Looking for a mental, physical, emotional pick-me-up
I am in need of words. Be it guidance, advice, support, criticism... what have you.
(the next few lines might be somewhat "whiny" but I do recognize this and believe me I am willing to work on anything to remedy the situation. )
Its been awhile since I have posted on Tarot as I took some time away from the forums to address life (work, school, etc.). I have just recently graduated college and am finding myself in a reminiscently familiar place....
I feel as though I am 17 again and not necessarily in a good way.
Let me explain, though I am more prepared and experienced at life than I was a 17 I am quite literally stuck as to where to go from here. I have writer's block for my life.
Let me sum a few things up:
Around January-ish (I believe) I became acquainted with a very insightful and wise friend who helped me to start looking at myself in an objective yet loving way. I started to learn about myself and gain an understanding that I never thought was possible.
In this, I learned that I had been living a life that was not my own. I made choices and decisions based on what I thought other people thought was right/good/ etc. instead of what I thought was right. I relied so heavily on my parents and their input that I was debilitating my 'self'.
Though slowly and still grudgingly working at it, I have become more aware of my real self.
Unfortunately, I have been experiencing a numbness that I cannot seem to shake.
I lack motivation, drive, and am becoming more apathetic to my life. I thought I had a game plan (one that my friend and I set up together), a list of things to work on to start making my life better...
I left Tarot to work on these things and, as time went on, I even lost contact with my friend (not sure who really left who there, but sadly, I am unable to reach her).
For months I was trying to work myself out of rut...Yet, after all this time, I haven't made ANY progress!
I got sucked BACK into the vacuum that is my life, consumed by work and school, that I stopped thinking altogether. I was just trying to get by, I kept thinking life will get better after graduation, I will focus after graduation.... just gotta make... it... to... graduation! I was so consumed that I worked and exhausted myself into numbness.
NOW here I am, a few weeks after graduation, the date I was killing myself for, and what??? for nothing. Quiet, mindless, numb nothing.
I mean who graduates college and does not feel excitement? I was more excited for the free time I was going to be getting and not once could I force up an ounce of self pride or a real joy of accomplishment for the degree. Granted, I didn't do it the way I wanted and its definitely not the degree I wanted, but shouldn't I be happy for it?
Somehow, I still don't feel it. Just a small dread for having to repay all my loans back.
Now I am not a negative person, at least I wasn't before, but I do FEEL as though I have been set in this "life sucks, nothing I can do, daily grind" negative mindset for quiet a while.
I don't know how to get myself OUT of it.
As it stands:
1. I do not like my job. Its a job to have a job to have insurance. No growth for me at the company... just working for a paycheck...one thing I promised myself was that if I ever went to college i would NOT just have a job...Im really good at letting myself down.
2. my part time job, though fun, is exhausting (reaching burn out mode)
3. finally have some free time but I am too tired to fill it with anything
4.I am not productive at home (has a LOT to do with number 3)
5. I am completely dissatisfied with my degree (this stems from the whole "not doing what i want to do because I let the opinions of others affect me too much)
So now here I am, at the mark in my life where I am suppose to do something with myself, embark on my life, use my degree etc. etc. Yet I have no passion for life.
It seems that I became good and being the dreamer, being the one to come up with BIG ideas for life but without having any follow-through or actual plan to set the dream in motion.
I have been told before that I am fearful. This bugged me, but I realized that in some ways I am. I dream of adventure and of having an awesome life, but to do this you must take risks...of which I am afraid.
If a major opportunity landed in my lap, I would find 100 different ways of how I can't do it (money, time, etc.) instead of just going. If couldn't find a way to make my dream come true in a imaginary setting how am I going to actually work towards something like that in real life?
Which brings me to my last reason for my life's "writers block".
I have no clue what to pursue. I have no passion, no direction I can choose from to go. I mean at least some people have a love for animals or a love for travel or a love for cooking that they can somehow work towards, develop into a career path or a hobby that will make them happy.... I don't.
