Need guidance, don't know where to look...
Something deep down at the core of me is wrong...or I am not in touch with it...I NEED to set it right ASAP else I stand to lose everything that is meaningful and beautiful in my life...events of the past one year (mostly my own doing no one but me is responsible) have morphed me or brought to light a side of me, the knowledge of which leaves me shaken...my life and marriage is on the brink...yet I don't seem to accept it or create any constructive changes....either something inside is blocking it or I am in severe denial...my only hope, best friend and guiding angel, my husband has been affected too deeply by my actions and this is the time I need to be there for him rather than ask him to support or guide me...I want to get in touch with that core decay inside that refuses to be detected...I am an honest and optimistic, spiritual person, very emotional yet balanced and practical in my approach in most things in life. I am positive and energetic, quite the typical Sagittarian....yet these very attributes, that have led me to clear my path and head in the past seem useless now....I really do not know where to look for advice or whom to go to...I really do not know what I expect from this forum as well...I know I have not even bared my soul here nor detailed the exact issue...its way too personal and I am scared external (wrong) influences might waylay me and create a bigger distance between my husband and myself....however, I need to work on myself and seem to have come to a dead end...
Saggigirl, I feel you are afraid to look at the reasons why you did what you did because you fear it may end the life you have now. But unless you are honest about what you are going through, these issues will not be resolved and will cause you further damage and trouble.
Thank you Captain...but its not that I don't know I am not being honest with myself...this time round I just don't know how to....and the reasons I come up with are either too superficial or unreal...I keep see-sawing between either its who I am (which I cannot change and hence need to accept and make the best of it) or they are external trappings I have worn and need to shed....but I am unable to...I have never felt hit against a stone wall like this before in my life....
Am I complicating this?
That's what I mean - you would know the answer if you were not afraid to look closely at who you are and why you do and want what you do. You are afraid that it is coming from who you are and that that makes you a bad person. But it's not bad if that is who you really are inside. It just means you can't fulfill other people's expectations of you, nor should you have to. You should not be ashamed of wanting to be free to be yourself. No one should mould themselves to fit other people's needs, no matter how much we love them. You have to be yourself to be happy. What you did indicates you are not happy with your situation. It's a cry for change.
missdeliteful last edited by
Dear Captain, May I interrupt and ask you for a reading? My dob is 6/11/51 and I am taking a trip the 17th of September. Would you give me some insight please. Respectfully, MissD.
Thank you Captain....what you say is true... I am extremely scared that what I might see may cause the complete breakdown of my marriage...we are soulmates, yet all this happened...I fail to understand why...he is on the brink, I am on the brink, have almost lost him and if the cost of keeping him is changing myself I WANT to do that but I just don't know how to...what...? I am not exaggerating or being moony, we have been together for a decade now and there has been nothing more beautiful in our lives than each other and our relationship....yet we are here...I cannot bear the pain and torment he goes through and I can do nothing to help him. He despises me for what I have become or let myself become and refuses to help me...which is understandable...but I am losing time and he is losing hope...he says I am unwilling to change...that I don't have the capability to change what needs to be changed. He is wrong on both counts, but willingness is nothing if not reflected in action and that isn't there because I cannot see. I refuse to bank on my mechanisms of deductions because they have led me severely wrong in the past...I am desperate to make sense of this and I know only I can make or break it and that makes it more scary...
Captain, I need to know this, do you see a positive future? (Dob 02/12/79)
Missdeliteful, please start your own thread by clicking on the "create a new topic' button at the top right of this page.
missdeliteful last edited by
Ooops! So sorry!
Saggigirl, you make your own positive future - it doesn't happen by itself. I think you are at the point where hard decisions have to be made but you don't want to do it. Just because you and your husband may be soulmates doesn't mean you will stay together. Sometimes people grow apart and must continue on different paths, having different experiences. It may be that you and your husband have reached the end of your lessons together in this life. It may be time for each of you to find other 'teachers'. This should not be a time for mourning - life is all about changes and new experiences, not getting stuck in one place. If you do what needs to be done now, you may be able to stay friends with him, even if you part. If you leave it much longer, the situation will just deteriorate beyond saving. Your husband will either be able to forgive you or he won't. You must accept his decision and get on with your life, either with him or without him. It's time to face reality.
