Cancer man, and he is confusing



  • Katie1982: Hi Katie, yeah I read your posts and I was very interested in them as they reminded me of my own experience somewhat. Where when your together it feels so right and the way he looks into my eyes and the things he says... So what your saying I have considered myself as the last time I saw him he said he knew he should see me more, but I was still married. He also said it was very hard being in love with someone he couldn't be with. So I thought about that and I decided to make immediate changes and file for divorce quicker, but he doesn't know that as he disappeared on me again. lol.

    See before I had told the cancer I wanted to pay some debt down first and so we decided on a timeframe of a year and a half that was in Oct and then he would be done with school too. So I thought he was okay with it, but I guess as we invest more feelings into relationships what once felt okay may not feel okay later on.He does say whenever he sees me and hugs me why does it have to be so hard?

    However, a bit contractive, in Dec. he had said he wondered why we had to wait, but then figured out maybe he had things on his end to do too and he added he felt everything would work out in the end.

    It just rips me apart the uncertainty of it all. If he told me this is too hard on me let's wait until your divorced (which I have brought up and he has dismissed) then at least I could deal with that and take the necessary steps- as right now I'm afraid he won't be with me at all even if I seperate sometimes because of these "disappearances." It doesn't make any sense to tell me one thing and look into my eyes and then just shut me out completely.



  • Flowyair> So I thought he was okay with it, but I guess as we invest more feelings into relationships what once felt okay may not feel okay later on.

    Katie> take care with this. i thought the same about mine. and he was backing me up when i broke up, but in the next month, while the ex's moving out was in process, he completely left me alone emotionally... he met me less and less etc. and i dont say they lie when they say it will work out and they wait and it is okay... because i think they really mean to do so. but then as time goes by... they lose the patience and they get insecure... i thought a lot about it... i always went to see mine, then at the end of the date, he put me on my bus and i came home (to the home where my ex was still living in). so i imagined what he must have felt... me leaving on the bus and knowing i'm going back to the house where my ex is present... bad feeling....

    so i start to understand. we had beautiful times and then everything broke and he went distant.... it keeps for one and a half months already i think. we meet, but things are not like how they used to be. im still hopeful, but i honestly drew my emotions out of it. i mean i feel the same towards him, but dont let it anymore overcome me, cause that is what makes me weak and crying all the time and feeling desparate. i started to deal with my own life, take up hobbies i had before my ex... everything is coming into place. cause i thought, if he really has emotions towards me... he wont be able to stay away forever. and what will be he drawn to more? to a woman who is needy and clings on him, sends e-mails and texts and cries around... or a woman who is self-confident, can make herself happy, has hobbies, does her own stuff, INDEPENDENT, balanced. i suggest you go on with the divorce, start to build yourself up again, appreciate yourself, cheer yourself up. 'deactivate' your emotions towards him... stay nice but not soo available... and see what his reaction will be...

    btw... you're aquarius? i am too. 🙂



  • Katie1982: "while the ex's moving out was in process, he completely left me alone emotionally... "

    FlowyAir: This is what I am afraid of that he will leave me alone while I am going through this huge ordeal, which is hard to understand in a way if he does truly love me and wants to take care of me. Worse though is the feeling of being left alone in the dark.

    Katie1982: " he met me less and less etc. and i dont say they lie when they say it will work out and they wait and it is okay... because i think they really mean to do so. but then as time goes by... they lose the patience and they get insecure... i thought a lot about it... i always went to see mine, then at the end of the date, he put me on my bus and i came home (to the home where my ex was still living in). so i imagined what he must have felt... me leaving on the bus and knowing i'm going back to the house where my ex is present... bad feeling...."

    FlowyAir: Katie, that's a very good point you make, and yes I'm an Aquarius too. 🙂 My rising sun is Scorpio so I think that is why I'm constantly drawn to Cancers. I think sometimes Aquariuses can be too "broad in our all encompassing thinking." I am just starting to realize that this may be harder on him than I ever really knew. I guess I took for granted the fact that I thought he knew I no longer wanted to be with my husband and because he is so intuitive (as most Cancers are) I'm sure he can feel the genuiness of my feelings for him and my intentions. However, I guess that is pretty shallow because if I put myself into his position I think I would have a hard time too. It must be really hard knowing he has to let me go and then I'm with someone else. The funny thing is he never even asks me if my husband and I are physical together or not (were not). I guess though just because he doesn't mention it doesn't mean he doesn't think about it. I don't know if it makes it worse or better knowing I'm so close to him as our bedrooms windows are right across from each other. I mean he can atleast observe things like that and know where I am, but I guess it is also a reminder of the circumstances. 😞

    Katie1982: "we had beautiful times and then everything broke and he went distant.... it keeps for one and a half months already i think. we meet, but things are not like how they used to be. im still hopeful, but i honestly drew my emotions out of it."

    FlowyAir: Has he told you how the previous situation made him feel yet? Has he opened up to you at all as to why he is acting differently now? Did he have plans of living with you once you split with your ex? It must have been really hard for you to shut your emotions off like that or pull them back. I'm finding it really hard and painful to do that. I know I have so many questions for my Cancer guy too, but when I'm around him I'm lost in all the feeling and many of the questions I have go out the window as I feel secure again from all the emotion he shows me - or he answers them himself but very indirectly. Which brings more questions to my mind later. Being Aquarius I like things in more specific terms as communication is high on the list with us. Lack of it drives me crazy.

    Katie1982: " i feel the same towards him, but dont let it anymore overcome me, cause that is what makes me weak and crying all the time and feeling desparate. i started to deal with my own life, take up hobbies i had before my ex... everything is coming into place. cause i thought, if he really has emotions towards me... he wont be able to stay away forever. and what will be he drawn to more? to a woman who is needy and clings on him, sends e-mails and texts and cries around... or a woman who is self-confident, can make herself happy, has hobbies, does her own stuff, INDEPENDENT, balanced. "

    FlowyAir: I think your spot on with your advice as I'm told Cancers like their own personal space and they need a woman that can respect that also they like woman that lead their own lives and are doing their own thing. It is just easier said than done. I also know all men like mystery in a woman and self confidence is sexy. I mean I know I want him even more when he is not available so I guess if I can turn the tables it wouldn't hurt. However, I had stopped emailing him as much when this happened in hopes he would be more responsive and I think it may have backfired. Anyway, today out of desperation I left him a voicemail (trying to sound calm and sweet) telling him I missed him and hoped to hear from him and I was starting to take care of things and taking stuff out of the house. It just hurts he didn't take my call. I know he was home and his phone wasn't shut off. I get really scared what if I never hear from him again? I mean I know we have something special it would devastate me completely. I'm also scared his pulling away and distancing himself is going to complicate things in the future as you've pointed out "things are not like how they used to be. im still hopeful."

    I am going to try to move forward, but the silence is so painful. Especially when I see him (through the windows) coming and going like everything is fine.



  • FlowyAir: This is what I am afraid of that he will leave me alone while I am going through this huge ordeal, which is hard to understand in a way if he does truly love me and wants to take care of me. Worse though is the feeling of being left alone in the dark.

