Cancer man, and he is confusing



  • hi 2know....Mine I call jaime. It is a pet name his mother had for him. I never assume things with him. If I am going to do things or want to do things I don't surprise him. I tell him I want to surprise him with whatever and he lets me know if he wants to be surprised. We were each others first loves in high school. I know I am in love with him and he tells me he loves me. I had ben trying to get him to call me again for 2 weeks. I finally stopped mentioning it and TADA he calls. For some reason all things need to be their idea. You can hint but make it real obvious. ex: golly looks like I have a flat tire what ever shall I do? Let them be your night in shining armor, add some casual chit chat and lighten up the conversation with something funny and intersperse with a little private asside. I thought mine had gone off the deep end and I started sending him a bunch of email. He finally tells me he just wanted to know his reason for going to Iraq in the first place. It took me a little bit to figure out if you can mirror their moves, they are happy and they love to fix things. Just don't make it too indepth. The best I can describe it is like this. Treat your cancer like he is your best girl friend. It may not make sense right now but it will later down the road. Yes Jaime was the one that suggeted moving to Iraq. There are certifications I need and i need training. I don't test well and there are other jobs I can get to get more experience. I will probably stay stateside and we are going to take a trip Jan to mar to italy. All of these plans he has initiated. Just feel him and if he is pulling away then you cool your jets as well. Good luck all



  • CC-Congratulations if you can finally give voice to your wants and needs in the relationship and that way you don't have to worry about what he's thinking, you will know. A person CAN be in love with more then one person at a time, it's just choosing the right one for us, that's the hard part. I still love my first love and my oldest childs father and he still loves me, even though we haven't been with each other in over 20 years and he's married to another woman. Just don't let your anger about him dragging his feet and being indecisive make you throw away something that could be good, so long as you communicate your feelings and wants and needs. Guys can't read our minds and storming off because he doesn't do something a certain way is not going to make you feel better. You two have been friends for a long time. Forget that he has 3 legs and treat him like a human that has all the human flaws. You know men love deeper and harder then women, But, they don't have the outlets for the hurt like we do. he REALLY, REALLY wants you there. Make sure you make it known what you NEED.



  • LittleBrown Sparrow- It's good you have a sense of humor because your going to need it!! My Cancer went through a very bad, costly divorce and he put it in his mind "Never again" I even told him that's what he said to himself, . I know it because after my costly divorce, I said the same thing!! Mine was over 18 years ago and his was 11. NEVER expect a phone call unless you have something already planned. Mine can be a brat too. But, then, most guys I've dated have been! He can get sarcastic and I know he means for it to sound funny but, he's a serious person, I laugh, I don't take things personally anyway! He is getting better at his delivery! He's the oldest and I'm the youngest in my family so he's the responsible type and I like to play and socialize and tell jokes! Trust is a BIG issue, it is for me too. I know it sounds cynical but, there aren't too many people that are worthy of trust, now days and I think a lot of Cancers feel that way too. So getting a Cancer to trust you and let you into their private world is a rare thing. He and I have been together 5 months and been a couple for almost 2. I know a lot about him and his house, but he doesn't really know a lot about me. I can talk a lot and tell you nothing about me! We do trust each other, It's more instinctive now. Make sure you keep your life that you had before you met him, you need things to occupy your time! They run hot and cold so don't take it personally, just do what you feel you need to do, in the relationship, to keep communication open. I text mine, whenever I want to, even if he hadn't responded to the last 4 or 5....days later, he will answer something I asked 3 days ago, like I just asked it, They will try your patience and you'll feel like your bucking for sainthood! at times. But, it's just something about the "connection" that keeps you staying in there.