Your birthdate shows that your mission in this life is to learn about trust. You have a deeply sensitive nature and a pronounced fear of rejection. On the one hand, you have a great need to be accepted while, on the other, you may manifest a rational, independent, and rather stubborn side that will insist it doesn't need anyone. Yet at your core, you have a deep desire to show people who you really are and will work to manifest your wonderful originality and offbeat way of looking at the world. Gifted with an ardent nature, you are likely to succeed in that much, although you will have to overcome your rather poor ability to judge other people's characters. If you can develop greater discernment and express yourself only to those you can really trust, instead of "casting your pearls before swine" or acting out of neediness and vulnerability, you can develop your own self-acceptance and learn to appreciate your uniqueness. Applying some intuitive or practical wisdom to your life will reap great rewards.
Your biggest challenge is to stop feeling like a victim and to acknowledge your faults and the responsibility for your own situation. Self-protective in the extreme, you may have experienced the betrayal of your trust during your lifetime and now find it hard to trust anyone enough to reveal your true self. But in order to become a better judge of character, you must rebuild your trust in yourself to make the right decisions. Then you can evaluate others to know who to trust and why. You have tremendous kindness in you and probably care a lot about small children, the unfortunate, and animals. You probably aren't even aware of your inherent mysticism, psychic ability, and otherworldly qualities. You know you are different to others but it shouldn't disturb you. Your sensitivity to extrasensory impressions can sometimes overwhelm you and you may find it difficult to sort out what you are experiencing and sensing. You may even mistake other people's feelings for your own. You seldom show your tenderness of heart in order to protect it. You may retreat into social isolation or become aggressive, finding it difficult to truly connect with anyone. You yearn for touch and closeness yet find it hard to reach out to receive the physical nurturing and affection you crave.
As you go through life, you will learn how to relate in a more mature way to others, developing relationships based on mutual respect and trust rather than need or fear. You will learn how to ground yourself through physical activities like massage, yoga or sports - whatever can connect your spirit to your worldly shell. You must take care to foster relationships with strong, independent but kind souls like yourself rather than clingy or needy types. In short, you must develop the wisdom to observe people in different situations and learn how to test their integrity and trustworthiness. By cultivating your own wisdom, you will grow to trust yourself more and will be able to take more risks in revealing yourself to the world. The world has need of your sensitivity and caring.
Captain, thank you. Your insights are invaluable and your efforts at helping me is touching. I recognize everything you say. It is true and it brings me discontent and peace. Peace because most things you have outlined I have known to be true but believed them to be 'freakish' hence never accepted them. Especially my inherent contradictions. Discontent because I see in some parts what I have been doing wrong which I have never acknowledged till now. For eg, seeing myself as a victim, not assuming responsibility and being a poor judge of people's character. I can now see you are right about these and despite the discontent there is some kind of peace at finding an 'answer', a tangible aspect/defect I need to work on immediately...
Captain, I don't know if this is a done thing, but I want to take a leap of faith and confess to everything I have done wrong...I don't know if an open forum as this is the right place...but I do want to bare my soul to someone who is neutral and does not know me, yet can be objective and show me the way. Captain, can I do that with you?
Yes you can. I try not to judge people because I have made plenty of mistakes myself and have plenty of character flaws yet to be resolved. The important thing is not that we are flawed, but that we recognise our weaknesses and try to work through them.
Thank you Captain. I am not scared of being judged. An objective insight into myself is what I am looking at...as you rightly said, I do not show myself, who I am within to anyone and yes this is a trust issue. (This did not trouble me till now but seeing it as you put it, I see it is a point of concern) My husband has been the only single individual human being I have let in and he has nurtured me and cared for me like no one would ever do. It is not possible for anyone to love the way he loves me...and until now I thought the way I loved him...
We have been together since eleven years now, since Jan 2001. We got married in Nov 2008. Ours is an exceptionally unique, special and deeply fulfilling relationship. We are connected so deeply it is unimaginable to fathom the connection. Our relationship too, has developed on the lines deep friendship, trust and faith. A unique understanding and giving that was fostered and inspired by each other and what we had created. We were deliriously happy with each other, not knowing or wanting anything else when we were together...yet I cheated on him. Not once but many times. Before and after marriage...that connection, that wish and need to be together still remains...despite everything...that gives me faith but it makes me more desperate too...I don't want to lose what is remaining of it...