    Katie: first of all, be prepared that he is gonna leave you alone in that. i think cancers can't really deal with too much emotional stress. that does not mean, he wont be there, when it is over, but expect him to disappear. hard to accept, hard to understand, but it can happen. secondly, you have to try to separate the two things together. i mean your divorce (contact to husband) and your probable new life (with cancer guy). you cant make the two be depending on each other. whether cancer guy is there or not... you WANT to separate. of course a separation is emotionally hard and terrible and it is great to have someone to back you off with positivity (cancer guy). but you are not separating because of him, at least please dont do that. think of it from the view that you are separating because you are unhappy in your marriage. first i was very much insecure myself about breaking up with my ex. and since cancer guy pulled back, i was sometimes thinking, should i stay rather in my relationship. but then i felt, im not happy and decided, independently from cancer guy existing in my life or not... im not happy so i have to move on. and i know it sounds scary and painful but listen, ONE THING YOU HAVE TO STORE IN YOUR MIND AND HEART. if he truly loves you, he wont disappear forever... it might take long time to reach a balance, but you will reach it... if he has true feelings. and if he doesnt, then honestly, even if it hurts, the earlier you know, the better it will be.

    my rising is btw. Virgo, which supposedly fits to cancer. 🙂

    i told my cancer guy too, that i have no feelings for my bf anymore and i took him granted too in believing me and understanding.

    dont worry, my cancer guy never asked me either about my bf/later exbf... but one thing i learned about cancers. they are very indirect. they rarely will ask you straight about stuff. morover wont put questions that might show their emotional interest in you (that already makes them vulnerable). for example... he knows that after our date, im going somewhere else (not home)... he wont ask directly (he rather dies LOL), where are you going? he is gonna ask... are you meeting Carol? sounds more causal... you understand what i mean?

    plus cancers are extremely jealous. so the thought of you being in the same house with your husband... must be killing him i think... and i dont think it is the question of him thinking you might get physical, only the thought... what if one day....

    FlowyAir: Has he told you how the previous situation made him feel yet? Has he opened up to you at all as to why he is acting differently now? Did he have plans of living with you once you split with your ex?

    Katie: sometimes he mentioned that he is sad and sorry for a lot of things.. but he never spoke anything exact out. (he really seemed sad). and once when i could not bear his emotional withdrawl, i told him in a mail that i was very sad and i was just thinking all the time what i had done wrong... and he immediately texted me telling: 'you havent done anything wrong, you are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time...' but no specifics on what is his problem. and i asked about it like two times and then never tried again. and most probably i wont ever. if he wants to talk one day, im gonna listen... otherwise i wont put pressure.

    we havent done plans of moving together. but i dont mind that. im just out of a long term relationship and i really want to have my space and alone time. basically all i want from him is some seriousness, straightness and commitment in a sense that i know he cares, and i can count on him. thats all.

    FlowyAir> It must have been really hard for you to shut your emotions off like that or pull them back. I'm finding it really hard and painful to do that.

    Katie> to arrive to this decision was much harder, trust me on that. when i could decide to do it, it took me 2 weeks or so. and honestly then i was already sooo angry with him, and i felt so devastated and useless that i thought it cant go on like this. i either go nuts, or i am pulling back. and BELIEVE ME ONE THING, truly... when you can do it, it gets better and better. you will feel more energetic and start to appreciate yourself. and then you start to feel that you are worth and you think, if he does not see that and does not appreciate that, he does not deserve that. and all the time i was conscious too, that IF it comes to break up, i will be hurt and it will be hard to get over him... still i realized in my head that possible forthcoming pain and i started to prepare myself and started to let go off him. and ONE MORE IMPORTANT THING that helped me a lot: stop expecting anything from him. you write a mail to him, dont expect an answer. you text him, dont expect an answer. you talk about meeting tomorrow, dont expect to meet. be happy when you get something positive, but never let yourself fall back into helpless needy state. it is very hard, but when you arrive there... you will feel the power you have. 🙂

    FlowyAir: I know I have so many questions for my Cancer guy too.

    Katie: i had a lot of questions too. it is again the same topic... expecting... expecting to get answers... DONT. stop having questions. draw the line: one part is dealing with your separation... deal with it alone and dont expect help (after all it is entirely your matter).

    other part is keeping the new guy: dont ask questions, dont cling, even if it is very hard and you dont feel it on your own... take the rhythm of the game... dont email, dont call, dont text... show him you DONT NEED him (even if it is not entirely true, though you should reach the point when you dont need him above all). whenever you walk out of your home, look happy and balanced and busy. (of course not happy around your husband). he might be peaking after you, so show yourself at your best. that goes to dates too. and when you are together, dont even talk about your matters, about the future, all in all about anything that has to do with the minimum pressure putting on him. just enjoy the 'now' , the moment, have fun, laugh and let him see you are a good company. hm? sounds hard but not undoable. 🙂

    FlowyAir: I get really scared what if I never hear from him again? I mean I know we have something special it would devastate me completely.

    Katie: i understand that you get scared. i went through the same. hey, i lived on traquilyzer pills and sleeping pills for a month and i am 27... so i know what you feel and what you are going through... but that is why you should try to do what ive done, with the distancing your feelings. they will be still there, but you dont let them overcome you. and after all... he is just another being... ASK YOURSELF ONE IMPORTANT QUESTION: who is more important for you? Him or yourself??? i think you dont have to think a lot about it. so respect yourself enough that you dont let anyone destroy you. of course there is a lot of time needed and a lot of crying and sad moments until you get over someone. but you CAN do it. and pain like everything else, one day goes away.

    FlowyAir: Especially when I see him (through the windows) coming and going like everything is fine.

    Katie: LOL, come on. mine is a master of covering up his real feelings... im sure he does not really feel like 'everything is fine'... but he is a professional... he wont show you, im sad and i miss you terribly... that makes him vulnerable... they try to control the gamefield all the time i think...

    hey, it is really nice to talk to you. im living in europe so it is close to midnight and im gonna go to sleep. but you can answer and tomorrow im gonna come back to go on talking. i like that we have a bit of similarity, makes me want to talk more. 🙂 and hey... cheer up. you are not alone. we are sailing in the same f.u.c.k.i.n.g boat in the middle of the storm. 🙂



  • FlowyAir: Katie, I have enjoyed talking with you too. As your situation is very similiar and it has played out more than mine so it gives me some possible insight. I think you have a good handle on things even if it may not feel like that to yourself always afterall these Cancer men have a way of sucking us in and like you said they seem to like controlling the playing field.

    Katie1982: "first of all, be prepared that he is gonna leave you alone in that. i think cancers can't really deal with too much emotional stress. that does not mean, he wont be there, when it is over, but expect him to disappear."

    FlowyAir: Yes, good advice. I know Cancer's can't deal with emotional stress and they are very "self perserving." I shouldn't expect him to be there for me.He is not the one in the situation though - I am. I guess I just thought he would be from the beginning he said he knew these things take a long time and he said that last time I seen him too. I think your right though as he seems to take alot of stress in the circumstances - sometimes he is contradictive and says he doesn't care if we get caught, just think we hung out at the mall together a few weeks ago. However, he has told me he is "not ready to get caught." So I don't know why it is so hard for me to understand why he is pulling back assuming it has to do with me and the situation as he hasn't told me that directly, but as you say they rarely are direct.

