ASCLAC part 4
I'm going to give you an example of how I work and why it can backfire when we let people into our brain...
I tend to operate in the realm of emotional extremes, at least initially. I know myself pretty well so I know to let the dust settle before I talk about anything because initially when I'm dealing with something I go to each emotoinal extreme about a situation in an effort to figure out what is actually going on, if that makes any sense. So in order to shield people from the rollercoaster, I keep everything inside until I'm done "digesting" it all and figure out a solution
So not too long ago there was a problem in the bedroom with Aries, I immediately took it personally, that there was something wrong with me (when in actuality it had very little to do with me) and I immediately jumped tot he conclusion that we weren't s*exually compatible and our relationship would end soon. I made the mistake of letting Aries know what I was feeling (this was all int he matter of like an hour by the way) and this in turn worried him and made him really upset that I was thinking this because he didn't fully understand how I operate.
I jumped to the most extreme conclusion as a defense mechanism in order to be prepared for the worst case scenario
However when a few more horus went by and I calmed down, I realized how irrational that line of logic was and I was able to figure out how i was really feeling about the situation and talk about it. But then the problem was that by letting aries in TOO early into my thought process, I had caused damage which I then had to fix (I freaked him out because he really thought i was thinking our relationship was over) So for me its easier to just keep quiet about things until I've figurd them out on my own and then talk about them because most people won't understand the logic because its really quite backwards lol It's like I prepare for the worst to spare myself some future pain, but if you're always waiting or jumping ot the clusion that the worst is going to happen....you make it self-fulfilling and the worst does happen lol
So now I will let him in on the initial process but i filter what i tell him, i just tell him what i'm thinking about and if he digs further i will tell him my thought process, but only when he asks
But a lot of this was at the request of Aries, he honestly truly wants to know what i'm thinking all the time and he tells me that constantly and constantly reassures me that with him, i have a safe place to speak freely and open up my shell.
It's not as one-sided as i make it sound lol I also have to reassure him he has a safe place too with me, he's just as sensitive lol We've both been doing a lot of hard work
kel-he only left this morning. I was very busy afterwards meeting up with another friend, etc so I haven't had time to process it. I'm not letting it affect me too much. I had a nice time with him, but I think I was more aloof to him and that seemed to make him even more affectionate.
Taurus-yeah, the Romanian guy was a jerk. he was beeing all romantic sending me songs. One of the songs he sent me was posted on FB by his girlfriend!!!
I think if it was the me of 6 months ago I would be melting over crab's behavior..but just because he was all lovely dovey now doesn't mean he would stay this way..so I'm just letting it go as a good time with no expectations..I asked him if he was coming to see me if he gets vacation. he didn't say "yes I am coming to see you" He said "I want to take Continental airlines next time, Philippine airlines takes too long.." side step, so typical of crab!!! Kel-why can't he just say yes, I want to come see you?
I had to put my foot down (no pun intended!!) about that dance comment...he knew darn well I knew how much dancing again meant to him, and so I texted him about that question for the co-worker...he told me first 'usually only dancers or athletes' stretch when she did, so I pointed out so do people who yoga or work out...(and so did the guy who had my cellphone number! lol); he also realized how her query about what time he got off work sounded in relation to that, but said it could just be a 'typical work question'. Even so, he texted we could dance when we went to the party this Friday; I let him know I would love to do that! I have been a dancer for 15 years and he knows that so it was like "Huh?" in the break room.
Just dropping in to say hi. I hope everyone is in good health and good spirits. I am doing okay. Too busy for my own good but hanging in there.
No developments with Libra. Only texted him with his b-day wishing him the best.
Ahh Scorpio started so in my calender it's b-days straight down to the 1st of December.
For anyone up here that does the Karma Coins hunt...one started today up to the 31st. Happy hunting.
Flow - HEY !!! All is going here...
Lua - I think you were wise to stay aloof. he needs to make up his mind. One way or antoher, just make a decision !!
Kel- 1st of all...LOL !! Of course we all do that, it is just some of us are right and others...well.... jk
Ok....I really did understand your explanation. I can see J doing the exact same thing, yet now the only way i can describe it, is like this. I can feel him holding back. Sometimes, he doesn't, but it is very rarely that he doesn't. And I want to know how to break through to him. I do not like holding back, however, I do with him. I think out of respect, perhaps maybe fear of rejection. Big hang up of mine that I am working on, especially since I am now in contact with bio dad.
But, I really do feel it is more out of respect, yet I am very honest with him.
I approach him logically, since that is my preferred method in everything I do. yet I do allow my emotions to come in where they belong. Does that makes sense ? Like if I am mad, he knows I am mad. If I happy, etc....
He knows I am very content with him. Actually he knows that I am happier with him than anyone I have ever been with and he knows that I am in love with him, even though I have not "TOLD" him. he knows and he is right. The only reason I can think of as to why I have not told him, is bc I have rushed into love before and it was a disaster......and I do NOT want to make that mistake again.