I have not had, what one would call a regular or even a happy childhood. My teens especially have been quite troubled. To outside eyes, it would not seem I was repressed in anyway, my parents having been quite liberal in their ways and love for me. However, I developed an intense need to break free from everything and 'find my feet/answers' in my own self-created environment...I followed that path too, living on my own, earning for myself, following my passions (writing and film-making) etc. But this need and a few more twisted thoughts on my part led me to devise my own philosophies of the world...'it works for me, to hell with if its right or wrong' became my anthem...I wouldn't say I was very much in touch with reality ever...I still ain't... I have made this parallel world in my head where anything that hurts is shut out and only the pleasant and happy things stay...that has completely blurred the sense of right and wrong for me, to the point that I cannot recognize myself anymore today. There is no enthusiasm, no positivity, no innocence, no individuality or ebullience that I thought was an inherent part of me. I have lost track of who I am or used to be or want to be...
I have become a slave to my habits and living on the pleasure-principle, intellecualising and justifying every principle of life. And no, please don't suggest therapy, I don't trust psychology or psychiatrists.
The first time I cheated on my husband I justified by saying its ok, these things happen. The second time it was some silly ‘coming-of-age’ theory. The third time I fell in ‘love’ with the man and decided I had to be with him, get him out of my system to do justice to my husband. The fourth time it was to find out why this keeps happening to me again and again and what lesson is life trying to teach me by throwing affairs my way constantly…the fifth time, well, by then I was convinced I was ‘different’ and ‘adultery’ was ok, what my husband didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him and I would have loved to share it with him just that he wouldn’t understand you know…this was the extent of my twisted and cheap thinking…I had never imagined in my wildest of dreams I would fall so low…and just for sensual pleasures…
I cannot forgive myself for the pain I have caused my husband by repeatedly making mistakes that can be easily termed as ‘crimes’ given how beautiful and fulfilling our relationship was…
Thoughts have led me to question the persistence of these affairs. Was it something lacking in our relationship? Apart from romance, well, we don’t have a regular girl-boy sexual chemistry, as neither of us are the typical examples of our gender, I cannot think of anything…yes, our relationship was very much geared towards being a parent-child one but that was no reason for me to take such extreme measures…because it wasn't perfect for him either, but he never even thought about it once...that surely points to something deep down that is wrong with me….
And it is something to do with my world-view…my twisted pov…the lessons I refuse to see and maxims I refuse to imbibe and live by…it is got lots to do with my laziness and blindness, my selfishness and self-fulfilling rationalizations…I cannot believe, in the guise of being the ‘independent’, woman who could perfectly take care of herself, I have turned into this non-entity I am now…
What do I feel I should do? I cannot come up with answers that are not superficial…my husband is craving for me to see where I am going wrong…I see some of what he tries to show me…but I cannot see the picture clearly...there is something stopping me and I don't know what...and he is in too much pain to want to guide me again…And I am scared if I depend on my mechanisms again, like I did last year, I will create yet another hell for everyone concerned…and twist things around so much, nothing will ever salvage it…
I thought it would, but it did not help confessing Captain…however, I am beginning to stop seeing myself as a victim…but the fear and horror of losing him prevents me from being sane more than that…
If you can help in anyway, I will be extremely grateful.
The first thing you must do is to stop torturing yourself by thinking you are twisted and wrong. You are judging yourself by society's ideals of right and wrong but, as you indeed felt, you must find your own individual beliefs and morals. Your husband is clinging to you, trying to make you stay when deep down he knows it is time for you both to part. He has served as the wise and kindly father figure/mentor for you that you needed in the past, but that role is not needed anymore. He was never your equal partner or lover, which is what you crave now.
Because you are an empath with strong psychic ability, you tend to absorb parts of other people's identity so that you never know where others end and your real self begins. For that, you need to be apart from people so that all you are 'picking up' is yourself. You musn't stay with your husband out of guilt or gratitude. That doesn't help him to move on, either, to find someone who will love him like a lover and not as a friend or father.
Nothing stays the same forever, despite the 'happily-ever-after' fantasy we are sold by religion and romance novelists. You don't need to lean on your husband anymore. Now you must find that equal partnership - which is what all your affairs have been about. However, it is not with other people that you must find equality and trust - it is yourself and your relationship to the real 'you' that you are seeking to rebuild.