  • hey karma-i hope you are o.k., i am sorry, but i do totally understand you saying all that you did especially about not wanting to hurt him by going out with other guys; what is with the ex thing? i told j once a long time ago "of course you are in love with her, you have two children with her" and he told me then "well, it's not quite like that...and i will get over it one day" i sometimes think it is just an easy cop out. i think it was the right thing to do too, going to his house after so long a person can only withstand so much and you deserve to know! i just want to say this to you, you are a gorgeous woman and you have SO much going on for yourself-especially at your age. along with that good head on your shoulders too. it will hurt, and probably for a long time. 1st love still holds a special place in my heart. remember the saying "if you love something, set it free. if it comes back to you it was yours to keep. if it doesn't it wasn't meant to be" for some reason 13 yrs. ago when my fiance of 4 yrs. dumped me and married another; someone reminded me of that and it was like an ephiphany and did bring comfort to me. i hope it does for you. will you still keep in touch? atleast on FB? and you have my email if you need me for anything i'm there! i wish you love & luck. i am almost finished reading the beotch book and i did see a lot of me in it, like you said! also finding ways to improve my skills-keep walking around with it! it took me a very long time and a lot of hard lessons to finally realize my worth as intelligent as you are, i can see you picking up quicker!



  • first i have to tell what happened after work last night. as i said, he told me he was going home to sleep early, so i didn't expect a call to or from him. my friend the bartender had texted me that she was in deep S*** and needed to talk to me, please come down. so i did and this place is all windows on the front. i thought i saw his truck go by but wasn't sure. about 20 minutes later, who pulls up and strolls in-yes j! he took my breath away, i was so happy but i remained calm. long story short, i did go to his house again, and when we went to bed i was going to do as i have been and stay on my side etc., well, he had a different mindset. that made me feel so much better, if he is not in love with me, he sure can act well. he was so tender and then he had some part of him touching me all night. this morning we woke for a minute and then he took me and held me while we slept a while longer.

    2know-thank you for the calming feedback :+) i do know it is possible to love more than one person, i have myself at some point i think we all do.

    she is remarried anyway. and if i have to sever ties, i won't storm, i have too much dignity for that; i would talk to him nicely because you are right we have been friends too long. i'm sure too he gets more than 1 week. i just get frustrated because he says one thing but acts the other! that is probably why i am so crazy about him. i have never pressured him for commitment, it has been monogamous because we don't want for anyone else right now. all i asked as far as that was concerned is honesty when/if he does choose to go there; so i will make sure to be doubly safe with him and i would not go there unless i'm 100% sure we are done. also, so i could have that open option-make sense?

    so sainthood it is! LoL

    anteeboo-great points all of them from all 3.

    well it's about quitting time. he has had my bartender friend send me a text that he has my bathing suit and i have NO clue how he would get ahold of one?! is that his way of saying come down after work. ALL my friends are there. not sure what i will do...

    good night all! thanks again



  • well, i swear this guy makes me do and say things i normally wouldn't! i guess as long as i let him say we aren't in a relationship, it works better. even though i've never tried to label it or asked that he did. after work i saw him, we went to a party at some of his long time friends i had met them a couple times but never been around them much. i was sitting in the pool on the steps and he sat above me with me between his legs and he kept kissing me on top of my head and stuff like that. then we had another wonderful night of "pillow talk"

    today he actually asked me to meet him at that b'day party when i get off work. i wish this forum was fixed and that some people would be on here today. this is my last night to work so i have ants in my pants and there is nothing much going on. i want to pass time!

    anyway i'll check back. hope y'all are having a good saturday.



  • CC I am so happy for you. I don't know why but it really seem Cancers aren't happy unless they truely are the "captain" of the ship. As long as they are directing the play so to speak (sorry for all of the corny analogies) then they can speed it up or slow it down at their leasure. Just go along for the ride and have fun. If you make it to then end and get the gold ring then what more could you ask for? I did something stupid and fell and hurt my ankle and didn't have a way to the hospital and emailed mine that the only person that could help me was an ex husband and he said dont ask me...its up to you. That stung a little but that is ok i keep forgetting long long distance relationship. I love him and I know he loves me.



