HELP ME PLEASE!! emotional train wreck!!

  • I'm a Sagi and have been in a relationship with a Cancer for 2 yrs. We live in different towns so we don't see each other very often but talk and text daily. He say's he want's to move here with me and be with me and spend the rest of his life with me, but he has to get his house sold and things in his life he needs to take care of. Well it's been 2 yrs and it seems were still no closer. He's from Kenya and I know they don't rush their life over there it's a more laid back kind of life he has a very gentle soul. He has several friends both men and women. The problem I have is the women from there who live her seem to always lean on him for everything in their life and I feel I'm put on the back burner. I'm getting to the point that I just don't know what to believe anymore.....I feel I should just let him go but our relationship is from the soul and heart which makes this a hard decission. I do have problems with the other women friends in his life and have been thinking of ending our relationship. He knows this but he also feel responsible for his women friends while they are here in the states....I'm hoping someone can shed a light on this problem, help me to understand his way's more or help me to end the Emotional Train Wreck??? Please help me......

  • This is a really easy one, GET OUT, and run as fast as you can to the nearest exit. I know first hand what you are talking about. I met this guy in 1993, he did the same thing to me with one exception, we did move in together and let me tell you it was 7 years of a living hell. He remained friends with all the girls that leaned on him and in fact some of them (after socializing with them for a couple of years) told me he had slept with them! Hello, these woman had been guests in our home. If we had a party and one of them had too much to drink, I would not hear of them leaving, (I don't regret that, it was the right decision) so needless to say, I finally left him, and it was the best decision in my life. Shortly after kicking him out, I met the man I am married to today, one of the most gentle souls on Earth. We are a perfect match. If had not gotten out when I did I could of missed the opportunity to meet, fall in love with, and marry my husband.

    Trust me, what is happening to you is not leading to anything good. Take whatever value this relationship did offer you and throw the rest away.

    I feel I need to give you a little more detail, so you can really appreciate what I am saying. The first problem happened one month after I moved in with him. He always worked a night shift so he got off of work at 11:00 pm, every night he was home by 11:45, well, one night he did not walk through the door until 2:00 am!!! Not even a phone call to tell me he was OK. I was furious, then it gets worse. The clothing he is wearing when he came through the door was dress clothing like if you were going on a date. His work never required him to dress this way, in fact he was alone at work everynight. I saw what he had on when he went to work that day and it was a t-shirt and jeans. I confronted him when he finally came in the door, I am a Gemini so it was not a pretty scene. He acted like I was crazy, and when I finally did get him to tell me where he was he said, "There is this girl at work, she is just a friend and going through a hard time so we went to get a drink so I could help her." Gimme a break if that was the case than why not just call and tell me. From that moment forward I warned him, this is strike number one, and you are not going to get many more chances to do this kind of cruel thing to me. I ended up giving this man way too much of my life and regret it to this day. Don't make the mistake, I made take your life back.

  • Myviewpoint, I agree entirely!!! I've been through that scenario of "there is this girl at work" too!

  • You see Mrchick we are very much alike, I like that, it's not very often I can connect with someone like that!!!

  • Myviewpoint, We're so alike its scary!!! My "twin" ?!! My name thing should read RnRchick....don't know what button I've pressed to make it all lower case now!!!

  • Thank you for all your advice and now can you maybe give me a tool that will help me with this??

  • Hi ToTo, I'm not going to say that I disagree w/ the previous posts. But what I think here is to keep an open mind. There are alot of refugees (don't know if that's the correct word) in the nearest big city to me. They are helped w/housing. They seem to be very close. I don't know if the previous posts were involved w/people of a different country. Some of these people are extremely poor and are given so long to improve their lives or return to their homeland.

    All these things considered, your established. You might want to set a very serious timeframe on this.

  • Oh, r n r chick, now I get it, I always thought the first two letters rn looked like and M. I have vision issues as you can tell. I have an auto-immune disorder that fools around with my vision. Sorry, my bad. Anyway I always love to read your posts, then I don't feel so alone, or hard nosed.

