New Member Looking for Truth

  • I have had some really tragic things happen to me in the last couple of years and some good things too.

    I find my self at a cross-roads and I am doubting myself and my decisions.

    I need insight yes and mayhap a bit of counseling as well.

    I have many worries that at times I have thought would subside or I could solve, but I find that my proverbial shoulders are heavy and my mind is bogged down.

    Anything at all that anyone can pass on to me, would be helpful.

    Thank you so much in advance....

  • still here

  • Tell me what worries you the most.

  • Quilter, I drew a Tarot card for you. Your card is the asteroid Ophelia.

    Ophelia represents someone who has allowed other people to do her thinking for her. Of all the pivotal characters in Shakespeare’s play ‘Hamlet‘, Ophelia is the most static and one-dimensional. She has the potential to become a tragic heroine -- to overcome the adversities inflicted upon her -- but she instead crumbles into insanity, becoming merely tragic. She is the epitome of goodness - she returns the love shown to her by her family tenfold, and couples it with complete and unwavering loyalty. Her whole character is that of simple unselfish affection. Ophelia defends her husband Hamlet and loves him to the very end, despite his brutality. She is incapable of defending herself, but we see clearly her intense suffering. Her frailty and innocence work against her as she cannot cope with the unfolding of one traumatic event after another. She is so used to having someone else solve all her problems for her that she cannot cope by herself. But she possesses great courage, intelligence and strength, if she only could see it.

    Most people don't know the answer to the question, "How are you? How do you feel?" The reason why they don't know is that they are so busy feeling what they are supposed to feel, thinking what they are supposed to think, that they never get down to examining their own deepest feelings. "How did you like the play?" "0h, it was a fine play. It was well reviewed in The New Yorker." With authority figures like critics, politicians, teachers, spouses, and parents telling us what to think and how to feel, many of us are busy playing roles, fulfilling other people's expectations. As Republicans, we think what other Republicans think. As Catholics, we think what other Catholics think. And so on. Not many of us ask ourselves, "How do I feel? What do I think?" - and then wait for an answer. Psychologist Carl Jung describes this dependence on others for one's thoughts in his discussion of "individuation" - individuation is the process of learning to differentiate oneself from others. It is a psychological "growing up." It means to discover those aspects of the self that distinguish one person from another. Failure to achieve individuation leaves people dependent on other, stronger personalities for their identity. They fail to understand their own uniqueness.

    Quilter, it's time you recognised your own uniqueness and asked yourself what you really feel and want. The card of Ophelia is about those who are overly concerned with being accepted and obedient to the authority figures in their lives, or becoming anxious due to their concern about how others see them. These people should be more concerned with how they see themselves and they need to go their own way, regardless of what others think.

  • I am sorry Captain that I missed your responses to my post.,

    I had to go out of town for a few days and didn't get back to my pc until tonight.

    I find the card you pulled for me very insight-full and interesting.

    I worry the most that I am out of work and do not know how I am going to pay next months rent, or my utilities and food.

    I worry that my choices I have chosen in my life has caused great pain to others in my life, that in fact, I have tried to help.

    I have become depressed, irritable and agitated, seemingly over nothing at all, or things that I wouldn't have taken to strongly in the past.

    My heart is broken over death, displacement and despair. I am at a point in my life where I should be more secure and settled, yet because of the things that have been happening, I have lapsed or recoiled into something I have never been before and the only thing that comes to mind for me is, coward, weak, worthless.

    No matter my good intentions, no matter my positiveness that I have had pouring out of me, all comes back negative and discouraging.

    Perhaps I am a person who is ruled by others, I am not sure, and as far as knowing the answer to what I want, well that is a mystery to me at this moment in time.

    Because, if I knew what I wanted and how to find out that answer, I sure would not be feeling the way that I do these days. I would not feel I have no purpose on this planet any more, that I am no more then wasting space.

    Yes, I know, I am feeling sorry for myself, which makes me feel even less of a person, because that too is not a practice I have lived by, but some how is all that occures now.....i feel the darkness and I am slowly being swallowed, and I have no life savor to pul me out, not even one of my own making, or from anyone else, for that matter........I am alone, those I love are gone......whymust I stay? This is the question I keep wondering and replaying in my mind.

  • Quilter,

    I haven't logged on for a while and literally stumbled across your post.

    From a personal perspective, I have empathy with how you are feeling.

    I have been going through some devastating experiences of the last year which continue. I have days of despair, days of apathy and days of "I cannot /must not give up". I try to be positive and on a practical basis, I accept each day for the day it is and not concern myself with tomorrow (easier said than done at times!). But I ground myself by knowing that the future IS out there and it WILL NOT be the same as today and it CANNOT be any worse than the present.

    Don't isolate yourself, you are NOT alone. Go see your doctor for a start and be COMPLETELY HONEST and say how you are feeling. There is support for you, you will at a minimum cope and in time do more than just cope.

