2nd time around

  • Otherwoman I hate to tell you this but unless you have talked to his family members to confirm this I wouldn't swallow it. Its a statistic that men won't stay in those situations like women will. And if you doubt that call a AAA organization and ask them. I was the signicant other liking with an alcoholic and I learned a lot about the disease. I grew up with a weekend alcoholic and well you kind of end up with people in the same situations that you grow up with. So I think you may want to check his story out a little more.

  • To LibrasLair, First, it's AlAnon not AAA (Auto Club of America). Second ,my mom was a functioning alcoholic for 23 years of my life. So trust me, I know a great deal about alcoholics. He is not the alcoholic, he is married to one. That's why I prodded him to go to an AlAnon meeting. He needed to understand that there's nothing he can do for her unless she wants the help. Also to understand that the drinking is from her personal demons not from anything he ever did. I also tried to convince him that his two boys needed to go but they didn't want to. Yes, I have checked out, no I've been told by some of his family, that what he has told me is true. Once I get back to NY I do plan on checking out his story quite a bit more than I have been able to from Florida. Still since I have known him on & off for 43 years I tend to believe him.

    Sorry if you had troubles. I hope I don't If I do, well I AM 60 and have dealt with disappointments before. I can & will do it again.

  • That was a very strong reaction to LibrasLair comments, I think you need to step back and figure out why what LibrasLair wrote affected you so badly. We are all here with only one thought in mind, to be of assistance to eachother. Sometimes the truth is hard to read, but that doesn't change what the truth is. I have no idea if he is being honest or not, and neither do you, because the family you spoke with he could of also deceived, there are people like this out in the world. I know you want so badly to beleive he is your future, and maybe he is. But I think LibrasLair was just playing devils advocate, that's why we post our problems in this forum to read what everyone has to say. For some reason that post really hit a trigger for you.

  • Sorry if I seemed to become defensive about any replies from others in this forum. I had already told, in other replies, that she was & is the alcoholic, she physically abused her 1st child when he was still a baby, she has been a verbally abusive person to him, their two adult kids and most of his family (small as it is).

    It bothered me that LibrasLair suggested that I contact AAA instead of AlAnon. If she had been with a weekend alcoholic she should know that it's AA NOT AAA. If a person can't or won't read and remember what was said in any of the messages, then maybe she should not reply unintelligently as she did.

    That's the only trigger that she hit - misinformation or should I say misunderstood information. That's how lots of problems start. Not getting the information correct but giving an opinion.

  • otherwoman, you really did get nasty. The weekend alcoholic was my dad. And for you tobe my age I wouldn't think you would be getting this upset when you are the one who posted. I am sorry that I missed something in here but if you don't want an opinion then I guess you shouldn't ask. Once again it wasn't my intention to upset you. And I will try to proof read my typing a little closer. On second thought, what you do is your business and I guess you won't ask next time. Once again I am sorry if you took anything I said or any other person had to offer the wrong way. Women do try to stick together for each other.

  • otherwoman, maybe I didn't make myself clear about why he should call AA. It was to comfirm that men don't stay with alcoholic wives as long as a wife will stay with an alcoholic husband. Maybe that's where the misunderstand is. I didn't mean to infer he was the alcoholic. And I was just a young child when I first remember all the drinking my dad would do on the weekends. As a teenager I confronted my mom about my dad being an alcoholic and she said no he isn't because he drinks beer. Gee in denial or what. If he drank wine I guess to her he would have been a wino. I didn't know about any programs when I was growing up. Hense I didn't go to any.

  • LibrasLair,

    I wish to apologise to you for my rather snippy answer. I recently had knee surgery & sometimes the pain can become a bit unbearable. Yes, I did come to this forum to air my concerns. I was more upset by my pain rather than your answer.

    As far as growing up in an alcoholic house, yeah it was tough. Mom grew up in Europe during WWII & hated having lost her childhood. Dad was enthralled with WW11. He felt it was the only time he was alive, so to speak. Between his "love" of war & her hatred of war, there was a whole lot of war ging on. Once I finally found out about AlAnon, didn't go for fear of retribution from them.

    Now there is a chapter of A.A. called "Adult Children of Alcoholics". It can be a huge help.