  • toto53, the tools you need you already have they are, self respect, dignity and pride. We should wake up everyday with those three tools, and if someone robs us of even one of those things it's a sign we should not ignore. You see life is all about change and new learning experiences, so you have obviously learned something from this relationship, but, you need to be able to recongnize when the lesson is learned and there is no value in "hanging on". There are plenty of other males out there who want the same things in life you do. What you need to ask yourself is how much time am I willing to sacrafice with this current relationship. He is not suppose to save the world, if he is in a mutually committed relationship with you, then he needs to focus on that. I can't express this next fact enough, so I will type it in caps, MEN LIKE THIS ARE REALLY VERY SELFISH AND USE EXCUSES LIKE, THESE GIRLS REALLY NEED ME, it is a complete fabrication, think to yourself, does he really consider himself that important that he can assist all these other women when he can't even give me what I need. I mean really think about this. If he has friends in a circle that moved here from another country the are certainly capable of taking care of themselves, we all are. Furthermore, if he is really that into you why not invite you into that circle? Why are you on the outside looking in? Isolation is a very bad thing in a relationship. Look if you are leaning towards hanging on for a while, try this, tell him you would love to meet this group of people that have come to the states and that you think this is a good way to move the relationship to the next level (even if you have already met them, you could tell him since you and he are planning on getting even more involved than you are now it is important for his friends to be your friends also). This is the big test, see what reaction you get. Your intuition will lead you and guide you, don't forget, self-respect, pride, and dignity, oh and one other thing I forgot, grace, very important to always have grace. Please keep us posted on your progress.

    I hope this is helpful to you.

  • Hi Dalia this is so true, They came here 11 yrs ago to go to College to better themselves and for their families at home. These people are very kind gentle soul's. I'm talking about the one's that I have met personally. I know there are a lot of bad people out there and that goes with every race. That is where I'm having problems with this, I know their hearts and the desire to protect and help each other. He tells me when and where he's going and what's happening with them. He's a truck driver and I go on trips with him and were on the road anywhere from 2 to 4 weeks at a time and we have a Wonderful time together and my kids and family really adore him as well, so when he's on the road he has to ask for help from them while he's on the road. His mother has come to visit as well and he needs them to help with her as well. She can't go on the road with him. So I know he feels that he needs to repay the favor no different then I would if it were me. So you see this is where I'm at. I need to learn to either accept and give him the time he's asked for or turn this gentle soul away. We do Love each other and I've never had a man care for me like he does. He treats me like a Queen and me knowing how their kind is it makes me feel selfish at times....I know you understand what I'm saying. So I guess is do I really love him unconditionally trust and give him this time or let him you see where I'm so heartbroken

  • Hi again, I take it that you have discussed things w/your family. I don't think they see him as a bad person. My brother married a Phillipino girl. There is a big community where he lives. It is literally a big family. Your dealing with his culture here. My brother bought a coconut orchard while in the Phillipines to help the family w/finances. He also sent money there so the parents could build a house.His wife grew up in a straw house. Her parents are fishermen. My question is have you discussed how long before you can start planning a life. Sometimes it's hard to imagine where certain cultures are coming from until you walk in their shoes

  • Hi again,

    Yes we have talked about this in great detail. He keeps saying soon but I have learned that their minute is like 4 does this tell you anything LOL!!! he's trying to sell his house and his mom will be going home here soon and if you know anything about how all the overseas issues are it's like pulling teeth, it's takes forever. He applied for her paper work clear back in Sept of 08, they just got a letter in the mail last week and said it could take another 45 days for them to file it. So I know this has played a big part in it all. But at times I just feel that I should let him go, but the reason I fell in love with him was because of his gentle heart and soul. We do have so much fun.....he just can't say no when ppl ask for help.... 😞

  • Well, this is not exactly the best time to sell a house. Great time to buy. Only you truly know what is best. Is the house up for sale already. If it is, I would give him time if you truly know you are in love and want to make a commitment. Feel like I've made some people mad here. But, if he's willing to move and be w/you that says a lot. He's selling his place, not yours. Prayers.

  • Yes it's up forsale and I know how people fell but until you really understand someone's culture it's hard to be objective. I do apprecaite everyone's input, if I didn't want to hear what they have to say or I couldn't handle it I would have never posted my quest for help. A lot of what they are saying is so true. The difference is where the person is from and how they believe there are a lot of users out there BIG TIME.....I was single for 7 yrs when I met him and wasn't looking but it hit me and I wouldn't go out with him for 3 months but once we went out I really enjoyed learning all I could about and from him. We are planning on going to his home in Kenya which is something I've wanted to do ever since I was a little girl I can't wait. Even if him and I aren't together anymore I will still go myself. It's been a long time dream. Ok well Thank you All for listening to me and Thank you for all your advice, I will take it all into account and go from there....Thank you and God Bless You All.....

