Fallen out of love and in love with anouther.
When I was 20 I met a man that is 12 years older than me and we got married. Now 11 years later we have drifted apart and can no longer relate to eachother at all. All we do is fight. His father passed away not to long ago and ever since, he has been a changed, cold hearted person. Since we have been married we have been evicted out of 4 or 5 places and the bills just keep building up. He also has an addiction problem and it is the reason why we have been suffering the way we have. I have now decided that I can not live like this no more.
Recently I met someone my age that thinks th world of me. We have become realy close as friends and I believe I am falling in love with him. He has already let me know where he stands on his feelings for me. I never imagined I would ever be in love with someone else. I have not been unfaithfull to my husband as of yet. I was just looking for a little bit of advise from anyone. How do I tell him it's over?? Where do I go from here?
Hi, My advise is to get to know this person. Sometimes we fall into the same trap of meeting the same people w/the same traits (addiction, etc.) Sometimes people w/addiction problems do crazy things, so be careful. Do you have family or friends that you can stay with, do you work. I just don't know enough about your situation. I would sit down and talk w/someone that can help you get re-established, maybe a womens center. I definitely would not tell him. When your ready to leave, do it. He needs to get into treatment if he wants to remain w/you and then that's not exactly easy either. I think it's cool that you have someone to talk to and like so much.
Well, first things first. I think that you need to tell the truth about your feelings to your husband. If your relationship is not driven by love anymore then, there is no point in perpetuating it. AFter 11 years together, you know how best to handle this needed conversation in a way that you not hurt you both more. He needs treatment, and if you manage to help him understand this, then you will be helping a person that one day meant much more in your life. I can see that you are having hard time to make ends meet, but free treatments in Anonym Associations may be of great help for him. He is lost and needs to focus in his centre, and will only manage to do this if he opens up his heart... like you are doing now, with this new friend. Enjoy the ride with this new person, and now that you have learned that you do not like to be maltreated, then preserve yourself in your future relationships, whicever these are (love, work, family, friendship, etc...)
Love and Light for U
My husband is currently living with another woman. He started an emotional affair, like the one you are having, with this woman last year, and it became physical in April. I knew nothing of this. We have been together 13 years and married three years ago. We had a good life; he enjoyed his job, mine was tough, but I was working on a degree so I could teach and we could move and be near his grandchildren if he wanted to, or near my family.
Out of the blue, in June, he said he was confused, thought he loved me but didn't think he was IN LOVE with me. Shortly thereafter he confessed to being in a physical affair. We made good money together, but this woman is on welfare and gets child support. She has had three restraining orders filed against her, one by her ex-husband. She has a four-year-old son (along with two grown children) and the father questioned the paternity of that child before he would consider paying child support. Her home was foreclosed on. She is looking for someone to pay her way through life.
If my husband had hinted at all that there was any discontent in his life, we could have worked through it. Your situation sounds terrible, and I think you have been put through a lot. My husband's and my life was good. My husband had some health issues that caused him somer performance problems in the bedroom, and he blamed the fact that the didn't love me anymore, or so he thought. He is in a midlife crisis and making big decisions and big mistakes.
I think you should talk to your husband and tell him that you don't want to keep living as you have been with him. If my husband had wanted out of our marriage and wanted a new life, that's all he had to say. Of course at first I would have tried to talk to him about the possibility of doing what it took to remain together, but I have tried hard to preserve our good memories. It is not that I would want to keep him if he wanted to leave; I just found the ways he chose to 'leave' extremely hurtful. I wish he had been honest from the beginning.
Hi Pelaqis, It seems the other woman will give the guy the "ultimatum." Your husband may not have been sure about his feelings for her. Still may not be.
Thank you for your advise.....i usually do not resort to doing things like this....I feel like i'm telling my problems to the world. I've just been so confused. I do work and a few weeks ago started a little "hidden" nest egg. The man I have fallen for basically told me he did not want me to end up on the street. We don't wan't to rush things between eachother either. So I think once I can get everything all set I will be moving in with a girlfriend of mine. I also have kids so this seems like its going to be a long difficult process. They hardly know me any more it seems like because i work graveyard shift and they are at school all day. Plus being the "stricked parent" they seem to hate me for it. Thanks......I am trying to take my time getting to know the other person......i won't do something stupid like move right in with him.....I have made that mistake before and think i've learned my lesson!