  • anteeboo-sorry you hurt yourself. glad it wasn't a break! i am one of the world's biggest klutz's and will fall down for no good reason. once i fell down stairs with a glass in my hand and it cut deep so i had to have 2 inches of nerve taken from my foot and grafted into my hand. and i am NEVER without a bruise somewhere LoL

    thank you for sharing my happiness, i'm sure you have your share of this kind of stuff with yours! one question-will we ever figure out when we ride it out till the end and get the gold ring 😉

    one of my biggest problems is i'm a virgo and my mind analyzes every little thing and we are also natural worriers so if i'm not careful i can make an ant hill into mt. st. helen! also he was quite the player when we met and there are so many who have tried and still try to get his attention longer than a night or couple of weeks and i still am amazed that i am the one who captured his attention and for 8 months have kept it. i am a flirt too and always told i'm pretty or s*xy so i'm not insecure about my potential. i just usually figure out people so quickly and to an extent i know him. i haven't given my heart in 13 years and i fear that one day he will walk away and not come back. i haven't had him do the disappearing stuff like a lot on here. maybe a day or two, but no more than that. i also am 11 yrs. older than he is but it isn't an issue. 45 but most people guess anywhere from 28 to 35; size 1. one day i am going to get older than him and some pretty young thing will get him. until then i will love him with my whole being!



  • CC... we have more in common than you know. I too am a flirt and went for younger men,. In fact I married 2 and one was a Cancer. For some reason, they really like the chase and the more problems they can fix for you the more they liked it. What you need to do is not focus on the gold ring just enjoy the roller coaster ride. About the time you think you have them all figured out they pull the old switcheroo. I have a habit of over analizing things too. You have a distinct advantage. You have seen him more recent than I have mine. it has been 37 years since i have kissed, touched or seen mine. I wont see him until august. He is half a world away. Mine told me he had been emailing others up to about 6 or 8 months ago. When we started emailing heavily he stopped emailing them. It is kind of a tug of war in some instances. we hurry up then we slow down then we hurry up again. I think it means they want it every bit as much as we do they are just afraid to be hurt but they know what they want and they just test us. They want someone that is going to be there and that they can count on. As far as looks, Isaw mine the last timewhen I was 14 and I had not blossomed. I sent him a pic of me and he informed me that that was nice but he was looking for someone with my eyes and face shape and what is inside. I told him he didn't have to travel the world to find that. I was here all along. Most people when they get a present don't keep the wrapping paper and throw the gift away. Good luck.



  • I am so grateful to have stumbled on to this thread. (Although I believe that everything happens for a reason.) I have been married to a Cancer man for over 20 years. we were high school sweethearts and have two beautiful children. My guy is definitely a classic cancer! Total family man, overly attached to his mother, hides his feelings, moody, etc., etc. Reading these posts has really helped me to gain some insight into this very complicated relationship that I have had for all these years. Here's the the thing though. My guy had an affair about two years ago. He actually fell in love with a someone who works for him. When I found out about it, I naturally kicked his butt out. I was so devastated. I really believe that someone could die from a broken heart. I think I might have if I didn't have my kids to think about. Anyway, the day after I threw him out, he was back begging for another chance. I was so happy. I knew deep down that he really loved me, but I let him cool his heels for a week (yes, only a week) before I took him back. I asked him if he was going to fire the woman he had had the affair with. He said no. He didn't think she deserved to lose her job because he had been stupid. I wasn't happy with his decision, but I took him back anyway. Well, it's been two years and things have never been the same. I have major trust issues. I have major anger issues. We have been to counseling, but it hasn't done much good. Ever since the affair he has been distant and withdrawn. He goes through the motions, but I don't feel any emotional connection with him. I have tried and tried to talk to him and let him know that I am hurting and it just seems to push him further and further away. I have told him that if he wants to be with this other woman that he can go. I won't stop him. We will always be friends and can still raise our children together. He claims he is not in love with her, but I just don't know. My psychic told me that he is confused and just doesn't know what he wants right now. Well, I know what I want and it sure as hell isn't this. But every time I make up my mind to leave, he does something that makes me think that everything will be okay.

    I am so tired of crying and being depressed. I love this man with all my heart and I want it to work out, but I don't know how much longer I can go on. Yet the thought of living without him seems unbearable. I am a real mess. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated.



