Cancer man, and he is confusing



  • Katie1982: "it is only quarter to 9pm so im gonna answer now your long comment, though it will take time. LOL "

    FlowyAir: Hi Katie,

    Sorry for the long comment...don't wear yourself out on it. I tried to shorten it too,lol by not commenting on everything I wanted to..haha I guess I have so much going on inside right now and it is hard to sort through all of it.



  • first of all a remark that is not an answer to any of your comments, but rather a general belief if mine. actions speak louder than words. meaning i ALWAYS watch mine's non-verbal communication. not what he says/writes, but how he behaves when he is with me. you can play around with what you say etc... but in certain moments when you are together, how he looks at you, how he touches you, holds you, kisses you... i dont think that can be faked. so think about times you were together... are those non-verbal elements there? they should speak for themselves...

    FlowyAir: I know feelings as they grow more intense complicate things, but you would think if his feelings were growing for me it would further support reason to see this through to the end. I just don't get it.

    Katie: I agree on this one. but even if they grow stronger, they might wont show it upfront. you dont know what is inside them.

    FlowyAir: Btw, I am 33 and the Cancer guy is 31...

    Katie: i'm 28, he is 34.

    FlowyAir: Ultimately, I think he is looking out for himself in the end here as it seems he doesn't want to be the "cause" of people getting hurt. I don't think he wants to look like the bad guy here.

    Katie: of course he is looking out for himself. but that is kind of normal. have you ever been in a situation like that? cause me never. and i know that i would feel terrible even if i am not the real reason for breaking up a relationship. still...

    FlowyAir:you would think they would want to be with the one they love during these times, right?

    Katie: yes, it should be that way. but on the other hand go back to deep scary emotions. LOL xmas is especially a very intimate holiday... emotions can stir and rise high... so some people might be cautious about it. and yours might have felt bad too, cause even if he had wanted, he couldnt have spent the holidays with you.

    FlowyAir: Well you'll have to keep me posted on this as I just started doing this myself and thought it was working, but now he just dissappeared completely on me so I don't know. I total understand the logic behind it though.

    Katie: i will keep you posted about how mine goes. today the first time i sent him an angry email (part of it was angry) and now i'm getting silence treatment. LOL he just does not know i dont care that much about it. he can puff at home and think that im suffering now, cause I AM NOT. learned from earlier mistakes.

    and with yours... give it some time...

    FlowyAir: I'm trying it is hard last night I almost broke down and sent him a long text reassuring him of my plans- but I didn't. I no longer feel he is doing this because he doesn't want to be with me because of "my choice of seeing him while married." I think it is because.....

    Katie: or he just might generally feel uncomfortable with the situation. and he keeps out of it, thinking that it is your problem to solve... waiting that the waters calm down and you arrange your stuff.

    FlowyAir: Not sure how he could switch his feelings off like this.

    Katie: im not sure they are switched off at all. lot of people rather suffer and sink in their own s.h.i.t than show how bad they feel.

    FlowyAir: Has he told you he wants a family?

    actually before we got together we were on friend terms. and once he told me that he does not want children. can be that it is true, or back then he thought that way, cause i know for sure, that before meeting me, he has given up on finding a girl that would suit him and who would bear him with all his personality.... on the other hand once i was in a park sitting with him and little babies were climbing all around and one came there to us, and climbed up on us and he is very great in dealing with children. he doesnt freak out, he seemingly loves them. btw. he is a child therapist by profession. more times on the street while walking if there is a baby, he would say nicely: "look a cute baby". and when we were already together, once we talked about my (girl) friends. and i told they all are so successful in their works, careers... and look where i am. and he said, well you'll be successful in being a mother and that is more important. and told me more times that i am amazing and i will be a perfect mother. dont know what to think of it. i dont want children yet, not even planning it, so this question right now does not bother me. 🙂

    i know though that he does not have a too good relationship with his parents. (at least from here and there dropped remarks of him, i think so) and he lives in my country for like 3 years, hasnt gone home since then, not even one time. so go figure...

    Uncertainty is indeed a b.i.t.c.h. LOL have a nice day!



  • Katie1982:" you can play around with what you say etc... but in certain moments when you are together, how he looks at you, how he touches you, holds you, kisses you... i dont think that can be faked. so think about times you were together... are those non-verbal elements there? they should speak for themselves..."

