Venting......... I am so lost in my life!!



  • I am so upset with my self my life my everything.........I feel so alone I sit and cry over everything lately.. I am angry very very angry and its not because im some dumb women its because of what I have done and who I have becoem that scares me I used to have free will be happy and nothing bothered me I have been married now for only two years been with my husband just about 5 and never thought I would be in the position I have put myself in. Deciet, Lies and heartache and Its killing me he doesnt care as much anymore about anything he avoids answers he dont talk to me like im something then I get angry and yell and then it just gets worse He has a baby on the way due in jan if it is his and I cannot deal with the hurt im faced with......... I cheated in jan on him first time i ever cheated in my whole life i lost it and i did it he was not in southdakota with me and I just did it and regreted every minute of it and then told him and as we found ourselfs back here he cheated and wouldnt stop we were seperated for a good 5 months and he swore he would quit well little did I know now there is a baby on the way which I honestly dont think it is his but who knows? Im so hurt because I want another baby more then anything in this world how is it fair this stupid 22 year old female can have my husbands baby but I cant? Im old im 30 now I have a whole life ahead of me and figured if I dont get pregnant this year I dont want anymore kids. The only thing is my life has been great for the last 4 months Im back with my husband and we have a new house and he is finally working and things are good except communiction between us and I hate it I feel so alone he complains he is the only one working and why do I sit on my fat ass all day doing nothing what he dont realize is im a mom and I do want to work but the kids are hard work to........ Why do I hurt so much and why am I so scared? I know some of the reasons are from being alone my whole life no family barely any friends and a single mom..... I want happiness again fullfillment and a life back of joy especially for my kids.......... I need somone maybe a friend to understand me my best friend decided not to be my best friend anymore and she was my everything we were like inseperable god do I miss her so much......... ok so Im done venting for now.............. breath jen you will be ok.................



  • Jenna, I empathize with you. I understand your pain and turmoil. I am going through something similar and I know how hard it is. (breathing helps, yes :)) I am yet to find my answers and deal with the self-inflicted pain but I know one thing, the key lies with you, within your own heart and soul. I am no psychic, I am just reaching out to someone whose pain I understand being in the same situation. The first thing to do would be yes, like watergirl18 says, CHIN UP! There is no place for pity or lament when everything around you seems like it is breaking down. It is time to take a reality check, look deep within and accept everything you see, the good, bad and ugly. The next thing, which naturally follows, is to work on the bad and ugly. And believe me, once you really face it and accept it, the strength to work on it and the answers will come from you yourself...this I tell you from experience and whatever I have seen and understand of the the world till now. I have a long long way to go to really understand it but hey! I am 30 too! 🙂 and its true, its hardly 'old'! Smile 🙂

    Hugs.



  • Jenna29,

    I have read many of your other postings,I can feel how much pain you are in emotionally, I am so sorry for that. First of all, think about the reason you want another baby, is it because he might be having one with the other woman? If your husband thinks you do nothing all day, then on his day off, how about suggesting that the two of you switch jobs for the day,maybe he will have a better understanding about what it is like to be a mom, it worked for me.

    You are still young, please don't give yourself a time limit for having a baby. Also, you have only been married a short time, there is so much you need to learn about each other. From all that I have read from your postings, what I am seeing is a young woman who needs to find herself. You need to be independent and stand up for yourself. Possibly your husbands behavior towards you is because he feels guilty because he mat have impregnated another woman. He is taking that guilt out on you. I know what it is like to want to give your husband a child, so I understand your situation.

    You are still in the process of finding yourself, with age comes wisdom and understanding. I have been married for 25 years and have been through a lot over the years.

    My advice to you is to slow down and take a look at what is important in your life right now, like your children, they need you. Have another baby for the right reason, no card reader can tell you when you will have another child. First and foremost take care of yourself.

    Brighest Blessings,Kath



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  • Jenna29,

    Communication between partners is something that needs to be worked on together. It won't happen overnight, with time and patience it will happen. I hope he is not a pisces, they can be tough to crack, mine is one, I know first hand. If I may ask, what sign are you and your husband, just curious?

    Kath



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  • I can give it a try on that If u want~



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  • Hi jenna29, as early u mention that u might be dealing whether the other women is pregnant with ur husband and u are very unsure.. I believe this is the issue and a very tricky one u have to deal with and it seems that things doesn't get anyway if u ask me.. I know it doesn't concern regardless of having any children in future.. But think again, without a happy family and considering the fact that u both doesn't have much communication that will be difficult for u to get another babies.. As earlier I believe that this man of urs have totally change.. Which u may see through it and u are trying to recover from the hurt u have been getting.. Still the major problems is still not solve and there u have a hard time trying to cope.. Like u say fear that u couldn't pregnant again and the care that u would lose from ur husband as empress came out in wat u fear.. In this current situation I would say u partly lose hope in everything..from wat I see in the near future ur family bonding might not be that strong again and therefore I believe it is hard for u to give birth to another children again.. My advise is try to calm yourself down, if u want this family u don have a choice but to tolerate.. I ever had a friend who is also in a very worst situation, but she told me for the sake of children she has to tolerate.. And wat's more u musn't be stubborn.. I hope this helps .. =}



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  • Hi Jenna, first let me say i am sorry for your pain...I have to agree with water girl..

    I have been following your posts for quite sometime, you seem to be going from reader to reader to get your questions answered...Don't get me wrong sweetie but you need to take some time and read all the posts, from the readers seer's and support that has been given to you with love...Try and focus and determine where all this is coming from...like watergirl suggested.

    You nee to be open and honest with your partner first...All any of us can do is to be a support for you...

    Again Jenna i am honestly sorry for what you are going through...

    Take some time, Jenna, the answers you seek are within yourself that I can promise you.

    Peace,light and Love

    Sheila



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  • jenna29

    most of your pain is within yourself to change. Spirit says PERSPECTIVE is your lifeline. You have axieties that must be released---energy builds and turns on itself--very painful state you really work your fearful thoughts--all emtion. You must find balance. And you must find an outlet for your "pain baggage" You have anger issues from childhood that manifest into either depression or outward into relationships and situations--when we have pain baggage we attract situations and people who give us an outlet for that energy. Your craving a baby is you craving the love and nurturing you as an adult child still miss---you want to love yourself through something else or someone else but it will always feel out of your grasp. That's a very lonely place!. Self love is a long road but a worthy effort. Counseling would help speed that along---connect to positive groups of people who can help nurture you and distract you from your habit to go internal with your fears---you isolate yourself too much during fearful times. This ls a crossroas to a more peaceful place. Be kind to yourself--and BREATH more. Just sitting silently and breathing in deaply for 15 minutes everyday would increase your energy level. You exhaust yourself at times with emotion. Spirit says mind body spirit is your goal. Blessings.



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  • You sound better today Jenna, Healing and Love will come in when you allow it..Your love for your daughter shines bright as the stars..She is lucky to have you.

    Take care

    Peace,Light an Love Jenna

    Sheila



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