I gave too much, too soon to my cancer man, now what?
I showed him my world in a few months (weeks really), I showed him my love, my gentleness, my devotion, and I gave him gifts....I wanted him to have things he never had...I wanted to show him what he could have.....I wanted him to like me....HE STILL WOULDN"T TRUST ME, giving reasons of past relationships.
He had feelings in the beginning when I didn't show so much attention and love...he said he wasn't use to it, that I was spoiling him...I thought eventually he would do his part...he told me earl;y on he believes a relationship needs balance, I never was able to do this all my life....now I learned a BIG lesson and my head, heart and soul are being challenged with a feeling of deep sadness...
are you there CAPTAIN?????
Anyone else? I can use some help on this
I have been dating a cancer for 5 months. I live in ny, he's in pa. I visit him and family once a week or every 2 week. he wasn't making alot of money and I took us out most of the time. I suggested the places, I drove and opened his world to new experiences and I gave him -and his children- gifts becasue at the time I could afford it (as a sag would do)
a couple ttiems he said that I am always on the go, and he can't keep up with my expensive taste ( I jsut wanted to sahow him a good time, and myself too, I also told him I can be in dives and have fun, I can have a picnic and go fro walks, we don;t have to go anyhere, but since he is cooped up in a small town with no money, I figured I'd broaden his horizons and show him a whole other existence.
he had said I never slow down, which is not true, I just wanted him to enjoy good things with me. soemtimes he'd fight about it and make me feel badly, then he'd apologize and say he will jsut enjoy and not argue, he tried hard to enjoy. no one ever did for him anything remotely that I have done for him, including the love and positive support.
I felt compelled to love him because he said he loved me 3 1/2 weeks into it, and was upset when it took me longer to say it 6 weeks. (I didnt want to feel pressured) when I said it, he was all smiles, and it gave me the greenlight to be as cozy and honest and touchy feely as I felt to be, I couldn't stop tellin ghim how much I adored him.....since I started showing my affection, he has been pushing and pulling me, now he tells me he still has feelings for his ex whom he hurt and feels guilty for it, even though he said she was a mean person, and she started dating someone else a week or 2 after they broke up.
needless to say my heart is broken. he said he wants to be friends!!! and he loves me but not in lvoe with me. he also told me he is extremely jealous and gets angry and insecure, (sometimes I felt he is rejecting me to make me tell him I want him and NO please I lveo you, but I allowed him to say whay he did and I didnt argue it or press him.
I could feel him pull away in March adn again in May, and I started to find myself chasing him, which he always said he wanted me to do, but I don't feel comfortable cahsing (i have done my fair share of it in past relationships)
I wanted to see him on his b'day and I baked him a delicious rumcake which he devoured along wiht his family and I lavished him with gifts that he wanted (again I gave to him all along--he has an entire wawrdrobe becaue of me, which I am glad I could help him with, he needed something good in his life---though he never gave me anythjng till 2 weeks before his b'day he went into a flower field and picked me a beautiful bouquet which I treasure), on his b'day night, I tried to conceal my hurt from him pushing me away and not giving me the attention and love I want and deserve from him, and in response to his neglect of me I said some biting remarks, because he said the friend thing again (oh and he also in the next breath said something sexual to me and flirt, --which I have yet to tell him friends wouldn't say to those things eachother---which makes me think he really doesn't mean the friends thing, it's just part of his immature drama, emotional ineptitude, but why keep saying it?!!) also, he said even though he still thinks of his ex, they won't be together (btw they work together), and he said but he is not ready to trust someone!! he has been cheated on and hurt in the past and he is sorry....I am beginning to think he wants me to be dramatic back and beg him to change his mind and express my undying love for him and explain why we should be together... I am so confused!!
While huggin him, I pulled away from gently, he could sense my upset feelings, though I tried to conceal it since it was his birthday. when I got in my car he leaned in and kissed me on my lips (again! friends don't do this!!) he told me he'd call me 2 days later and take me out, it has been 2 weeks and I haven't heard from him. (i think he did that because he could feel me pulling away.
I am beginning to think there is someone else, but he sadi there isn't. his work and kids keep him busy.
In the beginning and throughout these 5 months he would go a week or 10 days before calling and I would call him or in the most recent weeks, I would get angry and leave him messages that I don't appreciate not being aclled or him picking up and he'd call. However, though I would usually call in the past and he could count on it, this time I have stuck to my guns and not dialed, I am angry and hurt and feel used, but I want his love.
Is it best to not bother and see if he comes to me? and if he calls then what do is say?
he also seesm to call me when he is in a bad place and I lift him up.