I honestly have told this man time and time again how I feel.....we keep following the same messed up patterns in our relationship over and over again. Loosing homes over and over again. I don't know him any more. I love what you wrote at the end "Love and Light for You" someday I hope! I appericiate your advice to me!
I have told him how I've felt a million times and the same things happen. I feel realy guilty about falling in love with someone else. I was raised by parents that are still together and was taught marrage is a once in a life time thing. I have yet to tell them what I have been going through. They know bits and pieces but not all the dirt. You telling me how hurt you were makes me feel so bad. I have not moved on with this guy yet......we've descussed me being on my own. He has beeen telling me to make sure I have all my eggs in my basket before I end up with nothing. We don't want to live together yet because it would be rushing things too fast. But he seems to want to make sure i can take care of my self if I am on my own. My husband seems to think if he brings home a huge paycheck and has money that things are OK with us but it aint even that anymore. I honestly don't care about the money. I just want him heathy and happy. He is a changed man that I did not fall in love with. Part of me believes that i got married too young for the wrong reasons.....maybe because of the way I was brought up. I met him and a year and a few months later I was married and pregnant. My kids are what makes this harder. Lately though I beleive they deserve to have a happy healthy mom not depressed. Thank you!!! All!!
You keep saying that you've fallen in love with someone else, however, you don't fall in love. Love is something that is chosen, yes you will feel lust and attraction to people however but to love someone is to choose to love them. It is a choice of commitment, it is a choice of togetherness. Fairly tales and love stories, tell us that we are falling in love but what they really should say is that we are making choices daily to make this connection with this person.
Please understand that I'm not judging, because I don't know you. I'm just a person who has read another persons details of a situation that they are currently living.
If you have ever loved your husband, then my advise to you is to stop interacting with this other person and work on you and making a happy home for your children. Understand that I am in No way saying to stay with your husband. I'm saying cutting ties with this other person that you are truly trying to move forward with will be clearer and more successful if you don't continue to try to build something with him while you are still MARRIED. No matter how bad your marriage is, the plain truth is that YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. If this new person truly loves you, then when he gives you advise about not putting all of your eggs in one basket, he will also say to you "If I truly love you, then I will wait for you. I won't clutter or cloud your choices by being the grass that's greener on the other side." "I will support you by walking away, so that you don't find yourself feeling guiltly about cheating(not physically but definitely EMOTIONALLY). I will be here when or if you need me, but not as a potential suitor but as a TRUE FRIEND.
Relationships are hard work and MARRIAGE, my God is like running on a beach in combat boots. If you put in the work and dedication you will make it through the sand but if you complain or quit you won't succeed. You have tried, I don't know if you've tried everything and anything but you have tried. So I congratulate you on this, but your obligation is to GOD, YOURSELF, YOUR CHILDREN, and lastly to truth. The truth of not wanting this marriage anymore. If you are honest with your husband and you tell him that you feel or know that this marriage is over, then you have met your obligation to him. Think about it this way, if the situation were reversed would you be ok with your husband going outside of YOUR marriage and emotionally connecting with someone who was just waiting to take YOUR place. What would you feel? What would you have wanted your husband to do for you? Would you want him to be building a new relationship with someone else? Everyone will give you advise, but you already know what's RIGHT TO DO. You are just looking for people to Confirm for you, that its OK to get involved with this other person. But it really isn't, this other situation that you're building you are building on quicksand. You are a wife and a mother and you may need someone to talk to, then talk to your mother or a friends mother, an aunt, talk to your friends(who will be honest with you and not just agree with you because they don't want you to be hurt), talk to someone who has no vested interest out side of TRULY WANTING THE BEST FOR YOU. This other person may be GgggRRREEAATT!!, but if he didn't have any desire for you and he really wanted the best for you, the option of you all being together would never have come up. Your husband is sick and he needs help, find some programs and tell him that if he doesn't go to get help then you are leaving him because he needs to get his life in order and you have children that you have to protect. We are human and we change, and THAT'S OK!!! Think about character, think about truth and TRUST. Think about what you would want someone to do for you, this is not easy. But the strength that you have inside of you because you are strong; You were very brave in doing this, allowing people to give advise in a situation where they only truly know one side of the story. You are smart, you have held your family together even after being evicted numerous times, use that same strength to get back on your own two feet and do what's right. Take care of your children, ensure that they are mentally, physically and emotionally safe and happy. Take care of yourself mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Remember starting a new relationship isn't going to make any, ANY of this better, It will look like it is better for you in the beginning, but would you truly trust someone that let you in emotionally and was making plans to be with you when they were with someone else? NOT REALLY, RIGHT!!! (No matter what their situation was....)
