Texting and the internet - the way of the future for love?
I hear so many people talking about their relationship - how deep and meaningful their connection with their loved one, how he or she is definitely the one - only to find out that they have never actually met in person but simply exchanged some emails or texts or talked on the phone.
I am shocked and worried that so many consider this to be a real relationship. People can pretend to be whoever they want to be over the internet or phone. They don't have to reveal they are married or a criminal or what they look like or whatever. Why do so many people seem to prefer a 'fantasy' long distance relationship rather than the real face-to-face thing? Is it because they have been so hurt by 'real' people in the past that they cannot bear to be 'up close and personal' anymore? Does the idea of not having to completely reveal themselves attract them to a cyberspace relationship? And why are people so surprised when they do meet and find that the other person is not everything they thought them to be?
Is this naiveté or a love of fantasy or something else that makes people believe they are having a 'real' relationship via a machine? Do we really not want other people to know what we are like in person or not know what they are like? Are we afraid of the real commitment of daily life together? Do people want to avoid the physical side of a relationship in favour of a cyberspace-style life? Has living in video-game fantasy lands made us fear or not be able to handle real contact? Is this the way of the future - the 'illusion' or substitution of love via texting or email?
Captain, good questions for those that are living this life..What is the life they want, and how could they be in love with someone when it takes time to be with each other and build a relationship...I for one lived life pretending I was someone, or whoever you wanted me to be.That was face to face relationships..Could it be like you said the person, or persons don't want real life and relationships..How can you see the beauty of ones eyes, or to see a sunset together, or holding hands without any words..Building trust is so hard to do at the best of times in reality so how can one build trust over the internet..I couldn't imagine not being able to touch someones hand or to smell their scent..I don't know, i guess i can't make that call if I haven't been in that world...
I think you're asking a very valid question, Captain. It's a wake up call for many.
I think that people might also be so desperate for love and relationship, that they forget that their 'wonderful deep connection' is based on emails, internet chats or phone calls, but these can't be a reliable source of how people truly match or who they really are. Even if one is not pretending to be someone they're not, you can easily misinterpret what they say/feel, or even make wrong assumptions - which is less likely when you see a person 'in action' - how they behave, talk, walk, what they are ready to do for you.
Thanks for posting this, Captain!
HappyPeaceful, so true... I expected to wake up this morning, to come to this thread and see allot of posts...
Although my relationship is not perfect, because no relationship is...At least I am growing and the relationship is also.I get to hold my mans hand, talk face to face,get a warm hug when i need one..(oh, i know we can get hugs from anyone) lol.. I get real Intimacy, talking,laughing,sharing, OK yes, some little, call you on your BS hehe. I want to see my mans eyes, when i ask him a question...
peace and light
you can blame it on the availability of the internet and how quick and easy it is to hook up. it's the women more than the men that get caught up in a fantasy relationship. for the men it's easy, and usually are looking for something extra on the side, or quickie.
The internet is not a safe place to meet others. the world is crazier and scarier than ever before...
I do feel the legit internet dating sites are worth exploring. there are many successful stories on couples who have met through the internet sites.
those who choose to hook up with others thru social networking sites like myspace, facebook need to be very careful, as it's not always safe. if you are introduced by a mutual friend on these social network sites. I think that would eliminate potential crazies. I mean a very good friend, and preferably one you have knonwn a long long time. lol
too many are reckless and taking too many risks with these social networking sites. very dangerous for the woman.
I believe that for some people(like me), on the internet there's less fear of talking. You can carefully choose what you say without looking stupid if you're slow at replying.
You can also express yourself without being interrupted, or without the other person losing track of what you're saying halfway through the sentence...
When you start to say something that would be worth saying, and then get interrupted... it's extremely annoying.
You can also keep track of the information easier, since if you forgot something you can just scroll up and read it again.
However it is true that people can fake facts on the internet, or even identities.
One time, I talked to someone through email (classmate of my friend's sister)... by the time we FINALLY met face to face, I felt like despite the fact that her face/mannerisms gave the wrong impression of her, I already knew what she was about, on the inside... and I also felt like she already knew me on the inside, because I open up much more easily on the internet, than face-to-face, where I'm scared the things I say may come across as lame, or just overly sensitive.
Also, there's the time factor... say, it takes some time(from 15 minutes to... a long time) to travel to meet up... and you need to schedule it carefully before meeting, to make sure both your schedules are compatible.
Talking on the internet saves you the trouble/expenses of moving... you can establish intellectual and emotional contact (although, in the latter case, admittedly not as much as if you were physically together), and comfort each other.
I probably have more that I want to say, but this is all that comes to my mind right now, Captain.
