Struggle 4 intimacy



  • 49 and husband is 59, we have not been intimate for 21/2yrs, recently left him and now he wants to talk and says it was because he was a broken man due to work schedule and our time apart(4mo at a time).My gut tells me he has someone else and just wants to have his cake and eat it to, when confronted with any coincidences(?) that confirm my suspicions-all denial, yet he says over and over he wants to work it out. i feel manipulated and confused. i am taurus-he gemini/cancer. any thoughts or advice?



  • I hate to sound like a bitter been through this kind of gal, but, I have been through this and I am still confused about one thing. Why do they want us back? What's the point? I have finally come to the conclusion that it is all about power. Guys like this love to be in control. My advise, make boundries and stick to them, if he truly wants you back the right way, he will live withing the parameters you have given him with no problem. You know him well enough to know if he is faking to be living in the parameters. Don't take any BS, you already took the hardest step, leaving him. Stick to your guns!!! If it's meant to be he will do anything within his power to prove to you he is sincere. Be careful here, this could be an opportunity for you to meet a really great guy that is worthy of you.



  • I'd go with your gut instinct to be honest....I'd carry on investigating but keep the lines of communication open ...he may not have "somebody" per se but he may have been flirting or is becoming attracted to someone and perhaps its something you could work out together.



  • Mrchick,

    I hate to disagree with you, but, she said they had not been initimate for 2 1/2 years. No man I have ever known has gone that long without a little something on the side and I am not referring to men in my lntimate life. I am talking about male friends who have confided the truth with me, the truth that they have told no one else. Both of us being Gemini, I know you understand loyalty, quite frankly I was sorry that they did confide in me because, I never saw them the same anymore. How cruel it it to keep your spouse guessing for over two years, leaving her thinking, is it me, do I have bad breath, is he just not attracted to me any longer. I am 48 and will turn 49 this year and I beleive life is to short to keep giving guys like this anymore time. Who cares if he is willing to change, we all know people have a core being inside them that will always eventually re-surface. In order to really know if he's really capable of change have him live within parameters she gives him and really make him stick to it for a good long time (at least a year) it's the only way to no for sure if he is sincere about changing.

    What do you think?



  • Yeah..myviewpoint...I realised as soon as I posted I hadn't read it properly! I couldn't put up with not being intimate after 21/2 years to be honest!!!! I think he has a cheek wanting to come back into her life.....especially as if there wasn't actually a real reason for the enforced celibacy! Please,amour, ignore my previous post - apart from trusting your gut instinct bit - go ahead and lead your own life....49 is still young and you shouldn't even be considering celibacy yet! Actually, it reminds me of a girl "friend" who once told me at the age of 35 I shouldn't worry about making love any more because at that age I was past it and should be satisfied with once every couple of months. She was a virgo. Umm....I ignored her advice, discovered my ex was having an affair after not being intimate for about a year, left him, met other people,met my 2nd husband, had 2 more kids at 40 and 41 and I'm having a better lovelife than I did in my 20s!!!



  • Hi, I don't know whether he is telling you the truth or not. You know him, I don't. You know if he has a libido or not. I do know that situations like this happen and the partner is NOT playing around. If you could tell me what type of work he is in that might help me form some sort of opinion. He definately will not admit to anything, I sense, because of the landslide.

    If you take the time to honestly reflect on my first 2 sentences, you probably, in your heart, know the true answer. I guess the real question here is do you really want a reconciliation.



  • Dalia I was thinking along those same lines. I think that whether its libido or not I would tell him I would go with him to a doctor. For two reasons. One to see if he brought anything home with him or to see if maybe the little blue pill could help.



  • Its that gut instinct you have,amour49, that bothers me. I think that its because you haven't got any solid evidence to back up your instincts that's driving you crazy with indecision. You have a gut instinct that he is seeing somebody else....you don't want to play second fiddle....and I think that though it hurts, I would stick to your guns and try and rebuild your life without him. I know a lot of men have libido problems (as well as women) and there's nothing wrong with celibacy ....BUT if the problem was medical/stress related etc I think he would have still shown affection in other ways and you wouldn't have such a gut instinct that something didn't add up. Also, if he was entirely innocent why didn't he consult a doctor to help...instead of leaving the problem to mount up....



  • thanks to everyone for posting comments and thoughts, they renforced my belief that he is manipulating, that it is all one big game and now that he has lost , he wants to be in it to win it. what i did not say before is that we did see a physician(after he said it was medical) and the little blue pill (6) over for days still nothing happened between us-yet- i found a printed order form for 120 blue pills with and alternate email address for him to be sent to his motel in the state where he is working. I know it my heart i have to end this and i will.



  • Hi, Keep all that information. You may need it.



  • He definitely doesn't sound innocent. No wonder your alarm bells are ringing. I agree with Dalia, keep all the information and keep it safe. I know its hard to walk away after so many years - you will go through a whole lot of emotions and life will be different but I know after my first marriage (15 years) as soon as that break was made I felt a whole weight off my shoulders and I began to live again. It wasn't easy - there were lots of tears,doubt,anger,loneliness - but soon there was relief and I rediscovered myself, and I was able to fall in love again and remarry someone who, at the moment , is perfect for me & I sincerely hope will always be there. Love and best wishes to you.



  • Listen to your "get" feelings; they are usually correct. If you believe he is cheating on you, then he possibly is. I would not open myself up to any more hurt. I would tell him "Bye" and go on with your life. Let GOD and let your heart show you the "right" man to live your life with.


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