Learning How to trust again

  • Thanks Brian for your insight.

  • pilot007,

    That was the best I could do, sorry I could not do better. I am confident you will be able to figure out the situation on your own. I know it is not fun, but you are certainly smart enough, and have enough common sense to do so.

  • Thanks Again Brian. One more question, do you see him siting me down and talking to me within the next two months or so?

    I am hoping that he will be honest with me if we ever talk again.

  • Pilot007,

    Yes he will talk to you, and will be quite honest, as long as you are not threatening or do not get overly emotional. That may be hard to do, but if you can present yourself as compassionate, and non threatening, I think he will tell you anything you want to know. You may not want to hear a lot of what he will say, but if you are his friend and listen, he will be most appreciative. This could be the beginning of a good friendship, or something more, not sure because he is not sure of much of anything right now. Just do not get ahead of yourself, let what ever develops, develop. Okay?

  • Okay! I will keep my emotions in check. I am going to meditate before we sit and talk.

  • Pilot007,

    You are going to be okay. It is his life that is a mess now. How much of a mess is the question. Goofy employees and business problems are very hard on an owner. If the thing with the employee turns out to be true, then add that to the whole ball of wax.

    As a friend you can be there for him, and be non judgmental, and that will be good. Just remember that getting your relationship back with him (as it was, as you want it), is going to take you be honest with yourself, and stepping back a taking a good hard look at you, and at him. That is going to take time, as will his situation, whatever that may be. So just be a decent friend right now, do not try or expect anything else just yet. You need some more information, and he needs to get his life back in order. Do not rush it.

    And remember something here, you did not do anything wrong, and you did not make the relationship go south, not your doing. You are a good decent person, and you deserve to be treated as such.

  • SS

    do you really want to be with someone you can't communicate with?he wants you walking in eggshells.let him go...you have better prospects ahead of you. this one is a loser and you can bet,if he's in chatrooms,he's looking elsewhere and keeping his options open.let him go.you won't be lonely for long so take this time to invest in yourself.



