Captain, if you have the time...



  • Captain,

    I would like to know you impressions about my relationship with my fiancé DOB October 17, 1970. My DoB is June 1, 1971. Our relationship has been very difficult for many years. We have 3 young children together. Starting last September, he began staying out all night and spending a good deal of money. For some reason, I sometimes think there is another woman but I have no proof. Our relationship has been rocky but in the past there have been months where everything would flow smoothly. He is very critical of me and our children. He seems to think that he does no wrong. I am getting so I can hardly bare to be around him. Anyway, this last month we were evicted from our house. He will spend money rather than make sure that he pays bills and his work habits are sporadic. Me and my daughters are now staying with my mother. He says that he is staying with male friends but he does not answer his phone and he has not been going to work regularly . All we have done since being separated is argue. I have told him that I want to end this relationship and he has threatened to take off with our children (even though he has no place to go with them). I am very emotionally numb. I grew up without my father around and I very much want my children to have their father but I see them suffering from being around all the turmoil in our life. I want peace in my live but I am scared of what he may do.

    Many thanks and blessings to you,

    Luvslife



  • Your love affair will feature power struggles with you fruitlessly trying to control your partner. The challenge here is to balance opposing energies. Tempo is a problem for you two: you can both be forceful but your speed is disturbing to your more graceful and easy partner who prefers a more measured approach. He perhaps thinks you are more interested in getting what you want rather than in how you get it and he may feel a little rushed. In turn he may annoy you through his dependence on how others see him which you may find rather phony. He may content himself with forming an identity based on the rather ill-informed impressions of those around him, rather than turning inward to find his real self. A lack of trust or fear of revealing his true self can keep him from entering into a more intimate and committed involvement with you. But he doesn't have many important people in his life so it is unlikely he would cheat once he has become dependent on your relationship. It is more likely the lure of a glamorous, exciting lifestyle that would take him away.

    The relationship must embrace compromise, tolerance and understanding if it is to have any chance of achieving balance. On the positive side, its innate persistence and ability to take on challenges can help you two to find the middle way. Your partner needs a strong person to depend on and his need will not be met by you here. Thus, things can take a downward spiral. Marriage, though not enormously recommended, can however work better than a love affair because of its fixed and self-evident responsiblities. Daily routine can ground you Luvslife, and physically maintaining a home may challenge your technical skills. Your partner will appreciate your abilities and, by contributing his share to this job, he may achieve a measure of balance. You however may see yourself as having given up your most prized possession - freedom - and may feel cheated if career concerns keep your partner away a lot.

    A friendship is easier here than a love affair because, in a friendship, you two can choose to be together because you want to, not out of any obligation. If your partner feels obliged to stay with you, it can make him feel very restless and trapped. If you put demands on him, he will want to flee. A lack of mutual respect and an inability to please each other can develop as a result.

    Your partner wants life to be a bit of a drama and he has a huge capacity for self-deception. He can feel he is missing out on some nebulous opportunities and may not fully engage in real life, preferring to dwell in a beautiful fantasy of what his life could or should be. You must encourage him to be less enigmatic and cloaked and more open, sharing and direct about his true self. But you will lose him if you put too much pressure on him - he needs a partner who is easy-going and self-sufficient.



  • Captain,

    I think we are already to the point of a lack of mutual respect and inability to please each other. I am so angry with him for behaving so immaturely. He does not want to work. Almost like he wants everyone to take care of him. You are right. I think he lives in some kind of fantasy about where he could have been. He was a terrific athlete in high school and also in college. He lost his college scholarship. His father told me that he was doing drugs. So now I think he is filled with regret as to what could have been. He doesn’t try to work for the future. I get angry also because he puts on a show for everyone. He wants his friends to think he has his life together when in reality it is falling apart. I love being a mother but he puts a lot of demands on me and doesn’t allow for me to have time for myself. I haven’t been out with friends in four years. We share a vehicle and he will take off in the car even if I have plans. He has no respect for my time. He will not come home in time for me to work and he will leave me at work without picking me up. He will not help out with household chores as he feels it is a woman’s duty but he doesn’t do his duty by providing for his family. I work a full time job and go home to take over with the children while he skips the night fantastic with his “buddies” coming in drunk most of the time. He then complains that the house is a mess but I will stay up until 1 am and then get up at 5 AM to clean before going to work. He will spend every penny on himself if he can and he doesn’t care if the children have their needs met or me (just forget about it). He is a very angry person and he has high ideals for me and his children but he doesn’t try to meet ideals as a good partner or father. He is very vindictive. I don’t know if I have any love left for him. He has used me up. Do you think he would take the children just to hurt me? My concern now is my children and if he would do something to harm me or my family. I should mention that I feel like he suffers from a mental illness possibly bipolar disorder. His moods are very unpredictable.

    Luvslife



  • His idea of taking the children is just another fantasy. I doubt whether he has the wits left to do anything decisive. His brains have been addled by drugs. Kick this loser to the curb and move on with your life.



  • Captain,

    In my heart I know what you say is true. I don’t have a lot of proof of the drugs part but I know he likes to drink. I am having such a difficult time right now. I am living with my mother and he has left with my car (last seen on Sunday). He calls once a day to check on the kids and then his phone is off or not answered. Where do I find the strength to be a strong person right now? I pray every day for resolution and guidance in the right direction.

    Luvslife



  • You find your strength in wanting to protect your children from this man who will only end up dragging down himself, you and them unless you step in.


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