2nd time around

  • Fell in love while in H.S. We were forced apart by my parents @ 16 for me & 18 for him. Lost track of each other until my husband died. He sent a sympathy card. I finally answered it & we have since fallen in love again. Unfortunately he is still married but it's been dead for many years. I know that's one of the oldest stories but it's true. I've been told this by a few other people.

    Wondering if the "signs" I've had thrown in my face lately mean that we are meant for each other & I should hang in there or am I just "seeing" things? Signs :Encouragement emails, finding pennies in my path, music with personal meaning found randomly on radio, etc. I haven't felt like this since H.S.(with him) despite my relatively happy marriage of 27 years.

    Would like some input from others out there.


  • Hi, No, his marriage is not dead. It is living and breathing and probably wakes up w/him every morning. What he decides to do at this point is up to him. If what he is telling you is correct, then it'll probably be a matter of time until they both take different paths. Sometimes, it doesn't follow along quite like that. Spiritually, the wife is released from this--if she even finds out. That's how I would look at it, if I were in her shoes. But, everyone does not think like me either.

  • Be careful, everything seems great in the begining, but you never know what the whole story is. Trusted a man for seven years that was married. Thought I was the woman of his dreams. Found out three months ago, that he was also having an affair with the woman who works next door to my place of employment. That's where we met. I'm married and she's married too. Seems he told her all the same things he told me for six of those years. I don't know if I can ever trust another person again. I guess I deseved it being married myself, but I thought he was the one. Never loved anyone like I did him. I don't think anything good can come from relationships outside of marriage. She and I are both still devistated. All he can say is, he didn't mean to hurt us.

  • I actually agree with Dalia! I wouldn't personally commit myself to him until he has actually been brave enough to admit to his wife that he feels their marriage is over. Whether he admits he has feelings for someone else to her or not is not the issue....but he needs to give her the respect to say things are over and not deceive her any longer.

  • Hi Other Woman...your post of 'second time around' caught my eye...Just last week I found my old flame from High School on FaceBook. We dated for a while, really liked each other, but he had been seing someone else too...and she got pregnant..he married her. I was crushed. We have been talking on line for the last week or so...he divorced her, remarried, and is now seperated.....I am single now...We haven't seen each other in 39 years...he saw my pic's on FceBook, he didn't have any posted. So I went to the site where he works, found his picture, and the second I saw it my whole body had goosebumps....and I had a feling of 'Oh my God, this is who I have been looking for my whole life.'..We still haven't met in person...we are taking it very slow..but I sure can see being with him the rest of my life......I just felt it when I saw his picture ( he doesn't look the same as 39 years ago) So, what feelings did you have the very first time you heard from him? The first time you saw him? Did he have the same feelings, or similar ones? After losing a loved one, it is easy to find comfort in a comfortable old friend. And if his mariage is truly over, it is easy for him to seek comfort in a comfortable old friend. My only advise would be is to take it real slow....you both may be rebounding back into 'comfortable comfort'....but keep your heart and mind wide open as it also might be the real thing.......I sure am hoping my 'second time around' is.........Good Luck Other Woman

  • hi mrchick, and cautious jus to let you know you both right to what you say, as i have been on the receiving end of both these situations. i was happily married for 23yrs and had 4 children when out of the blue both my ex husband and i became distraught enemies and for more than 5yrs now i have tried to work out exaclty what and why it all happened. just recently we became friends again although i lived and worked separetly away from each other, he came to visit me and we chatted about the children and how things were. i began to feel warmer towards him and thought we were getting along well and so did the family even his mother accepted me again,we tried to show each other some respect and kept in touch for a year until he finaly asked me to move back into the marital home. we had just gone through 5yrs of trying to get on with our lives and all the separation and divorce etc.now i have moved back feeling very apprehensive and not sure what to expect. i cant bring myself to sleep in the same bed at the moment and this has been making me very unerved since we are divorced and cant bring myself to join him in our old bed, is this right?i know deep down i love him unconditionally but that must be the aquarian in me?or am i just being too stubborn, please could someone enlighten me as this is a dillema that is keeping me awake at night. find myself on comp and avoiding the obvious.so is the best thing i could have done or is second time around a no no?

  • For what's it's worth here is my opinion puzzled2. You have to trust your gut instict, the little voice inside your head, and if you're like me that little voice is actual spiritual guidance. Don't ignore it! There is a reason why you are apprehensive, do not second guess yourself. Sometimes it's easier to just pretend everything is all right, but, in the end, it really isn't and it comes back and bites you in the a_ _. Good luck.