    I guess I wouldn't have such a hard time dealing with it if I knew he is still planning on being with me when it is all said and done. It's just that our situation is not a traditional one and Cancer's are very traditional. He himself has referred to us "not being the most traditional situation." I find I depend on him a bit with my moving forward as we did have plans of living together when the situation is resolved on my end. I contribute my excellent planning skill to me being an Aquarius and that is why I generally suceed ( a trait he likes), but with his vagueness it hampers my planning abilities.

    For instance,I have asked him if he minds living in the same house where I live now and he has said he doesn't know. I won't be able to keep it unless he puts his name on it with me so I need to know so I can act accordingly. I had wanted to keep my son in his current school too he is six. I thought the Cancer guy might like it as Cancers are very close to their parents and this way he could keep on eye on them and help them out as needed. I don't think I mentioned before that he is currently living with his parents after a break up he had last year.

    The other worry I have is, he has said he doesn't know how he is going to tell his parents about us. He has even went as far as to say he doesn't know what he is going to tell his neighbors ( I guess assuming if we stay in the same house) He said his parents aren't going to see it coming. When I expressed fears about what his parents would say he has said his father is very accepting. On our first date however, he confided that his worse fear was my husband finding out and telling his dad about us - as he never had a strong connection with him as a child and he has been building it up now. He doesn't want to shame his family. He told me family is everything to him. This is why his latest disappearing act has left me so scared and I know that even upon the divorce at one point he will have to face at least his parents and that is going to be very hard for him - I wonder if him being a Cancer he really will be able to do it. (he has told me he will - I can only hope that he was being honest with me. I guess I was thinking once the divorce is final it won't be such no no, but it still an ackward situation.

    Katie1982: " you have to try to separate the two things together. i mean your divorce (contact to husband) and your probable new life (with cancer guy). you cant make the two be depending on each other. whether cancer guy is there or not... you WANT to separate"

    FlowyAir: Yes, I have reassued him of this too. We were headed down that road before he came into the picture, but it would have happened a bit slower I have to admit as meeting him caused an "awakening in me," which started an inner healing process and alot of hidden feelings I was forced to deal with such as my emotional needs never being met in the marriage as a result of me settling. He has eluded to "not wanting to ruin another man's life" though. I have told him that he is not, it is what needed to happen anyway regardless sooner or later. Then he agrees with me and says he knows and he adds in that my husband and I are not compatible for each other based on his observations. See maybe he does need reassurance then?

    Katie1982: "sometimes he mentioned that he is sad and sorry for a lot of things.. but he never spoke anything exact out. (he really seemed sad). and once when i could not bear his emotional withdrawl, i told him in a mail that i was very sad and i was just thinking all the time what i had done wrong... and he immediately texted me telling: 'you havent done anything wrong, you are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time...' but no specifics on what is his problem. and i asked about it like two times and then never tried again. and most probably i wont ever. if he wants to talk one day, im gonna listen... otherwise i wont put pressure."

    FlowyAir: See this is where things get tricky - Cancer's naturally tend to get moody and take it out on those they love. They naturally tend to withdraw so it is so very hard to know when it is in response to something in our relationships with them or some other outside trigger. My cancer said something very similiar to me the first time he withdrew and I eventually out of being beside myself sent him an apology for anything I could think of that I could have possibly done wrong. His response was that he was the one that was sorry and it had nothing to do with me. He said he had been depressed and sometimes he withdraws. I think it is sweet that your Cancer guy told you that your the best thing that ever happened to him.

    I have found the same thing I don't pressure him or ask alot of questions as I find he will tell me when he is ready. I just have to learn to capitolize on and seize the opportunity when he does open up a small bit with me and try to pry him open all the way next time.

    Katie1982: " to arrive to this decision was much harder, trust me on that. when i could decide to do it, it took me 2 weeks or so. and honestly then i was already sooo angry with him, and i felt so devastated and useless that i thought it cant go on like this. i either go nuts, or i am pulling back. and BELIEVE ME ONE THING, truly... when you can do it, it gets better and better. you will feel more energetic and start to appreciate yourself. and then you start to feel that you are worth and you think, if he does not see that and does not appreciate that, he does not deserve that. and all the time i was conscious too, that IF it comes to break up, i will be hurt and it will be hard to get over him... still i realized in my head that possible forthcoming pain and i started to prepare myself and started to let go off him. "

    FlowyAir: Thank you very good advice well taken! I know this too as that is the healthiest thing we can all do. At the end of the day we do have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else. Btw, I think Cancer's know this concept better than anyone else as they seem practical and cautious and again very self preserving.

    Katie1982: "and ONE MORE IMPORTANT THING that helped me a lot: stop expecting anything from him. you write a mail to him, dont expect an answer. you text him, dont expect an answer. you talk about meeting tomorrow, dont expect to meet. be happy when you get something positive, but never let yourself fall back into helpless needy state. it is very hard, but when you arrive there... you will feel the power you have. :)"

    FlowyAir: It is funny you give me this advice as my Cancer guy told me the samething! Ha,ha maybe you are starting to think like them :-). He told me he loved a girl and she didn't love him back so he finally dropped all expectations of her and he kept loving her, but since he didn't expect anything in return he didn't get disappointed or more hurt. He was very happy over this insight and said it allowed him to continue loving her. I do see the logic in it. It takes some getting used to though as far as adjusting my mindset- especially when he first mentioned that concept to me I was wondering why would someone ever revert to doing this if someone did not love them back - but I guess he used it to let himself down easier. We can use it though with those who do love us with better outcomes hopefully.

    Katie1982: "show him you DONT NEED him (even if it is not entirely true, though you should reach the point when you dont need him above all). whenever you walk out of your home, look happy and balanced and busy. (of course not happy around your husband). he might be peaking after you, so show yourself at your best. "

    FlowyAir: Thank you your right its all in perception. I should be getting up and going out more. Its just hard to get back into the rhythm again.

    It's funny though when I'm not around he has his blinds open more and when I get home he closes them. Recently, I noticed he keeps the last 5 bottom blinds open next to his bed and its not because his window is open as it is kept shut. Today he deliberately took a right when leaving his house passing my house - which he never does. I'm not sure if he looked in or not, but it was still unusual for him. However, no contact whatsoever with me and he doesn't even read my emails.



  • FlowyAir: he is contradictive and says he doesn't care if we get caught, just think we hung out at the mall together a few weeks ago. However, he has told me he is "not ready to get caught."

    Katie: mine is contradictive a lot of times too. but i dont think it is because they are lying, rather cause their emotional world is so complex. and they want to do everything right, so sometimes they tell things that later they cant keep. i guess when their mood is up, they tend to be optimistic and say 'yes, i wait for you'... and then when their mood is down, they hide away and cant handle situations.

    FlowyAir: I guess I wouldn't have such a hard time dealing with it if I knew he is still planning on being with me when it is all said and done.

    Katie: let me tell you that though we talk a lot about the 'situation', im sure that it is not so easy as that. i mean i read lots of lots of stories here on cancer forums, where the girl/woman was not in a situation like you are at all.... everything was straight and clear.... still the guy was disappearing and coming back constantly... so even if he stays with you when you are done with the separation... you have to count on him coming and going all the time... at least what cancers told me... until they are not trusting you absolutely, but then still they are moody. well it is not easy.