Sunny, you got that right...Bammmm
Namaste' Sunny, thanks again
Amazing, we must've posted on the very same second! What are the odds of that!
Hey Captain, Astrologist Susan Miller had an interesting newsletter talking about this subject. Too much to post here, but suffice to say that Neptune is coming into play to help us all find balance in the area of relationships. She speaks specifically on the issue of internet relationships as well.
On the positive side of this topic, I'd say that the internet brings together people who might not normally meet under other circumstances. On the negative side, I'd say that the internet brings together people who might not normally meet under other circumstances (and perhaps it should have stayed that way).
There's something to be said for meeting people live, in real life, and meeting them doing the things you enjoy, or through family and friends, or simply that chance meeting when you are out and about...but in real time and in real life. My friends who use dating sites defend them as a place to get acquainted before taking the plunge to an actual date. So they spend a ton of time chatting and e-mailing and building up for that meeting, only to discover...things are never the same in person. So all that time and emotional build-up fly out the window in a matter of minutes when you discover that your fantasy guy is actually quite ordinary and unexciting in real life - basically no chemistry between you. Could have saved a lot of time and energy just meeting up in a public place and talking face to face right off the bat.
I tried a dating site for three months. My impression is that there is a lot of "need" present there. Impatience to find someone "right now" to fill empty time and hearts. Many have come straight out of divorce, ready to jump in and find a replacement. Men looking only for some short-term action. You know my story so you know how I feel about the lies. My infamous "Virgo man" was one of four married men I met on the dating site. Once I had the pattern figured out, I just asked these guys, "are you married?". They were surprisingly candid and admitted it when I asked. What did they have to lose in admitting the truth as there was no way I could figure out who they were in real life.
Many of the men I chatted with complained that women are the ones who like to go on endlessly with online chat and e-mails and then never agree to meet in person. Men also stated that they believed this was because in real life, many of these women turn out to have lied about their physical features or age (i.e. "average weight" turns out to be quite larger than what they were led to believe from the women - and trust me, plenty of the men are lying about their ages as well). Men also stated that a lot of women were more interested in their finances than who they were as a person - calling them "gold-diggers".
I'm very concerned about a friend of mine right now (a woman) who, following a divorce, discovered dating sites. Her self-esteem is at an all-time low and she seems to have found a quick fix. She has seen six men in the past month, slept with all of them. It will come as no surprise that none have called her back past a second date and now her self-esteem is even worse. Yet she carries on and no one can talk her out of it. She has everything going for her, but she is totally preoccupied with finding a man. What she really wants is a fulfilling relationship, but she just keeps going for a man hoping he will turn out to be the one I guess. Mind you this is a very intelligent, accomplished woman who has no need to just go for the first guy that will have her. But she is alone, no children or other activities to keep her busy, and chatting on the dating sites fills empty hours. Unfortunately I think it also just serves to keep reminding her that she doesn't have a partner. It feeds the need.
Based on my experience with internet relationships it comes down to "caveat emptor" - buyer beware. I will say that the internet opens up a world for people who live in rural areas, where truly it is harder to meet new people. Well, what am I saying, it can be just as much of a challenge to meet people in a big city. It's do-able but takes effort. Perhaps we are all just lazier these days and don't want to do the work it would take to find people in real life. So much easier to shop on-line. ;o)
Thanks for introducing an interesting and very relevant topic Captain.
HiddenDiamond, allot of valid points you make, but for the ones that are so caught up in the relationship "via networking," this doesn't make sense to me when they say they are in love with that person, but how can they be? They haven't met each other face to face.
I met my Sag man on FB an we have been together 17 months...Its a great way to meet, but I went to school with him, but had not seen him in 20 years...We were never interested in each other in school, just hung around the same group of friends...We chatted and got caught up on our lives, then met for a picnic and that was it...lol.
As far as traveling to meet someone...We both lived about 20 minutes from each other.
But, thats my experience, i wasn't looking for a relationship at that time, it just happened.
I totally agree with Sunny, that men will take advantage of the women that are really searching for that special person...And then there is a man who is looking for that something extra, lets just say .."Yes," it could be a woman that is looking for that also.
I guess it all depends on how NAIVE one is.
Its a good start I guess, to have someone to chat with and to get to know someone, but is it the truth on both ends..."Just my opinion"
Too funny Hiddendiamond, i think all of us were posting at the same time....hehehe
my daughter who is now 30 told me when she was in High School, that a Health education teacher said "boys/men think about s e x every 5 minutes. lol no wonder they're so restless.
as for staying on line and communicating endlessly is just that. and I would agree people do lie about their weight, their age, and how much they make. especially the men... men know women like to hook up with a "wonderful lifestyle", and for men they are very sensitive about that topic.
chivalry is not dead, and if you have not heard from your potential lover in 2 weeks, he/she is just not that into you.
whatever happened to plain old "common sense?"