  • I'm a great believer in gut instinct too,puzzled2. I admire you for becoming friends again with your ex....but do you really love him to share his bed again....I understand the unconditional love bit....but do you really "fancy" him? Listen to your heart & think of yourself. Perhaps you should spend some time "courting" again....if this relationship is going to work then you need to effectively start again rather than carrying on where you left off...surely the problems that arose to cause your split in the first place need addressing too. I can understand you feeling apprehensive I would be feeling it too. Good luck whatever direction you take.

  • Otherwoman - Is this really what you want to be (the 'other' woman)? Take a stand of no sexual contact as long as he's married. If he's for real, he'll respect your stand and get out of his current situation.

    Puzzled2 - I couldn't agree more with Myviewpoint and Rnrchick. Your instincts are already telling you 'what it is' . Please don't doubt them. Sometimes people and situations come into our lives not because they are what we are looking for, but to test us and, if applicable, to teach us where we still need to grow. Sometimes while we are putzing around with what we later realize was a huge mistake, the better choice will cross our path and, because we are otherwise preoccupied, we cannot pursue it.

    My experiences have at least taught me a few things: Not getting involved physically with a guy until you know him -- very well -- isn't 'prudish'. It's common sense and self-preservation. Especially in this day and age. I have come to realize that men don't value what comes too easily to them. They NEED to work for something to appreciate it. Also, for both men and women, it takes time for the rose tint in our glasses to fade and to see the other person, not for what we hope they are, but as they really are. This process usually takes several months. You need to see him/her in several different settings, around different people, without the fog of being involved sexually, in order to see who he/she really is.

    For those of us whose fathers (or mothers, as the case may be) weren't around during our 'formative' years (or who were around, but in the wrong way) these are hard, difficult lessons. We must learn to value ourselves enough to never settle for someone who does not value us and who will not treat us with dignity and respect.

  • thankyou mrchick for your reply. i understand what you are saying, i have always paid attention to my' gut instincts', and have felt that the choice i made was the correct one for the lessons that i still have to learn.i have recently lived on my own for about 12months and have had some time to consider what i had to do and when my ex came to see me it was almost like starting again and the 'courting' stage began when my ex suggested it himself and i agreed that it would take some time to get back they way things had been so many years ago, but we both decided this was the best course to take.i would not share the same room as him until we had a new bed and the bedroom and old things had been removed.i now share the same bed but with no physical contact until we are ready to make that commitment again. this may seem strange but we both feel the same about it although he is disappointed that we have not had any physical contact ,he has been very understanding and not going to make things difficult. we both slept very well and have not been worried as to when things will improve.thankyou also areopea for your reply men do need to have to work for something and that is certainly what is required in this situation. i have had some counselling during my time alone and this has taught me that things do have to be earned and previous relationships have taught me some invauable lessons . i became a stronger person and learned to live with my mistakes i think that my ex husband is going to have to do the same.he does value me more than he did and realises that but in regard to respect and dignity he may have to learn this himself if we are to become better, even though we were married for 24rys previously.you think you know someone but there is always something new to learn from each other.

  • hi otherwoman. I understand. I'm dating a m.m. too and his relationship at home is room-mate only. separate rooms for last 15 years. We've found companionship, great chemistry, and hope. My husband left me for another woman and my heart was shattered into a million pieces. I thought I could never love again. I'll never let my heart love like I loved my husband, but it's my time to enjoy my man's companionship and physical relationship. I've told my daughter, mother and father and close friends. My dad says "be careful" - my mother says "enjoy" and I say, thank you God for this wonderfully romantic, sensitive, generous man - the man who helped me love again. I'm not looking for permanency, his wife is his life mate - I'm looking for exactly what he brings to the table.

  • Hi Puzzled2, I had to say this seeing how I'm an Aquarius, as you. Aquarius lives in the mind. So, if your ex understands this, he will give you time and space. We kind of like to listen and wait to see before diving in. When we're ready, we're ready. It sometimes doesn't follow a very logical path. Seems we are striving for the best in any situation. If it doesn't look like it's going to go down the right path--just don't wait too long to decide the right outcome.

  • I just would like to know how do you know that your being told the truth about a relationship between a husband and wife? You maybe told a lot of things but are they the truth. I know we would like to believe their not just telling us what we want to hear. Like the mm who says that his situation is separate rooms for the last 15 years? What proof do you have that its that way. And what man would stay in a relationship like that for that long? I don't know if I could be so trusting myself. That and I don't want to be second. I like being first and if I can't be first with him then I will be first with someone else. I hope that doesn't sound like ego. I feel we deserve that especially if we put them as being number one. Second fiddle not going there.

