Cancer man, and he is confusing

  • Okay, so I just joined this forum because I am sitting here having been stood up for the uptenth time by my Cancer guy. It seems like you all seem to know more than I do so I thought I would ask for some help before I cry myself to sleep...again. I have been dating my Cancer man for 3.5 years. At first we only saw each other about once a month because we lived in different states. It would go really well for awhile and then...and always after we had a GREAT date...he would just take a powder. Sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for months. Then there he is again. When we would see each other it was like he forgot we were ever apart. Now, he is very private. His marriage ended 10 years ago and it was nasty. He has been raising his kids on his own and he keeps his homelife very private. I finally moved to his state this past September. Our first date after that was fantastic. We talked like crazy. He really opened up about his kids, his life, etc. Told me how fantastic I was...on and on. He even talked about all the things we could do now that we lived so close. guessed it...nothing! Gone again. I actually deleted his number this time I was so upset. Of course, after 8 months of missing him, I found his number again and when I got ahold of him he said he had really missed me. He was so affectionate. Sweet and perfect. He said to call him and he promised to answer. Then nothing for a month. We just went out again last weekend. It was fantastic. I told him I needed to be on the same page with him. He said we were but he was damaged goods. I told him it didn't matter. We seemed to have finally reached the boyfriend/girlfriend steady part of the relationship. He offered to take me out tonight for my birthday. No go! He ignored my calls all week and then said he was unavailable. I am heartbroken. Now, I know he hasn't dated anyone else but me in the past 3.5 years because we have the same friends and run in the same circles. It is very hard to get him to talk about anything so I know when he tells me something it takes a lot out of him and is the truth. He told me last weekend that there was no other girl for him but me. I really love this guy and this is all breaking my heart in two. I have tried the whole staying away thing...letting him come to me...but it doesn't work. He is stubborn and doesn't think he deserves to be happy. I have done everything to show him how much I care for him. I don't know what else to do. Please help.

  • OK this is really to bizare. My cancer mans name starts with a J too.

  • Hi Y'all!

    j3d it is funny that you say Joey will play around and act like he drop kicks you and elbows you because that is another thing we have in common. Jeremy is playful like that with me with the exception that he is 6'2 and easily 200 lbs of muscle and I am 5'5, 120 lbs and he will literally pick me up and gently toss me around like I'm a sack of potatoes or something, throw me over his shoulder all kinds of stuff! At times I feel like a toy for him-not in the kinky sense either.

    Jeremy definately comes across as a bad boy, and certainly he is never perceived as shy LoL! You can hear him laughing a mile away! We really do have a great time together. Sometimes I am suprised that my face is not sore the next day from smiling and laughing. I am just floating today with happiness because of this man! I am not trying to rub my good luck in anyone's face--but I can't resist being able to talk about ALL the things that happen with us not just the negative, you know? Especially in a place my elation can be understood.

    Also someone might gain some insight from sharing the good because something might trigger (like the drop kick) and help somebody see similarities and draw from the positive. As is my Virgo nature to try and be everyone's problem solver 😉

    I appreciate being able to discuss him this way, as I said my friends are probably beyond tired of his name coming from my mouth constantly. I have had the one girl, whom I am no longer speaking with for reasons totally unrealted to him, say to me that he was no good, average, blah, blah and she couldn't understand why I would let him get to me. I read where someone posted they had done a tarot reading and I forget the card, 9 of coins? but they said " I know who that is and I should not discuss anything about him with her" that statement ended up being so applicable for me. I would confide my truest feelings about him and ask her not to repeat them to him did NOT want to inflate that ego of his. At one time she portrayed that she was trying to protect me and told him things I had said, and mostly when I was being insecure so that made it worse. After all mine and her issues exploded I was to discover that his wanting to have that talk with me last Friday-with him looking pained because he didn't want to say anything that hurt me-was pretty much a direct result of her. Long story short she pretty much had the man thinking I was desperate to marry him and even though I am 100% a smitten lost cause she spoke way out of turn.

    I am gonna submit this post and begin a new one since a couple of times others lost long posts.

    I would have wanted to run away from the scenario she painted too!

  • kmjsessica this is bizarre- 4 of us with J's!!

  • snflwe04: Even though it probably won't make you feel better I wish you happy birthday. This board will really, really help ease some of your pain and anxiety. You are here with women who totally empathize with you. And feel free to post over and over how sad, mad, happy, etc., you are. This is certainly the place to discuss your guy and not have anyone wish you'd shush about him!

