When do you walk away?



  • I have been with my boyfriend for four years now and recently found out that when he was out of town working he cheated on me which i had already thought he was. I didn't find out the truth till after he was back home. He wants me to forgive him and work things out but I feel if I do then I am pretty much giving him permission to always cheat. At the same time I am struggling to walk away from him. Why? My feelings are very deep for him and we discussed forever before he left out of town but haven't said to much about it since. I want to walk away and teach him that cheating is not ok but for some reason I can't bring myself to walk away yet.... Can some one explain to me why I just can't say no and turn and walk away?



  • That's a really hard question and if anyone had the answer the world would be a much better place to live. My rule is if a partner breaks one of the three A's (Abuse, Addiction, or Adultery) I walk away. Why? because you have to get up everyday just like he does and go out into the world just like you do, his decisions are no harder than yours are, and quite frankly what he did is inexusable, even if he says it was just that one time. You deserve better than that and beleive me there are many, many, other men who would cherish someone like you and never break one of my A rules.



  • I agree with Myviewpoint. However, go with your gut instinct. If you feel happier being with him, take your relationship slowly. Tell him that he has got to win your trust again......and if your gut ache hasn't shifted by now,then something isn't right.



  • Hi, It's hard for you to walk away because you didn't cheat, didn't know he was going to. And you probably still love him. The question I would ask you is how did you find out. Did he confess or did you just happen upon it. That's an important aspect. If he did confess, maybe you should look into forgiveness. Personally, I believe, spiritually, that you would be better away from this situation. )))))))))) >




  • I think it is really hard to walk away sometimes because we are giving up a dream - not the person, not the relationship but the dream you have of being with someone, of sharing a life with them. This relationship could be just the shadow of that dream and the real substance is waiting out there for you. What you are looking for is the experience and the feeling of 'being claimed' and you can have that with others, and that is the hard part - we think at the time that "he is the only one for me". Well you are not "the only one for him'. Claim yourself until you can be claimed by someone to whom you are the sun, moon and stars and investigating any other woman would never even enter their consciousness. You can stay with this one but understand that the real dream is still out there - read the signal for what it is - This is not It!



  • Perhaps it's because you feel if stand up and honor yourself by refusing to allow this invalidation by this person you will never find another? When the truth is you already knew this was happening as you stated. Letting someone go we care about is never easy, yet it makes an opening for the universe to bring us a divine complement. You can make your wish list and be specific as you can as to the kind of person you would like to have in your life. Then send out "Thank You's" to the universe for that person being in your life, feel what it will feel like with that person next to you, how wonderful it is to be loved,honored and supported by this person. The catch is you have to let one thing go and live through all the change and work that it takes in order to make room for the right one. Also be willing to take the time it takes to go through all the processes that are nessasary . Anyway be kind to yourself and be your own best friend. :-}



  • why, cuz u love him for (who he is), not the same as to (where he is) and that my love is a duality .most people are working through, world wide n beyond. I practice , actuality vs potential. in relationships, ( a healthy one) 80% actuality is awsome. with only 20% potential. its the potential that is the work, I just walked away from a 80% potential and only 20% actuality and im being nice. though i woul fall for the wounded crippled birds due low self esteem, we are all infinite beings of light. we are not what we do. with the % information you be able to see for y0ur self if its right for you or not. to walk or stay its in the %age. peace. djm109@cox.net



  • I also have been in your position. My husband has had at least 3 affairs that I am aware of and probably more that I do not know about. I choose to stay with him because of several different reasons. My religion does not support divorce. I have 2 children that would rarely if ever see their father if I divorced him. I am also partially financially dependent upon him. That said, I can tell you that once the trust is violated it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to repair. I can also tell you that it is a rare person who only cheats once. A person cheats for many reasons and sex is only a small part of it. Perhaps you should be asking yourself what staying with this man is going to do to your self esteem. My decision to remain with my man has negatively impacted my self esteem and I am having to work hard to regain my self esteem. Just a thought....



  • To just1nt1me,

    Hello, Iam new to this forum. I read your story and I know what you are going through.I am going through a separation/ divorce. I made my husband leave after 7yrs of marriage. He had cheated on me a few times amongst many other things. I realised that as scary a decision as it was to walk away, I am so much happier now than I ever was with him. I learned from my personal experience that when you forgive and forget, it seems that they take it as a liscense to keep doing it knowing that you will just forgive yet again. I do not know your guys personality, but if you do decide to stay I suggest counseling together. It helped me decide that I wasn't going to put myself through this anymore.not to mention that now you have to worry about diseases and everything else. You have to ask yourself if you would even be able to trust him again? Trust is huge and without it, there's no point in continuing on. It did take me a long time to decide to leave my situation, but only your heart knows when its had enough and your heart will tell you when and if its time to leave. You will just know within yourself. I wish you all the best and some healing too!

