18 Years Lost?

  • Good Morning Everyone...

    I am a Cancer and husband is a Gemini I will start there.

    I have been married to the same guy for over 18 years. We have 4 gorgeous kids together.

    The problems I have is that I am an enabler. I have handled everything in the relationship because he has had no interest or says to me, "you have done it for so long, why should I learn". This includes two drug addictions, putting up with his family who blames me for all of my husband's problems and friends who dictate to my husband what he "should be doing" when it comes to his wife and family. This man cannot handle a bank account nor has he ever paid a bill. So to save my own credit and credit worthiness of my family, I have made sure all was copastetic.

    He has had no interest in the things I have wanted to do for over 10 years and quite frankly, if the world does not revolve around him and what he wants to do, than there is always guaranteed to be an argument.

    This past month,, he went on a trip our family could not afford. So he borrowed the money from a friend that he has known since childhood. This friend is very opinionated and instigates arguments for my husband. He has been known to be a troublemaker throughout their childhood and many of the people who have known him for the same amount of time have said the same thing to me. He also during this trip re-connected with an old girlfriend. The same girlfriend who was texting him about 2 weeks before he left and the same girlfriend he went to visit when our first daughter was only a few days old.

    I spent time over a friend's house( Male) so that the kids would not be subjected to the argument. ( I am this person's son's guardian) When I got home yesterday the house is a mess, no food, and to top it all off the kids have not been expected to do chores of the little things I had them doing before they went to school like teeth brutshing and breakfast...he is now trying to tell me that I am not allowed to hang out with this friend and claims that my relationship with this friend is what has caused the strain. This same person helped him to start a business and has been friends with myhusband for the same amoutn of time that I have.

    I am fed up up with whole thing and just want to get on with my life. I love my husband but it is obvious the only love he has for me is what I can do for him as far as taking care of his obligations, house, kids and bills. I can;t do it anymore and at 42, I deserve to be happy.

    I have a feeling at 43 he is going through some mid life crisis and he will also not go to counseling. What suggestions can you all make...my gut is saying for my own health and welfare, move on, but my heart says try to work it out for the kid's sake....

    Any suggestions...

  • You asked so I'll tell you my opinion, There is no room in a healthy marriage for freinds of the opposite sex for either one of you. Marriage is extrememly difficult (from your posting, I know you already know that) it is a committent of mind, body, and soul. Break the committment in any of those area's and you are in big, big, trouble. The problem is you both have such a long history of this unhealthy, turbulent, miserable existence, that I am not even sure you could undo what's been done. Your husband is on some kind of power kick, and he know's exactly how to push your buttons. As far as him not contributing, you set it up that way, you took it on, there must have been some kind of payoff for you. It almost feels like there is a power struggle going on between the two of you. Please don't do the ole, "I'm staying for the kids thing", that's rediculous. Your kids know what is going on they always have and always will. We don't do our children any favors by staying in unhealthy, damaging marriages. You say you love this man, yet, I have a hard time seeing what there is to love. If you would please respond back and tell me what qualities you love about him it would help me to understand the situation better.

  • Three cheers Myviewpoint!

    53 - yes you do deserve to be happy and you're not. Yes, your husband is going through a midlife crisis by the sounds of it. However, I wouldn't tolerate knowing that my other half was seeing/communicating with an ex just after my child was born....he would have been crucified!!! I wouldn't tolerate what he is doing now. I really feel he is abusing your love and trust and I can tell that he is fully aware of what he is doing because of the way he is turning the blame on to you and your male friendship! You must be careful...are you hanging around this other fella to get back at your husband? Be careful that he doesn't accuse you of adultery. I think you are both ready to call it a day....don't stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids....children respond to both parents being happy and if that means living apart but the kids can see both parents equally then that would be a better scenario then sticking together in a house where there is tension in the air if not actual fighting. If you do decide its a relationship worth hanging on to...then both of you need to make changes..ie you stop seeing your male friend and he should stop contact with his ex girlfriend. You'll need to compromise. Good luck.

  • Hi, This sounds a lot like what I went thru w/my ex-husband. I don't know what addictions he had and for how long but they do affect the brain. I brain scan of an alcoholic or addict is different than a "normal" one. So, there probably is some damage there. I don't really think he will change at all because of the age. He doesn't have the need to change. Does he still have his drivers license. Worry about yourself and kids. My advise--make a clean break, the further the better.

  • Abuse of any kind is not good for the kids. This mental abuse does more damage and leaves more scares than a beating. You made excuses for him again at the end of you communication about this. You teach your children the wrong message by staying there. The chain has to be broken and everyone needs some counceling when you leave a situation like this. This doesn't teach self worth to girls and it leaves the wrong message with boys as how you can treat your family as an adult also. This is familiar because I was married to someone like that for 16 yrs. and he was my childrens father. They didn't want to see us together and everytime I would try again they would get very mad at me. They can see better than you can. Because they see the what you don't want to. Teach them that they don't have to live in a sick environment either. You know what has to be done for you and them. If your self worth is so far down then use them as the excuse to leave.

  • And if this is all that your children see, sometimes the partner they choose in life will be just like their dad. That's what they know and who they choose because they know how they will react to the situations in that kind of life style. Its kind of if all you have ever known is chaos then anything else is to boring. Let them see the otherside without the chaos so they have choices too. They didn't ask for the drama. If you had that kind of life as a child that maybe why you stayed so long.

  • Thank you all for your responses..MyViewPoint..after I read your response and went back over my own thoughts. I agree with you and I will leave it at that.

    I will be headed to counseling myself on Monday. I have invited him to come along but he says it is not going to do anything for him, so yes, I am gonna make the break. My girls do deserve it that is for sure...

    It's funny...I think I knew this all along.

    Blessings to you all! Happy Friday!


  • Good for you girl. And good for the girls too. You see an alcoholic is always in denial. And if they don't want help they won't get it. The same goes for other adictions. And there are many. But I for one am glad for you. One day at a time. You may question your decision at times when you are down but you will get better. Don't look back, look forward to the next door opening.

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