  • If it were me and in some instances it has been and is, I woould say point blank she needs to go or I will. If you leave the door ajar like that then they think that you don't really care. I don't pretend to know all there is about Cancers but I dated one for many years before I married him and he was controlling until he overstepped his bounds. You have to draw a line in the sand somewhere. The one I have now searched for me for years and is half a world away. I am waiting to see him when he comes stateside in august. I truely believe I am in love with him and don't believe I have ever been in love with anyone before because we are so finely tuned to one another. If you aren't feeling that connection, he needs to know that and why. They like to fix problems and he needs to know how much of a problem it is. Don't sit there and let him slip away. Tell him. He may not be aware. I know how could he not know. One more thing, you need to be able to forgive him if at all possible. That will be the only way to move forward. Good luck



  • VeritasVirgo

    Im not going to give you any advice. But I will voice my opinion. I know were u are at, the same thing happened to me but it was not anywere close to the years you spent with him and we were not married. I gave him a second chance and so far things are good but I have to say that it took a couple of years before I got to were I am now with him. If it were me, I dont think I could live like you stated. No matter how much I loved him and also had children with him I would end it because in time I know I would at least have a happy life and another chance to meet someone who treated me better. Its getting there that is unbearable, but once there at least you have a chance to have a better life and one you deserve.



  • Ok CC - now I have read the posts and your email I can now understand what is going on!!! Sorry I am waaaayyy too tired after a HUGE weekend of flying around the state to partys and then back to bris for a 21st 🙂 So I am wrecked!!!!!!

    Ok - I think you need to talk to him too... He can't read you mind - and he is probably HARD to talk to about this stuff cause my G is extremely hard to talk to about feelings etc... But you need to.. I am sure he will be open to it and he will then understand where you are coming from with regard to your feelings and behaviours... Don't let it go on for too long cause you are only hurting yourself with all of this... And if you don't tell him what is going on then how can he know??

    As far as I am going with mine - I believe he is only stringing me along for s 3 x so I am now giving up again..... I feel much better about it too.. SO I am giving him his birthday presents and then saying goodbye..... We can still be friends - but there will be no more intimacy - he can go jump!!!!! I am sick of having my feelings played with and he is really not willing to get back together - so I am done... It hurts and I am feeling it once again and had a bit of a moment on Friday night - but I really think I am better off without him and trying to find someone who is going to give me what I want......

    Peace out!



  • Hi Everyone...

    it's Mom...back from the war. My cancer man and I are speaking again and he came over for dinner last night. I actually saw inside his houe on Sunday night for the first time. I'm still not sure how things will end up or even continue as I am tied up totally this week with two grands visiting starting today.... and then we leave for vacation on Saturday where the three of us will meet up with their parenst and m/y daughter and her family at the beach. Enough on that....I was the one who broke down and wrote to him. I told him how disappointed in him I was and much more and that turned into a dialogue. Things aren't yet perfect but the only time they ever were was in the very beginning before he got scared and withdrew.

    Veritas --- I hurt for you. My ex-husband (Sag.) had a sixteen year affair with his ''assistant' and I am the one who got her the job. He was nine years older and through I had always suspected he was cheating on me before her...I thought she would be safe since she was a friend and so much older. WRONG! I can tell you...the first thing the counselor told us was that the marriage would not mend with the two of them working together. (meaning in the same building even!) So I cannot believe you can not go insane knowing each day he is seeing her. It is possible for a man to love two women at the same time but it deminishes the quality of either relationship. If his superiors knew of the affair he could be nfired. The law suit to the Company - could be devastating and no employee is worth that to a company. I know in this day and age someone cannot be 'fired' for a personal reason like this one but there are ways and one is to talk with the woman (him or both of you) and tell her perhaps that he will get her help finding a new jop elsewhere with a raving rec. and time to find it but for the sake of his mariage and her own life he hopes she will do it. (?) Would that fly? Is she married, too?