    Bakergrl



  • Damn Ok I Understand But What I Was Thinking Was Ok I Was Wth My Ex For 11 months Right Well We Were Together For 11 Months And There Was A Couple of Instances When I Was Drunk Or Buzzing And I Didn't Exactly Kiss No Kiss or Grab Them Well the Point Is That This One Time I Was Grabing This girls Shirt And We Were Talking Because I Used To Like Her Then The Next Day I Told My Girlfriend Well My Former Girlfriend Now That I Did That Because I Didn't Feel Right And I Felt Like I Had To Tell Her The Truth And Well She Got Mad But She Got Mad Well At the Girl And I Told Her She Should Be Mad At Me But The Whole Point That Is Not Cheating Right???? Well Of Course It's Not Right Of Course And I Had Drank Some Amount Where If I Think About It Or Try To Remember Well Yeah I Remember But I Was Buzzing So What Does Anyone Think About How I Handled It And What Do Anyone Think Please Reply



  • Perhaps its just not time. He may have something to teach you yet. Be patient and when the time is right you will know it. God puts people in your life for a reason and perhaps the reason is not up yet.

    Good Luck



  • Jsh510 v,

    I think that if the girl you were talking to knew that you were involved with someone else than she is partly to blame for letting it go a little too far with you. It all boils down to RESPECT for your girlfriend and your RELATIONSHIP with her. You keep saying "well I was buzzing or I drank a lot that night." and that is just a cop-out for your bad behavior. You KNEW what you were doing even when "drunk". I have been drunk many times and I am still capable of knowing what is going on and I remember everything that went on. Please dont use drinking as an excuse for yourself anymore. Take RESPONSIBILITY for YOURSELF and your ACTIONS. If you want to just play the field so to speak, than by all means go for it! But dont bring someone into your life and then hurt them like that.



  • Jsh, Your girlfriend had every right to be so mad at you, and I can tell you what she was thinking ....so here goes!

    If you were just "buzzed", what would you do if you were really drunk? Where is the respect and commitment to your relationship?

    you have lost the trust between the both of you. No TRUST and no RESPECT for your girlfriend, yeah!....she dumped you, and will not look back! Also, you apparently do not respect yourself to get so intoxicated as you loose your own self respect and are only thinking about yourself at the time.

    I hope you learn to curb your drinking, or you will be a man without a true loving relationship.

    Good luck and wise up!



  • I had to think about this one before I knew what I wanted to say. First to many people use alcohol as an excuse to do things they wouldn't do sober. You didn't have a right first to lay your hands on the other girl let alone grab her close. Second if the shoe were on the other foot and your girlfriend would have done what you did with another guy would you have let her get away with the excuses you used? May your relationship with her is over but if you want to have one with someone else maybe drinking is something you'll want to leave out of the equation.



  • Just1nt1me I think it might be easier to say something to you if I knew how old you are and the age of your boyfriend. Also an important piece of info left out was are there any children. How long have you been together. These are all things to be taken into consideration. And no two situations are exactly the same. Its hard to say when I have been in your shoes. I have have situations that were similar but we all just kind of handle them the way that if the best for us. We would like to think we know what we would do, but truth we don't always react the way we say we would at that time. I can tell you that in every relationship I have been in I don't take as much as I did in the ones before. And now I look at them and try to find something good that came from it no matter how small it was . Hell in one of mine I learned how to make Fried Rice. And that's what I learned from that one. No I say maybe its not always my lesson, maybe they had something to learn too. Like what they lost. Hope you make the right decission for you. Wish you well.



  • Did he go out of town to meet with her, or was she a stranger? Oprah did a special recently on "Why Men Cheat" and there is a book of that title. If he really cares about the relationship, he should pay for couples counseling. Get to the bottom of it. What dynamic in your relationship set that in place. Whether or not you stay with him, counseling of some sort or soul searching, journaling, for yourself would be healthy. Please don't interpret this as "blaming" you in any way. Why did he cheat on YOU. What is it in your psyche that would attract a man that would cheat on you. You need to find your own power and truth and stand in that. You need to forgive yourself for being in this position. Thru self forgiveness and self love you will ultimately forgive him (whether you stay or not), and may actually thank him for enlightening you in some way. You are your own beloved. Be true to her, first and foremost. Goddess Bless You.


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