    What I did to seem to get to my happy place I've been in "this" week with Jeremy is re-read the posts, and pour my heart out and read every thing I can find about the Cancer man. As I said I am preparing for his next episode of aloofness or whatever term you want to use.

    I guess for me finding out there is more than just me in this situation, comparing similarities and differences of our situations and mostly grasping that once you pass the "tests" and gain their trust with patience and sometimes distance and exposing my vulnerable side sometimes seems to be part of the key to being in less turmoil.

    KarmaCutie: Funny that it sounds like they ARE the same guys!

    Memasun: Glad to hear you seem to be discovering your groove. I swear the being mysterious and putting no pressure on Jeremy works best for me. Remember last night I said how I hoped he would be at the bar or call me from home? Well he wasn't at the bar when I got there and by midnight I was beginning to fret since he hadn't called. At 12:15, I get a text message and it was from him!!! Needless to say I went ahead paid my tab out and went to his house to watch movies! He was very talkative, I noticed he did mention the ex-wife a couple times in relation to something he was telling about his kids, but I did not let myself bristle up this time; he also talked about his father and their relationship which seeing as they ARE private when it comes to home/family I considered a big + We stayed up and talked from 1:45 until 4:00 and when we did go to bed, both sober, OMG we had the most sensual and tender [love]making experience ever. After too, he told me how happy he was that I was there and he held me all night long.

    I would have to say for two people that are NOT dating or in a serious relationship that whether he wants to admit it outloud to me, that man IS in love with me, there is no way you can share the kind of kisses we had without deep feelings running through both of us. If there is it floors me!

    He also made mention this a.m. while we were lying there spooning and dozing in and out that there was an extra key in a trinket box on the entertainment center. I did not yet get that key placed into my hand as we drifted back to sleep and then he overslept and had to get up and rush some. I will be very curious to see if/when I get it.

    He also said last night that he wants my son and a couple of his friends to come over so we can BBQ again soon. He is getting his kids tonight so I have the peace of mind to be able to go home after work and not have to wonder...

    I truley hope that I am not bringing more pain to you who are having an off time with your guy by telling all this. I can't help it, after last weekend having been spent spilling a bucketful of tears and raw nerves to the point of nausea-even though it was all due to the vicious manner my so called friend chose to treat me and I did not know that at the time--I am hoping the best for everyone here and will gladly lend my ear tonight if I can comfort you.

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  • Thanks for the B-day wishes! j3d: It wasn't easy going 8 months. I got upset with him after a week of no responses and in a fit of flustration, deleted his number from my phone. I knew that in order to call him again I would have to actually look through my phone bills and find his number. The 8 months were horrible. I missed him so much. I have tried to date other people, but I keep going back to him. I finally went through the bills and text him. He immediately wanted to see me and we had a great reunion. He said that he had deleted my number too because I was upset with him for not getting back to me. Strange...all he had to do was tell me he was busy, or just something, but because he ignored me I got upset and then so did he. It's so confusing sometimes. Last weekend was so fantastic. We had a great talk. He told me he would always answer when I called and that there was no other girl for him, then WHAM nothing. He totally ignored every call and every text this week. I did text him this morning and asked about tonight, but his response was "he couldn't make it". I admit, I got mad and let it out. That's our pattern. We have a great time, then he ignores me, I get mad, stay away for awhile, then text him, we make plans, have a great time (he always acts like nothing ever happened - he even acts like he just saw me the other day!) then it starts all over again. It's exhausting.

    I see that alot of you have the same issues. Any suggestions? I don't understand how much more understanding I can be.

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  • j3d: Yaay for you!!!! Except for the freakin' shavin' & showering LoL. I hope your night is as great as mine was last night. Ever heard that song Passionate Kisses? You (all) deserve it 😉

    I don't know about Aries but I somehow I think that being a Virgo enables me to develop a sort of patience; I am a computer analyst for my work and analytical by nature. I love to observe people and this sounds kind of devious and I never intended it to be but I have found it very useful to "learn" someone quietly and calmly then if I ever need to I can out smart them a lot of the time by getting in their heads before I let them inside mine.


    I think it would be very beneficial and entertaining if we can commiserate with each other along the way. Nonetheless we have our support here! I still thank God to have found y'all, seems too that things have improved since I can come here and read and vent or let my heart sing.

    It seems as we are getting more familiar with one another too we are getting into some discussion of other parts of our lives besides these J's and the rest of the Cancer alphabet. That to me seems healthy that we are at least channeling some thoughts elsewhere!