    FlowyAir: I concur. His actions/vibes I get when together are what I use to measure his feelings for me and I him. It is undeniable to me. I mean there is lots of eye contact and the expression in his eyes says it all. He has never pressured me to get physical with him. We really like to just hold each other and it feels unbelievable - the way he describes it back to me is exactly how I feel too and when I relay how it feels to me he says that is what he also feels. He is very loving and gentle and will just sit there and stroke my arm and kiss it lovingly.. It's all very sweet and full of emotion. So yes the queues are there. 🙂 Too bad he isn't though.

    Katie1982: "yes, it should be that way. but on the other hand go back to deep scary emotions. LOL xmas is especially a very intimate holiday... emotions can stir and rise high... so some people might be cautious about it. and yours might have felt bad too, cause even if he had wanted, he couldnt have spent the holidays with you"

    FlowyAir:This comment makes me feel a whole lot better as the holidays can be quite painful when you can't be with those you love. So maybe after going through Thanksgiving and telling me he was sad about not being with me he just withdrew around Christmas - I never thought of it like that. Yes, and like you said the Holidays do bring out the emotions in us and they run high so... that may be why they are m.i.a.

    Katie1982: "Katie: or he just might generally feel uncomfortable with the situation. and he keeps out of it, thinking that it is your problem to solve... waiting that the waters calm down and you arrange your stuff.

    FlowyAir: Actually I was thinking and feeling this too, but for sake of spacing (lol) I didn't include it as a option.. I sense he is uncomfortable, but still not letting me know it or just out of the blue? I mean I go from getting a sweet email telling me how nice it was "being able to walk around" the mall with me and him telling me he would try and email me later that week to see me to nothing. The only clue I have really leading up to this is on one of my last dates with him he said " I know I should see you more, but you are still married." That is the first time he has ever said anything like that before and he used to see me more often. His schedule though has gotten alot fuller. He is in a band and they are doing pretty well right now, working extra shifts and taking a college class online.

    On a side note: I told you he wrote a song about me and him and how we got together and earlier this month he told me it was almost done and it came out very good, yet I have never heard even one phrase from it. I tell myself he can't just never speak to me again right because well then that means I will never hear the song he wrote about me! Then I get worried that maybe it has a sad ending or something, but whenever he mentions it to me his face lights up and he seems happy about it so I don't think so... Do you think he would just never share it with me?

    Katie1982: "actually before we got together we were on friend terms. and once he told me that he does not want children. can be that it is true, or back then he thought that way, cause i know for sure, that before meeting me, he has given up on finding a girl that would suit him and who would bear him with all his personality.... on the other hand once i was in a park sitting with him and little babies were climbing all around and one came there to us, and climbed up on us and he is very great in dealing with children. he doesnt freak out, he seemingly loves them. btw. he is a child therapist by profession. more times on the street while walking if there is a baby, he would say nicely: "look a cute baby". and when we were already together, once we talked about my (girl) friends. and i told they all are so successful in their works, careers... and look where i am. and he said, well you'll be successful in being a mother and that is more important. and told me more times that i am amazing and i will be a perfect mother. dont know what to think of it. i dont want children yet, not even planning it, so this question right now does not bother me. 🙂

    i know though that he does not have a too good relationship with his parents. (at least from here and there dropped remarks of him, i think so) and he lives in my country for like 3 years, hasnt gone home since then, not even one time. so go figure..."

    FlowyAir: Okay interesting about telling you he did not want children and he is a Child therapist huh? Yet, he is so loving with them when he sees them. My Cancer absolutely adores children and he acts just like yours when he is out with me and sees them. Infact, he will notice them before I do and say awww, how cute... Interestingly enough, mine tells me the same things too how amazing I am and what a good mother I am all the time. It sounds like yours loves children too, but he may just be conflicted about raising his own without the right support system in place as who knows what happened between your Cancer and his parents. It does sound though like he is looking at you in a very favorable light when it comes to being a mother someday. That is a good thing. 🙂 Especially with Cancers... I read an article about Cancers and their parents if I find it I will post it as it is very informative and tells you how they behave when they have had good relationships with their mother's in particular versus bad relationships with them. It is very odd indeed for a cancer to be distanced from them.