    FlowyAir: For instance,I have asked him if he minds living in the same house where I live now and he has said he doesn't know. I won't be able to keep it unless he puts his name on it with me so I need to know so I can act accordingly.

    Katie: i think this is a very bad idea. from two points already:

    1./ i would not want to start a brand new life with someone in the house where my husband lived with me... and i can even less imagine cancer guy wanting that.

    2./ no way would i ask him to put his name on the house... i understand that you are in love and everyting, but still... you haven't lived with this guy even for a day together... and that is a very big step to do (putting his name on the house)... and i can imagine amongst all the emotional highs and lows of a cancer, plus the 'separation' situation.... and then you ask him whether he wants to put his name there.... i understand you trust him and believe me, i am the same as you... but still... i think when for these people sometimes even fixing a date for tomorrow is hard and 'too emotional', then asking something like this is over the line i think... think about it....

    and i understand the situation with his parents... but please, here i have to say he is an adult.... if he loves someone then he should act accordingly... and the parents should understand it too.

    FlowyAir: We were headed down that road before he came into the picture, but it would have happened a bit slower I have to admit as meeting him caused an "awakening in me.". He has eluded to "not wanting to ruin another man's life" though. I have told him that he is not, it is what needed to happen anyway regardless sooner or later. Then he agrees with me and says he knows and he adds in that my husband and I are not compatible for each other based on his observations. See maybe he does need reassurance then?

    Katie: the same happened with me. 🙂 he was flirting and was very nice with me (exceptionally nice), still he told that he does not want to ruin my relationship... i would think that it is them feeling bad and wanting to hear from your mouth that they havent done anything wrong...

    and about reassurance... of course they need it... but the funny part is, that while they need it, when you give it to them full power, they feel you are hooked on them and then they pull the disappearing act... when you pull back, they get afraid that they lose you, so they come back hard on you... and meanwhile, you shouldnt go nuts and should try to find the balance... LOL

    FlowyAir: See this is where things get tricky - Cancer's naturally tend to get moody and take it out on those they love. They naturally tend to withdraw so it is so very hard to know when it is in response to something in our relationships with them or some other outside trigger.

    Katie: well, what i've learnt from cancers here in the forum, that whether it is your fault or something completely different, the wisest thing to do is give them their space and not hang on them when they pull back... you just go on with your every day life and wait that they come back... Keldjoran (you might have seen his name already around) told me, that i should never ask anything (now im talking about big serious problems)... cause the cancer will tell you what is up, when he is ready for telling it and talk about it. till then if you try to force out an answer... they just pull back even more...

    dont know anyways whether it is a good idea... but i just thought of something right now what im gonna try. im gonna try to mirror him... mirror his actions and behaviors. (actually if i think about it, im kind of doing that already for some time). when he writes, i write back, when he texts i text back. when we meet i wont take his hand or kiss him, only when he does it first. so i hope after a while (if he still really wants me), he will see that until he wont move out of the current behavior, he wont get more from me either... 🙂 i must tell you... in the last two weeks i initiated contact with him only 3 times... 2 times in texting and once an e-mail. but just to be clear, since i turned my behavior and im not initiating... im kind but aloof. i never again wrote down for him that i miss him, that i want to see him, asked when we would meet, etc. nothing at all. you know (and it is not a revenge) he made me break my head about him and his behavior like 6-7 weeks long, while i was depressed, crying etc. now im gonna let him break his head about the reasons of my sudden turn in behavior. see what he can do with it....

    FlowyAir: It is funny you give me this advice as my Cancer guy told me the samething! Ha,ha maybe you are starting to think like them :-). He told me he loved a girl and she didn't love him back so he finally dropped all expectations of her and he kept loving her, but since he didn't expect anything in return he didn't get disappointed or more hurt. I was wondering why would someone ever revert to doing this if someone did not love them back...

    Katie: well you dont have to wonder about that question, cause supposedly our situation is not like that. i just told not to expect anything, cause they are so instable (and no idea if they ever reach to the point of trusting, how smoother this instability will get), so since they come and go, when you have expectations they will time to time always disappoint you. but if you dont expect anything, you wont get upset so easily. actually i learnt already (honestly) not to expect anything from him. and it works fine. now my next goal is how to reach the state, when you can truly enjoy being with him, and when he is not there anymore, dont feel sad and again dont expect anything. it has to be a reall tough job to reach this balance, but i hope im gonna soon master it. 🙂

    FlowyAir: However, no contact whatsoever with me and he doesn't even read my emails.

    Katie: that is why i really truly advise you to stop any kind of attempt to contact him. wait... i know it is hard to wait, but distance will make it even easier for you to learn the things i told you. so use the time while you are not seeing him. build yourself up, build a fortress and think a lot. think a lot how much you are worth for yourself, and how much is he... and how far should you still go (BEING A WOMAN) after him without him really reciprocating? try to be angry with him... not for ever of course, but make yourself angry sometimes about how he behaves... anger is much better than self-pity. 🙂

    now im gone back to work. talk to you later. 🙂



  • FlowyAir: I had a busy day at work sorry this is the first time I can comment on this today although I read your response earlier. Thank you for all your advice it really helps to talk this through with someone that understands the pain of a situation like this. It is enough to drive one f.u.c.king crazy!

    Katie1982: "they want to do everything right, so sometimes they tell things that later they cant keep"

    FlowyAir: Something occurred to me last night that really scared me in my case and may somewhat apply to you in someway also. I thought about how conflicted my Cancer was over the situation - how he didn't want to hurt anyone and he wanted to do what was right and now I'm wondering to myself if he just decided it just isn't right how were going about things and maybe he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me even after the divorce as he may never feel right about how things were handled by either of us leading up to being together. It occurred to me that he may not be able to deal with the fact he may be looked at as a bad guy and there will be speculation about us as we do know some of the same people (similiar to your friend circle) and they will always speculate on when and how we got together plus in my case the father of my child will always be in the picture and there will certainly be hard feelings there when he finds out were together. Personally, I don't care as I know people will get over it and the people that do know us I don't see that often, but he may feel differently. That thought that he will never be with me really stings as I know he gave things alot of thought as he was getting to know me and we both showed caution especially in the beginning. Now that I'm so emotionally invested its hard to think he will just throw our love away because it is easier. In your case though it is more promising as atleast he is still in the picture with you and appears to be trying.

    Katie1982: "Katie: i think this is a very bad idea. from two points already:

    1./ i would not want to start a brand new life with someone in the house where my husband lived with me... and i can even less imagine cancer guy wanting that.

    2./ no way would i ask him to put his name on the house... i understand that you are in love and everyting, but still... you haven't lived with this guy even for a day together... and that is a very big step to do (putting his name on the house)... and i can imagine amongst all the emotional highs and lows of a cancer, plus the 'separation' situation...."

    FlowyAir: Thanks I guess I needed to hear that. I tend to go with my instincts and I had envisioned us living in the house I'm in now. Yeah, I definitely hear what your saying. Again, the part about me having lived there with my husband I just tend to think he understands intuitively speaking that although I have lived in this house with my husband we have been "apart" emotionally and quite seperate in terms of living. I guess though that is alot to ask of anyone. I am learning I guess that I tend to see things through my own rose-colored glasses sometimes even when I think I am taking others views into consideration.

