ASCLAC part 4

  • I had to text my guy that I got the impression he wanted to 'make up for lost time' by meeting as many women as possible...but also to please correct me if I was wrong about that. I just need the truth, that's all. I've expended so much energy meeting the needs he claims I meet...only to be faced with this confusing scenario and be told "no one person can meet all your needs..." while saying "I don't know what my needs are!!" if I ask him what they are. How can I know I meet the needs he says he needs, especially now? I have a feeling he doesn't want to be responsible for meeting his needs himself, because then he would have to be responsible for the consequences of when he doesn't 'succeed..' or disappointment when someone else doesnt' want to meet his needs!!

  • I can't just be there for his convenience while he 'explores what he needs' with other women.

  • Well for what he's put you through, giving you gifts is the least he can do 😉

  • it's been quiet since I texted him that message..maybe trying to decide (he is indecisive overall, too--it's almost his "identity") whether he can deal with my query, or whether he'd be 'better off' continuing this route of getting other women to meet his random needs. I don't know. I e-mailed my best friend about this--she has 'psychic feelers' and does readings for me when I am facing a crisis like this...this guy is really needy, but she tells me he can't expect everyone to meet his needs.

  • That was for Lua.

    Cuspglyph -

    I think maybe your guy needs more time alone, to figure out his needs and to learn to make himself be happy...what he's doing is not fair to you...

  • I still recall how he 'forgot' to celebrate our 3rd Anniversary while he was excited about that reunion with the 'unrequited love' relationship online. it seems only when it was clear she had a boyfriend he stopped being so 'excited'. I really felt left out during that time.

  • cusp -

    Sounds like you're bending over backwards for this man, but why?

  • Well, it sure would make a difference if he understood when you make a vow of marriage, it's not just about getting your own needs met--at least not this way! I had to call his bluff about 'maybe you need to find someone else to meet your needs' when I brought up this subject (and not by choice, either--he was generally freaking out at the time). Suddenly, he called back and cried "I'm scared!! I will e-mail what I am willing to give up to be in a relationship with you!!" (That e-mail never happened, though). I can understand "cold feet" but at least be upfront with me about that, so I am not wasting my precious time being 'kept around' while questionable stuff goes on around me!

  • Ironically, a really sweet convention guy has kept e-mailing me even though I've told him I am already engaged. We have a lot in common, but I am loyal. He sends me paintings of couples he's made, and is always ready with warm words, etc. It's like he's in denial about my relationship; he flirts with me in a very charming way.

  • Hi Kel!

    It's that "don't know" that makes it hard to know for sure what is going on, period. He uses that phrase in a way that means (to him!) "I want to grow in this relationship with you, so if there are ups and downs and we are still together, that means we must really love each other!!" It's almost like he is putting the 'or worse' vow before any actual marriage will happen! What he gives me is great, but when other stuff intervenes...I really need this guy to 'man up' and admit what is going on besides "I don't know..."

  • Hi Kel,

    I was just 'musing' on the quiet in that last message. It helps me to think clearly if I type things out before I do anything. Yes, he may really need to get it together with his head before he says anything definite...By the away, he's a 3 of Diamonds in cartomancy, so he is "indecisive" if well-meaning. My father is also that as well as my older sister, and I have noticed that tendency. They have 'abandonment' issues so it's hard for them to believe they can get their needs met 'just as themselves' in a relationship.

  • Apparently that text to him helped...he admitted that while he was 'no longer scared of women' in his actions, he felt that 'friendly' interactions were healthy and if those people needed to be straightened out he could set boundaries. (With his frequent displays of "I don't know what to do!" though, that didn't help!) He let me know that while he knew guys found me 'very attractive' he actually thought it 'did' something for him!! So it was like "I would think you would want to be with someone other women found attractive and I think it's healthy I am finding myself attractive and getting that attention, even if it doesn't lead to more..." Well, I had to 'chew' over that one because of the previous contradictions I had noticed--in action! Or, as applied to himself: "I wouldn't want to seem 'hard up' in being with someone unattractive as a 'consolation prize' why would you?"

    Important for me to let him know my take on that myself...I texted that while I appreciated attention from others, it was more important to me to have good feelings about myself to begin with, so I didn't really 'need' that so much...and I set boundaries for guys who 'didn't get' I already cherished what I had with I hope that helped him to see what that was about!

  • cusp -

    What is cartomancy? I've never heard of that

    ""I'm scared!! I will e-mail what I am willing to give up to be in a relationship with you!!" (That e-mail never happened, though)"

    This is a little disconcerting...sounds like manipulation to keep you where he wants you

    What are you going to do?

  • Hi Kel!

    Cartomancy is something I discovered last year via a mutual friend before he proposed to me...before I found out about this, he'd read a description he thought was about me that actually applied to the 'unrequited love' before she friended him online early this year! We are both 'read' as strong-minded women, but in her case she was described as being 'very sensual' and that excited him greatly. How spooky is that?

    In any case, it added a new dimension to the "picture" metaphysically. So many times, I have found aspects that ring true for me, and have helped me to understand my own frustration in relationships.

    I keep reading "needs mental stimulation, decisive, gregarious..." I''m a Metal Rat, 10 of Clubs and to round that off, Aquarius, moon in while I crave being respected for my mind, I also need emotional connection.

    He is a 3 of Diamonds and a Wood Horse, as well as Scorpio, moon in he's less decisive yet learns from experience what his values are (and really needs a "soulmate"), while his Wood Horse is less restless in the emotional department--he takes relationships more seriously, despite 'horsing around'. And he's told me with my Sun in Aquarius, that I am the one to meet his emotional needs.

  • So it's a matter of him making up his mind what his needs really are...I respect his integrity--he's really good at expressing his political views, for example, without being afraid of seeming 'offensive'--but tends to 'go back into himself' when a heavy mood hits him and is afraid of not getting his needs met. And of course, with his history...that stuff gets thrown into the mix!!

  • Hi Kel,

    So far, the workshop on "past issues" is a 'done deal'. I got an e-mail update--twice <lol>!!--on the event tonight that it would actually cost something that was out of both our budgets for now. I forwarded that notice to him. He was happy to hear that other workshop was something I was still up for, but really--getting through that together would impress me.</lol>

  • Oh, Kel...

    Cartomancy involves your birthdate (year not necessary for a basic description) that shows character tendencies...and they can evolve from year to year. It helps in relationship "combo cards" that outline success and challenges in relationships. My own "combo card" says we both need to be aware of Self-Mastery with each other--being truthful about ourselves to each other, and doing our best not to be codependent for a balanced relationship (less neurotic need for "power plays").

  • Ok - so I gotta talk about this and I am so embarrassed ! Sexually, J & I really, really click. I enjoy sex and really, there is no such thing as never enough to me. J is different. Which is totally fine. he can wait days, yet his sexual needs seem to be more emotional. He gets in moods where sex one time can be one time completely different. Whcih, you will hear no complaints from me, b/c it is always different.

    However, here is the only small problem. He likes to always be in control and he NEVER clues me in to what he is planning. And i am not sure why. This confuses me and if my schedule does not match with his need...then I feel bad. I hate to disappoint him. I wonder if he takes it personally. or if he understands. And, there are times when I would like to be in control and just please him, yet, he does not seem to want that. Why would that be ?

  • Taurus7,

    Did you post his birthdate here?

  • Cusp - it is 07/07/70 mine is 5/15/68

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