What you are struggling with is just life. It's a school that we all graduate from after passing through many classes and teachers. It's not something to feel bad about, but to embrace. On a soul level, we all stay connected forever, even if we part physically. You feel fear at leaving your marriage but you are just someone who has matured enough not to need parental guidance anymore and can go out into the big wide scary world. If you and your husband stay together, neither of you will grow and the relationship will grow stale and deteriorate into nothing. All that love will be lost in recrimination and blame-laying, because you will continue to search for yourself in other people. time to get out while there's still a slim chance to stay friends. Or even if there's not.
See this all as simply what it is - growth and evolution. You are actually going the right way down your lifepath, not in the wrong direction. Your turmoil is just growing pains.
Captain, your words are insightful and invaluable to me. I identify with most of the things you say...thank you, I am really touched someone should take so much effort to help a random person. However, I am in too much pain right now to see or understand any of what you have said in its correct light...the thought of not being with my husband, the thought itself is too much to take...please give me some time to digest all of this and respond, I don't want to react or rant...
Captain, really thanks a lot.
All you really need to decide is why you two remain married - is it out of real love, guilt, gratitude, or dependency/need? Only the first reason is a good reason to stay.
Captain, am far saner now.
My husband is not really clinging to me, at least overtly...(but yes he is holding onto us as desperately as I am even though he says he isn't). As for me, my marriage and my relationship do not define me, but they are an important part of my life just because of all that it stands for, or rather stood for. And I truly believe there is still a lot of good things remaining in it for it to grow...So in a way, it is I who is clinging onto it more than him...
Is it because of guilt or dependency? No, Captain. It is neither. It is just the deeply felt connection that we feel even after all this, that still makes us belong to each other, that keeps us together. For my husband it could be dependency and emotional need, as like a typical Cancer his emotional needs are more pronounced and deeper than mine. For me, it is this need to heal him and undo the terrible pain I have put him through. In living 'my' life I had no right to take away another man's beliefs, hope and love, the very things his life were based on. Do not read this as a compensatory action. It is not an atonement either. It is a sort of trying to set right what I have done wrong. I feel like a criminal when I see what my actions have done to him. There was a lot of purity and innocence in our relationship, in our love which is lost now...they were his lifeline. It is not to assuage my guilt or feel good about myself. It is just to heal him who has been hurt so bad by actions. It is not just a sense of responsibility but ownership of guilt and willingness to set it right...if I talk more, I will start intellectualizing again.
I relate to every word you say Captain. I think in the same way as you put it...I understand and have been questioning his role in my life and have been worried (terrified) ever since, that a day will come when I will not 'need' him as a mentor/guide anymore. He was convinced that when that will happen, we will evolve into a more mature and equal relationship...but it was not to be...I developed in very different ways...he is a very evolved soul (for your insight and understanding, his dob 14/07/1979, I do not wish a reading)and he remains my touchstone even when all else fails...and it is instinct that keeps me with him, it is this gut feeling that we are meant to be together, we are meant to belong to each other.
I am not a romantic. Neither have I really hung onto thoughts of 'happily-ever-after'. Love and marriage have been of peripheral importance to me and I got married only because my husband was worth it. But in the bargain, I misjudged what it takes to live upto a commitment like that. I need to understand and accept that. To give back now as much as I have recieved. If I have to learn the lessons I do, I will learn them that way too. Maybe this, giving back, is the lesson I need to learn, who knows? For now, this seems the truest thing for me to do.
I have been pro-active in selective areas of my life, never taken a definitive action when it came to things that 'needed' to be done doing rather only what I 'wanted' to do...I have to unlearn that attitude because it was wrong for me. I was never satisfied with myself. In parts it was also a belief that life and nature should be allowed to take its course and humans are too controlling and demanding and that is the wrong way to be...but I have been proved wrong. One has got to do what one has got do. One can't shirk one's responsibilities thus. Nature will take its own course anyways...
And Captain, I can say all this strongly because as kindly as you put it, I can see none of my affairs as anything as evolved as you state...I may have been looking for a relationship between me and me, (I do have plenty of poetry to affirm that :)) but I don't think I was looking for an equal partnership because all the men I have been involved with have been incapable of that. The root of all those affairs was attraction, not connection. At one point, I did feel empowered and that I had 'found' myself and was truly 'indepedent'. But I was delusional. All you need to do is shake off all social and accepted notions of right and wrong and liberation/bliss is yours. Especially when you have a partner in crime who supports and approves of it.