    Okay, well good night Katie. TTYS



  • eleanorforigzle:

    so what should you do when your cancer guy stops talking to you? this guy that i used to talk to a lot over the phone and we were considering having a relationship has stopped contacting me after a decision to just be friends due to distance, lack of seeing one another, and a semi-interested girl that he lives by. i know that cancers are known for their "withdrawals" in order to collect their thoughts and such... but it seems like he has just stopped talking to me only.

    i feel like i should just give up and just accept this as a letdown. but, i can't help hoping that things will turn around though since he was the one who expressed interest in me first... until he brought up this female friend of his that he also has feelings for (part of the reason he brought her up was to make me jealous though, i am sure). before, he would always talk to me first... now he never messages me first and it seems like whenever i do initiate conversation, he gives me short distant answerst that shut down communication altogether.

    "should i wait it out or still try to reach out to him?"

    FlowyAir: Personally after my ongoing experience with Cancer males I would recommend trying to keep yourself busy and your own life fufilling while keeping this Cancer man on the backburner for now. How long have you guys talked for? How long distance are you?

    I would recommend based on what you did say an occasional email like every couple weeks/week and half depending on what you feel is occasional to say, Hi- just thinking of you... or asking how he is... Then back off for a while again. I did this with mine in the beginning and it was a bit easier as I wasn't so emotionally attached as I am now. It did work though. He came to me as I had always let him know in an "unpressuring way" that I was there for him and cared about him by just telling him I was thinking of him, or saying I hope you have a great day today... stuff like that.

    When you talk to him though make sure if he asks you that you tell him all the self enriching stuff you have been up to. 😛

    Good luck and keep us posted!

    See what happens.



  • he and i both volunteered at the same establishment and, all of a sudden, got along really well one time when we were both staying late. so we exchanged numbers and he started txting me daily. pretty soon, he let me know he was attracted to me and said that we should hang out and that he "can't wait to see me". but after this, he missed all the volunteer days and informed me he was quitting because of his busy schedule... meanwhile he tells me over the phone about his female friend that lived close by to him that he was "thinking of asking out"... even though he clearly made it sound like he planned to ask me out! so i got mad at him, being the fiery scorpio that i am, and he said "i'm sorry, i really was going to ask you out but then i had to be realistic" (we live a distance away and are busy so it's hard to see one another). so i said, "well that's great. i guess it doesn't even matter if i'm mad at you because i'm obviously not going to get to see you anymore. you can just forget all about this." then he said "i never said i wasn't going to try and see you again and i never said i was going to ask her out, i said i was thinking about it"... which really doesn't make me feel better since they are the same thing in my mind. so, i didn't call or txt him for a week until saturday where basically i said that "i would like to get to know you better, but i don't want to put the effort into seeing you if you don't care that much. and i really don't want to see you if you're 'playing' me". so, he responded that those "weren't his intentions and that he didn't mean to confuse me"... that he "does care and thinks we should make the effort... but as friends because relationships can get complicated and can make people jealous".

    i guess it's pretty clear cut- he doesn't want to get tied down to someone who lives far away, especially when this other girl friend of his lives so close and is interested. but i'm so MAD that he started this with me in the first place when he had feelings for this other person... and that he worded it so it was all MY IDEA that we would have a "more than friends relationship" when HE was the one who initiated the whole idea!

    and then lately he has just stopped talking to me... until today haha! he just txted me to say what's up and we had some small talk and such.

    i don't know, i suppose it's partly my fault. internally, i internally get resentful of him because i feel like he just txts me when he's bored or something and i wonder if i should go out of my way to try and see him. i think if we actually saw one another in person, he would change his mind about the whole friendship thing... he made it sound like the only reason he didn't want to go out is because it's unrealistic considering the distance.

    i really haven't known him long... but i feel like if i don't try and develop this with him, i could be missing out. he's not the first cancer i've had issues with either haha. i actually had a really close cancer guy friend that i basically loved. but after giving me 2 years of mixed messages, he rejected me and we just got in a huge fight and don't really speak much anymore... i don't want THAT to happen again.

    as for your cancer stories, i haven't had a chance to read all of it but from what it seems, you are having the typical "sudden withdrawal" issue too. naturally, i get distrust when a guy stops contacting me and that i always have to initiate contact... but with these guys, it seems like they don't contact you because they want to see if you care enough to talk to them first. like they need to be reassured that we love them and are happy to see that we do, even though they dont talk back. still, i'm sure we could always do with a little reassuring feedback ourselves!

    oh and cancers are also known for their strong family connections... do you think that your cancer guys were hesitant about entering the relationship because their natural instincts go against breaking up marriages/families? just a thought...

    thanks so much for the advice 🙂



  • hey, i was kind of swept away today with a lot of stuff, so only now comes my answer. 🙂

    FlowyAir: I concur. His actions/vibes I get when together are what I use to measure his feelings for me and I him. It is undeniable to me. I mean there is lots of eye contact and the expression in his eyes says it all. We really like to just hold each other and it feels unbelievable - the way he describes it back to me is exactly how I feel too and when I relay how it feels to me he says that is what he also feels. He is very loving and gentle and will just sit there and stroke my arm and kiss it lovingly.. It's all very sweet and full of emotion. So yes the queues are there.