  • Thank you Brian for your insight and as usual you are right about a few things. I'm a strong believer in GOD and I know if it were not for him I would be a total basket case. As I said earlier I believe myself to be a strong woman simply because of the experiences I have gone though have made me that way. Me and the cancer man knew each other for 2 years and we considered ourselves to be good friends. We hung out then every now and again and nothing happended. On this particular evening it did and from that point on we spend everyday together. after work of course and on the days I didn't have school. (I'm in school to become a psychologist) go figure..LOL He treated me like the queen I am until this lady from his past showed up..like I said I was cool for awhile and then I accussed him of sleeping with one of my co workers (not outright) but in so many words because I started having a wierd feeling. NOw mind you she is this type of woman who is sleeping with her best friends man and has been for over 7 years. She said the only reason I think the she and him were sleeping together is because of the situation she told me about with her friend. That is not true because I don't judge people because I have done some things in my past that I'm not proud of. The reason I felt that way is because he told me that she called him one day while we were at work. Yes we all work together. This is the first (and Last) time I have been involved with a co- worker. Anyway he comes down for lunch and tells me that she called him and he didn't know why. So I asked her why she called him and she told me that was the first time she called him and she was calling to see how his day was going? Huh? What? Now I can see if you saw him in passing and you said hey so and so how are things going, that is different, but you are at your desk and you just decide to look him up in the system and pick up the phone to call him to see how his day was going didn't sit well with me.Now to his credit he did tell me about it, but every since that time I have gotten strange vibes from her. Now mind you, I'm 39 and she is 34 and she acts like she is GOD's gift to men. Is this the confidence you speak of that attracts men? She comes to work and it is as if she delibertly says little things to try to get up under my skin or to bother me. like my night was excellentamundo cheri how was yours. On top of that she knew everyhting that was going on with me and him because I mistakenly thought I could trust her with information. But I noticed that he would say and do things that she might say or do and it seems as if they both enjoy playing with me even if nothing is going on but I feel that it has. Might as well tell you the whole story. She always seemed like she was defending him when I would tell her things he said or did. Then she would say well then Cheri why don't you leave him alone then if you don't like what he is doing even though I know you wont. Like she wants me to leave him so she could have him. Then there is his actions, he was down right rude to me at times and others he acted like he cared. I mean why still take me around your family and friends if you have no intentions on being with me. Yes, he told me he wanted to be free and do what he wanted but he also acted like he still wanted to be with me and still talked of the future. Why? Then I had to have heart surgery and this man was there for me like no other. Why did he do all of that? Did he feel like he owed me somehow so he stuck around. I don't know. I could have very well dealt with this all on my own. I never asked him to be there for me, he chose to do that. I got him a card thanking him and he keeps it hanging on the wall at his house.When I was sick he gave me keys to his house and he has keys to mine so he could check up on me to make sure I was alright. When I tried to give the keys back he told me he didn't want or need those. I don't know like I said I thought that he truly cared about me, so much we share in common and we have fun together up until recently when he told me that is why he doesn't spent time with me anymore because all I talked about was him and why he does this and why he acts like that...in other words a lot of negeativity. he acts as if he has no plans on trying to be with me anytime soon. He told me he is not ready for a relationship (exclusive one) with me right now but he does see us together in the future crap. He said right now he was trying to get his life toghether mainly financially. I understood that but to me that has nothing to do with anything because when we met he was broke then and we had no problems.. in fact we talked of growing and building together. so to me that is just some bullshit excuse to not be here, so I said fine you are doing everything you can to push me out of your life, He tells me I'm special to him and he has a emotional attachment to me and if he didn't think I was special he wouldn't have had me around his kids, mother, father, sisters ect. Right now none of that matters anymore. Just recently I gave him a ride home and he was talking about how he has all of this stuff coming up but not once did he invite me to any of the up coming functions. I assume that he is asking his new lady friend.. anyway he was getting out of the car and he tried to kiss me and I said are you sure that is something you want to do? Sometimes he really acts like he is offended by the things I say to him that I feel is true or he tells me I keep asking him the same thing over again just in a different format.. that is true because I'm inquisitive and that is why I'm in school for psychology. but anyway he gets out and comes around the car and I said don't feel obligated to kiss me and he said I want to and he stuck his head in and gave me some bullshit as peck. I told him I was offended that he told me I reminded him of his ex chinese girlfried who pulled out and burned rubber in front of his familys house. I told him I'm nothing like that and I have never nor will I ever do anything like that. He said he is truly sorry for offeding me.. bull shit! If he doesn't want to be here anymore or he doesn't give a damn about me then why even do all of that? I guess now with his withdrawls and acting the way he his he is showing me. He feel he is honest with the women he deals with and they make the decision to deal with him or not and I made the mistake of thinking that what he felt and did for me was real and that I actually meant something to him. How many men do you know will take off from work to help someone and spend time with them if they are not his wife nor girlfriend. Someone asked him why did he take off from work to be there by my side and he said I never take off from work hardly unless it is for my kids appts or family. I did this for her... so I guess it was all one big lie huh brian? well I'm hurt and angry. especially if he is sleeping with my co-worker. I can't shake that feeling that something went on between them. He told me he was offened that i would think that and that it said alot about what I thought about him as a person, but I know people are spiteful and if she told him everygthng I said then maybe she did it to benefit her or maybe they are both just get off on other people's misery either way, what you are telling me is that he strung me along the whole time and I never meant anything too him.. or should I say I did for a hot min when he was all up into me and then the next he scurried away but was still holding some of my heart and not wanting to let go of it. He still has not asked for his keys back so he must trust the fact that I'm not to damn crazy.. I don't know like I said I'm hurt and everything felt so real even his family and friends (who are gay by the way) two of his closest thought we made a cute couple and could see how we felt about one another but maybe he is just that way with everyone he meets and I thought I was different or special.. wrong answer huh brian. Anyway, I have closed myself off from people for a while and I do talk to the man upstairs alot about helping taking the pain away and any feelings I have for him because he has been showing me as of late he has moved on. I guess in some way I ket hoping that he would want to come and try again since we never had any problems until the ex and the co worker but Iike I said wishful thinking. I thought he felt about me the way I did him or at least that is what he told me and he acted that way to. around his family he kissed me and never acted indifferent. well Iguess he will be taking the next one to meet his family and they are very nice people so I'm sure they will welcome whoever with open arms. His family was there at the hospital for me to one even wiped my behind because I couldn't do it. My mom is battleing breast cancer so she could not be there with me. I wish I would have dealt with everything on my own and then maybe I wouldn't be hurting so bad. it is obvious he is NOT hurting for me and is doing his thang. He wanted me gone I'm out. I'm trying to move to a different state now. He told me him and his family would miss me but that is bull crap and I told him since he is susch a social butterfly he could stay in contact via text or email. He told me I'm moving to get away from him yes, that is part truth but the other is Ihave been hurt one time too many here and I need a fresh start. Although my heart is broken yet again. He told me he has been known to break hearts. He is somewhat arrogant but comes across as humble.. right. I had always hoped things would go back to the way they were. I told him how I felt and that I was sorry for making him feel like I didn't trust him when at the the time he was showing me that I could. I brought in extra baggae. he even cried and Isaid why are you crying and he said because I want you to know I'm human.. he could have fooled me and he did. that is cool though the lord will see me through and if it was meant to be then he will either come back and come correctly or the lord has something better for me, but right now the way my heart is hurting I won't be able to recieve it for sometime. I thought this man who was my friend at first and who I did get to know but obvisouly not good enough really liked and cared about me. I guess I was very wrong. anyway just needed to get a few more things off my chest Brian. Sometimes I still hope that he will come around and do right. This is foolish of me I know huh, but I felt that way and at times I still feel that way, but not as strong as I did a few months ago when I thought the surgery would bring us closer, but again I was wrong so so be it. I'm soooo done. I just want to curl up and cry sometimes and others I'm mad as hell, but like I said if it is or was meant to be I would not be hurting now.. so he wants me out I'm gone. I told him don't do me any favors by kissing me here or sleeping with me there or trying to act like you care when you don't. I'm gone.

