist. It is what it is. His child did not divide you. It was you and your x who let it. I do not see your x coming back just because his son is an adult now because for him it wasn't about his son---he didn't see it like you did--he saw it as feeling abandoned by you when he needed you most. Even if he did come back--he is not going to end a relationship with his son. If his son is toxic he needs to make that desicion on his own as any outside pressure will only make him xtra protective of his son. Also you say your life was perfect before his son came in---but I see red flags go up. If your relationship was that strong nothing outside could destroy it--it just had not been tested. Marriage is not all good--in sickness and in health--believe it! Marriage is work. I think counseling would help you to see your part in all this---your x would have to see a change in you before connecting again. He sees the marriage split as your fault. Sorry if this stings but it is what I see and if you truelly want him back you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim. There is always free will so I can't say 100 percent that he is done but the odds are not in your favour as it stands. Get counseling and there could be change. His son came into your life to heal you in a way you are blind to. It's easy to love when it is not tested. Read through these blogs--you are not alone we all have a loved one who is painfully hard to love---they are the ones who help us grow spiritually the most. Despit your feelings for his son the best thing you could do is send him silent prayers of love at night before sleep--wish him healing and ask for forgiveness and forgive him. Let your ego go and just do it. The same for your x--send him prayers at night--open your heart. You must give to receive! BLESSINGS!

  • dearest BLmoon~ his son was a violent child at age 6. when i first gave birth my first child. by 6 months old, as she strolled in her walking three wheel rolly thing, my mom witness his son, as age 6 through her and the whole card on it's side, striking her head on the floor. when told to my husband, he said she was in my way. as the years went, and she started walking it got worse. I protected them as much as i could. his son through her against a wall, the boy denied it, i mean right after it happened and she crying and telling, the father does nothing, he his son tells the father, i don't know what she talking about?" this violent behavior continued, I suggested to my husband, we get him help, HELP!! he shouted, nothings wrong with my boy! as the years went by enduring lies from his son violet attacks on our daughter, i had child #2 a son. same thing violet, i lost love for that son of his, i was so worried about how this is affecting our children s lives, through Thick and Thin! Right! well as my son started getting older, his son started destroying his toys, he'd walk past my son and stick his leg out to trip him, elbow slams in the face, pushing him down. But never, I mean Never, in front of his father. all the complaining to my husband, went un punish. and we the kids and i looked like liars. what a horrible thing to endure, when your own husband doesn't believe you or the children. The final blow was when his son started being nice to our daughter, he was 15 and she was 9. I mentioned to my husband.. wow, he's finally got past that violent stage, inviting her to his room to play video games.. i thought everything was great, until i found out he was sexual assaulting her, i went OFF completely Nuts, he hadn't changed i called cps there was court etc.etc and he admitting and was convicted of 27 counts of sexual assault. and I wonder, us both being still single after all these years, we deserve a second chance, a chance to raise our kids with out all his sons drama and violent behavior.

    so I ask you: do you see him returning his love to me, giving me his heart again, so we can have a normal life. with our 3 children? i can accept his son in my husbands life, i just don't want him around our kids. i believe his son has mental issues his son d.o.b. 12-24-90.

    do we have a chance again?

  • Not unless you come together as a team dealing with his son. If he needs treatment or even hospitalization you have to be willing to share the responsability--just as if any of your children was mentaly ill. His father can't make that choice --his child is his responsabilty because his son can not be responsable for himself. Mental illness is very stressful for family members and often makes other members ill just from dealing with them. Counseling would give you good advice on his condition and how to deal with it because if you want your x you are going to be dealing with his son. Don't be a victim in this situation--educate yourself about mental illness. Does your x have other family members with extreme problems? Bipolar runs in families and is different for each but there are distinct symptoms including inapropriate sexual behaviour. Violant outbursts during manic episodes and alternating depression. Was he ever treated or tested by a psychiatrist?. You have to accept the burdon of him--even if he does not live with you if he is mentally ill he will show up and still be a problem. If you see a counselor and talk about his sons behaviour problems you can get closer to finding a way to keep him less disruptive to your life. You need tools. I sense your x feels guilty about him--takes some blame. Mental illness is treatable--a good psychiatist could help his son. I still see the future as being in your hands--if you can see yourself dealing with his son in a way his father can agree then yes you will reconnect but if nothing changes than nothing changes--it will remain as it is because his son is not going away. Please consider the counseling for yourself--it could really give you peace and help you survive this family crises without letting it divide you. Blessings

