Fallen out of love and in love with anouther.
MJ - Do you think you would be starting out on a good foundation? He won't EVER really trust you once the "honeymoon" period is over and reality sets in.
Hi again MJ, Here's one way to look at this. Your husband has a bad problem. It's then your responsibility to say to him, this is a serious problem and you need help. It's his responsibility (as an adult) to fix it. No, you can't fix him, he needs to seek help. You can not carry the burden after this point because you have told him. Something he already knows. After this point, if he doesn't seek help, you become the enabler. And I it does carry consequences. What Angeleyes wrote to you is very accurate. This is a problem that will carry from generation to generation thru your children, which I'm sure need a very positive influence at this point. I would get them involved in some positive activities--hey it's time. Wishing the best for you!
Well everyone......it all blew up into my face because i could not stand to look at myself anymore in the mirror. I cheated......and my hubby knows. I thought it was right at the time but realized it was not. There is one more bit to this story I failed to tell. Not that this is an excuse or makes me a better person........as of a week ago I had the same drug addiction and this man I have fallen for let me to belive I could beat it. I honestly beleive my husband was using our addiction to keep me with him. Someone had the faith in me and now I am on the road to recovery for me and my kids....or should I say was because I don't know what to do now. I truely believed this other man loved me because he was helping me become a better person. We belived we could make eachother become better people. I guess I was wrong. My husband knows the entire truth now because something like this is out of my nature to do......and I could not stand myself. Still can't. Now what do I do?? This relatonship was work related.....my husband made me quit last night.......made me call my lover on the phone and break it off......and he took my cell from me. Here i sit lost and broken hearted. I must be some sort of sucker. My husband even confronted the man and to my husband, made it sound like I was nothing to him. Feels like someone is stabbing me in my heart........but I guess I deserve what I get. I don't ever deserve to have anyone or be happy........never have and apperently never will.
Hi, I can tell your upset. Why were you wrong about the other man. You said he was helping you. What went wrong--was it your husband finding out. Well, your on the road to recovery--is your husband. Did the other guy dump you. What happened. You know exactly what to do to help yourself. Don't let him bully you. As I said in my first post to you, when your ready to leave, just do it. Find someone in the community to help you. This happens all the time and your not the first to be w/an addict. Don't let ANYONE lay a guilt trip on you. No one can force you to stay. Please get some help. Love.
You do know what to do, everything and anything you have to , to get to a better life for yourself and your children. Just dont give up, there is a better life, you need to start loving yourself, and thinking positive. you yourself are fighting addiction, a very hard thing to do, but you can do it. you can do anything you set your mind to. you may feel you lost him, and have no-one but things will get better, he may have reacted that way cause you said you broke it off, and he was hurt, or he was just afraid to say anything to your husband, for fear it would make things worse for you. or he just didnt care but that is NO reason to give up. the one thing i learned from my past mistakes was, ---- Life is what you make it, you can not make other ppls actions control your reactions, cuz it will destroy you, you have to be strong, and what is gonna be will be. so take one day at a time, and do everything for the btr of you not for others, You need to live again and find happiness elsewhere, work on that and each day gets btr. you need to start putting your needs up there with the rest of the world, like it should have been a long time ago. The one thing youll realize is the only person you truly needed to love was only yourself ( & ur children) , and after that you will find the "love of a lifetime" and you will find happiness!!! In the past you may not have cared about yourself, but you wrote asking for advice, so your on your way to a better tomarrow !! keep your chin up , stay strong, and each and every day will get easier. Dont worry about the rest of the world and what they think, only thing that matters is what you think of yourself and what your children think of you. And believe it or not, people do care, there is some people out there who care enough to tell you some advice , and show you through their past, how to stand tall, and keep a smile on your face. Keep on your road to recovery, dont let what has happened cause you to backslide. Its not worth the destruction to your body, your kids need you strong. I hope all works out for you.
