PLEASE help me understand Aquarians.....
I have thoroughly enjoyed hearing all the interesting things you curious Aquarians have taken the time to share with the rest of us. I am completely new to Astrology but fascinated with it all as I see how accurate it's profiles often are. I am a very typical Aries, but I am deeply emotional and attached to people. I am atypical to Arians in that I am not independant -- I need to be intimately joined to my peers. I love having close intimate relationships with others, and knowing there are those out there who know all about me but love me anyway means the world to me. I am very opinionated and strong, and tend to always lead.... but I have a tender heart that is easily broken -- although few would ever know that about me. Most think I am the strongest woman they know. With that groundwork laid, I am here to ask for help from some Aquarians in a matter that is very dear to my heart..... and would greatly appreciate any info/advice you may choose to render.
I have an incredible life ..... amazing husband, lots of great children, a rewarding career and all that, but since moving a few years ago I have really missed having best friends nearby so I have sought that out. I have found several friends and I love them all, and they are very diverse and each seem to bring something unique to the table, so to speak. I have always had an easier time maintaining friends with men through the years, because I just seem to be wired more like them in some ways. Here is my problem:
I have this one male friend (Aquarius) who I enjoy so much. He is a great deal like my husband (who I have been with for 29 years...since I was 12) in many ways, so I think I felt like I already knew him a bit when we first met. He was shy and introverted and a loner --like my husband used to be when we were kids, until I changed him! lol-- and I think I pretty much thought that this man could really benefit from an outgoing friend who knew how to get people to trust them and open up to them and all. At first I tried to be friends with him because I thought he needed that, but over the years I have learned how much he has to offer and I count him as a true blessing in my life.
I have never been friends with any one like him before, and it is a really hard friendship for me to maintain. I consider myself to be excellent at analyzing people and seeing what makes them tick, but I can't figure out one thing about him!!! : ) I am a VERY giving person who just loves loving people. I always look for ways to make people smile, help them, show them they are loved, etc. I am an excellent true blue friend that would die would a stranger easily, so the lengths I would go for a friend are exceptional.
Over the first few years of trying to build our friendship I probably overwhelmed him a lot and crowded him sometimes, because I am like that and he demands huge amounts of personal space. Like I might let some cookies in his car one day with a note saying "what's up, my friend?" and although it was very strange to him, it was completely normal for me. In the early years, he would make me so mad because I would always try to be there for him in every way that I could, but he never tried to "give back" in any way. There wasn't anything I wanted from him, but it made me feel like he didn't value my friendship. Once I asked him if he did value it and he vehemently could not admit it to me. I told him I wanted to be the kind of friend to him that he knew would always be there for him, and grow old together. He said that was weird, and he doesn't need friends like that, that he is happy in his own little world all by himself...... but his words never seemed to add up. It hurt me so much because I crave intimate friendships, and I just wanted to know what was so wrong with me when I thought I was a friend of pure gold. He basically seemed to be threatened and felt like I was saying he wasn't "good enough" to be my friend when I would try to communicate my feelings about such things. No matter what he said, his warm smile and his slowly-forming trust in me, told me that he must appreciate our relationship. I decided to try to just be the kind of friend he needed and not be as sensitive. I realized that is just who he is and he will prolly never show friendly affection to me in any way. Because I valued him so, I would have to learn to accept that -- as hard as that was for me.
