Long- I'm not living I'm exising. pls help
I deep in my heart know that I should not be in a relationship with this cancer man, but he is the father of my children.
I finally got it together and starting looking after myself (for me), running exercising eating right. I lost some weight that had stuck from having kids, I just got to a place where I was confident again- starting loving myself. This was my outlet to get away from the kids for an hour a day.
HE came home from work and I went out the door for my run, I came home from the run ('me time'), and he started in on me!!!!! He was not happy that the house was not clean. We have kids that are like tornadoes!
So we had a big of words- with this fight I was absolutely serious that I no longer wanted to be with him, I told him to leave or else I would leave with the kids. He always turns it around to make it look like I'm the bad one, that I am to blame. So anyway after the last fight I went to bed early with the kids and left the issue as- you will leave or I will.
He went to work as usual, and I went about our busy day with the kids. He comes home as if nothing has happened and even treats me a bit better.
ARGH. And now I'm back to square 1. I haven't been exercising due to catching the flu, the kids have it also. I have a throat that feels like a razor and being stuck at home has made me eat the kids treat not good food. My confidence is zero again.
Can someone guide me please, I feel like I'm on a merry go round and is really no fun on this ride. Back to just existing, not living
You are in all or nothing thinking. It's either all good or all failure but really it's your perspective. All your good deeds and changes are there but do get tested--and you just gather steam and roll on. It's about energy--were it leaks out and relationships are a good place to review that. We all juggle the energy issue--some things are out of our control--most things are out of our control! Kids get sick--the car dies--jobs get lost etc. So we gather our good energy to weather the storms. You are on the right track by feeding your energy with excercise that not only feeds but gives you a healthy release valve for stress. Good for you! Diet also helps. Your big energy leak is the relationship with your man. He upsets you--the anger and hurt drains you. Simple stuff we all deal with. So he is your bootcamp to excercising your ability to retain your inner power. Don't think of this episode as a failure--it is just an on going process. He sees you gain power and it scares him as he is insecure deep inside really fears you will wake up and see what a loser he is because he really does feel like a loser under all that fake power display--so he belittles you--notice the word little in there--insecure people can not trust in themselves to deserve love so they feel like they must own it or overpower it--so he makes you small so he can keep you. Sometimes he is not even in touch with his own feelings--just comes home--feels the vibes are scary or intimidating so he reacts with irritation--blows a big storm and notices the energy is more to his comfort zone and then it's all ok again in his mind--this is working for him. WHILE in your mind you are feeling "what just happened here?" I'm feeling on top of my game and bam now I feel I got hit by a truck. Stay strong---you haven't lost the war. Practice not getting in an argument in ways that drain you--he goads you and you let your weak spots fight back. He knows what buttons to press. The more you believe in yourself the less you will feel the need to defend yourself. It's not easy stuff but you will get better and better at it. This man really does love you--his skills are lacking. The more you love yourself--the more he will learn about how to love you as well. Never put too much stock into your self worth when you are feeling beaten down and tired. The new moon is around the corner--rest and restore and keep on keeping on! Blessings!