  • You've invested much into this relationship, which makes balance and decision-making that more difficult. In this case, after looking closely at how you worded your post, I'd say to "Think with your Head and not your Heart!" Look at his priority list --- YOU are not first (or even second or third) in his life. It would be to HIS narcissistic advantage for you to stay with him. Be as fair, kind, caring and considerate with your self as you're being to him! Are you being too idealistic?

  • Hi yes you are right I have invested my heart and soul into this relationship and I'm happy to say I have learned alot about myself thru this all. Yes your right I don't feel 1st in his life and this isn't what I fell in love with him for. You all don't know how your words have been helping me thru this. I'm a very secure soul and I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm Very Happy with my life, family and friends so that's not the problem....I just have to put myself 1st and do what's right for me...I was raised on a farm/ranch and whenever we'd get bucked off of the horse or the cattle would run over me I remember the ranch hands saying....get up brush yourself off and Belly-it-up!!! ur ok.....and you know that saying has a lot of substance to I've been bucked off and now it's time for me to Belly-It-Up and get over it and move on.....LOL!!!

  • Hello. I'm a guy, so I'm not sure my opinion counts. Not trying to be sexist, but really, gals have a different set of problems than most men. Not saying we don't have our share, either.

    That aside. I'd like for you to do an experiment. Break it off with him. Don't tell him. Don't fret. Just stop. It may just be that he likes you and wants to continue with you for old times' sake. It may be that you're the only girl, but that's not likely. No offense, ladies, or gentlemen who disagree, but most men don't always stick to one girl.

    That's not to say he's cheating on you, but, really, there's a lot of women out there, and most guys don't think too well with certain body parts. I think we may all agree on that.

    Another thing. You seem to like him a lot. If not, you wouldn't be an emotional train wreck. Also, you're reaching out for advice from a large community of people you do not know. Take whatever we say with a grain of salt, sugar, spice, or whatever you like to take things with. You are you, and you are the one reaping the benefits. So, if you feel you'd get more sugar from plowing the same field, or from trying the one across the way. Go for it. Just consider that the field you've been plowing might yield better results for the time spent caring for it.

    A third(?) option. Talk to him about the other women. Not in a complaining tone, or vindictive, or victim-voice. Ask him how he thinks about these women. Really. Get his opinion as a friend, not as an emotional train wreck. If you think he's not telling the truth, don't be quick to point blame, or, in the other case, break down in tears. Let him know it's important you know what's going on. Let him know your thoughts. And don't let him sweet-talk you into thinking it's ok. Remember one thing; the more frosting put on the cake, the less delicious the substance of the cake will be. Trust me. I know. I've been that guy before.

    It could be that he's feeling your feelings, and he's wary of what's going on. Culturally, he may not even realize how you feel. I know it's a long shot, but it very well could be.

    So. Take this advice with a grain. And have my blessings on whatever path you choose.

  • Hi Neanderthal,

    WOW!! thank you for replying I was glad to see a man's take on this. What you've mentioned has a lot of truth to it. I've been around the block a few times and how you worded things makes me think so have you. I appreciate what everyone has given me, I'm not one to act and do without thinking it thru first. I'm making a journal of all the events and what my feelings were at that time like pro's and con's. No matter what path I take I know it will be the one that's best for me now and in the future. I've always been good at giving advice and actually living my advice until I met him. I've got to get the old me back and walk my talk.....he's good at words but his actions don't follow. We will have a talk and he will know that his words no longer work with me I want to see his actions no more words and if he can't walk his talk well then keep on is too short to not enjoy life and to recogonize what one needs to do in order to enjoy life like it's meant to be. Yes I have a long way to go but after hearing from all of you I want to Thank you all because you have helped me take the first step on this path and I know it will help guide me in the right direction. I know I don't know any of you and to me that makes it more meaningful because you can say it like it is. Sometimes friends won't tell you the truth but friends you've never met can....and this is what I feel I've gotten from All of you....Thank you so much!!!

  • Dalia, there is no such thing as anyone getting mad in here. This is what this forum is all about diversity. We all have different ways of looking at things and quite frankly, we Gemini's have a tendancy to jump the gun. So sometimes we need advice from someone like you to help us see things in a different perspective. However, I do still believe everything I wrote in my first post. toto53 I hope we all were of service to you, and did not come on so strong that you are insulted. That is never a Gemini's intention, we're just a little over the top, and sometimes (a lot of the time) that is a good thing, cause we are usually good at reading people.

    One last thing Dalia, I look forward to reading your take on things.

  • Hi, It's good to talk about it in an non-confrontational way. Please make a decision before he sells the house. lol!!

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