    I for once was able to come home from work tonight and get on my brand new Dell Studio 1 computer to the site and DO NOT feel insecure about Jeremy. He didn't go to the bar this evening. I feel very secure as to where my place with him is... Watch me get slammed by some **** tomorrow, see I am going to keep a little guard up.

    I noticed too that everyone of us keeps getting mad because we feel ignored. I am also learning from what I read about these Cancer men that I should not take it personally it is their mood and they are watching for ways to be able to trust. Or that is how I feel Jeremy is "workin" for lack of a better word and the calmer I am the better it is for me.

    Being able to come here helps me not miss him as much when I'm not with him.

    j3d Looking forward to hearing from you. Keep us posted.

    snflwer04 I hope some of this rambling helps you and I will be up several hours and will check back to see if you post. I read on MSN's site dating and relationship articles/boards several useful things for relationships/guys period. One was to call them by their name at some unexpected or intimate moment and that you will stick in their minds better. It said no nickname's; my J's is "Sugarlip's" ha ha....

  • snflwr04.....Happy Birthday woman!!! It can be rather draining to keep up with these Cancers....always testing you, your reactions to their behavior. It seems that most of them have been hurt and deeply at that. They have been in some kind of not that I want to say violent but maybe not so kind is what I'm looking for. Upheavel is the word, where there have been angry voices and screaming and been made to feel bad about themselves, that is why they test our reactions. First you have to look in the mirror directly into your own eyes and tell yourself you will get through this. Then tell yourself you are beautiful. Everyday, it is hysterical the first time you do this.LOL Know in your heart that you are a wonderful woman and that each day that passes that he doesn't connect with you is a day of happiness he looses. And really mean it when you say it. Keep repeating that mantra over and over. I callled my Wizard yesterday, left a message but never heard back from him all day or night. I had a Cancer Relay to do thank God cuz it kept me busy but low and behold as I opened up this forum guess who IMs me to say G-morning. We chatted a bit but I am aloof and never respond to his last transmission. Keep them guessing, my Mom told me that 30 years ago and who ever wants to admit that their mother was right...LOL..... well she was. The more aloof I am the more he gives me(emotionally). He callled two days ago after 8 pm to ask me if I was interested in some clamboil in July....he was with the person putting it on and called right away....I didn't call him!!! I hope the pep talk helps you...I hate to see someone in soo much pain...but when you take control of you, you will feel better. Trust me I dated different men too...and no-one measured up to my Wizard!!! Talk soon always memasun57

  • snflwer04

    Its so strange reading your posts. Ive been through the same exact thing with my cancer. He says the same things to me and then I dont hear from him for a week. If I didnt know better it sounds like the same guy. But we have been saying that all along. I wish I could give you some advice, But I just recently gave up on mine. The other women on here are wonderful and have great advice and alot of experience with thier cancers. Its great to have this forum to come to. Nice to know your not the only one going through this. So when you get frustrated we are all here. Just leave a post. It really helps.

  • snflwer04

    For the sake of saying it yet again. Your guy and mine sound like the same man. He has done the exact thing to me. I got mad at him one time because we were spose to get together and I text to tell him if he was to busy to let me know cuz I could make other plans. Well he never did till like 2 hours later. That was a one time we didnt talk again for a long while. And then he tells me that we should start dating again. and I dont hear from him for a week later. Ugg. I wish I could give you some advice but I just gave up and told him I didnt want any contact with him anymore. But the other women that are on here are wonderful. And have alot of experience with there cancers. If you ever get frustrated just come here. We are all here willing to listen.

    As you can see Im still coming back here. It will take me a long time to get over him. But coming to this forum is helping me cope with not seeing and talking to him. But I must be strong. There is another guy that is interested in me and If I dont get over my cancer guy I wont give this other guy a chance. And I might miss out on a really good thing. Or I might meet someone else this summer and not be interested cuz Im still to into my cancer guy. I dont want to miss a thing. So as I said you'll like this forum, we're all here for you.

    And for all the rest of you

    Im so happy that things are going well with your men. It just goes to show that you can be happy with a cancer. Even though some times its up and down. Hopefully more times are up.