    I'm glad then that I haven't actually asked him yet if he wanted to put his name on the house yet I was about too, but last week when I texted him (which I generally don't do due to the situation) I was going to ask him and basically texted him to call me or give me a time or date so we can talk about some stuff I was planning on doing and I had some questions to ask him too. Come to think of it I may have scared him as he was already withdrawn at this point.

    Katie1982: "and i understand the situation with his parents... but please, here i have to say he is an adult.... if he loves someone then he should act accordingly... and the parents should understand it too."

    FlowyAir: What causes me to worry here is his apparent need of approval that I pick up from him in regards to his parents. He feels his twin brother has let his parents down and doesn't meet their standards. His older brother is extremely smart and successful, but he turned out to have different religious views and gay. and I guess his mom may not be too happy about that as she is really religous and Catholic. So thus he feels he needs to be the good one. It appears he also did not get alot of individual attention when he was a kid too as he is a twin... He did say family is everything... I don't know how I fared/will fare when he weighs things out.

    Katie1982: "dont know anyways whether it is a good idea... but i just thought of something right now what im gonna try. im gonna try to mirror him... mirror his actions and behaviors. (actually if i think about it, im kind of doing that already for some time). when he writes, i write back, when he texts i text back. when we meet i wont take his hand or kiss him, only when he does it first. so i hope after a while (if he still really wants me), he will see that until he wont move out of the current behavior, he wont get more from me either... :"

    FlowyAir: I had just started to do that too because mine had emotionally distanced himself (not in person), but in communication when we were apart (which is almost all the time). I also noticed when I sent him a email every few days sometimes he wouldn't read them all when he did sign in, which really hurt me as I hang on his every word. So since his last withdrawl phase I only emailed me in response to his emails or would just send one email at a time and wait until I had a response. It seemed to be working as he he had initiated emails 2 times in one week until Jan 6th my last point of direct contact with him. He sent me an email I responded probably too quickly back to it this time and outside of reading my response he did not send me another email since then. So I decided I was going to mirror this and I noticed on Sunday he went on about the same time we usually would say goodnight to each other (growing more few and far between). Now I hadn't emailed him in 4 days by this point, but he just signed out after a few minutes. I guess he was just checking to see if I had been online or maybe he was hoping I'd see him online and send him an email I really don't know. He had just got home after working another 12 hour shift. So I felt happy to know he was thinking about me. However, after that he NEVER signed in again to his account and that was 9 days ago. That was the last time I knew he was even still somewhat invested in the relationship. I had a feeling if I pulled back email wise he might withdraw again, but not sure if that is what caused it ultimately or not or if so why. I know in the past when things were really good communication wise he would miss a day emailing me and just say he had been busy or sometimes not acknowledge it even, but one time I did and he told me he hadn't heard from me and he had been sad. In December I told him I was going to stop sending him so many emails as I knew he was busy and he said he liked getting them especially the goodnight ones. (this is when I knew he hadn't been reading them all & sometimes went days before reading them) but he didn't know I knew this apparently. So go figure.. Not sure if the mirroring works with him atleast.

    Katie1982: "im kind but aloof. i never again wrote down for him that i miss him, that i want to see him, asked when we would meet, etc. nothing at all. you know (and it is not a revenge) he made me break my head about him and his behavior like 6-7 weeks long, while i was depressed, crying etc. now im gonna let him break his head about the reasons of my sudden turn in behavior. see what he can do with it...."

    FlowyAir: I understand where your coming from - my only caution to you would be my understanding is most (not sure if all) Cancers NEED to feel nurtured and cared for, however, not smothered - (allowed generous breathing room and understanding during that time) and it is a delicate balance. So I would recommend you to still show concern and care for him and be appreciative verbally of him whether it be complements or recognizing something he is doing while still keeping a safe distance emotionally for your own sanity. I just wouldn't want you to make the wedge any bigger between the two of you by appearing indifferent (which we Aquariuses can be quite good at naturally sometimes). I guess alotting him unpressured time for himself and you having your own accomplishments while still showing you care about him should do it. 🙂 Hopefully, it is such a work in progress understanding them tweaking I think may be essential to getting it right.



  • FlowyAir: Katie - I just wanted to elaborate on this point a bit more directly then I did above as to how I thought it might apply in your case.

    Katie1982: "they want to do everything right, so sometimes they tell things that later they cant keep" "sometimes he mentioned that he is sad and sorry for a lot of things.. but he never spoke anything exact out. (he really seemed sad). "

    FlowyAir: I was just thinking maybe your Cancer guy is withdrawing somewhat emotionally (just speculation on my part from hearing he had been a bit conflicted too about the situation & how you have the same circle of friends) because he is having a hard time facing and coming to terms with knowing that he had been friends with you while you were in your relationship and maybe your significant others friend too. Maybe he is having a hard time coming to terms with feeling "right" about how things were handled or just putting it into an acceptable perspective for himself. I mean I notice even with my Cancer he will think things through over and over and from all angles and want to feel he does things "right" in the end relationship wise and money wise and if he doesn't feel it is right he will keep thinking of ways to make things right. Or he may just be scared now that the "safety net" is gone and he is being overly cautious before sinking his claws into you so to speak.



  • I have caught him cheating on me at least twice. If i leave my standard of living goes down substantially. I think he wants his cake and eat it too. If only I could be so lucky!



  • so what should you do when your cancer guy stops talking to you? this guy that i used to talk to a lot over the phone and we were considering having a relationship has stopped contacting me after a decision to just be friends due to distance, lack of seeing one another, and a semi-interested girl that he lives by. i know that cancers are known for their "withdrawals" in order to collect their thoughts and such... but it seems like he has just stopped talking to me only.

    i feel like i should just give up and just accept this as a letdown. but, i can't help hoping that things will turn around though since he was the one who expressed interest in me first... until he brought up this female friend of his that he also has feelings for (part of the reason he brought her up was to make me jealous though, i am sure). before, he would always talk to me first... now he never messages me first and it seems like whenever i do initiate conversation, he gives me short distant answerst that shut down communication altogether.

    should i wait it out or still try to reach out to him?



  • eleanorforigzle: first of all welcome to the forum amongst the women who suffer the crab treatment. 🙂

    could you maybe tell in more details the story/your relation to this cancer guy? might help us figure out/guess things more. (no worries if it is a long story, we - at least i - will read it.)

    some general remarks meanwhile:

    1./ they are generally insecure, and afraid of getting hurt, so the distance can be a real reason for him.

    2./ they say it takes a long time (or never) that a cancer get over someone whom he ever loved/cared for and they possibly change their decisions later. so i guess there is hope. it is a good sign (if you read through other threads about cancer men) that whenever you initiate a convo, he answers you. some simply ignore you, when back in their shells.

    3./ eleanorforigzle: i can't help hoping that things will turn around though since he was the one who expressed interest in me first...

    katie: yes, this is the tricky part... as much as i read stories here all around, women are never the ones who express their interest in them first... they are always the initiators... and then get insecure or confused or whatever and they pull back...

    i'm sure you wont be able to give it up at all, but - right now not knowing your circumstances completely - i think you should wait it out for some time, to have some proof whether if you shut down completely he will search you after a while or not.