    Katie: so here you have your answer. trust your instinct on this one...at least you can guess that he is not 'pretending' emotions. for how much that is worth later, we don't know yet.

    FlowyAir:This comment makes me feel a whole lot better as the holidays can be quite painful when you can't be with those you love. So maybe after going through Thanksgiving and telling me he was sad about not being with me he just withdrew around Christmas - I never thought of it like that.

    Katie: well, i am quite sure that this was could have been the reason. cause i guess one side of him wanted to be with you, other side of him knew the situation is so complicated. i think it is again the too much mixed up emotions and complex situation. a lot of people tend to rather draw away from it and wait for the sunny days. 🙂

    FlowyAir: I sense he is uncomfortable, but still not letting me know it or just out of the blue? I mean I go from getting a sweet email telling me how nice it was "being able to walk around" the mall with me and him telling me he would try and email me later that week to see me to nothing. The only clue I have really leading up to this is on one of my last dates with him he said " I know I should see you more, but you are still married." That is the first time he has ever said anything like that before and he used to see me more often. His schedule though has gotten alot fuller. He is in a band and they are doing pretty well right now, working extra shifts and taking a college class online.

    Katie: im sure it is both. i mean if he is busy he possibly really cant see you that much. and on the other hand i think that it is the heart fighting with the head all the time. knowing that you are still married and you cant properly be together but the same time wanting to be with you.

    you know what... i just remembered.... my cancer when i spent a lot of time over at his place told me. you shouldnt come so often, cause i get used to it too much. i guess it could have meant he is afraid of getting used to it.

    FlowyAir: I told you he wrote a song about me and him and how we got together and earlier this month he told me it was almost done and it came out very good, yet I have never heard even one phrase from it. Do you think he would just never share it with me?

    Katie: yes, i remember the song. well i can imagine that he didnt finish it, due to the circumstances. or he just doesnt want to show it, cause the situation is not right yet. i think if he wrote all the great emotions out of himself and put it into a song, now that he feels that the situation is complex and it saddens him, he wont pull it out and show it.

    it is not exactly the same, but for example i got a lot of small nice things from my cancer during the good times. dvd with movies and songs, greeting cards etc. when things turned wrong, i put them all away, i cant even touch them, listen to them, cause they bring back so vividly the happy memories. and since the situation between us is different now... it just makes me feel hurt.

    FlowyAir: Okay interesting about telling you he did not want children and he is a Child therapist huh? Yet, he is so loving with them when he sees them. It sounds like yours loves children too, but he may just be conflicted about raising his own without the right support system in place as who knows what happened between your Cancer and his parents. It does sound though like he is looking at you in a very favorable light when it comes to being a mother someday. That is a good thing. 🙂

    Katie: i have no idea what exactly happened between him and his parents. i dont think they are on BAD terms, but they are not really close.

    i have a feeling he either doesnt want children cause he thinks he wouldnt be a bad parent, or his parents were not good and he doesnt want to do the same, or cause he has seen enough terrible parents during his work...

    the fact that he thinks i will be a good mother is really great, and it seems honest. but i thought too, that it might be a problem too... like if he really doesnt want to have children... and he thinks i should have... then what future can we possibly have?

    so, that's about me today. what's going on on your side? anything happening?



  • eleanorforigzle: i have no idea what your cancer is up to. i mean he must have some kind of interest in you, otherwise he wouldnt deal with you at all.

    sometimes they say that they like to keep people in their 'circle' like if nothing better comes up, they have someone. on the other hand he might be testing you, how you react on certain things or he is unsure because of distance or something else.

    he offered friendship, if he is important for you, i might would go into the friendship thing in your place. cause that way you can get to know him better, and you never know when the table can turn and he is gonna express that he wants more. at least it gives you some time.

    by all means i would not put much effort into it, until he does first. i might would keep away and see how much he is contacting you.



