Dear Captain - please advise / help

  • Dear Captain, just read your post on finding happiness within and it really clicked with me.

    The thing is, I suffer from really low self-esteem and I lack confidence in relationships. I have tried email counselling (which was really costly and didn't help much) and I have bought so many online programmes which promises effective help. To no avail I must say...I will be fine for a while and then.....sigh.

    I understand that it all comes from within - but honest to goodness I have tried so hard! I am so frustrated that my issues keep coming back. If counselling doesn't help, what would? Past-life readings to get a deeper understanding of they way I am? I don't know. I attribute my current state of mind to my rather painful childhood, but I know I have to move on already. I really want to, but everything keeps coming back... I wanna attain the happiness you were talking about!

    I don't wanna jeopardise my relationship with the wonderful man I'm with now - he has been so very patient and knows about my issues. We even had a row yesterday because of certain issues involving trust.

    Please Captain, what can I do about myself???? Why am I so insecure /suspicious in relationships?! :-((((

  • Sometimes we cling to things that are old or not good for us, becasue we are afraid to let go and make way for a new life to come in. Maybe there is a part of you that fears change and wants everything to remain the same, even if it's bad? It could be that it is not self-esteem issues that are at the root of your problems here but a fear of things changing. Perhaps you have been tackiling the wrong issues which is why you haven't seen any improvement.

    You can only let go of that painful childhood of yours when you understand that how other people treated you was not your fault or anything to do with you - it was something wrong and troubled in them. I feel you are unable to let go of the past because you think what happened was your doing and you want to know what you did to deserve such bad treatment. You did nothing - children are beautiful and innocent.

    It doesn't work to try and avoid trouble or suffering or pain. All we can do is to build up trust in our own power and the strength to endure whatever is thrown at us. Your childhood, though painful, helped you to develop the strength to survive. Maybe when you can see the positive effects it had on you, you can let the past go and move on. You have grown used to being abandoned and rejected so you push your partner away before he can leave you. You have got to learn to create a new future every day and not expect your life to follow the same pattern as in the past.

    You have to face your fears head-on rather than hiding from them. I think it's why you can't let go of the past - because you are too afraid to live in the present. It's become a habit for you not to trust anyone. And habits can be broken. Fearing something is more likely to make it happen, than to stop it happening. People will always come and go from our lives - that's life - but we can always be there for ourselves. Yes, your partner might very well leave you one day but if you have an inner strength and courage, you can get through it. If you have a love for yourself inside, then you will never feel alone or abandoned. To love yourself, you must recognise how much you have accomplished and how many good qualities you have - make a list of them.

    You must also stop obsessing or over-analysing every situation. Throw yourself into life instead of sitting around worrying and being afraid. Look around you and see how many people are so much worse off than you. You are a creative person - get busy with that. Fill your life with so much fun and activity that you don't have time to obsess. As I said in my Happiness thread, you have to live in the present moment - it's all you have. You can't live in the past - it's dead and gone, you are the only one dredging it up over and over. The future has not been created yet so stop worrying about what may or may not happen at some later date. Whenever you feel yourself slipping into the past or the future, pull yourself back to the present and start enjoying it. You are the only one who can make yourself happy or ruin your life.

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