Need guidance, don't know where to look...

  • I know, what I am saying almost means 'let it deteriorate enough for us to say enough'. I am also doing this to stave off decision and pain...

    But in the current state of blindness I am in, breaking off seems like the most negative, wrong and destructive thing to me...

  • Saggigirl--

    "What were all those years for'...? Your growth. No birthing without pain. No growth without pruning. Fear will keep you clinging to the edge, but the Universe will force change if you are reluctant to accept it. That is so much more painful! Perhaps one of the most difficult things is letting go of the person that you were. Maybe clinging to the relationship allows you to maintain the illusion? But this is limbo. No one can live there. No one can live in-between. Prayers...

  • If you cannot love yourself, then you cannot give love to anyone else or find it in anyone else.

  • Archersbow - Thank you for reaching out. I do need it...

    All those years, for my growth yes, I agree, I know how far I have come...but what about him? What will he be left with? Disgust and painful memories? All his hopes, dreams and faith shattered? His whole life revolves around me...that's how he is. I can never leave him.

    And its not only him, his little sister, who sees me as the only anchor she has ever had...and its us, my husband and I that give her the only sense of foundation and family...I cannot ruin her life to learn my lessons. Our parents, friends depend on us as a unit...they draw strength from us...I cannot let everyone down because I need to 'get on' with me life. Yes, I should have thought about all this before I did whatever I did...but as they say better late than never...I am trying to become a better person.

    Captain, like I said, I cannot love myself again until I ease his pain...

  • If you have become a crutch to all these people, then you are hurting them all by not allowing them to find their own strength and get to their own feet. Otherwise they will remain emotional cripples. And do you think it's a good thing that your husband's life revolves entirely around you? Don't you ever want him to have anything else in his life but you? Can't you see how destructive this relationship is for both of you? It's all about dependency, not love.

    You need to ease away gently, not just letting them suddenly drop, but slowly helping them to find their feet bit by bit.

  • No, I am not a crutch to any of them, I never give that much of myself to anyone ever. But, to my sis-in-law I am the core support and the unit we make is her core support system. I m doing my best to be there for her yet make her independent enough to not need me the way she does, for her own sake.

    My husband is an emotionally dependent person. And the relationship we have had has made us indelibly connected to each other. He is the kind of person whose life revolves around emotions, love, relationships. He does not need the other things in life, the other experiences as I crave but needs to have his foundation of love and relationships strong and secure. Which I have shaken up to the point of breaking. I will not leave him floundering for a sense of sanity.

    Yet, I am failing in trying to change myself...its like some strong current is pulling me somewhere else inadvertently or its just that block at my core.

    Captain, please do not feel obligated to help because I have specifically requested you to...I cannot see the value and worth of what you are trying to show me...maybe I am being extremely blind, but in this blindness I don't want to hurt you as well by being unaccepting. Maybe THIS is my journey and the mist will clear on its own someday. I will continue thrashing for it though.

  • Maybe your greatest weakness is your need to be needed. It ties you to people who should be standing on their own.

  • I don't know if its tying me to him but I agree I have a need to be stems from insecurity and not being in touch with my is going now though...interestingly I have been repelled by anything/anyone who 'needed' me...I felt it was a huge sacrifice on my part and pressure on my time...Basically I never liked people depending on me or demand that I be there for them whenever. I am beginning to change that aspect about me. I feel if your loved ones need you you can't say I will help you on my time or when I am ready to give. You have to give when the other person needs it...what else is the meaning of standing by those who love you...

    As for my husband, emotionally or otherwise I don't have a need for his support. Neither does being there for him fulfills me in a regular way. He does not accept my being there, nothing I am doing is getting through to him, he is that hurt and has shut me out. But I know he is drawing strength from me, he always has, even when I felt I was depending on him. And I cannot disregard his need for mine, even if it drains me. I have always always lived only for myself, for my own dreams, to make my own life, discover my own philosophies, my own needs...I have never promised more than I wanted to deliver. But it needs to change if his hurt has to heal...

  • Parden my interruption here, but I cannot keep silent. Some very gifted people here have tried desperately to help you, but you have absolutely refused to listen because it is not what you want to hear. You have your mind set in one direction only, which is your biggest problem. You ask for help and guidance and then totally refuse to hear/see it, wave it away, because you have already made up your mind what it is that you want to do. For one thing, the hurt and pain you inflicted on your husband cannot and should not be "healed" by you. You can't heal him...he is the only one that can do that. If someone hurt you as badly as you say you have hurt him, would you be able to take that outstretched hand from the very offender and trust that they will "fix" what they did wrong?? I wouldn't...actually it would make me wonder what their true motives were. If you stay simply to ease the pain you first inflicted, then you are only prolonging his misery and trying to make yourself acceptable to yourself...."I broke it, yes, but then I fixed it, so now it is okay that I did what I did in the first place." He does not trust you any more and by all accounts, he shouldn't. You did it...YOU cannot fix it....he has to fix himself...not you. By staying, you are only hurting him more. Is that what you want? To keep ON hurting him?? It seems like you are actually enjoying the pain you have caused and continue to cause. These feelings you have of being pulled in a different direction are there for a reason....follow them. If you love him as you say you do, stop the pain...move on. He was okay with himself and his life before you came into it...he will be okay without you. Let it go. You are not the center of his universe, even as much as you seem to think you are, he is.

    sorry for the intrusion here, but I just had to say that.

  • Yes OrionStar, I too am a bit confused.

    Saggigirl, you have asked for help but you cling determindedly to your current course of staying with your husband. I am not sure what else we can do for you if you have made up your mind.

    You seem to be asking for help to remain with your husband, even though inside you are screaming to leave him to be with other people. Your guilty conscience is forcing you to stay to take your deserved 'punishment' and to pay off the love 'debt', but that hardly seems a fair arrangement for your husband, who deserves real love, not pity or guilt or penance.

    I agree that it will be hard for him to heal while you are there as a constant reminder of the infidelity. Especially if he senses that you are forcing yourself to stay.

  • Astute, Captain...

  • Thank you OrionStar. This conversation is on an open forum for a reason and you are only helping me with your response.

    We have been through each and every thing all of you have said. And we realise the inherent truth of the facts before us.

    Yet, neither of us want to separate.

    There is guilt, dependence, need, pain and hurt but there is love and friendship too. And above all else there is a willingness to take it forward. In both of us, in me to make a change and in him to give me that chance. And for me, there is nothing more constructive and positive to do than stick on and separate my issues of guilt from giving him and our relationship what it needs.

    Captain, I am sorry I cannot follow your advice but your words have brought me closer to reality and I am thankful, very grateful to you for investing so much of yourself in helping me. The option of leaving him is not acceptable to me and I realise that ultimately what is meant to be will be, irrespective of my pushing towards a particular conclusion. But for now this seems like the only road right for me to take.

    I sincerely thank you all to have tried your best to help me. Your wisdom has indeed served to bring a perspective. From here on, it is for me to take positive action. Thank you so much, really for reaching out.

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