Learning How to trust again

  • I have been single for 11 years and, have dated several different guys but none of them really caught my eye. I was in a realtionship with my ex for 11 years and after we married after living together for eight years I caught him cheating. I have a problen learning to trust anyone now because I was hurt so badly. I have meet someone that I really like and we have even talked of marriage. But I cant talk to him about certain things or he says that it is over. His biggest thing is.. I dont like to argue. I told him on e-mail that I loved him but, I had a lot of things to take care of first then I would love to marry him. Well the next day when he read it he told me he didnt want to see me anymore because he said that he let two of his friends read my e-mail and it sounded like I was trying to dump him. Well of course I was upset and ask him not to be mad and that I was sorry. I have also seen where he gets on single sites and talks to other women. He said that they were just friends nothing else. What should I do?

  • Hi, I think it's ok to keep looking. "I can't talk to him about certain things or he says it's over." Well, he's telling you what he's willing to listen to. Maybe you could tell him what he can talk to you about. It's called reverse psychology. That way, no arguments, so what would he have left to say?

    Did you explain to him what you had to take care of. Did he ask you to marry him. My opinion based on what you have explained here is this guy just totally lacks the concept of understanding.

    Kind of sounds like he's too willing to snap at you. I would continue to date or meet people. When you do meet someone nice, be sure to let him know.

  • Hey there, it is very hard to trust after being betrayed by someone you loved. However its great to see that you are willing to get out there and meet new people.

    The guy that you have recently met sounds to me like he has a lot of issues, and in my opinion the issues you spoke about imply he would not be a safe person to invest your feelings in at this stage. I believe that when you know what you want it's easier to decide who is and who isn't good for your well being...I believe that you need to think carefully about how you feel when with this person, do you feel you can be you, do you feel you can be open and trust this person with your deepest thoughts...do you feel understood, heard and accepted?

    It is your job to take care of yourself and that includes who you let into your life. So by asking yourself these kinds of questions and many more, i believe that you will be able to act in a way that best suits you.xx

  • Yes,it is hard to trust someone else after being cheated on and it can take years to trust someone 100% again. When my ex husband cheated on me after 15 years, I went out & socialised. I met a wonderful guy and 2 years after dating we married. He is a completely different person to my first husband...but to be 100% honest with you I have only just completely trust him fully, after 6 years of trusting 90%. I was lucky, my husband was completely understanding. The person you need to meet should be understanding of why you react as you do and try to help you get back to the person you once were. And you WILL get back that trust again, and the right person WILL appreciate it. If this guy is contemplating marriage with you, he has got to take the rough with the smooth & talk about everything...however hurtful or sensitive...its the only way to move forward and to reinstate your faith in relationships. To be honest, if he can't talk openly to you and make idle threats that your relationship is over if you approach to talk about a "forbidden" subject...is he really ready to take on the emotional turmoil of marriage? Good luck.

  • Something that I have recently learned and fully understand about trust, is that you cannot fullly trust someone else until you trust yourself. We women have a fantastic sense of intuition, but do we really trust it? Do you trust yourselves and your choices? Do you accept yourself and love yourself as you are? If you don't love yourself JUST AS YOU ARE, WHO YOU ARE, you will find that the trust level of yourself falters. Once you see that you are a powerful woman when you have full self-acceptance, you can take back the control of your life, yourself, and your choices. You have given him your power and you are questioning yourself. Please recognize that you always deserve the best, deserve to be treated the best and with respect. Commanding (not demanding) that will put you back in your own power. What he's saying and doing is disrespecful and controlling. Is that what you want? What's behind his words and actions is all about HIM. You are responsible for you and your feelings, but don't take responsibility for his -- you can't fix him. Be happy with yourself first and your life will open to you -- right before your eyes!

  • Interesting blndnblu...I fully agree with you. What I found interesting that women do seem to have powerful intuition skills...but do you think also that we do trust our intuition but we don't always like what its saying to us and rather than trust our intuition we dig ourselves into an even bigger hole!! I found my big trust issue was that I couldn't believe I had found a man who truly loved me and was a complete opposite to my ex....I kept thinking I wasn't good enough ...which annoyed him! I stopped when I realised my insecurity at the time would push him away...and I started to fully trust & started to feel happy about myself...and life is now great.

