ASCLAC part 4
nice mellow day...funny it has more to do with being alone and unscheduled (well the fact that i have till monday for tedious stuff!!) than anything else. sad though when i think of how easily i entered into a relationship with so much baggage on his part. and so much shifting around of blame that sounded bizarre. i guess what happens when someone new is unhappy is what love is about, at least at first. then later, an effort to help them find a way to heal themselves--that's rejected, and for reasons even they don't know. i just know i was happy and healthy before it even happened. he claims i was the one who 'started' it by responding in a friendly way...heck, i was just being my usual open self. on the first "date", he wanted an illustration for a book he was working on, and i said "No" because i usually don't do that stuff (i dislike commissioned work). I let him know right away i already had a boyfriend. and being honest about problems in that relationship wasn't an invitation to start something with me, either. sympathy led to his touching and i reacted emotionally--whose "fault" was that? personal comments about my appearance designed to 'help' me (i didn't share those opinions myself) didn't make me 'love' him either, and i made that clear. so what the heck happened when he wanted me to be his girlfriend after i said i didn't just sleep with guys without a relationship commitment? he 'changes' all right, but i've noticed it involves an agenda. and yet he's claimed he doesn't have one. especially when i ask a question and he says " i don't know". is that the agenda?
mundane things...and of all things, part of a reason to stay where i am. it was hard not to want to chuck it all on the networking site when i noticed him and a friend part of the whole outing arrangement online at the time. i'd privately hoped i wouldn't have to deal with this situation at all, given that i would have two potential problematic scenarios to worry about if it came through. frustration in general led me to leave a fairly neutral message about not being able to come out, and i got offline after that. well, at least i had a good reason to stay here--i couldn't find two necessary forms i needed to send out. but it also bothered me i couldn't just deal with what was up and coming relationship-wise. even i know there have been times when it was somewhat manageable, as long as my concerns were answered honestly, and with awareness that all wasn't "ideal" just because he wanted it to be or seem that way...
so after texting last night about the practical reasons i needed to be here (or at least potentially stuck here!) i called him up to ask how i could handle the 'lost forms' situation as he had a similar situation where he was. he wound up offering to print out a form for that and giving me enough info to know what was going to happen with the outing. so while his friend wanted to join us, it wasn't certain our mutual friend could...and boy, she was asking everybody on her wall to 'rescue' her, and i knew that was his particular weakness. i'm don't like the idea of being a "damsel in distress" myself, as i didn't get where i am by being that way--with a medical condition where i could have easily used that, to me it just felt humiliating and outrageous to be expected to be needy that way. in her situation, it was just temporary, but all he needed was an excuse to be a "knight in shining armor" which needy women fall for all the time with him.
when i met him, i wasn't 'needy'; he acted like i 'should' be because of my medical condition but to me it seemed undignified and i'd let him know that.
breakthrough!! while hearing plans and directions to get the number of our mutual friend for this outing, i thought to honor my uneasiness in just being told what to do in general by texting him what he believed as far as the philosophy of one of his favorite theorists about relationshiops. he said "i don't know, but i am willing to be monogamous if you need it". nice, but sort of contradictory--i didn't need blame if things didn't turn out, and i needed him to want what i wanted, not 'sacrifice' for it--a specialty for him. well, we got together after not even getting the outing together after all, and i let him know all i'd felt since we met, what affected and impressed me about him and his approach not being exactly what he wanted to hear--but today he admitted "that was all my stuff!" that was saying a lot since he tends to look outside of himself for responsibility in this relationship with me. i was also able to emphasis what worked for me if he wanted to have an ongoing relationship with 'earned trust' as even our mutual friend said she respected in her own past relationship. i was able to exchange e-mail messages from me to her, her to me, and of course, from her to him, and he to her (although at first it was 'it just evaporated'...well, outside i told him that just set my imagination wild and didn't help in preventing me from leaving (his complaint when i was upset) him...so after that, he made an honest effort not only to tell me what was in there--and it was up there, indeed. if this keeps up, we may finally have a relationship based on mutual honesty, not just assumptions and ideals. whew!!