Simplifying it all, yes I am holding on because of love. Yes, I truly love him, maybe much more than anyone or anything else. However, it is not romantic love...and it used to be a need for me to have romantic love but not anymore. My only quest is how to recognize where I am going wrong and set it right so that I can make my marriage work. It is easy to walk away right now...for both of us, its taking a lot of strength to hold on, but there is no pressure or feeling of burdened by need. I take heart and direction from that.
At this point it is important for me to marry my and his world. We have a VERY different way of looking at things but our values have been very similar, inherently and that has held us together...my quest right now is to find a road from my world to his and change all that is in contradiction to us...
P.S.: What you said about me absorbing other ppls identites is so true. I had put that down to my lack of individuality and lack of self-knowledge...But this very ability to empathize has led me to make strong loving relationships and I do depend on it in my tough times.
You say your values are the same. But looking at your husband's profile, it is clear he has a deep need for routine and structure in his life. You two may have opposing views here which can cause some conflict. While he needs everything to stay the same in order to feel safe, you need change in your life in order to grow and learn (no matter how much you fear it). I think also you regard your husband in a more idealistic than realistic fashion. You seem to think you can force yourself out of guilt to be something you are not anymore - his submissive student and hero-worshipper.
Your husband also wants to believe in a more beautiful world where no one ever hurts anyone else. But it is reality we must all deal with, not fantasy. You feel a need to repay him and relieve your guilt by staying with him - are you going to be able to devote your whole life to him and ignore your own needs? It may be harder on him if you stay but give off feelings of restlessness and dissatisfaction which he will pick up.
Captain...you are right...you feel the pulse of our relationship...but it is not the complete picture. Of who I am or what 'we' are...
If 'happily ever afters' are utopian, aren't 'equal' partners a utopian concept too...? We are aware of our basic differences, his need for routine and foundation and my need for change, growth and experience. Till now we had come half way, both of us...and depended on that ability of both to do that. My affairs have hit on that very foundation we depended on and hence these questions have become important...however, Captain, what is love if you don't cater to other people's needs to make them happy? What is love if not putting your needs second to theirs? My question or quest is not the ability to do that. I will manage it...my quest is to find out that thing inside me which made all these multiple affairs acceptable to me...is my value system corrupt or is it my nature? I can recognize and work on the former because they are taught and adapted. I can't do anything about the latter and will have to accept it. I don't want more than one life torn because of my faulty value system...no one deserves that and no one should do that...THAT would be wrong...
And Captain, if I truly believe in making my husband happy and wish to amend my wrongs sincerely than I won't 'crave' or look for anything else. I will accept it and there won't be any feelings of restlessness or dissatisfaction...
He had exactly the same doubts...he said go and live your life and look for whatever makes you happy...he is very sceptical of whether this will work at all. But I need to make it work. I don't know why but I need to.
By catering to other people's needs, you weaken them, not strengthen them. A need is a deep fear - will you foster your husband's (and your) needs, then? And love is not putting someone else first - it is loving yourself as much as you love others. Don't buy into romantic notions that don't work in real life. Love is not martyrdom and suffering, it is joy and equality and wanting to be with someone, not needing to be. And equality is real and possible if you want it and make it so. You mustn't use people becasue you need to pay off your 'debts' or make yourself feel less guilty. If you are at all forcing yourself to stay with your husband, he will feel it and be resentful because it is in a way condescending.
I don't love myself anymore Captain. I don't even deserve the love I get from my friends and family. And I don't think I will love myself again till I ease my husband's pain...
From the past three days, ever since you have responded, arguments have been going on in my head but I know they are arguments and only justifications...fears and excuses at best. I won't go into them.
Captain, for all that I have done to him, I still want to be with him...its not a need in the conventional sense...but yes part of this 'want' is a need too...but the question that disturbs me most is leave him, all this and bring all those wonderful years to a nought? What was all that beauty for if it had to end like this? And in my current state of self-inflicted blindness, I know it is not the right time...maybe both of us are just stalling and the end is really here...but until both of us 'feel' it, I am going to keep trying to make everything alright...who knows we may never feel the need to separate? Or who knows if we part now, the incomplete-ness of the whole process may never let us overcome our marriage and move on?
These may sound like conjectures Captain...but for all the feeling of being static, standing in one place, not moving, I still feel the right thing to do is stay and hold on...