I have a problem with my boyfriend and his daughter
I have been dating this man for 3 years. He is an Aquarius with a Sagita rising and I am a Cancer with a Leo rising. We have a good relationship. He is kind, gentle, and the people in his life mean a lot to him. When we met, he had been hurt by his wife of 23+ years. She was having an affair which led to their separating and eventually divorce. I came into his life about a year after their split. One of his daughters still live with him (with her 2 year old daughter and her boyfriend), which I don't have a problem with other than she controls my boyfriends home and him. She nor her boyfriend pay rent, or any of the other bills. My boyfriend pays for everything. Financially this is tough for him sometimes, especially now since his job has gone to a 4 day work week to avoid any lay-offs, but he won't ask the kids to help out. I can't help much myself because I have my own household and a teenager still at home. Due to finances, we don't get to go out as much as we would like, and currently, I really only get the weekends to spend with him. We talk daily, but I have a child at home that I need to be available to during the week. On the weekends, I spend solely with him (or try to). The daughter doesn't clean, she leaves her and her child's dirty dishes laying around (the boyfriend does try to pick up after himself) and I try to pick things up and clean the dishes because I can't stand to cook in a dirty kitchen, but my boyfriend tells me to leave it for them, but I have been around for 3 years and she isn't going to do it, and when it does get done she makes the boyfriend do it as well as change all dirty diapers and such.
I am finding that more and more his daughter seems to be trying to control our relationship. She has made it very plain to me that she never plans to leave her dads house and that she plans on staying forever to take care of her dad. At first naive me thought, oh how sweet, but when she continued to tell me this on several occasions when no one was else was around, I finally realized that she was trying to make it clear to me that she was the woman of the house and I was stepping on her toes. Things have gone as far as when her dad and I make love, I have to be super quiet so that we don't disturb his daughter because she doesn't like to hear it. One night recently, he got up to get a glass of water after we had made love and came back to tell me that we must have been to loud because his daughter was now sleeping on the couch.
We had plans to attend a wedding this week for a friend of ours, whose daughter is getting married, until this past Sunday when his daughter came in from spending the weekend with her mother and pulled my boyfriend aside to ask if he would babysit her daughter on the same day as the wedding. Without talking with me first, he made the decision to cut our date short to run home to take care of his granddaughter. When he came back in the room, she came in with him and marked on the calendar dad 2 babysit Sat. at 6, and he informed me at that time what was going on. I responded by saying, we are suppose to be at the wedding. He felt like we could still go. I thought about this for a couple of days because I was afraid to say anything at the time. However, when the opportunity did come up, I spoke up and asked if there was anyway that his ex could switch days with us, so that we could attend the event that we had already planned to attend, but his response was he was not going to do that. I then tried to explain that if we planned to go the wedding we would only be able to attend the ceremony and we would have to leave at that point to be back in time to watch the grandbaby. We would have to miss the reception which I pointed out was always the fun part of a wedding and I was looking forward to attending. I also explained that the 2 of us don't get to go do a lot and that the weekends was the only time that I had with him to myself. I told him that I don't mind watching the baby, but that in the future if we had plans, that I really wished he would discuss it with me before he decided to change our plans for his daughter's wants. At first he came to his daughter's rescue by saying that she and her boyfriend don't get to do much together by themselves because of the baby, but I told him that wasn't true. They were always going and doing things. The baby spends time with the other grandparents, and because the kids don't pay any bills, they have more money to go out and do things, than we do. I again asked that when we had plans to please in the future discuss with me first before canceling our plans.
The thing is that I am feeling like a third wheel, or an outsider. I don't know what to do, and I have to be super careful when it comes to his daughter because he doesn't see the manipulative behavior. He has several children but he favors this one the most. He loves them all and it is very apparent, but this one is his favorite. Because of my past with my ex and his constant affairs, I need to feel like I am the most important person in this mans life and he has made me feel this way, but more and more his daughter keeps trying to take more and more control and I don't know how to balance it all out or how to approach how I feel about it all. If any one can help here, please bring it on.
Hi, He sounds like a friend I've known for about 15 years. I don't see things changing anytime soon. I don't know how the daughter is going to take care of the dad when the dad is supporting that family. Maybe your boyfriend does this for the grandchild, knowing that the parents are not able to support themselves. She is obviously spoiled, the dad obviously loves his kids. I don't know what it would hurt to speak up to the daughter. Mainly about cleaning. If you plan on being around then I would let her know that also. You don't have to be confrontational.
I have been in a situation where my boyfriend wanted to move his 19 yr old son and 18 yr old wife in w/us. They had no plans, no ambition to find work etc. It lasted w/me about 3 wks. So, they went back to their mom's apartment. She told me that they basically stayed in their room a lot. This is so much different than when I was that age that I don't even want to go there. My boyfriend ended up getting them an apartment. The son got a job at a grocery store. The son quit after 1 month. This is a hard situation. I don't see it changing because your boyfriend has already set the framework.
I do know that he is not happy with the situation, but he does not like confrontations. We have discussed that at some point when my youngest graduates and is out on his own. That we would both sell our houses and get something together. Me being that I am not giving up my house that I bought as a single mother to move in with him (especially under the situation with the daughter) and have nothing to go to if somewhere down the road it doesn't work out, and he wants something farther out in the country. He is a country boy that likes the outdoors. He is also close to retirement.
He has said that he would never let her move in another boyfriend and the two of them holding down full-time jobs and not contribute to the bills, but I don't know if that means he would only make the boyfriend pay and the daughter continue living there free or not. I also know that he was not happy when the daughter was pregnant and the thought of having another baby in the house, he felt his baby days were done and over, but I did encourage him that he would feel different when the baby arrived, and he did of course. He is proud of his grand baby and she is a delight to us all.
I just can't seem to know how to get him to stand up for himself and to quit letting his daughter control his life. It's like we have his ex still in the house with us. It was my understanding that from everyone that his ex was much like his daughter, and I also know that the daughter and the ex are always talking and she is always advising the daughter on how to do everything. I also know that the whole wedding thing came from the ex. She advised the daughter that her dad could watch her that night because the daughter made that known to me that her mom told her to tell dad to watch her.
I want him to stand up and insist that those kids help pay the bills around there so that he can take care of himself. He needs medical attention, he's in pain all the time, and he could use dental work, but let's himself go because he doesn't want to cause waves within the house. And because he is paying all the bills he can't afford to have the surgery on his wrists or his knees, and be off of work for recovery. His daughter has a college degree, a full-time job, a boyfriend with a full-time job, and they spend money going out to eat, partying, and buying what they want.