  • LibrasLair, must be a Libra thing, because I totaly agree with your post...I will not be 'second fiddle' again. I once had an affair with a mm, and he said all the right things to me, about us, and all the right things that were 'wrong' about his marriage. I fell completly in love with him, truly believing he would soon leave his wife. Then low and behold, his house was up for sale, and they were buying a brand new one! Naturally I inquired about it! He claimed they had been planning it for years, so how could he 'suddenly' tell her they couldn't buy it? Guess you all know 'The Rest of the Story'....they bought, and moved into their new home, he never left her, had no intention of ever doing so, and I was left holding a huge, heavy, broken heart. NEVER again will I ever settle for 'second best'......it just isn't worth it.......

  • rebel50, you will be glad to know it's not a "Libra" thing, cause I'm a Gemini and I completely agree with both of you Libra's. Married men lie through their teeth, and it's all for just one reason and we know what that reason is. All you women out there that are willing to play second fiddle and participate in a married man's lies are not doing the wives in this mess any favors. How could any of you do this to the wives. We are suppose to stick together in this crazy world. I have been on the receiving end of an affair, and when I found out about my husbands indecencies, I too was shattered into a million pieces, and thought I would never recover. I could never wrap my mind around what the other women was thinking. My story ended a little differently that most story's of affairs. My husband did acutally leave me and marry this other women, and they are still together today, so maybe it was destiny or that all I had to learn from that marriage was done. It doesn't really matter, the point is I was commited and he broke my heart, I thought I would never recover, and to be totally honest a part of me never has.

    I need to reitorate this one more time, WOMEN PLEASE don't help these poor excuses of a husband, person, or man, sway you into thier lair of deceit.

  • Myviewpoint.....I have been on both sides of this nasty fence...my 1st husband cheated on me the whole 7 years we were married. The only good thing to come from that marriage is my 2 children. 25 years later, when this married man started to 'court' me, I was flattered. I didn't 'give in' till about 3 years later. He had been working me the whole time...I loved the attention...it lasted a year....then I said what ta hell?? Never in my life will I ever do it again....It was a huge lesson for me to be the 'other woman', and , as weird as it may sound, I know now it was not totaly the 'other womans' fault in my husbands affairs....it is the men who do most of the 'leading'..Myviewpoint, I am so sorry you had to go through that with your husband..as one who has been the 'other woman' I truly apologize for your hurt.....

  • Once again, I agree with Myviewpoint and the Libras!

  • It's Otherwoman again. One thing I forgot to mention in my initial statement is that right now he lives in New York & I live in Florida. We email, correspond by mail & call each other 5 days a week. We have seen each other 3 times in the past year (2008-2009).

    When he first returned to my life I was thrilled to see him. I wanted to kiss him, hold his hand while walking my dog and even considered "jumping his bones" but didn't. We became friends again before we realised that we were falling in love again. We didn't move to the next level for about 11/2 to 2 years. It's been tough to be in this level but we have done it & survived.

    His wife is an alcoholic, had physically abused their 1st kid while he was a baby. Has emotionally abused the entire family for the past 30 years, has accused him of having affairs with co-workers or boss (not true) and generally made everyone's life totally miserable. No one of his family like or respect her in any way. She has alienated everyone.

    I have urged him to go to AlAnon for help & have even urged him to try to forgive her past actions but when he's tried to she verbally slaps him down. After 36 years he has gone from "I love her" to "I don't want to be married to her for the rest of my life" .

    We both feel that there have been SO many portents and signs showing us that our parents (all deceased) realise that they made a mistake years ago & want us to be together again forever.

  • You're right! He could be lying to me. My intuition and my knowledge of him from H.S. says the same thing, he's not lying. He IS hurting though. He married out of desperation and has stayed married out of fear. She has threatened him a few times with "you divorce me & I'll make your life miserable."

    He doesn't want to be a burden to any other woman and I understand this. I may not be to happy with things as they are right now but I'm willing to wait. His friendship means that much to me. I think I need that more than the sex!

  • To Rebel50

    I got a sympathy card from him when my husband died. Couldn't answer it for 2 years ( 17 funerals in 1 year made it mentally impossible). When I found the card again I answered it & we just talked on the phone before seeing each other. WHen he arrived at my house, my knees melted. I wanted to kiss him and/or "jump his bones" but convention made me not act. We were friends for about 2 years before I moved to FL. It wasn't until I had lived in FL for a year before I realised that I loved him & nother 6 months before we took our relationship to the next level. That has happened 3 separate times but we still talk to each other every day.

    We find that we act like 2 giddy school kids in love not like 2 60 somethings.

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