I think there's nothing wrong with meeting people via the internet - just that you can't call what you have a proper relationship until you are meeting at regular intervals face-to-face. It's easy to be friends with someone you never see or have to talk to all the time or work through the problems of day-to-day life together. It's facing problems together, not enjoying the good times, that is the true test of a relationship.
Now I have another POV and some food for thought. Even though I've NEVER used a dating service and the few times in my youth I let anyone "fix me up" it was never a good experience--I've always preferred to meet my men myself face-to face.
I should say--I have lived on the internet since I became blind in 98..and continued when I got my sight back 5+ years later. When I was blind and brain-injured and talking like a stroke victim and having to ask people to repeat themselves and fading out in the middle of a conversation--using a talking computer to compose a post--could take me hours to write something someone would read in minutes! It could take me re-reading it (having my computer read it to me)
over and over again multiple times before I "got" it!
But communicating via talking computer evened the score--I did not LOOK blind to my virtual friends. I did not SOUND brain-damaged. They read what might have taken me hours to write and rewrite--got what I meant and got to know me. I made friends that did treat me like that "poor sick blind woman." THEY couldn't tell.
During those years I made some very good friends. Just like we make very good friends here on these forums that often grow into off-forum friendships.
Some I was lucky enough to meet face to face and the friendships have grown.
Some are still good online friends. And some faded away as "real world" friends do.
I was in a relationship with one man for almost a decade--so on-line dating --while I had the reservations & worries mentioned in the posts here--was not an issue for me.
At the pushing of GF's who used them, and horrified at the approaches of men in my vicinity once they realized I was single again--I registered for a dating service online, explored who they thought were "matches" and have not gone on one date that way. But I saw what that was like.
I DO see people not having a "real life" and getting addicted to online life--especially in those virtual world games. And that is not good whatever way they live it.
BUT--here's some food-for-thought. Long ago and for thousands of years--before we had photography or telephones or planes or anything like that--when marriages were arranged--often between people at long distances...it did not matter whether it was a poor woman or a royal--letters were exchanged between a couple who had somehow been put together. Women came out to frontiers to marry men they had never met--knew only by a few written exchanges. Some of those marriages worked and some did not.
it strikes me that e-mails and FB messages are a 21st century version of people becoming pen-pals and getting to know one another that way. There is beauty in getting to know someone from their writings. There are literary love letters throughout history that show people unfolding themselves to one another and falling in love that way.
In olden times--if it was a prosperous family or royal--they would have portraits painted. Museums show the portraits exchanged between many royal and prosperous types--of course the painters made them look attractive as they could.
Historical doc's do show it seemed that more often than not--the poorer men still wanted an image or "likeness" of their intended, while the poor women were often happy with letters from their intended. Maybe because women care about who the man IS rather than what he looks like. This too has changed a good bit. And Facebook and other sites at least give a photograph...
For me--the brain heart & spirit is still the sexiest part of a man.
I've made friends on Tarot.com forums by inter-acting and getting to know people as they share.
There are fakes, phonies and scammers everywhere. Think of all the people who have been defrauded. Think of Ted Bundy. I know a woman who was fixed up with her Dr friend's tennis partner--a bunch of Dr's and lawyers who'd played together at the local courts then had breakfast more than a year--set her up with a "great guy" lawyer they'd know on the courts and thought he was who he said he was. He was a fake who had all those guys believing he was who he represented himself as being all that time--til he gained their trust.
He defrauded her, broke her bank, her heart and disappeared. Real life.
There have been women who develop pen-pal friendships with men in prisons--whether thru a friend, a church project, or some other way. There are some who have MARRIED their incarcerated for life (or near to life) partners and have had "fake" relationships that way--long before the internet.
People can be fake and relationships "unreal" whether online or in "real life." The thing is to not "fall in love" with someone you only know a few things about.
I read an article in the Huffington post today called "You're Online Dating and You Don't Even Know It." it's about how people are now making connections through online networks they did not even realize were hotbeds of meeting potential partners--like Facebook! She gave a term that is brand-new to me--it's called TECHNO-ROMANCE.
huffingtonpost-dot com /jessica-massa/youre-online-dating etc. You can find it that way even though we're not supposed to post links here.
I found it interesting. I've had men try to connect with me via FB and have never been interested.
Some approaches have been as appalling or even more appalling than some in-person approaches. I have told each of them I am not interested.