  • he was treated by a psychiatrist, whom the boys mom told me, they told her he was the worst case they'd ever seen. my x-husband will not tell me the results of anything that goes on in his son life. my step sons mom, told me after she became a re born again christian that she hated my husband so much she told her son not to ever listen to me, that will make them fight and break up. we didn't break up right away as she had hoped but, her son like her were very unhappy people. i use to tell my husband, every time his son came home from her house he seemed to get meaner to me and the kids, my husband just thought i was jealous. ha. i was not jealous, just angry. and my husband refused to see what was going on.

    my kids went to counseling for 3 yrs. and i went for two. but, it never got my x and I on the same page. i was so angry that he refused to get his son help earlier and it evolved to sexual assault. but, he did just what you said, left me to help his son. my little boy was seven when his son forced himself on him. and when it was all said and done, court and all. my son said, Mommy are we free! I said free? he said free from Justin?, I said yes honey, he is going to get help now. but when i told my husband what our son said, my husband seemed angry, he blamed me and said, " You took away my son"!!!!because of you, my son is in jail! I was like, shocked, just shocked. here is my fantasy world, my children were safe and my husband and i could finally get back to normal being that his son finally got help!

    sadly he hated me even more.

    your right about one thing, knowing how hard it was for me, i looked past that and saw we'd finally be happy. i knew there would be a lot of things we'd have to deal with, but, my husband wouldn't let me in.

    I really hope it all-works out for us. funny thing is i waited till i was 33 and finally met the man of my dreams and he had full custody of his son. i felt so blessed and so did my husband. his son had a mom, me.....and now you know the rest of the story...

    thank you so much for your time and insight. if there anything else please feel free to write me again, i'll be waiting. love and Aloha, mcfmauigirl/marie 581

  • Your stepson's illness has spilled over onto everyone--that's comman. Too much anger and blame. You want your x back as if you have healed from that. There cannot be unresolved anger and hurt. You have to change or if you got back together you would just pick up where you left off--as it stands there is no trust. Dealing with issues as challanging warrents continual therapy--you need outside help. I have been the caretaker of a bipolar for 38 years and to manage it means forever and a good psychiatrist seen by the ill person and the loved ones is key to management. There has to be a safety net of help and education to see before an event happens so you can intervine and let the psychiatrist intervine. I think it will take a lot for your x to trust you again. If he sees you getting help he might believe in change. Also don't be afraid to be selective with doctors---only accept one you really feel safe with. In his eyes you betrayed him and in your eyes he betrayed you. Also those two years of your therapy you were both still deep in anger. The anger really needs to soften before therapy can start going in a more positive direction. I wish your family the healing they ALL deserve.

  • His son is part of the package, either accept it and support your ex in regards to his son or maybe move on.

  • Thank you ..both of you blmoon and sashamoon. the therapists have been telling me the same thing for years..i cry all the time for my husband.. but i really can't be around his son. he's just lied too much to get his way. there's my answer. no matter how hard i try to make him see with his son out of the house, & with his son living with his girlfriend . i guess i'll never have a relationship with him. his father refuses to get his son help, because his son says his fine. oh well, i guess that's that.

    I've been alone with no man for three years now.I've dated, but it goes no where for me.

    what now, can you see my future?

    will anyone ever win my heart again...

