Need some insight



  • I am at a crossroads in my life. There were lies and deception very early in my marriage. I didn't find out about the lies for many years, after our child was born. We stayed together. Husband seems devoted now, yet there is distance and... the lies from many years ago still haunt us. I was fairly content until last year when I ran into a friend whom I went to school with. His marriage mirrored mine, it was uncanny. But the situations were different in that his wife continued her affairs and they ended up divorcing about eight years ago. It made me wonder if the universe was bringing this to my attention... and for what reason. I started thinking about my marriage and my beliefs, my wanting to believe the lies because I was afraid of the truth at that time. I find myself wondering if I am still being blind? Should I have stayed in this marriage? Can people who decieve truly change or am I in for a rude awakening eventually. Insight anyone?



  • T123, people can change when truly motivated to do so. How did you find out about his deception all those years ago? Did your husband come clean to you about his lies and tell you the truth? Or did you find out another way (if so, how)? Sometimes we want to believe the best of people, and lie to ourselves. I feel that your husband is devoted to you now, but there are still unresolved trust issues, which you need to discuss. (You are apparently not still blind). You may want to try marriage counseling--it can work wonders.

    By the way, I don't think it is wise to believe that your marriage will turn out like your school friend's just because they seemed similar on the outside. However, there is a saying that the wise learn from other's mistakes. It seems that there was incredible dishonesty and deception in your friend's marriage, which is not something you want in your own. I feel you should come clean to your husband now about how you are feeling. Good luck, and best wishes!



  • Junemoon, thanks for your response. First, I suspected something was going on and was told it was only a friendship, by her and hiim. We utilized counseling. It was six or seven years later that I really learned the truth. After many times of being tired of his moods and feeling like he was angry at me all the time, I wanted to know why he was treating me that way.. and he finally decided to tell me and spilled everything. Found out there was another affair prior to the one I suspected... and a brief one when we dated for six years.

    His continued distance is what made me start re-thinking about everything. We are utilizing counseling again and I did tell him how I felt. I'm just not sure about anything because he was so good at what he did previously. I don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes.



  • You're welcome, T123, and I understand. It is to his credit that he came clean to you, although of course that doesn't instantly and entirely make up for what happened or erase it by any means. Please, tell him you feel he is becoming distant again, and what you told me--you don't want a repeat of the past. (He may reassure you, or mumble something and stay distant). What he does in response will give you a hint as to what's going on. Don't say it in an accusing way--just that you miss feeling close and ask him if he's under stress from work or something (and that's causing him to be distant). It may not be easy to do, but I feel it would be a good idea. Good luck, and best wishes! ❤