  • I forgot to tell you brian that he also emails me at work everyday. Hello how are you today? How was your nite? How was your weekend. Why does he keep doing all of this. I get that we will be tied simply because he was there at a time when I needed someone and he was there 100% but if you just want to be my friend and nothing more then why try to kiss me and still want to sleep with me. However he is spending less time with me and on the weekends now he is unavailable. He has his son every other weekend and he used to invite me to come and watch movies with them barbaque just me him and his son who is 15. His son thinks I'm cool but I guess he also knows how his father is so...like I said brian I'm sorry I'm ranting and raving just hurt by this crabs actions. Never dealt with one and I think I will never deal with them again. ALthough you seem to be a different type of crab Brian. You seem to genuely care about the women here and all the shit your counter parts put us through and you offer great wisdom and insight and for that I'm sure I don't just speak for my self we are greatful!

  • Well she is obviosly jealous of you. She thinks she has to sleep with people for them to like her. Is he your b-f or just a friend?if he truly loved you, it wouldn't matter what she said or did. He wouldn't touch it. It might be a ruse to make tou think something happened when it didn't. So just plain out ask him? I didn't read the whole post but half of it so I guess I don't know the whole story but tell him how you feel and talk to him.

  • Hey Ms. Sylvanna-

    As of now we are supposed to be just friends and on occassion with a benefit, but I did ask him if he slept with her and he told me no, I also asked her and they both seemed to be offended at the fact that I would think that, but I'm thinking why would he tell me that they did sleep together. He knows I would totally loose it and it would devestate me so I doubt he would tell me. However she is the type that just because I think it and asked about it she would play on it and say little things to try and get under my skin. ( I must admit at times it has) other times I chalk it up to immatureity and that she just enjoys doing shit just for the hell of it. Like I said though, it is all good. He wanted me out of his life and he is no longer trying to spend real quality time with me so hey it is what it is, but it does hurt when you think you have met someone that you gave the benefit of the doubt to and you open up and they screw you anyway. He made me feel like what we had was real and what he was feeling for me was real, but I guess that is what he specializes in The meeting of the family, friends, ect.. the words of enderarment, spending everyday together, taking care of me when I was sick..taking me to appointments and what not really met nothing to him. I guess it was all just one big act to see if he could get me. He did, but I now I see that it was all a game to him. Still is, but that is alright. I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around. He claims he does to but I don't believe him, he is arrogant at times and full of himself although he claims to be this humble human being. Maybe for a while as long as he is interested in you then it all goes away when he is bored and is looking for the next challange. So I was played, what I thought was real was just his MO I guess.