Our last time together was short, we have texted everyday except one. Today I threw him for a loop, will explain later.
So, our last physical one on one time together...I was rubbing his back. He really enjoys that. Our conversation was light and funny. We were both peaceful.....so I pull him backwards...he easily leans into me and I ask...can I start kissing your neck ?? He says sure..if you want to..So I do..and well....I was kissing his neck...it was very, very sensual, he shudders...then pulls forward and says ok....stop..?I laughed and was like...too much for ya ?? wink...bc it was almost time for both of us to go. So...can I have some insight here ?? I want to believe that the only reason he pulled away b it was almost time to go, but, to be honest I am not sure.
Then today at work, I was really tired. I mean wiped out. And we texted back and forth, nothing heavy, very light and time gaps on both of our parts. before we left, I texted him, I cannot hang out with you after work...I have to pick up my daughter. he was like Ya right..I said I do..he was like uh-huh..I ended it with ok......he was waiting for me, but I could not get away. I gve him a look, bc he wa watching me, then he was gone when I got back. No text, no call, no anything.
I always make time for him, but today I just couldn't. I wanted to, but it just was not possible and I think he was hurt.
Thoughts Kel ???
Let me say, I think I need to tell him how I am feeling. I think that might be part of our stumbling bloack, but I am scared.
So I came across this post on a different forum, it might help you:
"Cancers are more selfish in the beginning stages because they are too busy thinking about and protecting their own feelings that they can forget about how the other is feeling. If you show/tell her how her actions effect you, then her kind nature may kick in and make her more considerate to your feelings. She'll ease up on the self protection and start protecting you."
Just substitue her for him lol
Let me think on your post Taurus7 and I'll respond more, exhausted right now, long busy days
Anybody watch that show Chuck?
The character "Awesome" (Ryan McPartlin) is a Cancer....mmmmm lol
whoops didnt upload...
I almost broke off my engagement yesterday evening. I met up with him in the breakroom, and he was sitting with the co-worker at the table. Both of them looked pretty intense. I gave him a big hug as he greeted me, and sat down politely behind them as they read and talked. He offered me one of the cookies they were eating, so I did that. Suddenly, she turned to face me, a nd her expression puzzled me. It looked downright hostile and 'territorial' of her space with him.
She went back to her reading. Then she did this again. I 'lost it' right there, and quietly put my ring down in front of him, saying "I can't take it anymore!!" I walked out so fast I didn't notice either of them after that. I walked to the nearest bus stop and sat there for awhile. Then I realized I needed my stuff from his room (bag and cellphone) so I walked over to his place.
I entered his room quietly, and he was sitting in front of his altar, chanting. My ring was up there in front of the altar. I said "I know I can't turn back time, and I'm sorry...I understand if you don't want to see me anymore". He just said "Well, I've been hurt before" like it was a matter of fact, and looked at me sadly as he turned to me. He continued "We' d better get our stuff outside now because I have to get up at 4 am (for work) tomorrow". As we sat outside with our camping things, he said "I'm not mad at you because I know you've been hurt..." He knew I had been hurt in the past like this, as well as in efforts to get along with female acquaintances, despite beingignored or rejected when I tried to make friendship gestures. When we finally went to sleep, he wanted me to hold him so I did, tightly and as long as he needed that.
I get the impression this co-worker may have complicated "daddy issues" because most of the young women he befriends have that, and he seems to be like a 'stand-in' for that. At least I hope that's all it is!!
