Toxic situation with teenage daughter insight truly appreciated
I am currently in a battle of wills with my teenage daughter (DOB 1/6/96) to prove who is the alpha. She has grown steadily more diffiant over the last several years. She now refuses to come home from her friends house stating that she doesn't even like being here because its boring, she has to do chores and I have too many rules(time restrictions on her cell phone and internet). I do not believe that I am being unresonable in my expectations (My DOB 11/19/64), but have found that I have tolerated her chaos for too many years. Any help will be greatly appreciated because at this time I am on the verge of opening a volutary case with the department of family services and reporting her as a runaway to be picked up and transported to the behavioral institute. My heart is so very sad to find myself in this position but I feel this inner voice telling me to try and save her from herself, as she is running wild.
Thank you so very, very much for your help.
hello dear calm down. she will grow up to be a lovely woman. i NEED FOR YOU TO TAKE THIS WITH A BIT OF A GRAIN OF SALT. YELLING DOES NOT HELP. iT IS YOU WHO HAS TO DISENGAGE. i AM NOT SPEAKING TO YOU AS A PSYCHIC, ( THIS IS MY SPECIALTY, DAY JOB LOL ) yOU WILL NOT FIGHT OR LOCK HORNS WITH A CHILD. treat her as if she were you when you were 15. She must follow your rules, the trick with teenagers is make the punishment fit the crime. For instance, if your daughter has clothes all over the floor, pick them all up and put them is a place she cannot find them. Tell her if she does not respect the things you give her, then they will be given away to someone who would really appreciate them. If she doesnt do her school work, then she receives no money from you. School is her job. If she does no chores around the house, then no chores are done for her. But do it all without emotion. Dont let her get to you. Dont be rude to her. Dont yell. Be gentle and firm. I have raised 3 daughters of my own, and we all lived to tell the tale. You will too.
Twinsoul, thank you for your words of wisdom....I quit yelling about three weeks back and I quit fighting with her too....no more handouts, problem is she went to her friends house and forgot where she lived. If she did stop by it was for only a few minutes....she acted like she didn't have to ask me if she could spend the night there or go anywhere for that matter....she acted like she is the only person she has to answer to, I did think about physically stopping her from leaving but fear a physical altercation, ending in my being arrested. So I thought that if I let her go, you know release my tight grip that she would come around and want to come home on her own accord....it was a miserable three weeks for me....being worried....but she finally got tired of the drama and not sleeping in her own bed....so now I feel like I cannot forget her actions or her attitude and am wondering if she would truly benefit from a stay at the behavioral institute or if I put it off if it is going to just get me 4 or more years more of her disrespect and "I can do what I want to do when I want to do it" attitude and if it will eventually tear apart this family.
I must say that she is active in risky behavior, drinking the alcohol in the house until puking drunk, has been running amuck after curfew with boys, draggin main in vehicles driven by people I dont know, getting dirty picture sent to her phone by boys, smoking pot or cigarettes and I even found a video on her phone taken in my kitchen (when I was out of town and she was supposed to be in the care of a trusted adult) of some her friends doing drugs right off of my counter....they even stole her friends Mom's car and took it for a joyride....now what? When I was 14 years old I was not doing anything like this and I grew up in a big city not rural america where we live now.....she constantly demands material things and is spiteful when she doesn't get the things she demands, her way or if I make any special plans, which isn't very often because I cannot trust her. I feel terrible when I say I've had enough...if the behavior keeps going at this rate I will have to remove her from my home to keep what little sanity I have left. I feel like a prisoner in my own home....when I leave I must lock my bedroom door so that she can't steal things from me, but she is brazen enough to do it while I am at home....I take my purse to bed with me a night and have to lock the freezer for finding it time and time again left cracked open and fearing that a side of beef will defrost and go to waste.......this is like living a summer in hell.....
I am not psychic but that just sounds like a case of teenage hormones. I have 4 girls all little and I am dreading the teenage years, I really hope they have good friends that excert a good influence on them and that they don't hang out with the wrong crowd. I thiink that teenagers need boundaries and need to be shown them because they get in so deep that they don't know how to help themselves out. I have no advice, maybe you need to ground her for a week or send her to a relation for a week in the holidays or shake her up a bit and then offer her your support and love.