But here we are, about five years later. ... Aries me and a very typical Aquarian (except not at all the social butterfly or altruistic soul). We have made lots of progress. We can talk on the phone about nothing for 8 hours and it feels like no time at all -- which I NEVER thought would happen in my lifetime! lol Sometimes I know he is enjoying our conversation as I tell him every embarrasing thing about my life --as the total open book I am-- and he gives almost nothing up on himself! I asked him the other day what his biggest fear was and it was like I asked him the most personal question in the world, and of course he refrained from answering !lol In my heart I have come to really know that he values this friendship... I can tell that much....but my head tells me another story. All these years I have initiated every single text, call or visit. I invite him to go places or hang out at my house and he ALWAYS declines. There are only two things he will ever do with me in person, occasionally stop by in the afternoon for lunch as he works almost door, and have me over to his place to hang out/chat some evenings. If I text /message him, I might have a ratio of about 10:1 that he responds. It always seemed to be like he is my friend when he feels like it. I don't understand this-- it seems so cold and selfish. I am a friend to all of my friends 24/7 and NEVER ignore/dismiss them. We can be really having fun one day and the next day he goes distant and wants "his space" for days or months. This makes me feel like there is something so terribly wrong with me, like I annoy him too much to stand me for long. I want to pull away and be mad when he does this to me, but I do love him as a friend and I want so to understand why he keeps doing this to me...over and over again. I am NOT a doormat and don't let people take advantage of my kindness, but I feel sometimes like I let him....but then the next minute I really think he doesn't mean to hurt me and he just can't help it for some reason. I have gone through a lot of hurt in this friendship, and if I didn't have the strong love and security at home in my husband I would have ended it this friendship years ago. I am trying to be strong, avoid conflict by bringing this up to him, and instead just trying to better understand him. That is what brought me to astrology and to this forum. Can anyone out there help me to understand what is going on here with my dear Aquarius friend? Can you tell me if it is me or just "the Aquarian way"? What can help an Aquarian to open up and let others in? He is almost 40 and has never even been in-love once....that breaks my heart! I want to see him let go so he can embrace new relationships and hopefully find his soul mate one day.... but I can't see that happening without being able to express his feelings on an emotional level. If I back away from this friendship I am afraid that he will close himself off to others worse than ever before, but at the same time how often do I need to be made to feel like the mud on his shoe? PLEASE HELP ME OUT, GUYS!
Hi, Was he an only child or from a big family. I think you can become friends w/o overwhelming him. It seems that you are fascinated w/him and I'm not really sure the motivation. Are you concerned w/his well-being. You know you can't control him. To get to the root of his personality, so to speak, you would have to know about his background and up-bringing, family life, parental issues. If your not a psychologist, wouldn't play the psychologist. This seems like a fixation for you. Another way to look at this. He is a man and this is not a grade school friendship to him.
I don't have time to read the post you wrote, fellow Aries, but I can tell you one of my best, and most confusing friends is an Aquarius. I find the most difficult challenges in being this person's friend, and, in my mind, figure I've grown considerably since I've met him. I happen to know he regards me as a bit of a world wonder, being that I'm quiet, patient, and kind, though he has heard repute of me being less than so in my youth.
Despite all the things he's done to confuddle me as to why he's my friend in the first place, he has never let me down without a substantial reason, and he's close at my side whenever I move in a certain direction. He tells me he enjoys my company because it teaches him patience and understanding, though at times I wonder even at that. On the flip side of the coin, being his friend has taught me to be outgoing and at times, outrageous. In lieu of my past, I'm not readily wont to go crashing through the brush, but, when my Aquarian friend is nipping at my heels, I enjoy it quite immensely.
Still, it does irk me that on outings he won't introduce me to his friends. He's a lot thinner than me and likes to pick fights just so that he can show me how quickly he may run. But, on the other hand, most people I know and introduce me to enjoy my company more readily than his, and, he's always the one running away.
So, ego clashes and misunderstandings bloom and whither. But still, he's as close to me, closer even, than both my own brothers. He even looks like one of them. My mom adores him and wants to adopt him into the family. As is, I can barely stand the sight of him for more than a day, day and a half. But, he's still my friend, and has been as long as I've known him. I, letting him settle, listen, and feel comfortable with his surroundings, and he, getting me out of my brood and up and running around.
Correction: "introduce him to"
Now that I've read a bit I have a thing to say.
Have patience. In fact, being an Aries, this you may well appreciate. It'll take time and patience, but time you certainly have, and patience you certainly need to work on.
Don't contact him. At all. No cookies. Not treats. No notes. Nothing.
When he contacts you, be his friend. No animosity, but no cookies, either. Unless, of course, you have an ample supply. But, don't go out of your way for him.