  • HI Katie and everyone,

    I just lost my post I wrote... That sucks! Anyway, yes today has been a painful day for me to say the least. I was in my car with my friend today and he walked out of his house and across the street to his car and although I didn't want to crane my neck and risk having him notice me looking at him - my friend said she seen him give a long stare in our direction. I'm not sure how he can be so indifferent and do that after just ripping me out of his life with no warning.

    Katie1982: "Katie: im sure it is both. i mean if he is busy he possibly really cant see you that much. and on the other hand i think that it is the heart fighting with the head all the time. knowing that you are still married and you cant properly be together but the same time wanting to be with you.

    you know what... i just remembered.... my cancer when i spent a lot of time over at his place told me. you shouldnt come so often, cause i get used to it too much. i guess it could have meant he is afraid of getting used to it."

    FlowyAir: Yes, I think this is true he was dealing with alot getting more emotionally involved each time he seen me. I do feel the realization is hitting home now that he is cutting things off permanently between us as of now. I don't think this is a typical withdraw from him. He has completely ignored a text message saying I needed to talk to him a week ago telling him it was important - when I rarely text! Then not taking my call on Monday and ignoring my message to him telling him I hoped to hear from him and lastly not reading any of my emails I sent him. He doesn't go online anymore or anything. It is like he just cut me right out of his life as I see him still doing all his usual stuff. Anyway, it hurts, but what really hurts is if it is true (which I think it is) he didn't give me the benefit of the doubt to mutually reach this decision. I like to think if we had discussed it logically I would have been hurt and may have even protested, but I would have accepted it. Now I can only guess his reasons at ending it. Also, I guess he didn't really want a future with me either even though he said he did. As severing it in this way is fine if you don't plan on ever getting back with someone, but if he did have plans of being with me after the divorce well I don't think it will ever work out now. I mean I feel my dignity was shattered as I feel now like he is the better person for ending it before me and my sense of worth is pretty low also. What really is messed up is last month I told him how most people would suggest that I end all contact with him until I'm divorced as that is the right thing to do - and he responded to that with well you can't listen to other people and that is when he told me everything would work out in the end he really believed that. I guess my heart is broken and I'm feeling devasted - I really love him.

    Katie1982: "Katie: i have no idea what exactly happened between him and his parents. i dont think they are on BAD terms, but they are not really close.

    i have a feeling he either doesnt want children cause he thinks he wouldnt be a bad parent, or his parents were not good and he doesnt want to do the same, or cause he has seen enough terrible parents during his work...

    the fact that he thinks i will be a good mother is really great, and it seems honest. but i thought too, that it might be a problem too... like if he really doesnt want to have children... and he thinks i should have... then what future can we possibly have?"

    FlowyAir: Yeah, you really need to talk further about this with him as that is very important to know before committing more seriously. You will know in your heart when the time is right - as I know it is not easy broaching this subject lightly with a Cancer man. I had the same questions of mine as I knew he wanted a family, but I never knew how many children he wanted or if he even wanted any beyond mine. His ex girlfriend had 2 kids too.



  • he flowyair! im sorry it's already over 10pm here and im soon going to sleep. but wanted you to know i read your comment and im sorry for your bad day. hey, i say dont be hopeful but dont burry this thing so fast, not yet... just withdraw and wait. i talk to you tomorrow more. and sounds lame, but im here, you are not alone. 🙂



  • Thank you Katie - it means alot to me! I know your going though alot too emotionally - it is very draining. I have to say everyday since he stopped all contact with me I feel a new emotion - shock, anger, confusion and pain mostly. Thanks for being there.



  • FlowyAir: today has been a painful day for me. I was in my car with my friend and he walked out of his house. my friend said she seen him give a long stare in our direction. I'm not sure how he can be so indifferent and do that after just ripping me out of his life with no warning.

    Katie: it's not sure he is indifferent. why do you think so?

    FlowyAir: Yes, I think this is true he was dealing with alot getting more emotionally involved each time he seen me. I do feel the realization is hitting home now that he is cutting things off permanently between us as of now. I don't think this is a typical withdraw from him.

    Katie: i say again: patience, anyways there is nothing else you could do. whether it is a typical withdrawal or not is something i cant really tell... i hardly can figure out mine.

    FlowyAir: It hurts, but what really hurts is if it is true (which I think it is) he didn't give me the benefit of the doubt to mutually reach this decision. I like to think if we had discussed it logically I would have been hurt and may have even protested, but I would have accepted it. Now I can only guess his reasons at ending it.