  • I am on my third marriage, but, let me tell you what I have learned. My first husband did not understand me, he mocked me and thought my opinion meant nothing. Of course, because I am a Gemini and totally know my opinion means a lot, he lost me. After I left him I was determined to never date someone like him again. The next man I chose to be with was a polar opposite of my first husband. He was kind, loving, understanding, gorgeous, really gorgeous, and totally trustworthy, I thought. You guessed it, He left me for another woman after only three years of marriage. Now, I was crushed, this man and I were together 24/7 (we owned business so we were with each other on and off all day) so when I found out there was another woman I could not figure out when he was fitting her into his schedule. Everyone looked at my second husband and I as the perfect couple, and that's what I thought also. So, why did he leave me? Turns out he felt like I was expecting to much from him. He said that because we owned our own businesses, he felt like I expected as much from him as I did from myself in the being driven to succeed area. Hello, of course I would expect that who wouldn't. If we wanted to maintain the lives we had become accustomed to we would have to work very hard to remain successful. It took my five years before I could listen to a song about cheating and not uncontrollingly cry my eyes out.

    Today the man that is in my lfe is perfect for me, and I never, ever, allow myself to be delusional in the, "Oh, he would never cheat on me." I do trust this man 100%, but it took a very long time. We have been together a total of 9 years and married for 7. It was not until the 5th year of our marriage that I was totally able to completely let go of checking up on where he told me he was if he was late, or looking at his cell phone bill to see if there any numbers I did not recognize. I finally came to my senses and said to myself this is no way to live, and it was time for me to just let whatever was going to happen, happen. Once I did that, I learned that this man was an honest, true blue to his word, and the most committed person I have ever known. I am lucky, but there are a lot of these men in the world you just have to stay committed to yourself and don't settle for less.

    It sounds to me like you are getting some BIG RED FLAGS here, DON"T ignore them, this guy sounds weird to me. Move on as fast as you can and don't look back. Your destiny is waiting for you to close this door so another may open.

  • well i think u should drop him cos he just wants to play games he is not ready for a real woman cos if he was he will only talk to u not other women dont let this man play with your mind and your heart cos he will walk all over u dont dont have time for that loser

  • I am in a simuliar situation. I was thinking last night, why don't I trust him. Could it be because my husband of 25 years cheated on me and died a year later. I've been with this guy for 7 months. We get along very well, he treats me well, he shows me he cares for me. I may even love him, but I don't trust him. He has a past of being a "Player". I met him on a website. I left, he didn't. I've asked him several times to leave and he won't. He also claims the women are just friends and I have nothing to worry about. I want to believe him, but I think my past and his won't let me. I even think I understand why he does it. He's a Leo, they need attention and their egos constantly stroked. It's no excuse, I just understand. What do you guys think?

  • Hi there ss-

    Hey, I certainly can empathize with YOU!! I've been married for twelve (12) years (getting the divorce papers ready) and from day one, it was a lie. At least as far as I was concerned. Good ole' GUILLIBLE ME, HE SURE PULLED THE WOOL OVER MY EYES & THEN SOME!!!! He lied about having children, about wanting more children, he went through jobs like H20, I guess he'd rather live a leisure life, while I worked & took care of my little girl all day. I'm not man-bashing here, I'm just shooting from the hip. Then it happened, I was in two pretty bad car accidents, couldn't work any more. The slack was not picked up by him, in fact he'd take off, I applied for Disability, then he came back, then things got rough again, he took off, this went on for 7-8 years & ding dong me allowed it to continue!!!! Well, he's gone again, this time, he's become a raging drug addict, alcoholic, (which I tried to get him some help, but you know, you can only help those who want the help, lead the horse to the H20 theory) , then he took off with his best friend's truck, sold it behind his back & haven't heard from him since last year. Now, I'm in a situation medically that is down right scary. Oh, Well, nuf about boo hoo me, back to YOU!!!!

    So, let me share some of what I've gone through with You. You MUST rely on YOUR INNER VOICE to guide You in matters of the HEART!! If this gentleman gets upset if You bring certain subjects up now & You drop them. Tell me plz, what is going to happen when those subjects will need bringing up for whatever important reason for ex: Children, Finances, Religion, etc...Now, did I get this other piece of tid bit info right that his big pet peeve with You is that You do not argue? Come again!? Huh? WHAT? I KNOW MAKE UP LOVE IS GOOD, BUT NOT TO HAVE TO ARGUE TO GET IT!!!