    I think he was in love with her at one time but aparently things she did and said over their married life made love & maybe even like just fly out of the window. I DO have a whole lot of questions for him but asking them over the pohne isn't my style. Will have to wait until I am face to face with him. This way I can "read" body language while getting answers. if I feel he's lying to me about anything, I will have NO hesitation in walking away. Will hate to do it but I don't tolerate liars very well. Both my parents lied about a lot of things that has made me intolerant of lies.

    Again, sorry to have been so "touchy" with my answers. Please accept my apology.

  • otherwoman, Don't worry I understand. Where I don't have a knee injury, I have stress fractures in my right foot and this is the second time around after doing this last Oct. They think its caused from my chemo and now has caused brittle bones. Oh well what doesn't kill you will still give you pain. You are better off I agree asking in person. So if he starts to squirm you can see it.lol I was the oldest of three children with my sister 3 1/2 years younger and having muscular dystrophy and a brother 5 years younger than myself, I didn't have much of a childhood. I had to be a parent for my mom who ran to church and left us to put up with my dad. So now I am old enough to look back and know the reasons for what life has given me. Its a little clearer why we do and act the way we do. Its helped to make me who I am. I put my own children through a lot because of my choices in men and am sorry for it. But there again these are things we have to learn. I wish you much luck in your search for the truth and much happiness.

  • Dear Other Woman,

    I am sorry to hear about the death of your husband - people we love before we marry are also soul-mates - more like kindred spirits - the feelings you still have for this man have been aroused by this former attachment you had with each other - I am not sure how far you have tested the limits of your previous relationship with this man but I think that you will certainly be affected by the karma of their marriage issues if you enter into sexual relations with this man. It will affect you badly - He will feel more and more guilty about this secret he is keeping from his wife and eventually he will tell you that he no longer wishes to be involved with you emotionally. This will affect you detrimentally and you have already suffered the pain of your spouse's death in the past. - Allow yourself to live life forwards now - by going back to a relationship from your past you are not making any progress with your life - Death is the beginning of a new life for you and you are a beautiful woman - don't allow this man to use you because his marriage has reached a stale-mate - that is his problem not yours.....You have much in store for you in the future - you are a special person - and you will discover real love again very soon. Love and light - Gipsy 321

  • Gipsy321 & LibrasLair,

    Thanks for your answers & hopes. I needed,asked & got both. I do want you to know that for the first two years of our relationship, I made all sorts of suggestions to try to enhance the marriage. I suggested A.A. for the family. I suggested counciling for the two of them. If she ever stopped drinking and realised what she had done over the years to the marriage & apologised, I told him he should accept the apology & move on with her. He said he's never be able to do that. After all she has done during thier marriage, an apology would never suffice. All he wants is out. If out means for us to be together, then so be it. If not, then so be that too. It's now 6 years later & feelings are still strong. As I said earlier, I live in Florida & he lives in New York. We have had a long distance relationship for 6 years & When I move back to NY (not for him but I hate the summers here) IF he takes the next move to a lawyer then I'll support him. If he doesn't then I'll have to decide what MY next move will be. All of your answers have been a big help. Thanks so much for all you have given me.

  • otherwoman I hope you get what you want out of life. You have waited a very long time. I hope that in all of this time you didn't miss a really good man for you. We know that alcoholics and people on drugs really aren't able to love anyone as much as they love their habit. And I know its an illness but you know I have a hard time with it. No one give us who suffer at their actions a brownie button every month for dealing with them. Hell we couldn't even expect a happy face at the end of the day most of the time. I wish you much happiness in N.Y.

  • Hi there LibrasLair, Thanks for your kind words. You're right. I have waited a very long time. After my husband died the only question I had for myself & to myself is: When is it MY turn to have a life? I guess the answer is "NOW"! So, to that end I'm gonna grab the tiger by the tail & hang on for the ride. Don't care how bumpy a ride it might be.

    I promise one thing to myself & all who care, I willNOT get involved with anyone hooked on drink or drugs. I also refuse to have anything to do with a hitter. That sort of scum can & should rot in jail.

    Hope you also get the good life has for you. We women deserve it all.

  • Thank you very much and much luck for you.

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