    Katie: a cancer once told that if it is about breaking up, they do it before you do it. and the all time try to avoid conflicts, so IF it is really a break up from his side, he wont give you the chance to argue or protest or anything...

    FlowyAir: Also, I guess he didn't really want a future with me either even though he said he did. As severing it in this way is fine if you don't plan on ever getting back with someone...

    Katie: Again, you can't know that for sure. i think people can be very tough sometimes, and impulsive. like he might does not think it through at all.

    FlowyAir: but if he did have plans of being with me after the divorce well I don't think it will ever work out now. I mean I feel my dignity was shattered as I feel now like he is the better person for ending it before me and my sense of worth is pretty low also. I guess my heart is broken and I'm feeling devasted - I really love him.

    Katie: yes, i understand your feelings on this one. when mine started to go cold and unavailable i went after him still for a while... and when there was no reaction at all on my actions... i felt the same, that my dignitiy is shattered.... that is when i could turn the tables. so for you this is the best time too i think. and of course you love him and it hurts... but the pain will be over in some time. you are strong, you can do it. 🙂 and start a new life... with or without him. 🙂

    so tonight i'm going to a gig, i might check in later or after the gig when i arrive home. if not i talk to you tomorow. 🙂



  • FlowyAir: I have to say everyday since he stopped all contact with me I feel a new emotion - shock, anger, confusion and pain mostly.

    Katie: i went through the same stages: first shock and confusion, then immense pain, and then anger... now i'm healing.



  • Firstly, I wouldn't start putting any words in his mouth. I would stick with his word, sober is most clear, and drunk is exagerated; my observations only. So sober he wants his cake and eat it too. I am 30 married for 3 years and with my husband since 19. He said the same things then to me yours is saying. I'll fish when I want and this and that, in reality, yes, and I didn't stop him; I helped. I have bent over backwards proving somthing he's known all along, I care. Mean while he has kept his word, done what ever he wanted and prevented alot of progress for me.

    Find someone who says, and means what you need to hear. Don't guess by the cards or the stars, the potential is there, only if he chooses that.



  • Even more, try not giving him your attention, get some books or books on tapes. Stay preoccupied and see how he reacts to you not being needy. The last book I read to help woman understand men in general, is men need woman who don't need them.

    They are looking for an asset, not a bill. I hope this makes scense.

    Mine has kept me, he was raising a 8 year old alone, I was pregnant.

    Perfect co dependency. He didn't feel bad using me, he justified with I was using him.

    Now he cant look me in the eye or have a serious conversation about anything.

    I am being told that my progress intelectually, and desire to get a degree online (which I have started) and taking control of my finances is making me more substancial than him, and I have to be gentel. LOL Muhahahah



  • Hi Katie! 🙂

    How are you today? I'll have to read your other thread as to whether you heard from your Crab after the fact of him questioning your gig and the group email as I'm curious. 😮 Btw, are you a musician?

    Katie 1982: "it's not sure he is indifferent. why do you think so?"

    FlowyAir: Well it just seems to me a bit odd that he is able to look for an extended period of time in my direction - I mean he doesn't worry about what if we make eye contact? I mean if I cut someone off with no warning when I know they had serious feelings for me, I don't know that I would take a chance like that of possibly making eye contact.

    I don't know, but some new observations also tell me he may now feel free of guilt and burden as I noticed he is driving by my house more, which again he rarely does since his house is located on a corner and he can take a quick left and get to the same main road he would get too by taking the right and passing my house. Also, he has been keeping his bedroom blinds open more now (knowing full well I can see in his bedroom) but also that means he isn't looking out at me either as then he would be seen doing so. It just appears he is being more open on the outside.

    FlowyAir: I mean from your outside perspective can you see him "ever wanting" to get back together with his neighbor even after I am divorced after cutting it off with no explaination whatsoever. I still can't believe he would cut if off in this way knowing I am right next door to him and he'd have to see me again - isn't that a stressful situation too?

    I'm in such shock up to the last time he seen me he always talked about seeing me again. He told me he was so happy he got to see me the last time and it was so nice getting to see me on New Years Day... Plus admitting to falling in love with me just a few weeks ago and then reiterating it when I brought it up a few weeks ago. He consistenty spoke practical about the divorce telling me it would take a while and things were gonna get wild and my husband was going to stick it to me so its not like he didn't know earlier the situation he was in... Ahhh, the pain of it all.