And then, after you go home. Don't contact him. At all. Same thing.
He may begin to notice the change in you. He might even seem concerned, or hurt. Shrug it off.
I don't mean, wound him. And I certainly don't think you should tell him. Just say, no big deal.
He may get wise to it. But really, it's no big deal.
First and foremost, Aquarians walk to the beat of a different drum. Independence is the core and any outward expectation from someone else makes us feel cornered and trapped into a behavior we are not comfortable with, and don't do well.
Friendships are almost more important to us than committed partnerships, and anyone poking and prodding to find out who we are is a threat. We will open up on our own and divulge more information than most want to hear, but if it feels as if someone is investigating us we will clam up, shut down and disappear.
We are not committment phobic, but very slow to get there. That is because once committed we don't let go, and therefore, we weigh every possible scenerio to make sure we are able to follow through with the committment.
I have very close, immensely important and dear friendships with a few people. Some I see or talk to a couple times a week, others I don't have contact with for months, sometimes years. Life takes you down many paths and sometimes those paths require all our attention, that doesn't mean that those friends who are on different paths aren't important.
If someone left me a plate of cookies "just because", I would be suspect of what was expected from me in return and I would be very uncomfortable. Especially if they were left in my car, just thinking about it makes me uneasy because it reminds me of being stalked, invaded.
I'm not trying to be judgemental here, I know dealing with an Aquarian can be frustrating and many times infuriating, but we can also be a lot of fun, and once we are a friend (unless you lie to us) we are a friend forever.
Hope this helps.
Funny that I just happened to stumble on this. I am an Aries female and my boyfriend of 2yrs is an Aquarius. I have to say they are difficult at times but the main thing I have found is you have to be willing to give them there space …I have found this is the most important thing to them. If you start to crowd them they will withdraw just like a turtle into their shell. The best thing for me that has come from this relationship is I have learned great patience …LOL That as you know is a great accomplishment for any Aries. Best of luck to you!
Gosh. i don't wish to be harsh. I will respond as an Aquarian to your tender feelings as an Aries. to say...that i have had an Aries friend who felt the same way about me. I felt devoured by their intrusions. And their endless need for validation. Borderline infantile ... obsessive need to be first in my life. To "help " me. I found the judgements you held about the future prospects for your friend if He didn't submit to your ministrations of "love" terrifying as it was based solely on your perceptions and unmet needs.
Please know that as an Aquarian over 40 I am very sensitive to when my friendship and intimacies with someone are mere bangles and baubles on their egos. The harder they try the farther I back off. Its a dread fascination . One I had to finally cut off as the lack of health was particularly clear when the Aries sense of desperation to get me to respond escalated beyond all reason.
it is worth noting I have an Aries ascendant and have been on both sides of this story. Pursuing the distant Aquarian with no success until I found the key for me. It was this: I had to get a life and realize my so called altruism was only this.. a desperate and infantile bid for attention... that I now recognize as MY problem Therapy has helped a lot. And anyone who exhibits tis behaviour towards me who happens to have a lot of Aries in them is now seen for what they are. Borderline infantile and lacking in the very generosity they so vocally defend.
Please excuse the harshness of tone . It is meant as an astringent not and acid response to a very familiar issue to me.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE VERY GOOD ADVICE...IT IS HOW HE TREATS OTHERS AND HIS ADVICE ALWAYS TO ME. I JUST AM SO NURTURING AND I KNOW THAT HE DOES GET HURT EASILY -- DESPITE HOW WELL HE HIDES IT. I NEVER WANT TO HURT ANYONE.
