My marriage is struggling.
I really want to know if my marriage is going to get better or is this not even worth putting the effort in since he is angry at something. We have been to see a marriage concelor but didn't do any good. Do you have any insight?
What are your birthdates?
February 19, 1971 him
April. 3, 1972 me
This can work out well for marriage and family. Its problem is that it is rooted in fantasy and the spiritual, and may be out of touch with everyday realities. It is essential that the two of you work on achieving objectivity, since romance or illusion can sweep you away. Problems can occur when your overly sensitive husband tries to express his care and sympathy for you, but encounters storms of passion and desire in return. This difference in style can cause mutual frustration. But your aggressiveness may simply embody the other side of your husband's sensitive and passive psyche, a more passionate side of which he only dreams. You can both teach each other how to balance those very different personalities of yours to form a cohesive whole that works.
Your marriage may or may not be influenced by childhood role models. It can be good and, in certain cases, magnificent. Both of you can have trouble opening up at a deep level, and achieving a happy domestic situation may serve as the best therapy imaginable. An idyllic family life is possible here, with children and pets enriching and securing your love. One warning: should either partner betray the other's trust, breaking you up as a couple, it may be a long time before the wronged party will be ready to re-embark on the path of matrimony - if ever.
Advice: don't let your strong bonds of emotion and imagination interfere with the cohesion of this relationship. You two may have to struggle to stay on track but it will be well worth the effort. Trust is at least as important as desire. Try to see things as they are. Seek your own path, but don't define yourself in terms of others.
Thank you. We have been married for 16 years and the first 13 he was never home and drank a lot. Was never there for me and was emotionally abusive so i've been told recently. Three years ago I had an affair and was moving out and on with my life. But he promised to be different. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we have been working at this for the last three years. I am not allowed to do anything by myself including going for groceries. He is very controlling with my time. Even when I said I don't want to do something he lays on the "fine you just don't want to be with me" thing and I give in. Im just tired of trying. And to top it off, my Christian background is in my head that the marriage had to work. God doesn't like divorce. But at what cost??? We do have 3 kids and my oldest just said to me," Mom , I don't think you should be around dad very much. He is really mean to you and it upsets me" . He is a nice guy to everyone else, but behind closed doors he can be really mean. I just dont know what to do? Can you give me any more insight based on that information?
Your husband needs therapy to help him understand he is re-enacting childhood role models (probably his dad or some authority figure in his life.) It's the only way he will break out of that vicious pattern of abuse (both of you and himself). Deep down he is a good man but he is taking on a pattern of behaviour that is not his but was drilled into him at a vulnerable age.
If he won't seek help, then you must tell him you will leave him.