  • Ok thats wierd I thougt I lost that first post. So thats why I repeted myself


  • I've been dating a Cancer for 3 months now. I'm talkative. I have this habit that I will ask him a question and if he takes too long to answer, i go into my observations like " since my name is Michelle, I asked him " So do you have any family members or ex-girlfriends named Michelle/' he gave me that weary eye and I proceeded to tell him that almost every guy I've dated has either a relative or an ex named Michelle, the last guy I dated, who I call "Name Dropper, his ex wife's name is Michelle and his mom is a Scorpio, date was doomed from the beginning!" he laughs at me a lot and, i want him to. He has an ex wife that was a wench from hell. Now, me being a Scorpio, I can relate to holding on to hurt. I didn't seriously date for 12 years. men were a piece of fun for me. I was the one that decided that I want to feel like taking the risk of loving again. My Cancer is not ready to be in a "Serious relationship" but, he knows that I am. I even told him I know HE isn't ready. I dated different guys, up to a couple of weeks ago, they just kept getting on my friggin nerves with the lies. So, I stopped dating and decided to work on me! Now, before I came to the decision, I was ready to drop ALL males, including my Cancer friend. I had pointed out something logically but, also let him know I was having hurt feelings behind it. he apologized and came and got me, took me to his house and turned off all the lights so, I got into bed with him, he cuddled with me all night, next day I was somewhat better but, still hormonial and moody. He was STILL on the 2bX'd list until later in the day, he called me and asked if he could spend time with me later. We both deal well with each others mood swings and seem to know what to do! He knows that I am very long on patience, he knows I have this one thing that will make me drop a person in a heartbeat, standing me up. I don't mind if plans need to be changed so long as I get a call. He has seen me go online and block a persons number so they can't text me, after I have told that person that I don't tolerate that kind of disrespect, they are not worth my time. My Cancer friend and I will go about 3days without talking or seeing each other but, I'm like that with all my friends, some even longer. If I don't hear from him for a week, I just text "are you still alive?" and he might not respond that day or the next but, he will respond. he's a very private person and suspicious, I just learned last week, the name of one of his 2 sisters. I pointed out that we have been in each others company for 3 months and, he has to admit that I have been respecting is privacy. He thought about it and a little later told me about his fathers health condition. Now, I was in the medical field until after my mom passed, we did Hospice at home and I was her Hospice caregiver, my Cancer has known this from the first week we met. Him being able to open up and tell me that about his father and discuss things with me, was like a gift. I don't expect anymore, anytime too soon! he gave a little emotional self and he will hide in that cancer shell again for awhile. thats what they do. I don't get fustrated, I think of him as a mystery novel with all sorts of locks and codes on him that i have to figure out! while I'm a open book. I know i have to be in order for him to trust. he knows that because of my trusting him and his always being there when I need him, I have told him he would be easy to fall in love with, if I knew him better. He dumped me, i told him "yeah, that might be best because I want someone that wants me" I went out with another guy, it felt like it might work but, he stood me up for the second date ( guy with the ex named Michelle) i had been thinking about my Cancer anyway (guy took me to a restaurant 2 blocks from cancers house) so, i appealed to his reasonable side, i texted him "Now, you have to admit the you have warm feelings for me when we part ways, after spending time 2gether b4 you stuff them in your Cancer shell", at least admit it 2 urself' He texted back to give him a day. I texted take as long as you like cause i already know. Next night I texted goodnight and he admitted he 'Loves what we do and he missed me" AWWW!! lol. He came over and I see him every 4th day, if jobs allow! We seem to be redirected to each other too, we have something that needs to be done with each other. Growing a friendship with a Cancer is drama but, it doesn't have to be a melodrama!!! Keep your sense of humor and keep YOU! Don't waste all that effort on where he might be and if he's gone. Stop guessing and call, leave a message that "he popped into your head and your calling to say "Hi". And then, get on with your life!! and WHEN he calls, just sound happy to hear from him, DON"T interrogate! Cancers don't like needy or nosy and they can tell when your not being yourself. But, being happy when he not around takes a burden off him. When your only happy with him, he feels he will let you down, frankly that is too much weight for anyone to bear. And if your in a positive mood when he does contact you, it makes the moody Cancer want to be around you. Mine has come to my house early in the morning and seen me with no makeup, funky jammies and my hair looking like it's attacking me and yet, he still comes back! amazing!! I say that to him too!