    Hope this helps a little and PLEASE hang on in there. There is a poem on youtube that I play when I am feeling low:

    It usually makes me cry at first but then I get it out of my system for the day....

    Thinking of you Dx

  • Thank you Dx, like you I do those things as well. I have no doctor, nor insurance to obtain one. I moved 500 miles away from where I lived most of my life, because I was trying to move forward in a positive way. Now, I am worse off then I was. I lost my home of 13 years, death has taken people that were close to me and well I just feel that I have done this to myself.

    I am just not the person I use to be and I am having a hard time finding that person again, or finding the person I was meant to be.

    It helps to have someone to talk to about what is going on with me.

  • I wish I had some hope that there was something better coming my way, some hint of something to hold on to. I just can't see it right now. With this engulfment that I am trying to get off of me, that continues to get heavier every day.

    I am sorry, I will stop posting here my selfishness of feeling sorry for myself, I know there are others suffering as much as, or even more then I am.

  • Quilter,

    Please don't stop posting and you are not being selfish nor did you do this to yourself!!!. We have trod a similar path and that's why I probably feel so much empathy.

    If you have no doctor is there an alternative free service such as Samaritans / Befrienders Worldwide or similar?? They tend to be a listening ear if you are feeling low and if they are not the most suitable organization can point you towards a better alternative.

    I will keep an eye out for your posts and whilst I might not be able to offer much help, please remember that there are others who are able to offer some support which might be all you need at a particular point in time.

    I wont be trite in giving you any nuggets of perceived wisdom, but hang on in there.

    Thinking of you, Dx

  • Quilter, you do have a life saviour - yourself - you just don't believe in yourself. Your words here put yourself down all the time - you have no trust in your strength or abilities so of course you keep failing as you wait for someone else to ride in and save you. Meanwhile, everyone is just trying hard to save themselves. You EXPECT to fail, therefore you do. Try starting every day with a spoken positive affirmation - "Today is the day i succeed because I am a clever and capable person." Even if you don't believe it at first, keep saying it and eventually you will believe it. You must reverse all that negative thinking. Nothing good ever comes out of negativity.

    Now make a list of the things you want and ways you can get them right now. It's time for you to take action.

  • Well no one has ever saved me, nor have a looked for someone too, I had a friend tell me to try and get a reading to get some insight. She has had a reading and it helped her on some things she wasn't sure about in her life.

    This same friend told me to stop trying to save everyone else and start thinking of myself, so that sounds a lot like what Captain was saying.

    That is also why she suggested for me to seek a reading of some sort, or talk to a psychic.

  • I have pulled myself out of one proverbial hole after another. I have given strength to all in my life, until I had to claim my strength for myself. I had to say NO when others problems began to weigh me so far down that I had no strength for me. I find myself always and forever helping someone else and finding me only depending on me, when there was something I needed.

    I have got to find away to balance this because my shoulders are getting to old to continue this way.

  • My husband killed his self within 14 days of me telling him if he couldn't get help for his drinking, I couldn't live this way any more. His family and some of his friends blamed me for his death, his family even tried to implicate me in his shooting. Even though I was at home with a friend and one of his workers was working on a car in our backyard. He was at his brothers estranged wife's house in her barn when he did this. Two days prior to the shooting, I had him arrested because he attacked my 18 year old son and took out the fuses to the central air unit, cut the wires on the pump that pumped water in to our house and threatened to cut the electric and run over my car with a backhoe. 13 years I tried to be supportive and help him. Yet, I was the one to blame. I am still very hurt and angry by it all. Not just for myself, but for my kids as well. I spent a year and a half trying to save my house from going into foreclosure after he killed his self and left me with nothing. No life insurance, no savings and in total bankruptcy, including 7000 dollars in federal taxes and 2400 in state taxes. Now I am struggling to survive, that is why I am depressed, that is why I am tired. Two weeks ago my car was hit from behind by a dump truck. How in Gods name I wonder, is any of this my fault, or me depending on someone else to save me? If that is the description of dependency, I am very confused...

  • Quilter,

    I came upon this post tonight and read through it. Your most recent posting really resonates with me. Not that my ex committed suicide, but that he was an alcoholic who did some really bad things. I too left him (this was many years ago) and the night I did he was holding a loaded 357 magnum gun to my head. In that moment I just knew I needed to get away. I also had to leave my 3 year old daughter there with him as he was refusing to allow me to take her with me. I was able to find my dad that evening and he was able to talk to my ex and make sure my little girl (she's 33 now) would be okay. I left town and went to my grandmother's home about 150 miles away. She was not very understanding and pretty much chewed me up and spat me out for leaving my daughter. I explained that if I hadn't, it was likely that I wouldn't be around to raise her and that knowing my ex as I did, that he would call within a couple days and ask me to come back and pick up my child. He did exactly that. I did and left again, telling him that our marriage was over and I was filing for divorce.