You want to talk about a jack of all trades but a master of none? I am your girl. I know enough or like enough about enough topics to get by, but do not have enough passion or drive for any one thing. Certainly not anything I can work on to to be good at or would take the time to master....at least, not one that I know of.
I feel beaten.
What is funny, is I see all the "can'ts" in this post and know how negative it all sounds.
I am not a depressed person (hehe I know it sounds otherwise) but I feel as though I have gotten into a rut, a hole rather, that is so deep that the light up top is dim. I exhausted myself from creating the darn rut that I don't have the energy to pull myself out.
THIS is a really ugly place to be. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.
OH and feeling this way is not without its share of guilt. Here I whine about how i think my life sucks when there are people in this world who have real problems, who are far worse off that I have ever been...
I don't want anyone to think that I don't have the insight or depth to think out side of myself... its just that as we grow up, we compartmentalize our lives...we have our work life, our love lives our family and how life... sometimes we get caught, hung up on an issue, that ends up affecting ALL the other areas.
I just want to free of this.
I am down to one last option. I have one possible solution for myself that I am hoping to try. If that does not work then I really do not know how I am ever going to get out of this negative mindset and from being surrounded by the negative energy....At least not without doing something stupidly drastic (which of course EVERYTHING has warned me not to do) like quit my jobs and run off to the beach where I further myself into financial ruin...at least part of it sounds appealing.
Anyway, ALL of this was written just to see what someone else might say... in the hopes that maybe someone else has been in my shoes and has some words of wisdom..
Thanks to anyone and everyone who takes the time to read and an even bigger thanks to those who respond.
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Sorry for the delay in response!
Life got in the way and I hadn't a chance to get back on here.
To answer your questions:
1. Degree is in General Studies. I chose that route since it was the quickest way for me to finish and I could still cater the degree towards what I was working on at another school, which was Natural Resources.
2. Im not really sure what it is that I want to do. I think this is why I feel like I am 17 again, is because I have "likes" but have no passion. I know I like the idea of traveling, or at the very least getting out of the state that I am currently in. At this point I would even consider getting a second bachelors degree in a completely different field just to figure out what it is that I am passionate about.
3. I am 24 years old.
4. Its probably been 5-6 years since I have had a real physical...when I was a freshman in college.
5. Birthday: 5-30-86
6. Work Experience: I am guessing you mean where I've worked and what I have done?
Software Company - Support Services - 1 1/2 years - Mainly Customer Service - Phones - Data Entry - Manage Department Statistics. This job came along through a friend and it was a better atmosphere than the law firm so I jumped on it.
Law Firm - Administrative Assistant / Paralegal in training - 6 mos. - It was a small law firm so I was a "many hats" person. I may have had a title but I pretty much did everything other than go to court and win cases. It was ok work, but I knew I wasn't meant for law and only took the job because the economy was really bad and any job was better than no job. Also because at 22 health insurance was going to be "taken away" so I felt the pressure to get a "real" job since the parents stressed the need for insurance.
Before the law firm was a series of bartending/serving/and retail gigs that were mindless and didn't last long. Jobs changed as my class schedule changed, etc.
I have always worked while in school, but it wasn't until I transferred to my second school that I worked full time. I completed two years of school while working full time and also a part time job.
Thanks for your interest in my situation. I look forward to hearing from you!
bump. just in case
Know where you are tmoe. Will send you Reiki healing, but the following might also help:
and John Kabat-Zin (Full Catastrophie Living)
Step off the merry go round/treadmilll my friend x x x
Tmoe, the answer is simple - if you are not excited about anything in your life, then you are not living the life you really want to live. I suspect you just need the courage to break away completely from all that you have been taught is the 'proper' thing to do and from what is expected of you.
