Abusive relationship?

  • Hi everyone, this is a long one! It has nothing necessarily to do with horoscopes etc, so I'd appreciate it if people refrained from referring to things of that nature. I just need some advice, and I trust the opinions of the people here. I'm willing to hear that I am wrong, too, and that all of this is just in my head.

    My boyfriend and I got together when I was 18, he 21. After the initial honeymoon period, things inevitably lost their shine but I was still smitten with him. A good few months into our relationship, he went away to a music festival for a few days. When he came back, somehow he started asking me if I had cheated on him while he was away, which I hadn't, so I said so. Then he said, "Good, because if you ever cheat on me, I will smash your f**king face in."

    That shocked me, and I burst into tears. But we sorted it out. A few months later, I came home from work to find my parents had gone away for the weekend. Last time they went away, somebody tried to kick the front door of the house down to break in, so I'd been paranoid ever since. My boyfriend was at his house. I had to go to work early the next day, so I went to bed but couldn't sleep for fear of someone breaking in again (which I realise can be seen as very childish and immature). It got to midnight and I was still awake, so I phoned my boyfriend. I didn't expect him to come running over, but some words of comfort maybe. I told him I was alone and scared and I couldn't sleep, and his answer?

    "My advice to you would be, just get over it and go to sleep... I used to get scared like that sometimes. When I was 12." I could hear all his friends were in the room with him. Upset, I hung up and we actually broke up a few days later. When he would come out with these things, it would shock me because the rest of the time he was so funny and affectionate.

    We got back together, 6 months later we split up again (my doing) as I was at university and wanted to be single, which I feel bad for now I look back, although things did get difficult. We've been back together for 3 months or so, and we live together. This might look strange to an outsider, however over time we've both grown a lot, me especially, and our relationship feels so much better this time round.

    But weird things have been happening again. I get home from work earlier than he does, and a few months ago I'd just started this job and breaking into the routine was exhausting. One afternoon he came home from work and I was napping on the bed. He said he wanted sex, and I said I was too tired and he said, "That's okay, I can just play the XBox". So I carried on napping, and he lay with me. After about 10 minutes he became suggestible again and started touching me, which I let him do but I repeated that I was too tired. He got up and said, "Fine. F**k you then."

    I sat up, confused. "What?"

    "Yeah. You heard," he replied, and stormed out. He came back in the room and starting saying how I was messing with his head. I didn't mean to "mess with his head" when I let him touch me, I was just so tired.

    Around his friends, I've always been very shy and introverted. His friends are really nice, but they have acknowledged to me that they're very "in your face" (not my words). I've had trouble coming out of my shell for them. My boyfriend can't understand why this is, telling me that I should just be "myself" and "free", when actually I am very introverted in myself. He's got very frustrated with me over this, to a point where it's become an issue and, instead of trying to understand when I explain and helping me out a bit, he just gets annoyed. He has almost made me feel like I have a PROBLEM, like a disorder or illness. I'm not expecting him to hold my hand every step of the way. I just appreciate a bit of understanding, because the more I feel like a weirdo, the less I'd want to talk to anyone.

    However now that we've moved in together, his friends live next door and I've started opening up to them a lot more (university has helped). I've made real progress.

    One night some friends came round and we hung out for a couple of hours, but I wanted to get up early in the morning for work. I had fun with his friends, we all got on and I wasn't being awkward (besides, when his friends do hang out all they do is listen to music and play drums and guitars, so I find it quite difficult to strike up conversation in that environment). So I said I was going to bed, and my boyfriend pointed his finger and said, quite loudly, "You can't leave! You know why? Because it is your ROLE to be the quiet girl in the corner!!"

    Everyone went quiet then, so I just said "Goodnight, everyone!" and left.

    I don't know. There's a lot of stuff here that's missing, but when someone brings up the subject of abusive relationships, these are the events I remember. The ones that make me think.

    Am I in an abusive relationship? I'm sure that I have provoked him and upset him many times, it's not all one sided. I love him, and I feel 100% comfortable when it's just me and him but, something's not quite right.

    Like I said, I am open to hearing that it's me who is in the wrong here. If I'm the one with the problem, let me know.


  • You’re not in the wrong and I think you already know that. It’s very disconcerting that after all the time you’ve known each other, he still hasn’t accepted you and he’s trying to change you to meet his needs. It doesn’t matter if you’re introverted, you are who you are. From what you describe he’s jealous, controlling, disrespectful and unsympathetic and I would be very careful because I do consider his actions a form of abuse. You might argue that he doesn’t always treat you this way but imho, once is too many times. It’s a slow process of stripping away your confidence and then making you dependent on him. And even if it never escalates to physical abuse you will carry the scars from it because it creates doubt in and about yourself. Where are your friends in this picture? Does he socialize with them or are you somewhat isolated from them? You need your own support structure outside of him and his friends.

    I would be concerned.

  • Hi “Bigskit”

    First, you should thanks yourself to take the courage to open up about this issue.

    Second, YOU are not in wrong in way but HE is very wrong from what you are saying.

    Darling, there is no other way to tell you this, you are not in respectful relationship

    This person has zero respect for you, any men that will speak to me like that i will leave him straight up on the spot and i will never think of him again

    May i ask why you haven't left him yet?

    His very abusive toward you and the more you let it skip the closer you get to be one day be kick from him, plus he already told you he will kick you one those day.

    Something is not right with him and you know this but what about YOU?

    Something isn't right with you too because you right now are not protecting yourself?

    Tell me why if you can?

    We can go on talk about him and what his doing but it’s clear his dangerous and abusive toward you

    What i want to talk about is why are you staying with him??

    you need to look at your doing more then his doing right now.

    Many girls get involved in dangerous relationship and yes the guy is the cause but the girl that stay with the guy is also the problem because she make it possible for the man to abusive her in first place

    I hope you take what wrote well, and you start to think about your safety and also about what you want from LOVE

    this is not LOVE, it’s open abusive and there is not respect

    if you stay with this man, there is no doubt that he will damage you with time

    i hope with all my heart that you get out before that and you meet a man that treat you with more respect then this guy

    but still ever his very bad, his not the one that is making this possible right now

    BUT YOU are, you are putting yourself on the stage to be shoot

    why do you do that?

  • Hi, sorry to read about your situation. IMO, you are being abused emotionaly. A partner is supposed to love us and build us up. Not bring us down. He sounds very immature and childish. In reading what you wrote it sounds like you already know your answer. Sometimes we just don't listen to ourselves. I did that a lot. But now I'm on a new path in my life. He will not change. When people are in LTR we let more and more of "the real me" out. He will get worse.And you will get more and more down. I know its hard to end things. Believe me!!!! But its only hard for a little while and then GOD or whatever you believe brings better things to us. I hope this helps. 🙂

Log in to reply