  • Well, I beg to differ on this subject. I don't think that Cancer men always ''initiate'' the contact. I never did. I always knew when a girl liked me though because as Cancers , we can feel it. Then we know we have you in our ''pinchers.'' It's usually right off the bat, if we like you or not. It's cut and dry pretty much. Sometimes women will analyze us too much, which on the contrary, is what alot of you are doing. Honestly, we sit and laugh about it. You're trying too hard when we're just going to leave anyway. Once you become a drama Queen, see ya later! If you're a keeper, there are reasons, and we'll never leave.



  • FlowyAir: Thank you for all your advice it really helps to talk this through with someone that understands the pain of a situation like this. It is enough to drive one f.u.c.king crazy!

    Katie: hey, you are most welcome and you don't even need to say thanks, cause i know how i felt when i went through it the hard way and this forum REALLY helped me through it. so i WANT to help everyone i can, cause i know what a torture it can be sometimes.

    FlowyAir: Something occurred to me last night that really scared me... I thought about how conflicted my Cancer was over the situation - how he didn't want to hurt anyone and he wanted to do what was right and now I'm wondering to myself if he just decided it just isn't right how were going about things and maybe he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me even after the divorce as he may never feel right about how things were handled by either of us leading up to being together.

    Katie: first of all, there is this famous saying: 'It takes two to tango.' He was in this the same way as you were. I don't think you held a gun to his head. Again i say, he has to be adult enough (how old is he? i read long time ago your whole story but don't remember this detail).

    And it is very beautiful that he didn't/doesn't want to hurt anyone, neither wants mine, and neither want I and you i guess. First i was very very conflicted about feeling this way towards mine, while i was still in a relationship. But my remarks on something like this in general:

    1./ no one can 'ruin' a relationship, a marriage in case that relation is going good. you would have never went on the way with your guy, if your marriage were alright. Or?

    2./ most of the times, with people who can live through deep emotions, feelings sweep away EVERYTHING. i know it is ugly, but still... would you stay in a marriage, just to 'behave right' and settle for all your life and be unhappy? and feel regret over what you could have done but haven't?

    3./ there are certain situations, where you simply can't act in a way that it is good for everyone. you can't stay in your marriage, meanwhile have a happy relationship with your crab and not hurt anyone with it. sometimes someone has to get hurt, but anyways i think even if your husband gets 'hurt', in the long run it is the best you can do to him (to divorce him), because i assume you both are still young, and none of you want to 'waste' your time in a relationship which is not fulfilling.

    And back to crab guy and whether he might made up his mind... well, i think he was clear with the situation and what is to come, from the beginning. and he went into it still... so you should not feel guilty now or whatever. don't let yourself be deceived by his puppy eyes and dramatic things, cause he has the same responsibility here. dont forget that! and if he rather gets out of it at the end... than i think he is kind of coward. but let me tell you one thing i realized about my situation... i thought the same some time ago about my crab. and then i thought, well, if he makes up his mind, then at least he was good for something... make me finally do the move i was postponing all the time and break up from my bad relationship. now i'm 'free' and i am so happy i've done it, independently from staying with my crab at the end or not. 🙂

    FlowyAir: your case though it is more promising as atleast he is still in the picture with you and appears to be trying.

    Katie: yes, now he is more or less back in the picture... but i think it is mainly due my 'behavior turn' of the last 3 weeks (since the 1st of January). you don't know what he brought me through before that. we agreed on spending some time together during xmas holidays, and be together on NY's Eve... what do you think came out of that? no xmas together and no NY's... and for me that was the last drop in the glass, it spilled over and i changed my attitude.

    so yes, you have to show yours all what i've told earlier. and see whether he bites on that or not... then you'll be at least one step forward.

    FlowyAir: Thanks I guess I needed to hear that. I tend to go with my instincts....

    Katie: Don't worry. I tend to be that way too. if i'm in love i take all these things natural and share all i have. and i don't think others take it in a bad way, it just might scare them.

    FlowyAir: I just tend to think he understands intuitively speaking that although I have lived in this house with my husband we have been "apart" emotionally and quite seperate in terms of living.

    Katie: no, no and no. 🙂 i think it is all the same whether you were emotionally grown apart or not, you lived there TOGETHER. it's the concept itself. i am not a crab, but it would probably disturb me too.

    for example, in my crab situation, in the circle of friends there is another girl. and my crab dated that girl for like one and a half month. it is complicated, cause they dated in secret too, i'm the only one who knows it. i am dating my cancer now in secret too and the ex girl does not know about me (i think she would freak out). but what i wanted to tell is: lot of times when i look at the girl, i imagine things you know. like how it was when they were together, what they have done, that she slept in the same bed i sleep in now, what he liked about her etc.etc... constantly feeling bad. and it was only one and a half month they were together and they constantly fought and f.u.c.k.e.d up each other. and then once it hit me, if i am so much disturbed by this girl... what does my crab think about my 5 year relationship with my ex, whom he by the way knows...

    FlowyAir: What causes me to worry here is his apparent need of approval that I pick up from him in regards to his parents.

    Katie: i understand this. but this is really entirely his thing to deal with, you can't do anything with it.

    FlowyAir: I had just started to do that too because mine had emotionally distanced himself (not in person), but in communication when we were apart (which is almost all the time). I had a feeling if I pulled back email wise he might withdraw again, but not sure if that is what caused it ultimately or not or if so why. Not sure if the mirroring works with him atleast.

    Katie: of course you can't be sure of the mirroring working or not, until some time passes. but you have to give it time. it is hard to find the balance. maybe mirroring was not the exact thing i wanted to say.

    see, im not completely mirroring him. cause even if he answers my e-mails fast for days, i still keep myself back and answer maybe just the next day etc. i don't want him to get the impression that as soon as he moves his 'little finger' im immediately jumped back in. i make him really work for it. i want him to appreciate it and not take it granted.

    and with your crab... you have to give it time. i would say, don't contact for him at all... if it is two or three weeks more and it is hard, still don't do it. this is the only way to see a bit clearer (whether he will break the silence or not). and you can't be blamed, you tried and he still is withdrawn, so you can tell if he would 'complain' (cause they do it so good) that you tried but after a while you thought you leave him alone.

    i worked out for it such a good way with mine. first of all, at xmas time when we met shortly with the friends, later he brought me to my bus, and was all puppy eyes, how much he missed me etc. i sat on the bus, and then he sends me a textmsg in a minute telling: 'i feel so stupid to let you go...' meaning we should have spent some more time together. and i only wrote back: 'i'm sad for a lot of things and wish some things. what i wish most is to be with you, but i've done already everything i could.' so this had to be a msg for him to understand where i stand at. and then in a week or so i pulled back... so i guess now he is wondering what he should do... but i let him wonder (he made me wonder and suffer long enough) and i won't ease his wondering that is for sure.

    FlowyAir: I understand where your coming from - my only caution to you would be my understanding is most (not sure if all) Cancers NEED to feel nurtured and cared for, however, not smothered - (allowed generous breathing room and understanding during that time) and it is a delicate balance. So I would recommend you to still show concern and care for him and be appreciative verbally of him whether it be complements or recognizing something he is doing while still keeping a safe distance emotionally for your own sanity. I just wouldn't want you to make the wedge any bigger between the two of you by appearing indifferent (which we Aquariuses can be quite good at naturally sometimes).