I'm back...Okay MJ, lets get down to the meat of the problem here. No more pussy footing around, you need a reality check. The fact that you left your drug addiction out of your first postings is a huge problem for all of us that responded to you. How can you possibly make any decent decisions in your life when you are at the mercy of an addiciton. Let me tell you we all get up everyday and have to make hard, very hard, choices. You are not unique or different from any of us. Every one in the world looks for ways to ease the pain of day to day life. For me, drugs, alchohol, and other substances never worked, I just hated feeling out of control. For me, my addiction was work. During my 26 year career I drowned myself in my job. Ulitmately, it was no different that shooting something in my veins. I am now retired and am having to find new outlets. In my retirement I find that drugs and alchohol are still not an option, thank God because I have a pretty serious auto-immune disorder and if I did choose drugs to help me cope I would be very messed up right now because of all that is available to me due to my illness.
Look, the cold hard truth is, what goes around comes around, so right now you are being hard on yourself and maybe you should be. You know allowing another person into your personal life was not the right choice while you are married, not to mention the fact in the middle of fighting an addiciton. You need to get your act together not just for yourself, but, also your children. This whole, "The new man was very supportive, and assisting me in getting off drugs) is rediculous, you are the only one who can get yourself off drugs. You have to do it because you want to not because someone else wants you to. Stand up be brave and claim the life you want for you and your children. I am not saying it is going to be easy, it never is. Everyone posting responses to you has also had to make these same decisions. You CAN do it on your own, and you will be no good for anyone else until you do, do it on your own. Enough is enough, get tough with yourself, no more excuses, no more addictions, just healthy good living. Once you master that, the life you really want will come knocking at your front door and you will be ready. Remember, we attract people in our lives that emulate ourselves, so change yourself and you will attract different, healthy people. Come on, you can do this!!!
Hello Mj, I am so sorry that everything seemed to crumble for you in the past week, but now it is time to put things in order as you are no longer hiding anything, which really is a lot easier to cope with for you as you already have enough on your plate. First off, if nysiwas isn't a marriage and family therapist, she really needs to think about it; as her advice is very sound and very good. I will complete my PhD in the next couple months and her advice is as sound as I could have offered. Also angeleyes3516125 has given you some real good things to consider along with those who have struggled through many of the same things.
Yet, you think that what they have provided you is mute, because you cheated on your marriage and it came back on you. The fact is, it has made things easier because now he obviously knows that there is something seriously wrong with the marriage that allowed you to succomb to another man. Leaving the addiction thing out, was not as big a deal as some may paint it, as the advice is pretty much the same.
END one relationship, before you start another
and during the time between them, get your own life in order.
Yes, this guy was able to give you some sound advice. Getting some money together (afterall, you have provided income all along), ending the relationship, not becoming to involved (oh wait, what happened to that; guys can be so good at saying things and then getting in bed with a woman). Now what do you do. Your husband has once again strong armed you into staying and this abuse, yes abuse has to stop. I don't wantto tell you what to do but in an effort to be brief I will: 1- Do not go back to the drugs, stay straight for you and your kids as you have got to keep your wits about you if you ever want out of this. 2- Get your job back, he has no right to tell you to leave your means of support, all he is doing is making you more dependent on him. 3- It is time to confront your husband, tell him it is you and your family or the drugs; you have both got to get help, but do it seperately. If he chooses the drugs, that's fine it is time to leave! The philisophical/religious side of the marriage vows will not do you much good when there is an addiction and abusive spouse present 4. If he chooses you and the kids, give him a ultimatium, as for time to find help (perhaps a week) and let him know that you are also trying to get your life straight so NO Drugs in the house, if he falters or if he chooses the drugs to begin with, you gave him his chance, go live with your friend, but only if she is not not an addict, and start your new life. If you have to leave, wait till he goes to work and get a couple friends (female) to help you get your stuff out fast. If you have to find somewhere to go see it there is someone else or there are shelters available. I say it in this order as it will be much easier if there is someone in your life and it will make it easier.
The idea of getting some money together was great except that would have only been sound if your husband didn't know you may be leaving.
Get out while you still can. Your husband definitely appears to be overcontrolling and with the drug use this could escalate very quickly. If it is needed even take out a restraining order to keep some distance.
Once again, I am only offering you these steps directly, as things are going so fast now and you will only have so long to react. Relook the things that have been shared here and make a plan, but once again do it quickly as I can see things getting ugly real fast now, and first and foremost, you have to take care of you and your children. Oh and if you haven't figured it out yet, I am a guy. I wish you the very best and keep us posted when you can.