    Oh yeah, I noticed that he loves me and I don't quite think he's realized it himself yet. love is a wonderful thing unto its self, it needs go no further. He will either get used to the feeling and enjoying it or go into hyperspaz and shutting himself in his shell for awhile! I"ll just keep doing what I do! I text him goodmorning most mornings and sometimes Goodnight but, my other friends and I do that too, he doesn't always text back but, that's just him!! He and I have had the conversation about love so he knows how I feel regarding my giving and not expecting it in return. I love all my friends past and present, that doesn't mean they will stay in my life! Enjoy your life journey, the Cancer man is just a part of it, don't let it be a emotional road block. There is something you are supposed to be learning about yourself when you interact and have intense relationships with other people. Don't wait on him, he's on his own journey. Sometimes we walk with others for years and sometimes it's only for a short time but, there is a reason for all who cross our paths and it is up 2 you if you want to see positive or negative in the experience!!!

  • Thank you so much, 2knowme, that is very helpful. I appreciate all the posts on here, as I have read the thread from the beginning. It has eased my mind and helped me to understand some things. Hehe, my Crab is named Joey, too!

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  • BINGO! He's scared! Let him know you'll take it nice and slow,,

  • 2knowme: Excellent!!!! I have been learning to conduct myself pretty much the way you have. I will admit that on my way to work I could not resist doing a "drive-by" at the bar we hang out at to see if he was there. He said he was getting his kids which wasn't a lie, sometimes though one of those days/nights they want to go to the grandparents house. He was not there. I haven't tried to make contact today nor has he, this is not unusual I do not want to infringe upon the time he has with them. He told me before that it didn't matter if I called and we talked briefly.

    I have a question that if anyone is out there I need an opinion on ASAP...

    My last boyfriend is in the military and Monday is heading for Iraq. We ended on friendly terms and yesterday he called to invite me to go shoot pool and drink with him, his girlfriend, and other people we hung out with when he and I dated. They ended up not going and now he is at the pool with his children and he wants me to come by and hang a little on my lunch break. I have every intention of seeing him, my question is this--Since Jeremy has been so admant that we are NOT dating (vocally) should I tell him I went to see this ex or just say nothing. It is at a public pool, he has 4 children, he is very committed to his girlfriend; nothing is going to happen. In a way I don't feel I am obligated one way or the other to account for my time, since I am technically "a free agent" 😉 BUT, I also don't want Jeremy to think I was trying to hide it from him either. If anyone see's this please give your opinion.

  • Well, I decided that I will casually mention to Jeremy that I went to the pool and met up with my ex. The deciding factor was right after I posted the above, I sent him just a hello text. I am not upset or mad about his not responding but it has been around 4 hours since I sent it.

    I am going to mention it to him, so I can further drive home HIS point, that we aren't dating. Eventually he will decide exactly what he wants with me; I only hope that if he decides to have a full blown relationship with a label on it, that my feelings have not dissipated.

    Years ago, I was in a similar situation but the man was not Cancer. He was non-chalant for probably about the same amount of time I've spent with J now and about the time I turned my feelings off he decided he was madly in love with me. I could never feel the same.

  • This is my first time to this forum and wow! Cancer men are really alike. I met this cancer man 7 years ago, and we spent an awesome week together; He even came over to my house and met my daughter and spent time with us. Then his business trip was over, we exchanged email addy's and off he went. We kept in loose contact via email these past 7 years. I recently moved to the west coast for work. We are not in the same state though. In one of the mails....he asks for my phone number and I gave it. Then for 8 months! we talked on the phone, weekly.

    I know his history, he shared everything with me about his life. He was hurt by 2 women, his mother and his ex-wife (20 years ago!). I understand he is afraid of being hurt again. Like everyone has said here, most of us move on......obviously Cancer Men find that hard.

    He invited me up for a long weekend and I went. The time I spent with him was precious. He told me that I get him and no other women do, in fact not even his friends "get him" like I do. I wanted to bust my heart out of my chest! But I knew better. I really played it cool. You know, the friend thing. I do consider him my friend and I do not push him. I hope that things progress, but I am not sitting around rotting waiting for him.

    We are intimate and have the greatest fun together, but like all the others I've read about on these posts, he doesn't call me like I call him. And when I call, I just say that I'm calling to let him know I'm thinking of him. I keep it very light.

    I like my freedom and so does he. But I truly believe we are right for each other and that time will work in our favor.

    By the way, it's his turn to visit me now and I'm really curious to see how long it will take for him to actually make the trip. I know his work keeps him busy and travelling like crazy around the nation and the world. So, I just bide my time and wait. But I don't put my life on wait.

    It's good just to post this and thanks everyone for your words.........they REALLY help!

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