    Honestly, I would give this one a little more time in the "trying on" stage. You know, You go to the Shoe Store, try on a bunch of shoes that look just great on the shelves, you take them down, try them on, walk around a little & either they're loose in the back, not very well fitting in the front, or the sides, so You go on to the next pair, etc...It's the same with Men & Women, just an analogy. But, really, with this gentlemen, honey, don't go in any further, don't stick your foot in any deeper, don't commit any more, YOU ARE STILL IN THE "TRYING ON" STAGES OF THIS PARTICULAR BRAND/KIND OF SHOE. Let him know in a nice, gentle way that You are not sure if You are totally into him @ this point, Your going to "play the field" in those shoes for a bit longer, thank you very much. And if he goes to online sites to chat to "supposed" friends that happen to be girls, then he's what I call SCOPIN', his radar is up & honin in on you, thinking that maybe you'll bail, 'cuz you're about to call him by his "plays", so he's gotta get another pair of shoes set up for himself sometime in his near future. You DIG, Only trying to pass on some PEACEFUL ADVICE. You do what You feel You have to do , what You want to do, but don't go buying that first pair of shoes you run into just 'cuz they look so sexy, cute, in style, cost alot, don't cost alot, etc...MARRIAGE IS HAVING THOSE SHOES FOR EVA, TO THE POINT OF NOT BEING ABLE TO PLACE YOUR PRETTY FEET & TOES INTO THEM ANYMORE & HAVING TO POLISH THEM, TAKE CARE OF THEM, PURCHASING SPECIAL POLISH ETC...TO KEEP THEM LOOKING THEIR BEST, BUT AFTER A WHILE, THEY WILL BECOME "UNMENABLE, UNPOLISHABLE" & YOU WILL THEN BE LEFT WITH WHATEVER THE TRUE MECHANICS OF HOW/WHY & @ THE "BARE BONES" OF THE SHOES, YOU WILL THEN SEE WHAT THOSE SHOES ARE TRULY MADE OF AFTER ALL OF THOSE YEARS. THEY MAY LAST TWO LIFETIMES, THEY MAY NEVER MAKE IT TO THE NEXT YEAR, IT'S YOUR CHOICE, SO CHOOSE WISELY!!!!!

    BLESSINGS & MIRACLES!!!! CHOOSE LOVE, PEACE & SOUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Ms Finese: Read Bindnblu. Men who cheat often call their lovers friends.

  • To Dalia: I did, but that doesn't applies to me. I am a very confident woman, I just have some trust issues. Thanks for your comments.

  • Ms Finesse....I do think that after 7 months your Leo man should understand and respect you and would leave the site, even if he isn't cheating. Yes Leos do like to harmlessly flirt...and it may be innocent But at the end of the day, its bothering you, so calmly ask him again if he would leave the site and tell him its upsetting you. Your Leo man may huff and puff, but give him time to reconsider. Leo men need time to rethink their actions!!! It would bother me too.

  • Thanks!

  • Amen! I couldn't have said it better! Sometimes it is hard though because we have allowed them to manipulate us into thinking that there is something wrong with us. We have to command the respect that is due to us regardless and sometimes cancer men can treat women in shut a nasty way that it makes you want to hate and you question what is wrong with yourself. Actually it is any male zodiac sign. Trust is very hard to come by especially for me at this moment. I have had a man spit in my face, bring another woman to my house while I'm out out of town taking care of my sick mother, cheat on me after 5 years and being engaged and then adding insult to injusry by getting the trick knoocked up, and then finally to the nice cancer man who knew everything I had went through and proceeded to woo me. We started out as friends and then it turned into us fuckin*, then spent time together everyday and he took me to meet his famil, friends, children.. he wanted me around all of that until I showed a flaw. Insecurity- he had a female come back from his past and he told me about her but he also told me how they texted each other every day and all sorts of stuff but she was just a friend and I could trust him. At the time his actions (which is what I go by) showed me that I could.. but then that intuition kicked in and I asked him if he was sure he wanted to be in a exclusive realtionship with me, he said yes and told me she knew of me but I still felt uneasy.. then to make matters worse I started feeling like he was sleeping with a associate of my who is a co-worker. Don't ask me why I had a wierd feeling abouth the two but I did and so I gave him a ultimatum.. told he had until such a time to tell me if he wanted to go back to being friends or he wanted to be in a relationship with me.. well he said I like the hell out of you but I think we should go back to being friends. Needless to say I was hurt and from that point on the drama has began. He prides himself on being a honest John and tpld me that he was starting to see another women but we could still hang out. He never stopped asking me to spend holidays with him and his family and I never stopped going. During Christmas I became sick and was told that I needed to have a major operation. When I was in the hospital he brought me a minature Christmas tree and laid in the hospital bed with me. Took me to all my appointments, spent New Years with me and his family, children, told me he wanted to show me he could be a better man, took off from work to spend with me at the hospital, took me to his house to help me recoup, talked to my family to let them know what was going on.. had me thinking that this surgery would bring us closer although he had told me he was not ready for a exclusive relationship all of a sudden. Then he just started being a complete ass, it used to be his actions showed me that he was really digging me, then in the next instant, his actions where showing me he could care less than a damn.I got no text, no phone calls hardly, in other words I became a booty call (spending 1 day out of a week with me usually a weekday) used to want to spend everyday with me and he spent Easter with the other women. the only holiday we were not together and he didn't call to wish me a happy easter told me u didn't call me either, I said you don't answer he tells me you could have left a voice mail... I mean what type of person can act so caring and then turn around and be such a asshole. I guess his goal was to push me out of his life so he has won. I guess I was under the impression that he really cared for me and felt something for me, but that was my fault.. I'm sorry I went off on some tandrum..I guess I just wanted to know what you guys thought. If he feels something or was it all just a act.. I don't know this forum really helps..but back to the trust issue. I don't trust anyone no further than I can throw them because my kindness and gentleness has been sadly mistaken for a weakness and them feeling like they can do anything and it will be alright... I'm so done with men actually all of them and some women to can just stay the fuk away from me right now. I know I sound bitter but I'm hurt and confused by this man and a few others actions. I feel that I'm a strong woman but it seems as soon as I let my guard down and give men the benefit of doubt they have fuced me everytime. Well no more. The shi* stops now. Never give my heart to another again!