Good luck, I am sure she will be fine.
so i did a tarot reading for you and your daugther. first card that showed up was the king of rods in reverse. this can either indicate that shes lacking a father figure(im only guessing that you are raising her on your own) or it represents the people that are leading her astray. second card the queen of rods. i guess we can say your daugther is a little queen of rods. she knowse what shes doing and everything seems to come naturally to her but she can have a dark side...the paige of rods in reversed possibly indicates that she is just simple minded(no offense) and easily led. i get that your daugther really does have deeper issues and this is just her acting out. shes not exactly lucid as of now. i think your best bet is for you and your daugther to both get professional help. this is something serious. she is obviously being led down the wrong path by her "friends" and it would be so sad if something very bad happened to her. she is a bright young woman with alot of potential but its all being wasted and its a real shame. hope this helps.
Totally understand your situation - although my daughter is nearly 12 she is just starting to do all that 'I hate you' and 'my friends mum lets her do that' etc etc and I hope in 3 years time she isn't going down the road your daughter is.......but I don't think she will because I was the trouble teenager.
I didn't steel from my parents and I didn't run away or abuse their house but by the time I was 16/17 I couldn't stand being at home - I felt the rules were too strict (which they weren't) and my mum worried way too much about me (how late I came home, where had I been etc), in the end I got a job - moved out of home and ended up with a really bad boyfriend that lasted 3 years (luckily I did not get pregnant). It broke my mums heart at the time (I still feel bad about it). I was allowed home for Sunday dinner but my dad told my mum not to let me have anything (like food parcels etc) and that was the best thing my dad could have done - it was to show me if I wanted to grow up so fast then I had to do it by myself - they told me they loved me - said I could come home any time (under their rules as before) but that was it.
The best advice is from twinsoul but if all that fails - you have done your best - if your daughter wants to grow up so fast and abuse all that you have done for her then give her your love (explain protection - contraception again) and no more until she gets the point. I know how you feel - its hurtful when your child does horrid things to their parent.
By the way: Me and my mum are very very close now after those first 3 years of living on my own I learnt alot - yes I grew up fast but I have a good life now, husband and happy children (my mum finds it funny what I am going through with my daughter but I can see that its all normal). Your daughter is out of control but it is by her hand not yours - I was very aware of who I was at 15 years old. She needs to take responsibility for her actions. I see you are a Sag - great parents all the ones I know but sometimes bossy and I see your daughter is a capricorn - very clever all the ones I know but sometimes lazy. I hope I've helped a little with a different viewpoint here - don't give up but don't blame yourself either.
Sorry just realised you are scorpio not sag but the scorps I know are good parents too - sometimes a little angry when negative is only problem - sorry about mix up. x
my dear drugs are a totally different issue. send her away to school. there are excellent schools , who help children with these types of problems. blessings ts
I truly appreciate everyones input! I have tried as a single Mom not to be too overbearing but I have been overindulgent. Her father has not been a good role model but has shown them what not to do (incarcerated for meth, why I took the children and left him). We have those blantant talks....I sometimes feel my way of parenting is too raw, as I tell them exactley "how" life is. It isn't easy and sometimes bad things happen to good people and sometimes you have to give up everything and try your best at starting over. My daughters are very intelligent and they are both headstrong (lil sister DOB 11/1/97) but I truly feel that they will be survivors because of this.
I have found a wonderful man who loves me and the girls....we are to get married in September (25) but he has expressed his concern over the trouble I am having with my oldest daughter. He is a father, a really good father (7/30/64) and has shared custody of his son (DOB 1/8/97) who has high fuctioning autism. His adult daughter never gave him these types of challenges. We both agree that my daughter is out of control, but it is difficult for him to understand a child parent relationship that lacks respect and has so many problems. I am at a loss for how to gain that back and although she came home last night and it was the best sleep I've had in weeks....I still feel that I need to shake her up drastatically to make her understand "how" the chain of command is going to work in our household. I do not want my relationship to be the victim of a out of control teenager, who will finish school and walk away to finally get to start her life and leave behind nothing but ruins. It is so hard to apply any energy to anything but what she's doing.
(Kageroninja, thank you so much for the spread, very insightful....wow no father figure and easily led....yep you've got a gift! We tried counseling but she basically refused to go, at the behavioral institute she will receive in house counseling daily and maybe that is the best thing to help save her from herself.)
awwww thank you. i just hope everything works out for you and your family. i promise to keep both you and your daugther in my thoughts and prayers.