I figured its been like almost a week since I have posted anything. Alot has happend and I do not know where to begin. My husband found out about this other man and made me quit my job and dump him. Yes it was work relationship. Last Wed, I packed a bag and left. Some would say I was being a child and not facing my problems like an adult. I ended up spending 2 days in my old home town by the beach. For some reason I always ended up back there during some of the lowest points of my life. I was not there 30 mins. and found myself on the beach walking, searching my soul. After no contact with anyone but myself for the first day I realized I needed to check myself into some sort of drug program before it was too late. I also realized I've been in a depression for years now. I finally admitted the truth to my parents and they came right away to see me. I was going to move away with them but I did not want to be away from the children. As bad of a man my husband is he has always been the perfect father and done right by my girls. I never thought he'd ever change his drug habit because of his health issues. By the next day my husband had found me. He had come to talk with me at my room. Told me he had did alot of soul serching himself and went to see his doctor and told him that he felt that Methadone was taking over his life. Now he is currently trying to become a clean person also. I moved back into our house a few days later. We are choosing to become clean together for our childeren and remain in the same house. We start marraige counseling next week. I am now seeing my own councelor on my own too.....to deal with my own issues that date back to when I was 16. I am trying my hardest to stay away from this man I fell in love with till I deal with all these issues first. Thanks to the advice of alot of you fine people. My only problem is I am still so damn depressed because I feel like I lost the love of my life......I don't ever remember ever feeling like this. Just hearing his voice makes me smile yet I know I have all these other issues at hand. He is trying to leave this decision totally up to me. I have been in this house for a few days and it seem like my husband is trying to drive me crazy. Our agreement was to live together as friends for the kids and become clean together. I feel like I am in prison. I don't know if I should stay or go. I'm trying not to tear my kids hearts out. I feel like I will never be happy here ever again and all I can think about is this other man.
I'm back...I know that once you make a healthy choice it is very scarey because you are giving up your coping mechanisms, but, you must stick with your decision. The fact that the two of you have decided to get clean together is music to my ears. Of course you are going to think about this other man, after all, he represented the white night coming to rescue you (gimme a break) and now you have to face the fact that was just a fairy tale.
Get rid of the fairy tale and move on with reality. The reality is you and your husband have a lot of work to do together to fix this broken family, but, you can do it. From the sound of it your husband loves you very much. However, that does not mean the marriage will work, the only way to know if the marriage will work is through exactly what you're doing, individual and marriage counceling. I bow down to you in respect and admiration as you make these very tough decisions in your life. Stick to your guns stay away from this new guy, and before you know it your situation will become crystal clear and you will know exactly what to do. It's going to take some time, all the hard things in life usually do.
I have to say it again, thank you for putting your children before anything else, what a great mom and person you are. Hang in there, soon there will be resolution if you continue on this very healthy path you have chosen, and in regards to your feeling like a prisoner, that's really normal in a situation like yours. It feels like prison because in a way it is. Whenever we do the right thing in life we often feel imprisoned because the right thing is always the hardest thing.
Good luck and keep us posted!!!
I have been with a man thats an angel for the last six years. I left aman many years ago and got married tomy husband and we were together for 4 yrs before we got married, it only lasted 8 months. The man I left approxamatly 12 yrs , I was deeply in love with him, he was my all. He moved to Alaska and I have not seen him all these years. I left him over his lifestyle. Back to now, The man I have been with the last six years supports my schooling and traets me good, doesn't belittle me but we have drifted more towords really good freinds. The only problem is that Geminis like doing a variety of things and we used to go do alot of things together but he is now a recluse doesn't want to do anything with me, I don't know what to do anymore, I have stopped my social life and I am with him everyday, see he had a stroke about 4 yrs ago and I have stayed because of I feel indebted to him for all his assistance in enabling me to get two associates and now working on a third. Plus I feel i should be there for him in his time of medical need. The problem arose about 6 months ago. The man I was totally head over heels with called me and he has grown over the years his lifestyle isn't a problem anymore and he wants me to come back. I told him I have responsabilities here and I thought it was all over. The prolem is that I can't get him out of my mind and it is driving me nuts. Family telss me its boredom, I don't think so. I have moved on with my life but now it is so hard. The man I am with means alot and I do care about him but there is something missing and I can't it back. I don't know what to do any more. Does any gemini's have any advice that would help. I am with a sag, the man that wants me back is a Libra. Both signs get along great with a gemini and I am being tugged in two directions. HELP
rette1 - you do sound lonely & bored & unhappy & are hankering after your lover that he was before his stroke (hope that makes sense!) You are being bowled over by your flirty Libra...and as a fellow Gemini flattery always works on me, however wrong it may be, and it sounds as though its working on you. I don't think the way forward is to go back with your Libra - that episode has closed,you've both changed and you will be living in the past,but I must admit it would sound tempting. I feel for you also, because you have lost your "lover" and to a gemini the sensuous side of a relationship is very important. My mother is experiencing the same thing - my father has early onset dementia - and after 46 years my mum has been reduced to a "carer" status and she has lost her "lover" as my father is not able to show affection at all. Its heartbreaking. They were inseparable. Going back to you though, I think you should take a leaf out of my mum's book and reestablish your social life - you need breathing space and an interest to occupy your mind . Having some breathing space will clear your mind and help you to make tough decisions. Your decision needs to be the best for you ....