    I finally told my now EX's 'assistant' at a special meeting I set up with her after the counselor told us about how it can't work....that if he didn't have her resignation on his desk by Monday (this was a friday) that I would be telling her husband. She was furious and hateful and mean to me and I was stunned thinking....She hates M E ?? However....On Monday morning it was on his desk. He was more than ready for her to go...he said he tried to break up with her two years prior but she was hanging on and driving him crazy --so he said. Trouble here is that within three months after she was gone and I so hopeful ....he started an affair with the receptionist! (16 years younger!) LOL Go FIGURE! Perhaps your man isn't bad through and through as mine was. If she is married...pull my trump card! She has to GO~! I so feel your pain and heartache all over again. No wife deserves this sort of treatment and distrust each day. Knowing he is working by her side in unbearable. Good luck to you....



  • Correction - SHE was 9 years older.



  • what is the 30-day thing?



  • Well VeritasVirgo I recently read over what you are currently going through and I know that things seem hard right now but believe that they will get better because nothing is forever. At this point you are "TORN". You have so many things invested in all the time that you guys have been together, your kids, the love you guys had or that you still have for him, and just trying to jump out and say it's over after being through soooo much with a person is hard as well. You have to ask yourself one question though. Am I truly alive or am I just living. I fell so hard for a cancerman that even though I knew it wasn't working out I still in my mind just wanted it to work. I was afraid of having to get back out there in the dating scene and I just couldn't let go. I had to realize that being with him was hurting me more than helping me because like you I was depressed, angry, sad, and confused. I had just so many emotions running around and everytime I wanted to leave I just kept falling back with him because he would just do small things to make me want to stay with him. I was like that song "TORN" by Letoya. At this point recently with the help of the people on this page I realized that moving on was the best thing for me. I kind of knew it already but hearing it from other people just made me realize it more. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that some of my advice was helpful.



  • hey everyone-

    no advice right now...just recouping from the total flipside of being J's bestfriend***5 wonderful days and nights with him. we had so much fun, laughter & comradarie, and the pillow talk was intense, and tender!

    i still have the house key...not planning to be his room mate, not platonically especially. he told everyone we saw on saturday night i had the key to his house?! but he has his kids ALL week so i am going to give him his time with them as well as take myself so time to deprogram the fog out of my head, still revel in the memories but get down off the cloud and plant my feet on the ground. LoL his horoscope today was ALL about enjoying his family and the magic of the moments-very eloquent actually.

    also-re-read some excerps from the Beotch books and it's time to let him miss me and wonder. i am going to be a good girl but he will just have to figure that one out on his own. 😉 i am not playing a game either; just self discipline and preservation. i can't continue to let him get me in such a "blob of psychosis" GEEZ.

    one thing though....IF i were to be in a marriage and be cheated on, i would eventually have to let him go. especially because i don't trust 100% too easily and if the trust i give IS broken i will tear it down with sarcasm, accusations, actions and just plain ugliness in the end. good luck to you my virgo sister-OMG i really don't see how you ARE sane with the way a virgo's mind can work!! i wish you love, luck and happiness whichever way you go! CANCER OR NOT-



  • MOM!!! You go girl! Get with me as soon as you get home from the beach!!! YAY-good ol' Pendy sure IS a HOT MESS :+)

    hey km!



  • OK I'm and Aries women and dated a Cancer men he just recently broke up with me after an argument. We've been together for 1yr 1/2. We was suppose to move in together but we didn't and every time he was suppose to come he got called buy his job or somebody else to do something. We break-up and get back together but when I give him space he says that I don't love him. He has done things that I have not like. Especially it seems like he tries to keep he's option open or try to say that I do. He also tells me that he will not let me ever hurt him again. When i never did anything to him. I do love him with all my heart and would do anything for him. But he just be confusing me all the time and idk what to do. The final time we broke up he went out with a girl that I know and I told him that i know her but he still did it anyway and that really hurt my feelings. i have never done anything but to be Loyal to him but he keeps saying I don't trust u and ur never going to hurt me again. i keep telling him to stop confusing me with the chicks from his past. What should I do let it be or pursue it still. Cause i have a feeling he's going to come back. We went from talking bout marriage, kids and moving in to this. I have been around his kids who i love as they was my own. All i can say Cancer men are a challenge.


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