Yet for more than half a year, since I opened my FB to friending people I don't know so I could develop my market base in preparation for my online business, I have made many positive professional connections with colleagues I would have had to spend a lot of money I don't have to travel to conferences to. Some of those colleagues are now affiliate business partners. Some of them are experts on my site. Some are on my getting back on it's feet company's advisory board. This gave me the clout that I needed to move forward after going to non-operation while caretaking my late Mom.
I have found people in different countries to become friends with, and a handful of them have become friends who are not just people who post on the same thread of interest--but people I now regularly private message and live-chat with.
One of them--we had so much in common with the materials we were posting and sharing--began to message me after 5 or 6 months of "knowing" one another from common threads...and it is a lovely and interesting growing friendship is growing with someone in another country that
I never would have met if not for the internet--
as I would never have met any of you! So I guess what I'm saying--the CHOICE to live a real life and learn about the people we think we are having relationships with doesn't have so much to do with technology--
it has to do with the FREE WILL of each individual--and your desire to have authentic people in your life, and be authentic yourself, and how much integrity you act with your self--and how much integrity you expect and demand from others.
And how quick you open yourself up to someone you haven't really taken the time to know--how quickly you allow yourself to "'fall in love"--in "real life"--sometimes it's just super-compatible bio-chemistry between people--those pheromones--talking--
sometimes we just LIKE the way someone looks and WANT them to be the "perfect person for us" and make them to be that person in our own heads--only to get to know them and find out they're not...
SOMETIMES--they are indeed scammers--whether in-person in "real-life" or on the net.
21st Century technology is certainly taking us into new realms....but then again...isn't getting to know someone by their writing the way people USED to do it?
JMHO and some thoughts.....what do you think?
I now understand why you chose the name rising phoenix. you sure have resurrected yourself from some real hard times.
you made some very valid points, and I find them all enlightening. I am reminded of an old movie called :Looking for Mr. Goodbar" a lonely woman wandering in and out of bars looking for that perfect guy. look where she ended up.
you should never judge a book by it's cover. I have seen the most homely man, and you would never think he could be a jerk and with evil thoughts. Good looking men tend to flaunt their muscles to get that good looking girl. why do you think men loves to drive fancy looking sports cars. it gets attention. oops looks like I am going off on a tangent.
this is a great thread.. Sunny
I think people vastly understand how satisfying friendship with someone can be. Everyone is sold the idea that a love relationship is better than friendship. Yet love can easily fade while friendships can last forever. Everyone seems to be in a rush to get intimate with someone without getting to know them properly first. Then they complain when they are dumped. Why this mad rush into love? Why the desperate search for a partner or spouse? Because they don't feel the love inside so they search for it on the outside. But until you know love on the inside for yourself, you will never recognise it or find it on the outside.
Eh, that should be 'vast;y misunderstand' how satisfying friendships can be. I wish we could edit our posts here.
Its almost laughable that they would consider a person they have never met to be their relationship, lol. Like that Sims game they are in a make believe play world. As a person that has been div for 11 years and have been single for most of my life (married for 7 years and now 47). My friends and I have concluded that online dating sites stink and its "fast food sex/love" I was shocked how many men are married (I am sure the women too by the fact they lead on and never meet blah blah) This chronic deception with married people really fries me. I know quite a few aquaintences men and women that are married and actively dating!! Or have a BF or a GF and dating. What about legitimate people looking for a sincere relationship???
Society in general is everything faux!!! If you are too real and blurt the truth out you "offend" or are "brutally honest"...what about just sincere and honest and real?
People do not know how to be real...I am in sales and being real and honest and authentic believe it or not DOES NOT ALWAYS GET the sale!!
LIkewise being a sincere, passionate, independent, beautiful woman can sit home on a holiday weekend.
Conclusion I decided that online dating is filled with too many fakes and besides it feels like pushing fate or trying to manipulate it.
I would rather have a fantastic "cute meet" story to tell anyone that admit I met my man online. It seems more legitimate to met some randomly.
Yes I work all the time, yes I am alone, yeah its boring but I deal with it and dont get nuts and greedy and grasp for my attention. Does it take a long time sometimes?? Yep! Does that make me know myself better? Yep!
I have tried it all so dont think I am high and mighty, back in the day I had a "personal ad" remember those? Belonged to a "dating service" been on all of the dating sites and I have thrown it all in the trash after all the experimentation.
I finally have given it up and given all my will to God to let it happen because I am tired of driving the car around the block 100 times. He can drive the car and take over.
If I am going to be a lonely hag reading Tarot forums, so be it, lol. If someone is going to fall in love with me I want it to COME TO ME.