  • maidenrebec: first of all welcome and thanks for sharing your opinion. i always like to hear new ideas, perspectives. and always useful to hear from someone who is actually much longer involved. by the way i dont judge only by astrological signs. i just really see a lot of lot of similarities since im coming here regularly and read new and new stories.

    i know everything you say is true, but it is really hard to arrive to a certain point where i dont let myself be influenced that much anymore. 🙂



  • FlowyAir: hey, im okay today. excited for the gig, and happy that something can actually make me positively excited. im already dressed and all and soon leaving, so cant answer your whole comment, tomorrow. 🙂

    i havent heard about my crab today. not a surprise after i wrote him to which gig i go... it's 5 pretty tall rockers dressed in leather. LOL just how i like them. so he either will write at night or i have a guess im gonna get a half sarcastic textmsg during the night. LOL im prepared.

    i'll let you know tomorrow. dont be sad too much, try to occupy yourself and i'll talk to you tomorrow. have a nice day! 🙂



  • Welcome maidenrebec! Thank you for your insight.

    Hi Katie, do you just go to gigs or are you involved directly in them?

    I probably messed up now. I did give in this afternoon to leaving two messages on his voicemail. Again phone was left on he ignored my calls while at home. The first message went something like, "Hi it is ....., I wish you would have told me something first and let me know how you felt. I guess I have to assume you don't want to be with my anymore. I knew you felt uncomfortable, but not to this extent. I understand if you feel that way. I just thought we were closer than that and you could have told me. I was sincere with my feelings with you. I guess now I have to assume you don't want to be together in the future either? even if - even when the divorce is done? I hate to make assumptions, but I'm left in the dark here. I guess now I know why you were distant with me in December again if I'm wrong let me know I'm just left to guess. I always told you uncertainty is the worse. I respect your decisions. I hope to hear something. Take care of yourself

    God I feel like I just finalized stuff... I know it has just been a little over 2 weeks of no contact, but honestly I feel he is ending it based on the signs of ignoring me completely yet being visible outside of the house. I wish I didn't say "even if - even when the divorce is complete" that made it sound like I wasn't sure about it. That wasn't the case what I meant was it seems you don't want to be with me under these circumstances and even if I'm divorced too... That is exactly why one should not leave messages - now I've blown it completely.

    So my next message I expressed I was feeling emotional and could he blame me and told him I loved him and do want a future with him. Telling him I haven't felt this way about about anyone before except my first true love and I didn't want to throw it away. I said sure things can be hard, but nothing is impossible if two people want it. I told him I would always love him and would do anything for him. It was a long message but from the heart. Asking him to tell me if he still wanted a future with me too as going through a divorce is hard enough without guessing on this as well. I told him to tell me also if he did not want to be with me.

    I don't even k now if he listened to any of them. I feel I really screwed up here. Maybe I should go down and surprise him at his job one of these days when he is closing up late at night? Not sure I've never went there and it seems pretty pyscho right now to me. I just don't know if I sealed my fate right now or I'm overreacting to my messages? This sucks



  • FlowyAir: Hi Katie, do you just go to gigs or are you involved directly in them?

    Katie: hi, no unfortunately i'm just going to gigs, i am not involved, wish i were. LOL 🙂 gig was GREAT anyways and no sign of my crab. not even the half sarcastic textmsg i was counting on... well he cant hide forever.

    FlowyAir: I probably messed up now. I did give in this afternoon to leaving two messages on his voicemail. The first message went like...

    God I feel like I just finalized stuff... I know it has just been a little over 2 weeks of no contact, but honestly I feel he is ending it based on the signs of ignoring me completely yet being visible outside of the house. I wish I didn't say "even if - even when the divorce is complete" that made it sound like I wasn't sure about it. That wasn't the case what I meant was it seems you don't want to be with me under these circumstances and even if I'm divorced too... That is exactly why one should not leave messages - now I've blown it completely.

    Katie: yes, maybe you shouldn't have called and left voicemail, BUT listen, don't eat yourself about it. i tell this first of all, cause at the beginning when he started to pull away, i did stuff like that too. tried to call him, texted him, wrote him mails... and didn't get a response. but at least i felt that i got a kind of closure for myself. i mean you just listened to your heart and did what you felt you needed. there is NOTHING WRONG with that. at least he knows now once more how terrible you feel and what he caused you. You DID NOT screw up. I just suggest that after this you really lay back and don't give any sign of life anymore towards him. NOTHING AT ALL. show him that you've done everything (which is btw. true) and that you are not willing to move any finger anymore and you are ready to move on if he is such a d-umba-ss.