  • Well, here is what I would do. I wouldn't give him the occasional benefit. And, I would tell her exactly what I think of her. Tell her she is superficial because she is a coward. Afraid to be an individual so she has to sleep with everybody just to get them to like her but in the end, no one does. He will either stop being an ass and act right or he will leave which is a good thing too because you don't need that. Just get away from the whole situation but don't be afraid to let everyone know how you feel about it. That's what I would do. Take it how you want to.

  • tiredofallthebullshit,

    Sometimes people disappoint us, they decide to act very selfishly, and in turn hurt us pretty bad.

    I have gone through something similar, and I still get the communications like you get, the olive branch of friendship, and yet the person has not addressed the issue of her betrayal and deception. She knows what she did, and yet she will not address it, but still puts herself out there to try and stay in contact. That can be confusing from my point of view, as it is from yours in your case.

    What is important for you and me to understand is, we can suck it up and send something back along the same lines to them. Remember they are scared to death to even broach the subject that hangs in the air so think that you can cut it with a knife. They want to remain in touch, and hope it goes away, but they know it won't. For you and me both, it is a choice of what we want to do, what we can handle.

    My situation is different from yours in many respects, so how I choose to deal with my backstabber has a lot to do with her, and her situation she is in. For you, perhaps you should just move on, but I suspect you want some closure, so I would consider writing a letter. This will take quite a few drafts to do, as the first one you write, you just want to let it all out, vulgarity, everything. By the time you get to one you want to send, that one will be constructive, it will lay things out almost in a clinical way, you will say you are hurt, but the hate and accusatory tine will be gone, you will lay out what he needs to do, and the answers you want from him, if he should want for you to consider being his friend. You deserve to send him something like that, and he deserves to give you the answers you want to know. The banal friendly "hey how are you", at this point just grates at your nerves, and is hurtful. So, start working on a letter, it will free you to do so.

  • hmmm its very difficult in day to day life to believe in anyone.

    But take time to know each other then take any decision.

    Trust in yourself and keep going 🙂 good luck

  • Tiredofallthebullshit, tell them frankly that you are tired of all the bulls@*t. You want a straight uo answer and you desrve it but you should accept the answer you are given. If they both still deny it then maybe they are telling you the truth. If you really don't trust him then you shouldn't be with him anyways. You can never have a relationship with out trust.Trust is a very hard thing to get but is worth it. When you have total trust in someone, that's the best feeling. I have a very hard time trusting anyone and I always seem to give trust to all the wrong people but if you show someone you trust them, you may indeed get their trust but if you show someone you don't, you'll either push them away or they'll do whatever you're accusing them of. Trust is such a tricky thing. I hope that whjat I said helped you or even made sense. lol Trust is a hard thing for me to talk about as I usually don't have it for anyone. People trust me. I am a very trustworthy person but I just don't trust people myself.

