Someone plz help! Completely torn between 2 scorpio men
I am new to this...seeking some advice. I am completely overwhelmed and so consumed with my thoughts about what I am supposed to do in regard to my love life I feel like I am going to go crazy! Here is the deal, I have been in a live in relationship with a scorpio male for almost 4 years. There is a big age difference 20+ years, with him being older. I was not looking for love when I met him, but I swear I sensed his coming into my life before I ever laid eyes on him. The second he arrived before he even got out of his vehicle, it was like I was in a trance or something. I turned and walked straight to him and was hooked immediately. Totally out of my character. I had been single for almost 3 years by choice and thought I wanted to stay that way. The instant attraction was so powerful, it was like I was being pulled to him no matter what. When we were introduced and shook hands I genuinely felt the most electric most powerful feeling of "I've got to be with this person forever he is the one this is the one I thought didnt exist my destiny" kind of feeling. It was like I had been in a coma, frozen, just going thru the motions of life and the second he entered my world I was jolted back to life. (My father passed unexpectedly just weeks before and I was having a terrible time dealing with that) I was so excited but more shocked than anything else. I couldn't deny what I was feeling, it was totally out of my control, but I was so thrown by it at the same time because I had become so jaded and negative about love. I was the cynical don't care woman and in an intsant I morphed into someone desperate to get as close as possible to this person I didnt even know! I had never met him before, I had heard of him, but he was a total stranger and yet I felt an overwhelming connection to him, like his crossing my path was way more than just a coincidence. I felt as if meeting him was exactly what I was meant to do. So, I had a friend fix us up, we went out, and I was so in awe of him I couldn't even carry on a conversation with him. It was like I was 16 all over again, totally giddy, totally crazy over someone for no reason other than I just had to be. I was so nervous and afraid he wouldn't like me that my aloofness caused him to actually think I wasn't in to him I later found out. Which couldn't have been further from the truth. I felt like every fiber of my being was buzzing with unexplainable attraction. We went out again, alone, and had a great night. The physical attraction on both sides, was undenyable and we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I normally don't like people very much, I am a very introverted, closed off, and skeptic person, so I felt totally out of my element but was loving every minute of it. I was a total gonner after that second date. He was the sexiest man alive in my book, but it wasn't just a physical thing, it was as if there was something about him, just him in his entirety, that I was immediately addicted to. We spent every weekend together and it was so natural and comfortable for me, it was like he was home to me. Before, I had convinced myself that love was just an illusion, a trick of the senses if you will, and if a friend would have talked like I am talking or jumped in like I did I would have thought she needed committing. But for some reason, all my former notions faded instantly and I explained it to people as the real deal, love at first sight for sure. I was in agony any time I was away from him...I was totally consumed by him. If I wasn't with him I was thinking about him non stop. There were warning signs all aloing, but I was blinded by my desire for him I ignored them all or was more determined to keep him because of them. LIke I said, he is older than me. I was told he was not the kind I should get so attached to because he was very set in his ways..confirmed and proudly stubborn bachelor for 20+ years. 1 marriage when he was in his early 20's that didn't last 2 years, and since then he had many girlfriends several live in, but they lasted on average 2-3 years. He was the ungettable get so to speak, but I ignored the idea that maybe that was part of the attraction. I truly made myself believe that he was my twin soul, what else could explain my crazy fierce need to be with him? I moved in and within a month he became a different person. Withdrawn, elusive, moody, detached, short, and frantic to get rid of me. But, because he is so emotionally detached, he wouldn't actually talk to me, but the negative energy could be cut with a knife and I was walking on egg shells, instead of backing off and giving him space I bent over backwards even further to try to be pleasing and became more obsessed with making it work. He picked a fight and left instead of talking to me. He called and told me over the phone that he thought I needed to move out. Just bam, no feeling, no explanation, he just didn't want me. Crushed, devastated, crazed, and completely confused is how he left me and didn't even blink an eye, that was the first time I got a taste of how cold, heartless, and emotionally unavailable he could be. Even still though, I would not, no could not, see reality. I thought I was going to lose my mind if I didn't get him back. I didn't call or try to see him though and attempted to distract myself by dating someone else. A month later we run into each other at a club. He sees me with this other guy, and I