today i will meet up with him at 7:45pm--at first, he said 7:15pm but with any luck that was just an oversight. it bothers me that often what he doesn't like--my need to know--he does himself. i can't even leave without giving him a full explanation of why and when (or if) i return.
well, i can always swing by at 7:30pm, since i usually wait for him 15 min before his shift ends.
i've had to make it clear to him i can't continue a relationship on blind faith. "Trust me!" well, he sure didn't start this relationship he claimed i'd 'started' (" because i was attractive to you.." ugh)
with trust...maybe because he couldn't trust himself. as with all relationships, there's something worth being in to even start one. i feel sad when i think of all the talk that happened so freely before now. but he didn't seem to like it at some point...like it wasn't attractive for a female to talk so much, so freely. guess he needed some sort of 'tension' , but i'm not really into that game. it's such a mixed bag--both Aquarius (me) and Scorpio (him) have their intriguing aspects. it can be rough.
it's back to talk, it seems. last night, he told me we were connected in that we were both really sensitive and ahead of our time. well, it was nice to be reminded he wasn't looking for that connection in someone else. i'd rather hear it upfront even if it hurt than to spend more time and energy wondering what we had, period. i let him know i valued that we were still able to talk about deeper things in life--i certainly am not willing to hang around a shallow playboy, that's for sure. it makes me wonder how many men have been poisoned with the notion that's how to 'get ' any woman interested in them. i'd just get bored with a guy i couldn't talk to, but maybe that's an air sign trait. i'd rather be alone than be with someone i couldn't talk to, and openly too!! ugh.
he got an e-mail from the former flame, but i was able to ignore it. she was like a "triple threat" last year, with the whole shebang going--and all over the place about it. i guess he needed to be 'the man' with all the attention she got on her wall. i was surprised she actually had similar interests, but why wouldn't that be a reason to exchange messages? it was just her unexpected message to me that threw me off--and i've noticed that when i have something intelligent to say, she stops messaging me. (at one time he mentioned something she said that sounded uncannily similar to mine; that was one of the alarm bells that set off when she did an artpiece similar to mine on her wall last year --"my very first time!" --to her adoring fans, and that piece bore a striking resemblance to the art i naively had shared with her, in an effort to genuinely friend her on the networking site we are all on. i have my reasons to be wary of her as a person, period.) anyway, i figured she just might be curious how the outing to a religious meeting went for us and our mutual friend (this being her reason for contacting me) since our friend had an accident. well, nothing happened there, and nothing happened otherwise, so that's probably all he'd have to say to her in response.
as for our mutual friend, i haven't heard anything from her to me except that she is letting her son 'rescue' her for now in her condition. and in another city. she was surprised i hadn't gotten the address to her place from my fiance, and was glad we wanted to visit her, period. i let her know i got the number she messaged to me, asked for her address (now there is a person with no interest in 'co opting' my art, period!!) and shared real chat with...i'd love to think she is nothing to be concerned about. at this point, i would have been concerned about him...now, it's hard to tell but i'm not worried in particular since he has been so affectionate and attentive (and admiring) with me...it certainly makes the difference.
i got an e-mail from a dear friend that helped, too. she thought my fiance was not up to his part in doing the hard work and being more decisive about that. as i read it, i thought :"Yes, and no wonder she is my good friend"--glad i wrote to her about my situation.
today this morning felt kind of iffy...of all things, he leaned over in bed to me and said "i love you"...those words don't come off his tongue unless he wants them to and then, i don't know why except for experiences that are either desperate (he is afraid of losing me) or spontaneous, as in 'i am getting what i need right now'!! maybe that's what makes it hard to know where he is coming from. it's gotten to where i avoid saying much when i feel anything, like just holding him to show him my feelings (that used to be dismissed early on as 'not really knowing me enough to say that') or just avoiding saying the words back (though i guess i could bring up what he's said to discourage me from expressing that in return, too). anyway, last night he came over to where i was after working on the computer, and just put his head in my lap to hold. it's somewhat of a weird feeling, since i know he was emotionally estranged from his mother who he often resented for even wanting to love him when younger...and i am not his mother, just me!! but i held his head in silence until he fell asleep...and then awoke to that "i love you..." He had also asked how i felt and i said "ok" twice...even that small word had gotten to be "code" for 'not all that great...'