This is sent to you in love and from love, because I truly want you to be happy(whether it's with your husband or without)
After reading that one I feel like a jerk.....I guess I am! My family are not around here and like I said before would not even begin to understand because of the way they brought me up. I guess I was sort of an idiot for resorting to advise this way. My closest friend passed away a few months ago so I guess I needed a shoulder to lean on.
Sweetie don't feel like a jerk at all. I have done much the same thing as you, though for different reasons. Without your family around is doubly hard and we all need comfort at times and some new friends do not always have the understanding in certain things we are going through even though they love us. I'm sorry to hear about your closest friend passing. My condolences.
I like what nysiwas had to say though a bitter pill to swallow at times my conscience will tell me that is mostly a good path to take. In fact I have resisted it quite a lot and reading nysiwas message I am beginning to understand what the person I have feelings for is trying to guide me to do. For you it is the other way perhaps futuremj, maybe you will have to take that step to have your space with your kids when the time is right. Perhaps with that you can see better what is right for you and what your true feelings are. Then you can heal yourself and reflect and you will gradually find yourself with the strength to know and do what you think is right for you and your children. An addicts environment is not good for them either and your husband has to at least change for them even if not for a marriage. By all means work on the marriage if you can, but at the same time do not keep yourself in an unhealthy situation. You and your kids have rights too not just your husband or the marriage. You are thinking on the right lines about not moving in with the man you currently love and staying with a friend. You need to evaluate your relationship with him in your own time once you have sorted out your position with your marriage and you have found your own ways to boost your happiness in the company of friends and spending time doing something fun with your kids even if only once a week as you have a lot on your shoulders providing for the family and working difficult hours hardly able to see your kids. I really feel for you. It is very hard being a loving mummy or wife even though the feelings are there when you are frazzled and overworked. I feel like that too. You are carrying the family on your shoulders on your own and life is very lonely with an addict/absent husband and it is no wonder that your feelings for your husband have left you and you needed some kindness and affection. Don't beat yourself up about it though, no good will come of it, just look forward to how you can make positive changes all round be it within your marriage or separate. If you need to make certain changes quickly or slowly you will know what feels right. I'm sure a bit of time with your little ones will help you reconnect with them and prepare them to move to a better home with you if it comes to it. How I don't know. I'm sorry I can't advise you on this. My situation is different as I am solely responsible for my little one. Free 30 mins legal advise and information about mediators is helpful at least to furnish you with knowledge and the confidence to understand your options fully so that you will not be manipulated with fear.
I am glad you have found love and it is sad when it comes in such a difficult situation so taking your time as you are is the best thing, especially to judge if it is for real or a reaction to your unhappy situation. You would not want to yo-yo driven by different forces. Your trusty shoulder will understand the value of friendship for now if you explain that if there were to be a future for you together, you will need to be recovered, happy, yourself and have your children's best interests sorted out and comfortably standing on your own two feet. Then any relationship you may start has a solid ground and a better chance of survival. If you decided to restore your marriage, your husband works through his addiction then you lover and you will have saved yourselves a lot of heartache. Play it safe is your best bet.