    Do you have.

    a time?

    a year?

    a month?

    do you see a name?...anything?

    is there anything i have to look forward too that will rock my world and i can truth again.

  • The future?

    you are in a stagnate place because of unfinished buisness. Meaning? That you have not really learned from this last relationship so be careful as we are often tested again and again by similiar situations untill we get it and grow some. There is a reason you were attracted to this man and his son--if you are a spiritual person you must already grasp that. Examin all your past relationships for patterns and also examine your childhood and your relationships with parents. You have inherited a victim perspective that will continue to attract situations you feel trapped by. You feel powerless---as if your problems are outside you and you can't get past being trapped. I see a man coming into your life with a June connection. I also see a female child in the picture. My best advice is to get back into therapy and to really accept good advice or you will just repeat the same challanges. You slip too easily into denial about how perfect life is and then something outsides ruins it. A therapist can help you use better thinking skills. On a spiritual level your wound is a loss of inner power. You don't know how to protect and fight back in a CONSTRUCTIVE way. You also have deep buried anger issues that seek out life events that will give it release. Life is a journey towards being whole and healing.. No one stays pefectly happy--even the most enlightened are challenged at times to make the best choices with the traumas and crises that come at us. I do know you can't receive untill you let go so I repeat my advice to say an evening prayer to both your x and his son--send loving forgiveness and ask for forgiveness and wish them healing--and mean it! and then let go. Because the more you hold on to those thoughts of painful events the more likely that energy will attract not what you want. Believe in the laws of attraction and energy. Dwell on loss and you invite more of the same. Start on a clean slate void of blame and hurt and you are more likely to raise your vibration and attract the same. Blessings.

  • I know your right. I do need to seek help to get past the anger. I need to get past the fact when i do meet men that i'm not fooling around on my husband, x-husband. i still feel i'm almost like i'm fooling around. what a werid feeling. so yes, i don't date probably because i won't let anyone in, just hoping and knowing my husband knows the truth about his son. He'd come back to me one day, as i patiently wait.

    but knowing there is no chance, is something hard to get past, because i hate failure. i relaize no relationship is perfect, and our wasn't, but there was so much passion and love for one another. a passion I'd fever felt before and haven't since. all in all we always seemed to make it work. but the good times never seemed to last. something always came up. as if we both or just me, i didn't know what to do to fix it. to make him feel important enough. that's what really hurts.

    When you see someone coming into my life with a june crossing and has a little girl. wow that;s exciting too. my youngest daughter always wanted a little sister..hahaha

    blmoon, is there anything more you can tell me about this person coming into my life? when? or do i start asking when there birthday is, and maybe then i'll know if it's in june and he has a little daughter then it's possible he's the one. can you tell me anything more?

    sincerely, mcfmauigirl / marie581

  • "i won't let anyone in, just hoping and knowing my husband knows the truth about his son. He'd come back to me one day"

    What truth? That his son is mentally ill? How would that change anything? If anything you should understand that mental illness can be managed but not cured, so his son will always be there with the same issues more or less, I don't think you grasp this? Your husband will never abandon his son and what kind of a man would it make him if he did abandon his mentally ill son?

  • Sashamoon, i do understand, and i'm willing to help my husband with his son, just to support him. i know that there's no cure. he doesn't have to aband his son, i would never want him or any body to think that's how i feel. i talking about a court order is in place, that his son is not even allowed on his fathers property or with in 100' of it for the next 7 yrs...

    knowing you know that now, and that his son lives on a completely different Island than we do.. now do you see why i ask, care he 12-18-57 see it working out for us me)12-17-61 again. he really is my everything.and we really did have a good marriage. it was the sexual assault his son did was the final blow, i just couldn't ignore it, as he wanted me too.

    now that it's at the point it is now, can you see us coming back together, where he trust me again and i truth him, where we can communicate appropreately like parents and lovers? do you see that in my future with him.

  • This may explain your husband's behaviour - and yours.

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