(SOMETIMES I THINK I AM MORE OF A PISCES AS IT BORDERS MY BIRTHDAY.) I LOVE THE PERSPECTIVE HE ADDS TO MY LIFE AND HIS TAKE ON THINGS IS ALWAYS FASCINATING SO I WILL TAKE YOUR ADVICE AND HOPE THAT HE VALUES OUR FRIENDSHIP ENOUGH TO COME BACK FROM HIS "DISTANCE SEBATICAL" ONE DAY --ON HIS OWN WITHOUT OUT ANY PROMPTING FROM ME. ONE OF THE WORST THINGS I HAVE EVER WENT THRU HAPPENED LAST NIGHT AND HE NEVER RESPONDED WHEN I REALLY NEEDED TO TALK TO HIM --- WHICH IS NOT LIKE HIM --- SO I DO FEAR SOMETHING IS WRONG, BUT I WILL FIGHT MY BASIC INSTINCTS AND LET THE BALL IN HIS COURT. THANKS SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE TIME TO RESPOND TO ME AND OFFER YOUR ADVICE. : )
At the risk of offending Aquarians -
Aquarians are all mind, and virtually no emotions. See R-W Three of Swords.
They want to help people, but in a generic, high-level sort of way, by solving the worlds problems.
As for freedom and independence, it is freedom from emotionalism that they want.
They carry their emotions (water) in a jug, where they can be kept under control and not interfere with their life.
They can be very insensitive to other peoples emotional needs. They think they are sensitive, but it is an intellectual exercise. They can be very sensitive and romantic when they apply their mind to it, but when their attention is elsewhere you could be be on fire and they wouldn't notice.
To be friends with an aquarian, share their mental dream life, and never comment on the emotional side of the relationship.
Their loner nature comes from a simple lack of need for emotional support from others.
You can't help them by addressing their needs. They don't have needs. They direct their own life wherever their interests take them. You attract an aquarian by being interesting..
Thank you for helping me understand my mother & sons (all Aquarians) a lot more and my daughter who is an Aries! Also, my ex father -in-law was an Aquarian...I had always found him insensitive and hard to fathom! My moon is in Aquarius though .....
Well I hope this helps......
As an Aquarian lady I understand your concerns and I also understand his "aloofness". It is a challenge for anyone to be with an Aquarius, even another Aquarius. I am sure he values your friendship. However, as an Aquarian, I would rebel against anything being shoved down my throat. And it sounds like that is kind of happening with you trying too hard to be his friend. I have alot of Aquarian friends, most are single. Most Aquarians can't handle clingy, needy people because they exhaust all of our energy.
It is important to remember that this man is human and he requires all the love and friendship that anyone does. He is just a different sort. If you are determined to "figure him out" you are wasting your time. He accepts you for who you are and you must do the same if you want this man as your friend.
We are thinkers and we can't help it. It is hard for us to decipher emotions because we can't compute. Sometimes we feel more "at home" with a stranger, than our own circle of friends. But when you do get an Aquarian to feel, we remember it for the rest of our lives.
Thamks, once again to all of you who responded to my question. I know it was a very long post, and I appreciate you reading it.
In the above reply I was responding to Neanderthal's post. It was great to see that a friendship is possible but that I need to not expect so much.
Sinnod--WOW! Your response was so greatly appreciated. You really understood his mind-set. You were very helpful in showing me the error of ways. I was dealing with him as I do all of my friends, when I needed to deal with him differently -- because his ideas of friendship are different. You made the comment about leaving cookies and a note making you uneasy, as though you were being stalked.....TOO funny! That is precisely how he saw it and I had to explain myself, in order to not give him the wrong idea of me! Thanks for sharing your experiences.....I know it will help me to relate to him better on his terms.
Beachlover---Thanks for your support. : )
Whiteswan--OUCH! Truly brutal...but sometimes the truth hurts. I thank you for your candor, and for the light it shed on the situation. I am some one who ministers all the time. I work with teens in a mentor/counseling way and I am completely that kind of "fix-it" person. I know I do it because I love people and I want to see their happiness. I am not doing it because of my ego, but what you had to say was most interesting. I am aware that I do seek validation too much and your message has helped me to look introspectively into my motives. I appreciate your reply and it has helped me to see that my friend sees things so much differently than I do, and if I am a true friend then I will be what he needs and not look to have my friendship needs met in him.