  • Tiredofallthebullshit,

    The whole Cancer Man thing is a vast generalization, that is only a sun sign, there is a lot more to a person's chart if you want to play the zodiac game. I mean you could also do the blood type game, in Japan they use that to hire people, and to decide where they will fit into the work force. So, basically any of these things are just tools to help us quickly decide if someone is a good fit. The time consuming way is to actually get to know a person.

    Time and time again on these forums I see the we were "knocking boots" and everything was going fine, then he or she changed, and now I do not know if I can trust anybody again. What is going on here is very simple, you better KNOW the person, you better TRUST the person (for real) before you go and climb into bed with them. Too many people do this, act like it is okay, and then end up being flattened flatter than road kill on a hot busy highway. What that says is, it is a BIG DEAL to these people, but they did not treat it that way.

    The men are like this and women are like that thing is also tired and old. There are plenty of women now a days that can think with their genitals just as good as the player guys. And if time and time again, you find yourself in a relationship with less than a decent person, then you do need to stop, take a time out, and take a look at yourself. It definitely can be you. If you are not valuing yourself, actually caring about you, the vibes you give off are going to attract people with the same insecurity issues. You may exhibit your insecurity by being needy or clingy, they may exhibit their insecurity by being controlling, or by playing the field behind your back.

    In your particular situation, you did not get dumped, you got it worse, you got strung along. People do this for many reasons, they do not want to lose what they have, they want to have it all, or they want to ween themselves off of you (like you are a drug) and when they can dump you they do (leaving you basically addicted, and not weened off of them). This sucks, and it makes it extra hard to deal with, that I totally acknowledge. However, this "I will never trust someone ever again" thing is fine for right now, you have to heal, but in the long run it is no good for you at all.

    Be bitter, but channel it, sit down and write letters to this guy (you will not be sending them, you will be ripping them up and throwing them in the trash, or burning them). Put down every feeling you have; you want him to choke on his food, you wish he would burst into flames, whatever, just let it out. After awhile of doing this, you begin to feel much better, and begin to come back to "normal".

    In the future, you will need to put in the time of getting to know somebody. That takes work and time, and the only real way trust can grow is through putting in the work and the time. If you have to be just friends with someone in order to keep the two of you out of bed, then do that. Things begin to go awry for too many people once the sleeping together thing kicks in.

    And take a look at a lot of situations, the one partner has something going on the side, which they cultivate, and take lots of time nurturing, while they are getting some with their "current partner", the relationship being cheated on give this person the means to be laid back with the cheating relationship. So, when it finally comes to a head, the cheating partner ends up with a relationship that has grown over time, and is much stronger than the one they are in, so they leave that to "start" a with the other person. We all ask how in the heck can that work, well what I just explained is how.

    You can do it also, but by doing it legitimately, doing it honestly, and not cheating on anyone. That however takes patience, and taking the time to get to know someone. Having a crush, or being "in love" is not loving another person, and those times are not when you give your heart to someone else. Love is where you put the other person first, and where they put you first, then you can "give your heart" because there IS trust you can count on. That does not happen by magic, Prince Charming does not show up with a slipper, that is only done by work and time.