    Katie: i understand what you say. and i don't show indifference to him. i show care, but i wont nurture his ego until he won't put more VISIBLE effort into our relationship. cause he might be suffering and thinking a lot when he is alone, and he might miss me and has deep emotions towards me... but he does not show anything or just a tiny little from it and im not a mind reader. so i want him to stand straight and have the b.a.l.l.s to show/tell how he feels. and i dont want a huge commitment... i dont want to press anything on him... but some stability...

    and if he will leave me cause im not caring enough, then it is his problem, cause i think it would be unfair to expect me to care, when he does not put enough effort... so dont misunderstand me, i love him, i want to be with him, but NOT BY ALL MEANS.

    hope you have a nice day! 🙂 again, nice talking to you.



  • WaterMan79: Well, I beg to differ on this subject. I don't think that Cancer men always ''initiate'' the contact. I never did. I always knew when a girl liked me though because as Cancers , we can feel it. Then we know we have you in our ''pinchers.'' It's usually right off the bat, if we like you or not. It's cut and dry pretty much. Sometimes women will analyze us too much, which on the contrary, is what alot of you are doing. Honestly, we sit and laugh about it. You're trying too hard when we're just going to leave anyway. Once you become a drama Queen, see ya later! If you're a keeper, there are reasons, and we'll never leave.

    Katie: thanks for the input, i always appreciate it (it is not meant with sarcasm). im not sure i said 'always initiate the contact', but that most of the times in these stories here, they did.

    im sorry to say, but how you behave a lot of times not a surprise that some women analyze too much... and sitting back and laughing is not the nicest thing, but if you feel comfortable with it, it's cool. i generally try to treat people in a way, how i would like to be treated.

    anyways, i think that behaving certain ways with other people is not a cancer trait, it's a human trait, someone does it someone doesnt.

    a last note on 'we trying too hard while you will leave anyways'. maybe we would not try so hard if you could just simply be fair and straight and tell it's over and you're leaving. would spare some people some heartache...



  • Katie1982 has a good point. Why not just tell her flat out that she isn't the type of girl yo would get serious about?

    I'm about ready to throw in the towel with my guy. He used to have a bag of tricks that kept me in line. He knows I'm ready to walk and he has pulled them all out of the bag. None of them are working. They have always worked before and he can't understand why they aren't this time. I was always told to stay until you get a gut full so when you walk , you won't look back. He said last night that he felt like the end is coming. I told him ," Of course you do. It is!" I'm watching and waiting. His actions now determine the course of my actions. I haven't drawn a line in the sand. It's in concrete. The mind games get old. After months and years of fighting and scratching you get sick of it. I've came to the conclusion that if you have to play to hard, fight too hard and work too hard, it isn't worth it. Love should come naturally. If you have to fight and play games to make him do the right thing by you then you can guess that he is not " in love". You're just Ms. Right Now. A guy will fall all over himself for a girl he is crazy about. He wants the best for her. She's not just somebody he's with. She's his life. I want THAT. Not a guy I have to wonder about all the time. While I truly love my guy, I deserve someone who loves and respects me too and so do all of you.

    I see several girls on this board that torture themselves as much as I do. What for? Is it really worth it? Do you really want a guy who , Every time you look at him, you realize he just dangled you on a string? While he takes everything you offer ,you have to " Prove" your love to him and then he will decide without giving you anything but enough crumbs to keep you hanging on in return? Seriously? He has to decide of your good enough? " A Keeper"? Men and women aren't that different. They may express things differently sometimes but the emotions are the same. When they have found "The One" they don't keep shopping around or take forever to make up their mind. They go for it because the feeling is too strong to ignore.

    Sorry for rambling but I've had this on my mind lately. I've talked to a lot of my male friends who say that I am exactly right. They tell me they can't believe that I've stayed in my situation as long as I have. I've been hearing that for years. When someone loves you they will make you a priority and not just take you along for the ride. That is what love is. I read somewhere that real love is a verb. I'm coming to realize that it's true. People can tell you whatever they want. It's their actions that tell you the truth. Take a fool's advise because I've learned the hard way! Don't analyze him. Analyze your situation and his actions because that where your answers are. Doesn't matter what sign they are. That's a universal truth. If he cares for you , he will make it known to you and not by the words that come out of his mouth.



  • Waterman79: "Well, I beg to differ on this subject. I don't think that Cancer men always ''initiate'' the contact. I never did. I always knew when a girl liked me though because as Cancers , we can feel it."

    FlowyAir: I actually reached out to the Cancer guy I'm dealing with first too. He seemed to like that. I've heard they can be shy so they like it when others initiate. However, I must say once a relationship is started they seem to take control and go in with everything they have laying out all their charm upfront. Then it seems they pull back after that. Perhaps, after they've invested themselves emotionally upfront they just sit back and analyze us to see how much we appreciate them and evaluate if it is worth it for them to go any further and risk really hurting themselves if we are not the "one" for them in the end.



  • Katie1982: "Katie: first of all, there is this famous saying: 'It takes two to tango.' He was in this the same way as you were. I don't think you held a gun to his head. Again i say, he has to be adult enough (how old is he? i read long time ago your whole story but don't remember this detail).

    And it is very beautiful that he didn't/doesn't want to hurt anyone, neither wants mine, and neither want I and you i guess. First i was very very conflicted about feeling this way towards mine, while i was still in a relationship. But my remarks on something like this in general:

    1./ no one can 'ruin' a relationship, a marriage in case that relation is going good. you would have never went on the way with your guy, if your marriage were alright. Or?

    2./ most of the times, with people who can live through deep emotions, feelings sweep away EVERYTHING. i know it is ugly, but still... would you stay in a marriage, just to 'behave right' and settle for all your life and be unhappy? and feel regret over what you could have done but haven't?

    3./ there are certain situations, where you simply can't act in a way that it is good for everyone. you can't stay in your marriage, meanwhile have a happy relationship with your crab and not hurt anyone with it. sometimes someone has to get hurt, but anyways i think even if your husband gets 'hurt', in the long run it is the best you can do to him (to divorce him), because i assume you both are still young, and none of you want to 'waste' your time in a relationship which is not fulfilling. "

    FlowyAir: Your 100% right. He did know upfront and yes, I don't think he can really hold it against me as what happened between us happened slowly - we took our time and both made a mutual decision. Although I know feelings as they grow more intense complicate things, but you would think if his feelings were growing for me it would further support reason to see this through to the end. I just don't get it.

    Excellent points Katie about the reasons for a relationship starting while being in the midst of another relationship. It can be a very debilitating situation when you've been in a long term relationship and sometimes you don't realize just how unhappy you really are as you get used to "settling" into life and just going through the motions until like in my case you get unintentially woken up one day by feelings you had forgotten you even had stirring within. I don't think anyone should "settle" in life and remain unhappy just because it is easier or they feel obligated to do so.