I'm still very confused as to how he thinks its ok for him to do these things even when he knows it hurts you, its very selfish
He shouldn't be leading these women on to the point where they get territorial
I dont know why he can't say to you directly, I miss you i want to come and see you
It's probably because you haven't had enough face time to really establish that deep bond and trust, but also if he admits to himself that he misses you, he'll drive himself crazy because there's nothing he can really do about it because you two live so far apart
There's no substitute for that physical closeness
He probably just pulled away during the necking because he didn't want to get too into it only to have to leave, it would be like one big giant tease lol
There could also be other reasons but they would probably relate to not having enough time to do anything fully. For instance, maybe his mind was thinking about his next task (whereever he was going) and couldn't focus on what was going on and felt guilty, just silly things like that, I wouldn't worry too much about him making you stop
Then about you having to pick up your daughter. He probably felt that he went out on a limb and took some initiative to meet you but then you didn't have time to see him, so he probably felt a little rejected and pulled into his shell to heal his wounds
He's a big boy, let him deal with it. He has to understand that sometimes life gets in the way, he has to be mature enough to let you take care of your life every once ina a while and not make you feel guilty about it
What gets me is that it can be obvious we are together, and then it's like these women are going through some sort of "I don't want to believe that's true!" thing with him. He just feels sorry for whatever mood they are in, and then they feel 'encouraged' by that. I guess maybe it's like when people fool around with other people in marriages, and they sort of hope for a 'special moment' in their head. What also gets me is that whatever frustration these ladies feel, it gets directed towards me. Maybe trying to be nice towards them feels like 'rubbing it in' to them...I wish he would just be more emphatic about friendship boundaries with them. Only once can I recall when a woman fell for him (and she had a boyfriend and five kids!!); he came to me asking how to tell her he was already in a relationship with me. Like it was 'hard' to tell truth and she needed to hear something different to keep her as a friend!! <lol>...weird, but I just let him know he could mention it as casually as the weather or some other neutral detail, and if she couldn't accept the three of as friends, well it was her problem. That gave me some hope--but sure enough, she couldn't accept me in the flesh when I met her, and that was the end of the "friendship"!</lol>
Part of me misses being single
part of me misses being able to use sex to communicate with people, being able tot alk about sex....when i had s*ex with someone, i usually woudl feel very comfortable around them, i felt like i knew them
But now I have to be careful what I say to people, i dont want to hurt Aries feelings so Im very careful not to look like i'm coming off as flirting or looking for anything more, I'm being forced to communicate in just a strickly platonic way with no agendas, its very unusual for me
I now have to VERBALIZE things instead of expressing things in terms of sex or sex talk; i ask people how their weekends were, even when i dont care. but rather feel a need for creating an overall positive atmosphere whereever i go by taking interest in others, aries has had a profound impact on my life in such a short time
but then that's where scorp came in, we had this connection...we never had too much conversation, but the silence was never awkward. we communicated on a non-vocal level, we would show things through touch and s*ex. and it was a connection unlike anything ive experienced
i have a stronger connection with aries, but its different. scorp's was like finally someone who understood my soul, aries is someone who inspires me to be a better person...which one is better?
although i think deep down, when i get like this, when i start to question everything that's going well for me, its because i feel so vulnerable. i feel vulnerable because i realize how much i miss aries, i miss him everytime he leaves the room. i just HATE to show it, hate to expose my soft interior and would rather deflect by being dumb and questioning my relationship or saying sideshoot comments to aries like "omg there were so many attractive men at th egym today" so he cant see how vulnerable i really am
can anyone relate?
having a very moody day today
It sounds like you have a deeper approach to relating then most people are used to. There is something wonderful about that, even if others don't get it. It's just a matter of respecting that and letting others know how you communicate best. It's still communication; anybody who would expect different from you is not only disrespecting you but being insensitive and self-absorbed. You deserve better than that; hang in there!!
kel - thank you for your insight.
As far as your situation. i can understand. I am so terrified of being rejected. There's so many things I want to say to J, but I just can't. Not yet, hopefully one day.....
I get what you mean about communicating through sex. yet think about this, you are still not saying the words that have the potential to be rejected. Sex is wonderful, I am in full favor of it, but a sexual connection is truly different than a heart, mind and soul connection.
Think about it like this, if you knew that you could allow your heart to fully open up, just think how amazing it would be with aries then ?? remember when I told you about J taking me apart piece by piece then putting me back together ?/ Well..you need to do that with Aries....
I wish I could scream at Josh PLEASE< PLEASE< PLEASE let go for once in your life. I won't hurt you !! At least not on purpose and if I do, then we can talk about it !! I wish he would relax just a little bit more....let me in his mind just a little bit more...but maybe one day.
But kel - one thing I can tell you is, that if you do end up getting hurt, and least you've dared to love and let go.
Going back to your Scorp...but I thnk that both parties are at fault though at least a bit, I think your Scorp as well as these girls are at fault. Its possible that your Scorp could befriend these girls without making them get possessive, I'll admit, that there's some crazy chicks out there, but it sounds like this happens a little too often...have to asked him to try to be more aware of what he says and does towards these girls? Thanks for what you said to me
I have let go completely but I get scared sometimes and then hold back lol So its back and forth back and forth....kind of like the hokey-pokey...you put your left foot in you put your left foot out...lol
Slow and steady is always a good thing with us crabs
kel - UGH !! lol I so know the crab hokey pokey !! I know you have let go...but let go and let live darlin !!! You and aries so deserve it !! And I want to come to the wedding !! I do !! See J knows he can let go, but he is holding back. I know that. I can even understand it. But why waste time ?? Carpe diem my crabby friends !! Carpe diem !!
Here is the crab hokey pokey song
You put your left pincher in
you put your left pincher out
and you shake whoever you've grabbed inside and out !!
LOL !! You do realize that right ?? You do grab us !! And, so many of us loved being crabbed...the shaken part...meh not so much....stirred nut not shaken !! lol You have to forgive me, when I am at my wits end..humor overtakes me.....
I can tell you this tho...sometimes I wanna shake J and say good god man !! Trust in me and us.....I swear, I will never eat crab legs again and I will NOT crack you open bc I love you EXACTLY the way you are !!
Kel - why is it so hard for you crabs to see that ? Really ?
i told J....oh..now that you have hooked me..the full disclosure comes out......UGH !