felt on top of the world. I could tell by looking at him that he was shocked and bothered by my "friend". By the end of the night he was whispering sweet nothing in my ear and trying to get me to go home with him..again bam out of the blue, total shift. I didn't. I left with the other guy, but only to show him I could. It was all an act. All I wanted was to run to him and wrap my arms around him so tight that he would never get away from me again. I knew better, I knew it was nuts, the way I felt, and how desperate I was to be with him, but at the same time I had no control. It was like something had totally taken over my heart and soul and I was powerless. There was no other thought, no other need, just him. We ended up at the same new years eve party a couple nights later and it was back on in full force again. I went back home with him, and it was all peachy again, as if our month apart and his treatment of me nver happened. That was almost four years ago. I've hung on with all my might though because the last four years have def. not been easy ones. Slowly but surely some of the rose color has faded from my glasses and I have for some time seen him for exactly what he is, I no longer see the fantasy, the man I want to believe him to be, I see the real him, but even still I am just as addicted to him as ever. I am still petrified of living without him even though I know it would the best thing that could ever happen to me. For the past 2 years for sure, he spends much more time treating me like his worst enemy than his friend and lover. he is extremely over critical of everthing I do, nothing is good enough, nothing is worthy of his admiration, and the only time he starts to even show me the tiniest thread of affection is when he wants to be intimate. He is totally self centered, painfully emotionally void and frozen on the inside, incapable of showing emotion or talking about anything remotely related to our relationship, love, life, etc. He is like a robot, he is totally shut down, and gives nothing while I am still giving 110% exhausting myself in an attempt to make him happy and keep us together. I am not happy, I know this, I am beginning to really hate him because it is like he is doing everything in his power to self destruct our life, but in a passive aggressive way because he doesn't have the emotional capacity to actually end things. He blows up over the tiniest unimportant things, he is very verbally and emotionally abusive, and up until about 4 months ago, the worse he got the more I drove myself into the ground trying to please him. He is truly mean and hateful and seems to have no remorse, as if he has no concience at all. He can say the most terrible things to me, make me cry, have me begging and pleading with him to just stop and realize what he is doing, and have the nerve to try and make it like I am the one causing the problems. I forgot to take the clothes out of the dryer, or I left a shoe in the floor and he goes nuts tearing me down and it tears me apart because it is obvious he is desperate to find something to be bitter about. Then, just as fierce as his mood shifted downward, it shifts back up. He becomes a more carefree, talkative, friendly person again. He seems perfectly happy and content with me, loving, and again, like nothing bad has ever happened and we are the best of friends the closest of confidants. We finish each others sentences and no what each other are going to say before we even say it. The closeness I feel to him during these phases makes me hold on to him even more during the bad times because I still can't shake that feeling of total attachment. The idea of leaving him instantly brings me to tears because I can't imagine him becoming just someone I used to know. I have invested so much and I don't want to give up after I've given so much. I don't want to face the pain of moving on because I am so afraid that I will never get over him and it would just be too much to handle. For some reason, no matter how bad it is, I still feel so connected to him, like life didn't even exist before him. I can be so hurt, so mad, so frazzled by him, and all I have to do is just look at him and let my mind think about him and it all goes away. He can just look at me, and nothing he's done or said matters. This is also not at all like me, anyone else wrongs me, and I detest them and it doesn't bother me at all to tell them about it. With him, I can't talk about my feelings because he won't allow it. Everything is great if I pretend he is perfect and kiss up to him and never question or ask for more, the second I get my fill and forget that I can't be human and show emotion and lash out at him in defense of myself, he turns on me as if I am no more important that a stranger on the street. Also, I have never been married, and from the beginning that has been a contant battle. He is totally against it, he can't say why, but he gets irate about it nonetheless. He is the biggest committment phobe I've ever known, official committment anyway. He is convinced that all women are gold diggers and that marriage makes him vulnerable and unprotected. Kids are out of the question also. He has a grown child, and refuses to even entertain the idea of having more. (Not that it bothers me because at this point, I would never have one with him either, but in the past it did hurt ) I can say or do something as simple as ask him what the plans are for the weekend and he will erupt with this