It's been some weeks since I've posted anything here. Now probably issnot the best time to do so because I am pritty mad.
First of all I am doing alot of rebuilding on my own part because I have relized I need to become more independent as a person. When I met my husband I was 20. I moved out of my parents house and in with him. Never had the chance to support myself and achieve independence on my own.
I've realized that me as a person needs alot of work. I'm getting my licence and going back to school as a start.
We are giving up on marrage counseling because he is not being honest with our marrage councelor and I am sick of being the bad guy. I believe he played a part in what I did because of his drug issues and the councelor don't even know about his issues. We need to be honest all around or it is not going to work!!! As I write this my husband is in jail. Why because he chose to lie to me once angain and not tell me his licence was suspended so today they arrested him because he is a habituall offender. My children witnessed the arrest and are upset. I'm stuck at home with no money to get him out and everyone I call is sick of bailing him out of trouble because he has burned so many people in the past. 5 arrests and 5 evictions in 11 years.
Now I again don't know what to do. We are both seeking personal counseling. He insisted he was trying to do the right things to keep us together and so was I. By why did he again have to not tell me about this and when is he going to grow up and deal with issues that are a priority. How much more do I have to take??
Iam still so in love with this other man but have not talked to him at all. It feels like I am making everyone happy but me and it's begining to seem unfair!! Here I am doing what everyone has advised me to do but nothing seems to be working!!! All I can do is think about this other person no matter how hard I try to forget!! WHY?
Hi, Actually, the other guy sounded ok to me in the first place. Your husband is not going to change overnight. If you're going back to school that's great. I wish you the best. Keep your options open because in the long run that's who takes care of you--you. Don't forget that God puts people in your life to help you. In the long run, you have to make your own choices as to what is best and what YOUR heart says---Dalia.
relationships are hard even when you think that you have them figured out you discover that you don't.....people or people and make mistakes....change...grow... and regress....the problem comes when it's time to let go ...when you should..you don't.....I do believe in the saying....if you have a butterfly... let it go ...and if it comes back... it was yours....if it doesn't ... it never was...I think people are the same way...you can't hold on to somethings that wants to be free....it
will treats you badly becuase of your tight grip......
Sometimes the grass seems greener on the other side. Especially when you are going through trials and tribulations. You need to seek counseling and other methods before seeking the comfort of others. It seems like your husband has faced a very traumatic experience and the addiction may be a result of depression. Many times when someone is depressed (trust me I know) they don't realize it and the way they act out is a result of the depression.
You can try and get him to go on meds and seek counseling and if the situation is still unhealthy for you maybe you can have some time a part. But during the time a part don't rely on the comfort of others. Work on yourself and allow him some time to work on himself.
I was in a recent situation, although not married, I thought we were giving each other space to work on our own and I find out my ex is with his ex girlfriend. That was very hurtful. Just do the things the right way so in the end you will have no regrets.
we do the best with the knowledge we have.....it's easy to give advice if we're not in the situation...I'm not saying that it is'nt good advice ....it is...but when your actually in the situation it's different...we react with our broken heart and must do what we can to heal the pain...no matter how crazy....we are all human and capable of mistakes just like everone else....just like he made mistakes you capable of the same.....sometimes I think that some of us are to
harder on our selves,,,,we are all human......so if you do make a mistake learn from it don't beat yourself up about it....peace