Good Luck! Keep being strong for your kids as you are. Thank you for posting this it is helping me too. We all have different paths to tread and different lessons to learn. It is nice to be able to share and help each other out sometime.
Okay I'm little late in the weigh in here, but here goes. I totally agree with nysiwas, and I can understand that pnkt wanted to soften the blow of the truth. But, here's the deal, you have to get up everyday and make the choice to do the right thing. This is where morals, ethics, and common sense come into play. You know in your heart that even having this new person in your life is NOT morally or ethically correct. Yes it feels good to have someone fresh in your life that is telling you he only wants what is best for you and your children, but, just like nysiwas said, If he really had your well being in his mind, he would step back and stop giving you uneeded advise. When I say uneeded what I mean is, in this fragile place where you are right now in your life, the LAST thing you need is another love interest giving you his thought on how you should proceed. People in general don't like being on thier own, but with you I can sense that you do understand the importance of standing on your own two feet before deciding what to do with your love life.
I do have one other thought, have you ever stopped to think that your husband absolutely knows you're done with him, come on, you live in the same house, you communicate on a regular basis. You need to get real here, this is important, think of how he feels when he knows in his gut that you are basically already gone. I think of him, not you, when I think of what's best here, wait, let me rephrase that, I think of your children, him, then you, when I think of what's best here. It is entirely possible that your current husband totally can feel the distance between you two and the bottom line is, this kind of pressure being put on him during his fragile time and state of mind is causing him a lot of pain.
First and foremost, teach your children by living by example, show them what to do when a marriage gets in trouble. Our children learn by watching us, we always have to live by example, no matter how hard it is. The best thing for your children to witness, (as long as there is no physical abuse in the home) is a caring, strong, loving, wife and mother, who is doing the very best she can in this awful situation. I am not suggesting that you should not leave with your children, what I am suggesting is that if you do leave with them, that you still live by example and make sure you end this marriage the right way. No affairs mentally or physically is the answer. My definition of an affair does not require you take your clothes off, an affair is an affair when you start confiding on someone else outside the marriage about very private things that are going on in the marriage. I would feel differently if this was a girlfriend of your's, but this person has already told you how he feels about you, he is not an objective outsider who is just trying to be helpful, he is fighting for what he wants, and what he wants is you. Don't kid yourself, this man knows what to say and how to get to you. And on that note, I also agree with the comment about be careful about who you choose next to try to make a life with, we very often choose people with the same traits of the person we left behind.
Lastly, and I do mean lastly, I don't mean to be hard on you, but, you had a hand in how this marriage go to this point. Stand up accept responsiblity for your part in it, and you will definitely find the right answers to your problems.
I know no one but me can fix the problem I am currently in......and maybe this other guy in his own suttle way is trying to just get what he want's ME. I have been sooo unhappy about everything lately that I am just ready to pack up and leave everything........i just want some happiness for once in my life...just once
Hi all,esp.futuremj-I have never done anything like this before either, but here goes. I have been in the same situation as you, and my measly little bit of advice is, as ny...said-do what is right. Your situation sounds much worse than mine everwas, but I always split before it gets that bad. This is not something I'm proud of, though. While I know in my heart that staying in the situation was not the thing to do, I wish I had been more honest about what I was doing. I was cowardly and rationalized what I did with the "Life's too short to be unhappy" excuse. Now, though I don't regret leaving, I do regret how I did it, and am now unhappy with myself-somone I can't run away from. Be honest with yourself, and everyone in the situation. If it's over, it's over, and a lot of times that's a good thing, but at least you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror
and stand up in front of your family. Listen to that song by (I think) Garth Brooks called "Then What?" It is so true! Good Luck-from someone who's been there
Hi futuremj, In the long run, what you have to look at is, can I always bail-out this guy. I lived w/ an addict for ten years. I don't regret the decision to leave. He will always have someone taking care of him. If he doesn't or won't take ownership of his problem, then you'll have to meaning to get out or take care of him--if that's even possible. It's not really a FALSE DILEMMA. You know and only you know how much he is out of control and no you can't help him. He must seek help himself. There are probably people available to you that would help you and I hope you seek their help. Be strong, you'll be ok.