    I agree also with your points about none of us wanting to hurt anyone. Exactly so! I have told this Cancer guy the same thing that I didn't want to hurt anyone either, but it was going to happen with or without him in the picture as it was inevitable. Like you said he knew this from the beginning and still consistently he has said he will see it out to the end. He felt bad that he had "awakened me " so to speak and said sometimes he thinks it would have been better if I just went about my life blindly, but not realizing it. I was like that is terrible though and not right either and he was like I know... Again contradictive stuff. I tried to help him understand the point I'm at by bringing this point home with him using the example of his ex girlfriend, he had told me he had adored her and she had alot of emotional problems and treated him really badly for 2 1/2 weeks out of each month, yet he had decided to get engaged to her. In the end she ended things with him before they got married/ bought a house together. So I said what if she hadn't ended things with you and you guys got married and you kept giving and giving hoping she would change but she never did - would you stay in the marriage or get out while your both still young so you don't waste your life any further once you realize nothing will ever change? He said that helped him see things from a different perspective - that was back in December... Btw, I am 33 and the Cancer guy is 31 were both pretty active and into health and fitness. He comes across as a young 31 though. We both have expressed doubts at times about what the right thing to do is and one of us always ends up reassuring the other we are doing the right thing as we have to do what is right in our hearts and in our guts we can't listen to others that aren't in our places. He has even went as far as to say that sometimes people make pacts in a past life to come back and find each other in the next life. He has made many comments when I think back indicating that we are soul mates from the first day we met, but without ever using the term. Ultimately, I think he is looking out for himself in the end here as it seems he doesn't want to be the "cause" of people getting hurt. I don't think he wants to look like the bad guy here.

    Katie1982: "Katie: yes, now he is more or less back in the picture... but i think it is mainly due my 'behavior turn' of the last 3 weeks (since the 1st of January). you don't know what he brought me through before that. we agreed on spending some time together during xmas holidays, and be together on NY's Eve... what do you think came out of that? no xmas together and no NY's... and for me that was the last drop in the glass, it spilled over and i changed my attitude.

    so yes, you have to show yours all what i've told earlier. and see whether he bites on that or not... then you'll be at least one step forward. "

    FlowyAir: I see what you mean. It is very nerve wrenching to be waiting until the last minute to confirm plans of being together especially on special holidays - you would think they would want to be with the one they love during these times, right? Although, my case is a bit different then yours and we know we can't be together on holidays right now he still has pulled this last minute stuff with me too. Although I'd say he has gotten somewhat better now he usually makes plans a day or two in advance. My experience though has been very erratic. Thanksgiving he emailed me right away and was very sentimental saying if I had stopped over his parents house he might not have been able to hide his feelings for me. Then Christmas (while in one of his withdrawls from me) I didn't even hear from him until I texted him at night (usually I don't text I send an email, but he wouldn't respond to email) and he didn't even wish me a Merry Christmas. On New Year's Eve, he was online but never sent me a message the next day I bumped into him unplanned at the mall and he said he was going to send me a message "but he didn't know what happened." I said maybe you fell asleep (as his lights went out right before midnight), but he said no. Most other times he'll ask to see me the next day then never confirms it I end up then confirming plans and then they happen. In November I got a bit tired of it and when he asked to see me tomorrow and tomorrow came and I didn't hear from him I didn't initiate contact at all that afternoon. Needless, to say the plans fell through. I noticed he went online though a couple times and then he withdrew completely on me for the next couple of days and didn't answer any emails. Then he sent me a long email about how reclusive he had become, and he felt ill, partly because he was lonely and he just wanted to come home to me.... After that day though he seemed better at taking the initiative more. So based on this I think your doing the right think with making him work for things as that seems to be the way they like it.

    Katie1982: see, im not completely mirroring him. cause even if he answers my e-mails fast for days, i still keep myself back and answer maybe just the next day etc. i don't want him to get the impression that as soon as he moves his 'little finger' im immediately jumped back in. i make him really work for it. i want him to appreciate it and not take it granted.

    FlowyAir: Well you'll have to keep me posted on this as I just started doing this myself and thought it was working, but now he just dissappeared completely on me so I don't know. I total understand the logic behind it though. Infact, a cancer male said on another site something very interesting and I'll have to find it and post it here, but it has to do with "breaking their shells."

    Katie1982: "and with your crab... you have to give it time. i would say, don't contact for him at all... if it is two or three weeks more and it is hard, still don't do it. this is the only way to see a bit clearer (whether he will break the silence or not). and you can't be blamed, you tried and he still is withdrawn, so you can tell if he would 'complain' (cause they do it so good) that you tried but after a while you thought you leave him alone."

    FlowyAir: Yup, I'm trying it is hard last night I almost broke down and sent him a long text reassuring him of my plans- but I didn't. I no longer feel he is doing this because he doesn't want to be with me because of "my choice of seeing him while married." I think it is because:

    1. He is lonely as he has mentioned on more than one occasion. Although he has said I could fill that loneliness. I guess I have to be living with him to do that - as he always says he wants to fall asleep holding me and he wants someone to come home too.

    2. He is afraid of getting caught and the consequences and Cancers don't like to deal with stressful situations - they avoid them.

    So that being said I'm not sure he's coming back to me now. It really hurts after all these months I've started to get insecure many times and even started showing it sometimes, but when I would always think the worse he would prove me wrong or surprise me by coming through before - and he remained consistent always about being with me in the end and always talked about seeing me in the future. Not sure how he could switch his feelings off like this and I don't think I imagined his feelings for me out my own needs - my intuition is very protective of me.

    Katie1982: "and then he sends me a textmsg in a minute telling: 'i feel so stupid to let you go...' meaning we should have spent some more time together. and i only wrote back: 'i'm sad for a lot of things and wish some things. what i wish most is to be with you, but i've done already everything i could.' so this had to be a msg for him to understand where i stand at. and then in a week or so i pulled back... so i guess now he is wondering what he should do... but i let him wonder (he made me wonder and suffer long enough) and i won't ease his wondering that is for sure."

    FlowyAir: I think that was a good move on your part. As you reassured him that you want to be with him, but also let him know you had expectations from him by saying "I've done already everything I could" also good you told him how it made you feel saying you felt sad as Cancers don't like to hear that people they care about are sad, (but they make us this way) now you left it open and the ball is in his court now. Has he told you he wants a family? How old is he? Most Cancer men want families and a home. Just curious as that is a driving force for many of them.

    Nice talking to you too! Thanks for the excellent advice as usual!! This uncertainty is such a b.i.t.c.h. !!

    Have a goodnight - if your not already sleeping! 🙂



  • Here is a quote taken off a site about Cancers made anonymously by a Cancer male - no age was given, but the rest of his post was a bit cocky. I think we need to take it with a grain of salt, but it is some additional insight on atleast some Cancer mens' thinking.

    "Just a word of advice to keep cancer man. What you see on the surface, is not, most of the time, who he is. You will understand a cancer man fully only after you break his very shell. Let yourself fall in love with him. This isn't the hard step, he'll make give his heart and you can't say no to him. But but BUT, if he shows even a lil bit of clinginess, or his raw anger in him.. break up with him. You, my dear lady, have to show you are willing to give up relationship. This completely throws a cancer man. And then the real magic begins. The real man comes out of his shell, and will try to win u over.. with genuine intentions. That's all."



  • PiscesParadox: sorry, i'm not familiar with your story, im gonna go back and read it later. 🙂



  • FlowyAir: thanks for the 'quote', it is really useful. so i might be on the good way. LOL and i am not sleeping yet, it is only quarter to 9pm so im gonna answer now your long comment, though it will take time. LOL


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