Looking at your astrological profile, I see that what you really want is to be able to do your own thing, according to your own impulses, without being limited by the input of others. Blessed with charm, insight, intellectual ability, passion, and awareness, you are here to learn how to unlock the sources of power within you. You want to experience true freedom. You need challenge, not security. You are one of the leaders, the innovators, the pioneers of life. You need a career that allows you the independence to follow your own instincts. You would thrive in a profession that requires initiative and independent action, such as a surgeon, technician, entrepreneur, teacher, writer, actor, musician, politician, motivational or personal trainer, or in sales work that requires a lot of travel and meeting a variety of people, for example. What holds you back is a conflict in the areas of dependence/independence, responsibility, cooperation, and honest expression of emotion. You can also become too preoccupied with justice - "I need everyone to play fair with me or my life cannot possibly work out". Your need for justice and absolute fairness is a bottomless pit that can never be filled. You have to apply the fairness you seek to yourself - you are very giving by nature but you must not give beyond a point that feels comfortable to you.
In your quest for empowerment, you will grapple with quite a bit of conflict and encounter others who will attempt to assert their own power or authority over you or suppress you in some way. This is all designed to help you believe in yourself and your own strength, and to build your character by fighting back and fully owning your power. The key is to set aside your self-judgment and criticism and learn how to love yourself. Don't let your more abrasive and argumentative tendencies get out of hand, and keep a tight rein on your autocratic or even tyrannical inclinations and your tendency to get distracted by all that goes on in your head. What is needed here is calm assertiveness, not wild aggression. Your journey is towards self-acceptance and greater inner security. Believe in yourself and your ideas.
You are here to teach your fellow human beings the lessons of assertiveness, independence, courage of convictions, self-reliance, and overcoming the fear of new beginnings. You either teach this through being a shining example or a dismal failure. Through this process, you will attract many clingy and overly dependent people who want to learn what you have to teach but you must avoid falling into the trap they set for you of taking over their lives for them. In teaching self-reliance, you must remain independent and hold firm to the idea that all positive relationships are separate, yet connected at the soul level. You are here to learn lessons relating to your value system, which include not being swayed in your spiritual values and beliefs, learning how to share them, overcoming negative manipulative traits, and taking responsibility for your sexual behaviour. Whatever energy you give off comes back to you - learning to plant positive seeds is important since negative seeds grow like weeds and need no nurturing. Realigning and readjusting your principles is difficult, for you are coming from many other lifetimes of being concerned with setting proper foundations for the self and family. You must discover what the boundaries are for yourself and other people now. One of your lessons this lifetime is learning to respect others as well as yourself, to find value and not fault in the world and humanity at large.
You also want to experience happiness, harmony, fairness, and support with one partner whom you love. To achieve this, you must be your own partner first. By getting to know yourself better, you will understand what brings you joy and excitement, and how to achieve it. Increasing your level of self-nurturing will help you to feel strong, confident and supported, rather than engaging in an impossible search for an ideal, committed partnership outside of yourself. The perfect love object exists only in your mind, and so you idealize someone only to be horribly disappointed by them. You alternate between being so afraid of giving your heart to anyone that you totally shut down, or else become the toy of anyone who's savvy enough to know how to play you. Thus, your need to prove yourself worthy of love drives you to fall in love with all the wrong people. You can never gain enough approval from others to have permission to be yourself. So you must take the risk and pursue activities that are meaningful to you - and only you. And learn to enjoy equally being alone or in a relationship.
Niow go out and do what you really want to do!
Caringcrustacean - Thank you! I checked out the link and it was VERY insightful. Definitely got me thinking. I will also check out John Kabat-Zin. I appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me. You are right, I need to step off the merry-go-round.
Captain - Wow. I don't know if I've heard anything more true in quite a while. Reading that was exactly what I was needing. A nice virtual "smack in the face". I cannot tell you how I appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me and sharing with me the insight and guidance you have.
You are right, I haven't been living the life that I want and Ive been miserable not doing it. It IS time to get out there.
I have a lot of learning to do, about myself.
I hope you know that though this response may be short, it is not without immense gratitude. I really am grateful and think it is wonderfully selfless of you to help so many on here.
Thanks again and again,
You're very welcome.
Have a great life tmoe - you deserve it k x!