Mountain or Molehill?

  • I have a situation that is causing me distress and I am starting to think that I am trying to make something out of nothing....a unbiased opinion is needed.

    I (DOB 11/19/64) worked for the same company that my fiance (7/30/64) does currently, but several months ago I was considering a different job and this upset my boss so badly that he ended up showing me the door. Every year this company has a golf tournament and picnic for the employees and their families. I used to be in charge of planning them and we would give the employees quite a bit of notice because summers are so busy.

    Here's my problem, last year as an employee I participated in the golf tournament....this year I was not allowed to. My fiance drug his feet telling me until just three days before the event. He told me that only employees were signed up and even went so far as to send me a picture of the sign up sheet, knowing that I had full knowledge that in the past five years wives, husbands and children played in the tournament. He then informed me that we "were not" attending the picnic. Now my first gut reaction to this is that my previous boss had his hand in the change of policy to prevent me from attending. But then the more I thought about my disappointment the more I started to question my fiances actions. I know that he was pretty certain that I would be disappointed, so that might explain him dragging his feet. But he signed up for the golf tournament but not the picnic. Can anyone help me to understand if I am making this a bigger deal than it is? Is this just a uncomfortable situation that my fiance is trying to get through and was it something directed towards me from my ex-boss?

  • I am wondering why you are making a big deal of going to this tournament with people you used to work with but do not anymore. Why on earth do you want to show your face somewhere that is connected to a job you were kicked out of through your own fault? It sounds like you haven't moved on in your thinking. I think your fiance is right to not want you to go - it could be very awkward for him if you and the boss were to meet up, and it is not healthy for you, either. You should not be clinging to the past but moving on to make new friends.

  • I thank you for your reply. It was very direct and was helpful in pointing out that I am supposedly clinging to the past. Unfortunate for me that I live in a town of 2500 people so the probability of meeting new friends is near impossible without them being related to or friends with some of the ex employees. Your answer regarding my fiance is interesting as he did not say he didn't want me to go, in fact the tournament was something we were both looking forward to. But I have you to thank when I now wonder if he is a coward, a liar and embarassed to be seen with me. Your comment about "showing my face", was out of line as I have nothing to be ashamed of. I did my job and very well in fact, if anyone would have been uncomfortable I would think it was the boss who dismissed me unjustly in the company of his corporate bosses and the co-worker that helped fuel his fire to move ahead in the company and now has my old position.

    I also thank you for your advice to move on and make new friends and what? a new fiance why I'm at it? If it's one thing I have learned in life when you marry someone you pledge your life to them and them to you. But from your answer I would guess our vows should have a clause that omits any family ties when it come to work events. Oh and I guess I should add that the boss does not play golf and has never attended the tournament so the likelyhood of running into him there was highly unlikely. The picnic? I would not have attended just out of respect for myself.

    I get the sense that when you decided to reply to my post something very negative was happening with you as well. Much respect, thank you.

  • Stop being such a drama queen and re-read my answer. If you always over-react like this, I can understand why you are having problems. You wanted to be told you were right in what you were assuming and didn't like to hear you were wrong. I very much doubt you were sacked for just thinking about going to another job. I suggest you have trouble seeing things as they really are.

  • You're absolutely right Captain on all counts. I was looking for validation for all my feelings, it's hard to accept and move on when you feel victimized by your own decisions. The one thing I regret is not being more involved in making friends outside of work and being an outsider in this community with no relatives has been very difficult. I have been seeking new employment and have taken the steps to fall back on my Cosmetology license to get back to work. At this point in my life I feel that I have no worth. I passed up a job that required relocation to stay here for the relationship and it scares me to think that the man I am going to marry couldn't be honest with me. In addition to this Im trying to manage an out of control teenager which seems to suck the life out of me on a daily basis. It is hard to not over-react when I feel like my life is crumble down around me and I have only myself to blame. I fight everyday to not give up on all of it. So maybe I do have trouble seeing things they way they really are.....and that must have brought me to you to tell me. Thank you, much respect.

  • If i see anything you did wrong is you should of not said anything to your boss about another job .But i have the feeling your fiancé would of told him anyway and to me he was and is covering his own aaaaa and the hell with yours . Now you can call that drama if you want to i call dealing with the truth now you can wish it away all you want and see if it works out but i think you will find real quick your fiancé will be nonexistent pretty soon if not already and he has probably gave 100 excuses by now for his actions .I will say this if i was fixing to marry a women and this happen like you said and she still wanted to go to the events without me then it would be over finished i do not care how you twist or turn it she is putting that company in front of you but it also says allot about worth your not worthy enough for standing up for when it comes to that company.And if he would be in trouble for not going or for bringing you what does that say for the company.I know how allot of small town company's work most of them employ the town and most are run by family and if you do not fit into their click you are a outsider and how dare you if you go against their every word whether its right or wrong and i think you have become collateral damage to your fiancée and to that company and town .Its better to learn now how the man you was going to marry is and is not than to find out latter down the road i think you hit the nail own the head but to be sure put it all down on paper get to the root like why was you even looking for another job what or how could you have done or handled this better.And ask yourself do you really want to be with a man who will not stand behind you when or if your right. But you have to be honest with you this is for you and once you see it for what it is in truth then you can see what you need to do from that point , ask your self this can i accept that he did not want me to go because of the problems it might cause him or was it he was afraid of what others might think of him .If he was fixing to marry you if he loved you to me he should of stayed with you ,you suppose to be his new life not the people he works with but then again only you know what has transpired . Delbert C

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