that's why it feels like a breakthrough when he actually is able to get specific about where he is coming from on certain topics.
this morning before leaving for work, he wanted us to get together with an old male friend to show he was sorry for plans on that big outing which included our mutual friend--in the city tonight. i told him the little things he felt were why could have happened to anybody--he lost his wallet, etc. and that led to obstacles along the way. well, at least he is trying to connect with his old male friend from college--he rarely makes friendship efforts with other men, period. that shows me he is capable of doing that, and not having an (invested agenda?) double standard attitude towards male and female friends...
p.s. he also said if changes were to happen it was important to not let his "gremlins" (emotional blockages) get in the way of that. somehow, that gives me hope...if he applies to our relationship future as well.
interesting day yesterday...i thought of what i myself had given up in the course of being told what was going to be 'given up' that hadn't changed...and realized that perhaps one of the things that didn't help was hearing so much about his declining health (and the usual dramatic 'death wish' talk to avoid taking care of his own health at all)--i thought "i need to tell him i no longer want to be at risk with this secondhand smoke, even if i respect his right to smoke, and have taken responsibility for this situation by doing everything i could to prevent getting his disease..." so a brief, but thoughtful conversation about what i was still doing to be proactive while letting him know how it affected things resulted in surprising cooperation and lack of blaming or self-pity on his part.
last night was even more 'interesting' --for all his talk about lack of performance ability, he came...and i didn't even do much more than i usually did to bring that about. nice!! i was happy for him, and hoped he realized it was indeed frustrating for me at times to be expected to just tolerate little return in that area. not that i'm complaining--i can empathize with his concerns, as it wasn't exactly easy for me to make myself vulnerable after "first times" that might as well have been "no times" with past exes bragging until it 'got down to doing it' and was all hot air to impress me...back then, cuddling would have impressed me more. i appreciated my fiance's desire to do just that when we couldn't do more. certainly less intimidating for me if i wanted a fresh chance to just do what came naturally without those past braggadocios..
he told me he wanted to go back to sleep 'for half the day' when we awoke from camping out, so that surprised me--it was his day off, and usually that's when we take the time to do things together. Half the day? Just yesterday, he was gung-ho about plans to meet up with his old friend, including me, for the day...and now this after nothing happening.
well, i guess i can check in via text, since i wasn't given a specific time, and my bags are still outside--it only makes sense if he hadn't bothered to take them inside. and besides, he promised he'd let me know if i could come inside today as well, since it's his landlord's house and he claimed (just before we went to sleep) that he didn't want me to feel neglected outside.
i'm glad i started this talk, as frustrating as it's seemed, so far. after all, i don't want to invest any more needless time and energy in a delusive relationship with a martyred aspect on either side--just straight talk and follow-up action as far as real intentions for it to be happening and continuing at all in the first place. i experienced a moment that at least spelled it out for my in specific words from him : "I am choosing to be monogamous with you". so there went the excuse to take up yet more of my valuable time and energy in a vaguely defined relationship with me. as for long-tem loyalty, using examples of relationships i at least noted he practices unhesitatingly was wise--he gave me an enthusiastic "That's for sure!!" in response. but if he can stick with people through thick and thin despite differing opinions and wants, and respect their right to be themselves while encouraging them to consider his opinions and wants, why not us? responsibility is also an area that needed to be addressed too...i simply used his ideals to apply them elsewhere, since he claims he doesn't believe in double standards. he showed me he cared yesterday by refusing to hug or 'hands-on' a female friend in need of migraine help, and let me know she was too out of it to understand otherwise, which showed me he could reflect on that possibility. i let him know i'd briefly understand the gesture if we all knew each other well enough not to have more happen. he also told me voluntarily about an interaction between the old flame in political activism emails to let me know there wasn't anything else happening, and even his disagreements with her opinions in an area i know means a lot to him. i simply nodded quietly as he talked, and added a neutral reassurement about his efforts to dialogue about that with her. so far, so good.
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