Beanu--You really hit the nail on the head in many ways. Your post was so helpful. It is exactly how I see my friend at times. I tend to think that it means I am doing something wrong, when actually it is just a difference in personalities. That makes sense-- he always detaches when I am emotional with him, like when I need his validation. On the flip side, he listens to me for hours --being emotional about things in my life and all, and seems interested enough. Is that how it is? Is it ok for their friends to be emotional as long as they aren't expecting any emotion from them? It was very interesting and helpful. You are right... he was friends with me because he found me interesting... on a mental/intellectual basis. He likes to prod but wants no one to prod into who he is...... which I always do. You have shown me so much, and I thank you.
Thanks pinkest---- I loved what you had to say. It is completely true. I do need to accept him for who he is, just as he is so great about accepting me. I am not usually terribly "clingy" but I have been through some things lately that have made me much more so, which is probably very annoying to him. I hope you are right and he does value our friendship although he never says it. In my heart, I believe he does...so I will hold on to that belief and try not to need validation of it. I'll back away and get my strength back before I weigh him down. Thanks so much!
Hope I can help. My mother was a water bearer drove me nuts! I am Pisceswith Leo rising.
It is hard for an Aquarius to have a filtered mouth. Kind of they dont have a mute button. Open mouth insert foot. They dont mean to be cold but they are like the running water they are pouring out. Friends are more important than anything else they love to party! Aquarians make it hard to be close sometimes while you are pouring out your heart they will come out with something like look how blue the sky is! Dont take it personally. If an Aquarius is friends with you they love you. They are also softer than you think they do get hurt so sometimes there defense is to be cold or disconnected. Hope this helps.
I dont think I could have said that any better myself, jan. 27th, . That was the most accurate way to put the overall Aquarian Life into perspective.
Thanks, jjgurlz! ...........
I really appreciate the way people have been so kind to respond. I am realizing that my idea of friendship is just not necessarily the same for everyone else. I always used to think that everyone wanted to find their soul mate, and make lifelong intimate friendships because we all need that in life to be happy but this is showing me that I was wrong. Just because I need that--it doesn't mean that others do at all. He has often told me that he just doesn't need people in his life and I thought he was just saying that to protect that male super-ego, but he really may not need others. He is kind, helpful and intuitive, but on his own time table. He responds or accepts an invitation only mostly just when it works for him. I can never say no to people and go out of my way for everyone who remotely needs me. I can't expect that from him. He does things his way, I do them mine and the healthy way is prolly somewhere in the middle! : )
He is not outgoing and is not a partier. I mean he will drink sometimes but he shys away from social functions and has to be drinking to be comfortable around others. (he doesn't need to around me..just in social settings) That's where he is not typical to other Aquarians. But yes, he does get his feelings hurt....which proves he cares...so that is a good thing, in my opinion.
My daughter used to always say that he was so guarded with me and would go distant because he had feelings for me and he was trying to protect himself from hurt.....but I know that is not the case or I would be a priority to him. I never understood and was hurt so often. Now I will be able to proceed with this friendship understanding and appreciating him more for who he is, and not taking "his way" personal.
One last question..... why if someone is so unemotional as Aquarians often are, is it so easy for them to talk about very personal matters like the intimacies of sex, with little inhibition? I would think that sex would fall into that "too up close and personal to talk about" catagory, but it doesn't. He can easily flirt, although he means nothing by it, which also seems out of character from what I would expect from someone so emotional detached. Is that a characteristic of an Aquarian, in your experience?
jjgurlz - you really described my mother to a T (jan 29th). Growing up I used to "gossip" with my mum but if I needed comforting or emotional support it was my dad who I confided in (Cancer).Even now at 70 she has an extremely active social life & circle of friends but she is still not really approachable.
Hello FYI it has been my experience with a few Aqurians that they don't like to make waves when it comes to themselves. The will stand up for someone else but not themselves. And they aren't the one standing up front they hang back some. And they have their own clock too. The ones I know don't need much in their life so they like to work just enough to sustain their life style. Never knew too many who were very materialistic. But I was and still am to an extent disappointed at times because I expect people to be like myself. Which when I do that I only set myself up for disappointment. I sabatage things that way. So I am better than I was but on occasion I will backslide.