I am in need of help with this, any ideas Waterman or Captain? I would appreciate your sage advice.
oh yes, I am a virgo, he is a cancer (and he is 10 years younger than me) no fretting one of his baby's mothers was 15 years older than him. and I am youthful in looks and spirit and FUN!
one more thing. I don't cheat in relationships. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am loving and giving and understanding womanly toward him in every way. he tells me I am such a nice person. He can hardly believe I am real.
(I know that he is soooo not used to someone like me).
Hmm im a sage too and as you've seen i don't mind going out of my way/caring for someone. Granted here the roles are reverse than my situation when it comes to incomes (although that was never a problem since im pretty independent & resourceful in that aspect, still can find ways to create an income and he was the type of guy that wouldn't really let me pay for anything/chivalrous). But still within the first few wks of meeting someone i wouldn't try to spoil him so much materialistic (even if he didn't had a job) because u don't want to put yourself in the position of supporting him and that is the reason why he's with you. Yes he kept saying that you didn't have to do all of that but still. Maybe is the part of me that has a hard time with trust but i would wonder if he said that to be nice so u can keep going or actually meant it. idk. Also a cancer saying i love you within 31/2 wks? Overall we (sadge) tend to be more impulsive than they are when it comes to feelings. I told my guy how i was starting to care for him (well kind of came out when i would go out with friends - im bad for drunk texting) but he's a smart guy figure it out. But we never said "love" to each other. More like we went up to the caring part. And that wasn't until maybe 2 mths or so into it.
I was definitely weirded out by the LOVE thing so early...infact when he said it we were sitting at a bar, still light out, and I laughed and blurted out no you don't! and he was horrified and said yes, i do, I said you like me, but you don't love me.....
he got me good.
and actually early on, he said he didnt want me to pay fro everything becasue he likes balance, i insisted because we wouldn't be able to do anything it was winter.
regardless, you are right I amde soooo many mistakes taking on the malke role.
RORI RAYE talks about women having to sit back and let the man come to her...and watch your posturer son;t lean in, but do lean back when with them...becasue leanign in is being the boy and suggesting to do things is the boy...and it deont give them anyroom to be the boy/male, it leaves them to be the girl and they end up resenting it and not feeling for you...
it's all about the way you make them feel.....
I'll check out that Rori Raye that you mentioned. Thanks!
I dated a Cancer man for 2 1/2 years. One thing I learned was that Cancers are VERY home oriented. Try spending time with him in a home situation instead of always on the go, especially since he has mentioned that he thinks you are always on the go. I understand you wanting to show him more of the world, but Cancers are also very financally oriented. Maybe by you paying for so much you are threatening him on that level. Try meeting him halfway and spoil him by cooking for him or cleaning his home. I helped my Cancer decorate his home and he loved it. I made suggestions on rearranging the furniture and added knickknacks and plants. It made him very happy and brought us closer together. Although we are no longer a dating couple he remains a very close friend of mine. Cancers are also prone to pulling inside their shells when they are in a new situation. They are very soft, but hide that part of themselves out of protection. Your Cancer has told you that he cares for you, or "loves" you but that he isn't in love with you. I feel like that has hurt you in some way. Don't take it as a form of rejection. He has been honest with you... hold on to that for now. My Cancer told me from the beginning that he would never love anyone else after his divorce, and he never did tell me he loved me, but he showed me he did in so many ways. He would do the push/pull routine and it would only result in me getting conflicting messages and I would wind up angry and hurt. It was only after we broke up that I finally understood that those times were when he was struggling the most with what he truly wanted and what he thought he should have or could handle. If this man is the one you really want, then be patient with him. Things don't have to happen all at once. You have only been in this relationship a short time, and so you are still in the "honeymoon" phase. Enjoy the rest of the adventure of getting to know one another, and I hope this helps you with your relationship with your Cancer. Best of luck!!
Kmuse, the problem here is that what attracts this man about you - your confidence, big personality, and expansiveness - also triggers his insecurities about himself. He sees you as a successful, confident person and it makes him feel even more of a loser and a failure. When you spend money on him and his kids and take them out to different places, it makes him feel like you are rubbing his nose in the fact that he can't provide for them. It doesn't matter that you are only being generous - his insecurity about himself kicks in and he feels ashamed and belittled. That is why this relationship is so push-and-pull, on-again/off-again. He is both attracted to you and offended by you. Unless he becomes more of a success in his own mind, it will always be like this between you and there is nothing you can do to help him.
thank you for all of you responses (sagibaby, renzosluv). They are heartfelt and really touching and I can see clearly alot more than I had yestrday. It is still painful and I am woeking my way through this cloud.