Futuremj, Girl you are not a jerk!! By no means are you anything other than a soul in need of some PEACE. Please understand that I was not trying to hurt you, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings but sometimes the people who love us have to tell us the GOOD OLE FASHION PLAIN TRUTH!!! We all look for something to make us feel better when we feel bad, some turn to people some turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever... But most things outside of ourselves are temporary.
I believe you need to sit down and write out a list, map out a plan to do something to get your life in order. I've been through so many different things and I have sometimes felt like totally throwing in the towel, but that doesn't solve anything. You have found some people who care even if its only for a few minutes over the internet. You have found some people who can help you to see that your not alone, someone, some where has been through what you're going through and still we SURVIVED, as will YOU!! This is the time for you to take it one step at a time, start your TAKING CARE OF ME AND THE KIDS MONEY, this way if you have to drop everything and make a quick exit at least you won't be totally broke.
Look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself how powerful you are, and remind yourself of the truimphs of the past, present and GIRL the ones that are soon to come.
Don't give up, don't quit. Create happiness for your children and yourself. Sometimes our family has an idea of who we are, and what we should or shouldn't do. Remember this, you have to live with the consequences of your actions and our parents won't always agree with what we do or how we do it, but the bottom line is its your LIFE to live. Live it wisely.
Okay, I think I love nysiwas, I totally agree with everything nysiwas has said. Futuremj, just don't forget to breathe. Get up everyday and just breathe your way through the muck and the muttle. Take care of your children and yourself. I don't think there is any much more that can be said, now you just have to get out there and do it. And remember, most of us have been through this situation, and survived, as a matter of fact, I am grateful for the experience, without it I would not be who I am today. And I like, no, LOVE who I am today.
Good luck and keep us posted!!!
All I am going to add, is that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and don't jump from your marriage straight into the arms of this other guy...give yourself breathing space to clear your mind completely and do what's best for you and your children.
I have lived that same life , Id have to say maybe to a bit more of an extreme, but you can sit and question what is the right answer over and over again, but reality is if your even questioning it, you already know the answer. The others have said many very important facts, but one important one was forgotten, if you stay and things remain the same, you are teaching your children it is ok to live like that and be treated like that, I know cuz I now get to sit back and watch my children repeating my life, which kills me everyday. If you have boys they learn that its ok to treat women bad, and to move from house to house, girls grow up to allow abuse and to tollerate bad behaviour from men, it starts a chain of disaster for your children and your grandchildren. you need to leave as soon as possible. AND if the marriage is worth fixing , make him get the help he needs. and down the road if it is better then work on the marriage, if it isnt , in the time you are waiting for him to change his ways, you grow too. and in turn you teach your children that marriage is sacride but also that you never tollerate bad behaviour. put that new person on hold til you are strong enough for a relationship. If its meant to be it will be. You can not ever find love til you love yourself enough to stand up for yourself , and take care of yourself and your children. Us women tend to be weak in one way or another and we let things happen to us because we are afraid of what others will say, but also others are gonna say things about what we are trying so hard to hide from the world. Right now you need to stand up for yourself and be strong, and put all your attention on you and those children , in the end you will find the one love that you need so badly, your own. and after that you will find total happiness beyond belief, I know cause I now after all these years (25 years of rocky relationships_ 4 children, 3 grandchildren later) have found myself and the most wonderful man on earth ! Also as far as family, they may live by certain standards, but no true loving parent would want their babies to be treated bad, and a divorce is better than the live you live. Realize one thing you and your children deserve a better life, and if that means on your own alone than so be it, cause you arent alone you have your children , and that is the best love a mother can ever have. Be strong and never give up because that broken road will lead you to a beautiful life eventually, nothing comes easy but what we work hard for is always worth the wait.
One of your marriage vows asks if you will promise to be together through sickness and in health. Your husband is sick. Help him to get well...work it out. It's hard, but no one said marriage would be easy.