  • Hey Mrs. Syvannh-

    Yes, all the information you have given me has been very helpful. You are so right. That without trust you have nothing. It is very hard for me to trust him. But what am I supposed to do when all of these coiencedes keep happening. For instance just this week. On wed she asked me something about some vapor box used to smoke herbel trees out of. I told her to ask him about it because he would know more about it. She said I don't want to ask him about it. Mind you I just go back to work because I have been out on FMLA for the last 2 months. So I ask her where did you hear about this vapor box? She tells me the me, him, and her had this conversation a few weeks ago about it which is a bunch of bullshi* because none of us have been in the same room together since Feb when she came to his house to see me where I was recouperating. But she tries to tell me we all had this conversation. She asked me this on Wed. Then on Friday he tells me that he is going out to get this so called vapor box and he was really serious about going to get it, Now mind you he told me about this vapor box when we first starting dating a year ago and he has not brought it up again until Friday. Now why all of a sudden you are interested in getting this vapor box and it is a must have. So I told him to call her because she was asking about it and maybe they could hook up and do it together. But that is the type of stuff I'm talking about that is just to close for comfort for me. Little things like that. But you are right though I'm done wih trying to figure it out. Maybe they are sleeping together because I accused them of it at one time or another but it is not anything that they will admit to me. Instead I think they get off on the fact that I suspect but can't prove anything. I have a conversation with her about something then he turns around and says the same thing almost identical. I told him hey if you like it I love it I'm done with all of the mind games and bullcrap.Like I said it just hurts because I gave this man the benefit of the doubt and he just decided that he would be sweet for about 7 months and then turn into a ass. He still tries to act like he cares about me though. He asked me if I thought he was a dog and I told him yes. He looked like his feelings was hurt, and he tells me I'm not a dog. Call it what you like but anytime you play with womens emotons for your own gain then yes you are a dog. I thought everything he did for me, with me, to me was real but like I said maybe that is his MO. I told him if he truly cared about me, that when we hit the first rough patch it would not have been so easy for another to come in and for him to just walk away like I didn't matter, but still invited me to spend the holidays with his family and acting like he was really into me. RIght. All of a sudden he doesn't have time to spend with me on the weekends. He wants to hook up only on the weekdays.. now. Well I have had it! When he ask to see me on the weekdays now the answer will be no. I need to stay away from him for a few weeks and and maybe he will see what he is missing but I doubt it. Either the co worker has him puss* whipped or someone else does. He told me that he just wanted sometime to his self and I'm like whatever it is all a crock. But like I said I cry sometimes because I'm so hurt, and other times I'm angry. But if he wants me he is going to have to work at it. He was by my side throughout my operation and other things but he was just doing it because he sees me as his friend. Thing is he has a few female friends and all of them he has screwed. He says I cant be friends with women I have slept with. Sure you can, but you seem to have a pattern going on almost like you are trying to leave the door open if he wants to come back or something. Anyway, I have been sick again lately and on Friday he was like promise to call me if you have to go to the emergency room. I'm thinking hell if you are so concerned you call me to see if I need to go to the emergency room why am I calling you. He tells me if I don't call him then he won't speak to me again well at this point, I'm like whatever.. get your shi* together I mean he is about to be 40 and he is still talking and doing the same crap. I mistakenly thought he was mature.. wrong answer! he has not called me all weekend to even check on me because he really doesn't give damn all though he tries to act like he does. He was to busy this weekend with his tricks so screw him. Trust.. right will NOT trust anyone EVER again. I'm tired now.

  • I can almost realate, my ex is 40 and still acts like he is 20. Not to sound mean but maybe all the accusations pushed him away. He still needs to mature a little so he can handle an accusation. I don't trust anyone but I still leave my heart open just enough so I can. Just move on from him. You still sound fairly young so you can find someone else. Just son't be so quick to accuse. Keep your suspicions to yourself til you have more proof. Not all men are snakes. Don't treat them all like they are. Sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut and if they are being snakes, your inner voice will tell you but don't say nothing until you have proof. Don't let your instincts get the better of you.

  • Elvis' 'Suspicious Minds' comes to mind here. Without trust, a stable marriage can't be formed--or any relationship for that matter. He's insecure and immature and you're afraid to trust. He's issued you an ultimatum in an attempt to force intimacy. Of course this makes you retreat all the more! Let him play. Get on with the business of you. You need to ask yourself if you pick partners so that you can work through your trust issues from the former relationship. Your feelings of betrayal are valid and painful but you must find a way to forgive and let go or your relationships will only reinforce those feelings of betrayal and keep you miserable. Strength and faith as you go forward...

  • I'm sorry. I lost the post where you told me your ages. But usually, guys don't mature until 37 and girls, more like 25-27. I remember you saying you were in your 30's (at least I hope it was you lol) but him, I don't remember. Anyway, I hope that helps. Just get a big puppy. (don't name him after him as you want to forget him) Just give the dog all your love and it will return the same. A male dog is better for affection. I have Toby. I got him because he was NOT a husky. He is just a big dopey dog. He looks like a Toby. lol I try ti give them names that fit. But anyways, I have my dogs. Finding a man is not that high on my priority list. Don't ever feel you need a man to complete you. I am ME and I don't need anybody else. If they are deserving, I may share myself with them. You need to get to that point. Start with a dog. (or any animal (mammal) of your liking) Even a bird might be good but it should be a cockateil or larger. If you get a Cockatoo (or even a Chow Chow) know they are one person animals. You will be their person and they won't be nice to anyone that gets near you. With Cockatoos, they prefer females and really don't like men. So, eith don't let anyone near you or make sure you put it away before people come over. With a Chow, you could either be male or female but you will still be THEIR one person. Just keep that in mind. For you, I would reccomend a German Shephard. They are good loyal dogs, easily trainable, and protective. That's the dog I see for you. TTFN

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