    I'm sorry your late husband's family was so non-supportive. In the years you and he were together, they (his family) had to have known of his addiction, but kind of sounds like they were blind to it. This is very unfortunate, because together perhaps, you all could have gotten help for him and this would not have happened. So very sad.

    Financially, I too am struggling to get by each day. Life has been very hard on me too, but I am trying to remain positive. I've been out of work for just under 2 years and would never have thought I'd be in this situation at this time in my life. However, I do have some positive things that I'm looking forward to and even though I get really down some days, I keep looking at those positive things. I pay my bills as best I can and even though I am and have always been helpful to others, I just have to let them know that I have to cover my expenses first; otherwise I have nowhere to live. They understand and you know, it all works out.

    You mentioned your car was hit by a dump truck. Did they hit your car while you were driving it? Was it parked? Did you see it and contact the owner? Sounds like their insurance should be either paying to have your vehicle repaired or if totaled, buy you another.

    Quilter, none of this is your fault. You must stand up for yourself and not let these things that are out of your control defeat you and break your spirit. I know it is hard, and believe me, much easier said than done, however, you must find the strength within you to change your mind about your self and release the attachment to the blame for these unfortunate incidents.

    Please keep posting here and communicating. There are many wonderful, understanding people here who care deeply about everyone and their concerns. I'm confident you'll find support here and some nuggets of inspiration.

    Much love and light,


  • Just happened to see this, both of you ladies are very brave and like many have had some horrible things happen, believe it or not I'm sure there are many horror stories out there and they can all be worse. Taurus 57 It's good that you can still find something positive to focus on in spite of the bad things that happen in life. I belive in fact I KNOW that are job here on earth is to overcome all adversities that come into our lives and I know that sometimes it's extremely hard but inside of all of us at our core is the strength to continue, to forgive and to heal and one day look back and realize that in there somewhere was a life lesson. I'm thinking of the title, "A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES. Thats all they are, don't own any of it, other than yea, that happened to me but I'm still here, my life has a purpose and maybe later down the line I will understand all. They say we choose our lives before we incarnate, we choose our lessons, I feel your pain trust me, I have been there too in more ways than one but you cannot give up, think of the Phoenix which rises from the ashes of life and say "Still I Rise."

    Change your thinking, thought process and you will change your life, remain optimistic no matter what, and watch and see how your life will improve, I'm a living testomony of that, God's Grace is for all, His love is unconditional don't care what you did in the past, today is a new day, everyday. They say if you want help, you have to ask because of "free will" So ask.

    The bad news is that whatever lessons you don't learn in this incarnation, you have to relive it again, so I would suggest not doing anything stupid. I'm praying for you guys and pray for me also, i'm just a human being, living, learning and growing sometimes suffering but such is life.

    Here is a nice protection prayer:


    P.S. Keep on keeping on, you can do it!

  • Poetic555,

    Thank you so much for your words of inspiration and positive message. 🙂 I have moved on from that very traumatic time in my life (with the ex) and this challenge I am dealing with; it is just that - another of life's challenges. Yes, it has been hard and many lessons to learn, but I'm still here, have my home, have food and utilities, so I am most grateful for each and every day. 🙂

    I am very worried about Quilter as she seems so despondent in her words on this and some other threads. I thought about her all through the night last night and hope that today finds her well and feeling somewhat better. If she can just make it a point to allow herself to feel a little better each day, keep posting on this site and talking to the wonderful people here, I am confident she'll pull through this. My thoughts and prayers are with her. She is really having a hard time with all the guilt she has taken on for this tragedy that was none of her fault.

    Thank you again for the beautiful prayer and your warm and kind message. 🙂

    Blessings and light to you,


  • Quilter, in my original post about Ophelia, I said "She has the potential to become a tragic heroine -- to overcome the adversities inflicted upon her -- but she instead crumbles into insanity, becoming merely tragic." You have a choice - to go either way. In order to succeed and survive, you must live your life not by traditional or other people's ways but what works for YOU, even if it goes against what others or society may think you should do. You have to draw on your gut instincts here - any calamities in your life have occurred because you were stuck in doing things the 'right' way according to social or familial thinking (such as sticking with an alcoholic spouse). The Universe is trying to get you the message to start thinking and doing for yourself, according to what is right for you, nobody else. Put aside any guilt feelings heaped on you wrongly by others - this is what attracts misfortune, thinking you somehow deserve it. And stop helping others so much and help yourself for a change. If you give all your energy and power away, how will you have any 'gas' left to get your own life going?

  • 🙂

  • you need your chakras cleared and new energies surrounding you. New energies could be new people or new candles. Your candles are old buy new ones. Everything emits. You'll feel better once you have them cleared. You can pray or pay.

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