    FlowyAir: Maybe I should go down and surprise him at his job one of these days when he is closing up late at night? Not sure I've never went there and it seems pretty pyscho right now to me.

    Katie: hey, you left voicemails, in which you tell everything you want to. it is his decision whether he listens to them or not. but honestly i suggest DO NOT GO TO HIS WORKPLACE. no need to surprise him. you might not feel that way, but i do believe you still have your dignity, so dont ruin it. you did exactly enough if not more already to keep this relationship alive. you have to clear your mind and sit down and think about it.

    what you've done and what he has done. is it really worth. cause i really needed to see clear in order to be able to change my situation. after a while he did so many 'bad' things to me that i just thought whatever happened before, however beautiful it was, i cant rely on that merely and find all the time excuses for his behavior. he is an adult, even if he is weak/afraid/whatever, he must be able to take control of his own life. and if he chooses to hide away instead of being with me and take a minimum effort and responsibility then even if it is really sad, he just does not deserve me. and i definitely wont run after him. 🙂

    hope you are better today!



  • Hi Katie!

    Thank you so much for your helping me through this tough time. I especially appreciate the advice you gave me. I have to say I regret contacting him as I think these cancer men never like to officially "end" anything. Simply disappearing or letting these die out slowly, but without making anything official maybe allows them to feel

    were completely gone from their lives and leaves a window of opportunity to get back into our lifes if so desired.

    I had a better day yesterday and went to the beach ( a spot he had brought me too before) just to think and I felt better. I guess he just couldn't take seeing me given the circumstances as at one point I know he told me he went to church with his parents one Sunday - maybe because he had guilt for seeing me? It just sucks because along with having reservations about seeing me he still seen me 10 times fivibg me mixed signals about wanting a future with me and being consistant about that for 4 months. Now I'm starting to believe he wanted to end stuff in Dec two weeks before Christmas, but backed out of it when I texted him. The funny thing was after seeing me this was the first time he told me direct he loved me( after I said it first of course). Makes me feel sad he probably hadn't even wanted to see me anc here I was giving him Christmas presents and all including a pair of silk boxers he said he would save for our first time. I'm not in as much pain today, but my emotions fluctuate all day. I justcan'tbelieve he would stop all contact like that when things seemed to be serious between us (knowing I love him) even given the circumstances and knowing he would have to see me again.

    Katie, I read your post on the other forum about your Cancer sending you the email asking you if you were hit on by other guys. Well yes he does sound jealous over you so that shows he has some feelings for you. Also, him asking you about your plans this weekend is an indirect attempt at seeing if you'll see him. As for your apprehension about telling him how his behavior is hurting you-I understand that as they don't make it easy for us. That is why I never directly asked mine why he was distancing himself from me earlier- maybe if I had I would have gotten my answer and wouldn't be in the dark right now myself. So my advice is to tell him you feel like there is this wall between you guys and you feel he is being distant with you. See what he says. I would just try to ask it at a time that feels somewhat right to do so - anytime he starts to express his feelings to even about other subjects. (especially if he brings up guys hitting on you again). I think you should get it off your chest and bring it up this time though for your own sanity purposes.

    As for telling him it hurts you, well I don't know if it makes a difference or not as my experience with Cancer men is that although they don't like to see others get hurt they don't necessarily stop behaviors that do hurt us - even when they are pointed out. For instance, I told mine uncertainty is hard for me and how did he chose to end things? Exactly in the way that makes me the most uncertain. So they seem to do what is best for themselves sometimes this self preservation stuff.

    As for telling him you love him? Well I didn't want to say it first either so last month I told him I had "strong feelings" for him and I thought I was " falling for him." his response was, "I know I feel I am falling in love with you. " he also told me he had only truly lived one woman his whole life his first true love, but we " might" have the 2nd one sitting right next to him. Hmmm. So kinda leaving it maybe. Anyway, finally a few weeks ago I got tired of it and said I have to say it, " I love you." well he said it back. Then mentioned it was hard being in love with someone you can't be with. The next day I told him I loved him again and his response was "good."

    so what I'm trying to get at is even once you hear those words from them doesn't change the uncertainty they bring to our hearts. I mean look what mine did right after telling me these things- stopped talking to me period. So I recommend waiting on the I love you part for now and addressing the distance issues first and see if things get better first - as you don't want to overwhelm him with too many feelings at once. They may have been my mistake. Sorry for the long post....


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