    The other part is learning to love yourself, so someone can love you back. If you do not do this simple concept, but difficult thing to do, then you will only attract people to you who are no good for you. This also takes time, time with yourself. A good self help book on self esteem, or a series of appointments with a good counselor who you have a good rapport with, can do this more quickly than trying to do it all by yourself. Also, positive self affirmations are excellent for people who have low self esteem. I will post some for you here, or get someone to post some for you here. All you need to do is say them everyday, you are reprograming your mind, actually undoing the negative programing that has been done over the years.

    Lastly, I would consider your relationship with God. No, you do not have to become an Evangelical and jump up and down, nor do you have to become a Catholic and say the Rosary every day. However, I have found that people who do not have some relationship with God, through daily prayer at the very least, suffer from an absence of God in their life, and feel very empty inside, they have a void they try to fill all the time. People who have a relationship with God see the zodiac, or numerology (just two examples) as tools and nothing more, because they are only seeking guidance. People who have an absence of God in their life see the zodiac, and numerology (just two examples) as magical and spell like things to get them what they want. Only the dark side offers to fix problems with spells or rituals, the side of light and good only seeks protection (removing spells, being safe from dark forces), and guidance. Anyone putting to much stock in the tools we can use is misguided. Free will trumps all, and we decide how we conduct ourselves, and who we get involved with in our lives. We can not control other people, and so it is on us to choose decent people to be in our lives, and to ask for God for guidance in this and all manners. If God to you is the Universe, then fine, but you have to have a higher power to offer up your worries and concerns, otherwise you will eventually be crushed under them, no one is capable of carrying the weight of a lifetime of baggage on there own shoulders.

    So if you are tiredofallthebullshit, then look at yourself, and then look to God. I am not blaming you for this guys actions, understand that, but I am saying in order to not attract these kind of characters again, you need to change yourself, and how you go about life. It will be a wonderful experience if you take the time, and do the work, that you must do in order to remake your life.

    I am sorry you had to go through what you went through, nobody should have any of that happen to them. It makes me sad that other people would treat someone like that, and you certainly did not deserve it. Just make it so that it does not happen again, but not by shutting yourself off to the world.

    God Bless,


  • Hi, I have a very hard time trusting people mostly men, but I will still try. ou will never have a relationship without trust. It may take time. If he gives you a reason not to trust him, than leave.You know, one time, shame on you. 2 times, shame on me. 3 times, it's a habit. Not every guy is gonna lie to you or betray you. (I haven't met one yet) but I don't lose hope. It just takes time. It probably just happened and that's why you feel the way you do. Time takes care of all. I have only been married once and never talked about it again. Girls lie and cheat on guys as much (if not more) than they do. We don't want to admit it but they do. You can't judge anyone on the actions of another. Just give it time. You will be ok.

  • Sylvannah,

    Interesting and insightful post.

    To Everyone,

    I think something that females need to understand is the lightning they have underneath their skirts, is serious business. You have to keep the male's big head (his brain) engaged, you have to keep him thinking and feeling with that grey matter between his ears. Once the little head gets involved (the purple helmeted warrior), things get complicated, and when that little guy gets involved too soon, then you got big trouble. That is why there has to be a relationship established before you do this stuff. How many people can you think of who can not stand each other outside of the bedroom? I can think of quite a few. I understand that compatibility in the area of the physical is important, more than I am going to divulge, but when that cart gets put ahead of the horse, it is usually H E double hockey sticks on earth to get turned around, and most likely ends up in a destruction of the relationship. There is a lot to be said for taking things slow.

  • Oh! Brian Tristan you are so right when you said that my friend (G) is not only stressed about his comapny.

    I was not aware of this at all, but one of his new female employees (she worked for him last summer)

    told the other employees that she had SEX* with him and that she got pregnant as a result!!!!!!

    I do NOT know what to believe. I tried to get answers from one of his employee; but, she would not say anything for some reason?

    My question to you Mr.Tristan is: Is this woman still pregnant?

    2. Has she given birth? If so has a blood test been done?

    3. Will the truth come out in this situation?

    Friends D.O.B. June 30,1950

  • Pilot007,

    I have no feeling on this on way or another. I get absolutely nothing. That could be just me, or it could be there is nothing to it. I have no idea, but I come up with nothing.

    If it is true, then you are kind of blessed to not be together with him, and part of this situation. And he is not someone you need to be with, if he could not respect the basic boundary of employer and employee.

    If it is not true, well you need to find that out for sure. It is one heck of an allegation. Anyway, like you said, wait for the mercury retrograde to be over, and get in touch, talk with him, and bring the subject up, and see what he has to say. Use your head, you can figure out what is what, you are not going to need any insights, you have a good BS detector.

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