CAPTAIN, it hurts, but what you say is brilliant. I will try to tone it down, because part of me is pushing him and pulling at him and chasing and buying him. (and his games add momentum to my advances). he is trying to get a better job, since knowing me and that I know is because I opened his mind and his world. I hope we can balance this.
meanwhile, we haven't spoken for 15 days. half a month.
I will try to be the female and allow him to be the male.
Thank you CAPTAIN. I will have to call on your services again....
Ya im going on almost month and a half already of no contact Just wish we could at least be friends but doesn't seem like it and hurts a lot. We're both going to be at the same concert on Tuesday. Sucks! We'll bee with our own groups in the same place. But the arena is big enough that i doubt we'll run into each other. Bleh! Just wish this feeling could go away already.
Kmuse, the fault lies with your friend, not you. Why should you tone yoursefl down or alter your personality just to make him feel better? It's not being a woman to repress your feelings or real nature. I doubt that anything you can do can help this man, anyway. I think you may be allowing your pity for others to keep you in unproductive relationships.
WOW! i just read this, you got in me in the gut,
But what do I do???? how do I change my MO or choices????
Is this action of mine the reason why my career has been stagnant, becauseI have put more energy in this relationships with men that need fixing for years?
so, be myself, and let them follow suit if they can keep up, or let them be if they can't keep up or don't want to keep up.
but I do have to stop that gift giving...I have been flawed myself, I didn't mean to try to buy his love, I wanted to show him what he desrves, as I deserve as well, and you too and everyone. I made many mistaeks with him...based on fear of rejection and fear of not receiving love....or maybe I am afraid to receive love and I know it would push him away and I just full-forced teh OVERDOING onto him to mess it up.
I have alot to think about here, I still want to see him and work on myself while with him...see if I can fine-tune my woman with him. adn let me be me and him be him.
You are brilliant. I could feel you were a powerful force the first time I read advice you wrote in a thread. I hd no idea you were so sought after, I just went on instinct.
A BIG THANK YOU!
Kmuse, just realising what you need to change about yourself is the first and most important step in bringing about the future you want for yourself. Once you realise what your destructive habits are, you can consciously work to stop doing them next time. Decide what your priority is - your career or your love life - and put all your energy into one thing at a time. Scattering your energy on many things means you get none of them.
And you have as much power as I do - you just have to believe in yourself.
THANK YOU CAPTAIN,
it just gets lonely when I concentrate all on career, and I start thinking of all that I am missing, esp someone inparticular.
Kmuse... im trying to force myself to move on too. Try keeping yourself busy so you don't think about him and even if your mind wants to get sidetrack, try to focus on what you need to do for yourself. Although a part of me still feels weird, im on my way out tonight with friends. Trying to mingle with new people and distract my mind! Good luck.
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it.
I have been doing my best to dsitract myself, helping with my family trying to of myself. And it has been very difficult and painful! I am crying a lot.
There is something that I have read that makes me feel a little better and that is that Cancer's never let go or forget. But with me, unlike the others before, he easily threw me away. And this hurts.
I now feel as though he treated me as a joke all along. I feel duped, and this really hurts.
though he said I was his best friend. He just got rid of me without a call.
Even if he is angry, it is no reason for him to do this. I am hoping to hear from him, because I need answers and I want to argue with him about how badly he has treated me. YES, ARGUE!
But I will NOT call him. I am testing myself and my own power, to see if he really doesn't care. I am calling his bluff and if he doesn't call then I guess I am not all that I thought I was to him or at least the potential to him.
This is all I can muster through tears. His son turns 13 tomorrow, we love eachother, but I cannot bring myself to calling for him or dropping a card. I dont want to intrude and I dont want contact with Him! unless, until, he contacts me first. I amholding out and I will let you know.
stay happy and healthy and true to ourselves.
I dont think we are in the honeymoon stage. known him for 5 months. told em he loved me very early on. and when I told him and he felt how much I liked him, I felt him pulling away.
last saw him on his b'day showered him with gifts (big mistake giving him gifts on his bday and thoughout our 'relationship'). he ahs not called though he said he would in 2 days to go out. it has been 3 weeks. no word and I have not and will not call him as I haev done in the past. he needs to work for me, then I will know that he likes me.
I chased and he wanted me to, always asking me to call him and visit him and stop here and there fro huim, visit his work, and he'd say I can stalk him if I like. I did my best not to fiollow him, and i think he was upset when I didnt then when I did chase he got upset when I did. any insight???