habitual broken record crap of " Whats it to ya, I don't know I'll do whatever I want" but I am supposed to be always available to his ever beck and call. I do everything for him..the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the shopping, I take care of his every need and he gets bent out of shape if I ask him to do anything at all for me. This is a totally one sided relationship, he is incapable of really loving me, or anyone else because for some reason he hates himself, the world, and everything in it, but to him its never him always someone else, most usually me. I am his whipping post, his maid, his w@*re, and his friend but only when he wants to be friendly, any other time, I'm nothing to him, but he never pushes it to the point of an actual split. I know i should leave, I should have left a long time ago, but for the life of me I can't do it. I don't understand it. My life is a wreck and he is the reason, but I would rather live this way than be without him and that is crazy! I know I hav went on and on but I have kept this all bottled up for so long because to talk about it means it is real and I just can't keep up the charade anymore. Now, on to the other situation. When I was a young teen, I had my first taste of love. At the time, like any other girl, I thought he was the only guy in the world. First love and all that jazz. He too is a scorpio, but much different than the one I am with now. We dated on and off until I was 17. He was my first taste of love and also my first taste of heartbreak. He was 21 and wanted to run wild and free with everyone...not just me. I went through a lot over him. I learned a lot because of him, and even though he did me dirty and eventually rejected me for someone else, I still always felt so haunted by him..the attraction was beyond words. We still saw each other semi frequently, and even after he was married, the attraction was undenyable and noticed by us both, but I never let it go any further even though I really wanted to. Before I met my current bf, I thought this man, was the one, but had accepted the idea that for one reason or the other it just wasn't meant to be this go round. I met my current one, and for the first time in my life, I almost completely forgot about him. Still yet, even with all my crazy desperate need for my bf, the overwhelming love I have felt for him, there has been times where a certain song plays or I think about him for some reason, I still wish it would have been different. I guess you could say he is the one that got under my skin at a very early age and I've never quite shaken him. Even before things went totally downhill with my current bf, this one was always in the back of my mind to some extent, I just got very good at blocking it out and telling myself it would fade and that it was just a product of that "first love fantasy phenomenon" that everyone has. But, six months or so ago, I ran across him via a social network. just the signt of his picture gave me butterflies in my stomach. It just all flooded me. Long story short, we have talked several times, and he is no longer married and wants to give it another try. He has offered me everything my current bf won't and never will. He is totally open, emotionally available, and we click like no other, always have. I can't help but feel like it is more than coincidental that he comes back into my life right at the same time my current relationship is crumbling to pieces. I am afraid that maybe I have been wrong about my current bf all along and that this guy could be the one I am meant to build a life with, but I can't face the idea of breaking away from my current one even with the possibility of everything I've ever wanted right in front of me. I am in the most unhealthy, toxic, and negative relationship, I've let it suck the life out of me, and now I am letting it hold me back from really living, living a life worth living. I am holding on to nothing and going to lose everything because of it. Why? My current bf and I will never work, I know this, but I can't let go of him...the fear of not being in his life, not having him in mine, letting go of this life I've tried so hard to build, twenty years going by and still not being able to forget about what we should have been, is just too powerful. I get so close, almost there, I'm torturing myself going back in forth in my head. I work myself all up to throwing in th towel and running to what could be waiting for me with the first love guy, and then a massive knot grows in my stomach and the aching fear sets in and wins everytime. So, I stay, dig in my heels, and resolve to keep trying because I don't have the courage to walk away. The fear of the unkown the fear of losing my identity, my life really because my life revolves around him, the fear of going to this other person and missing my current bf so bad that I can't stand it and I end up more miserable than I am now. But why, if I am not supposed to pursue this other path, why did we find each other, and why would I even be thinking about leaving if I'm not supposed to. How do I get over this addiction to this dysfunction, this person, this idea I've had in my head about what is supposed to be, and get out so that I can get what I really deserve. And, what if this other guy has come back into the picture just to test me, just to tempt me, and it be a trick? What if it is just me, and there is something else I could do to salvage my current love and I just throw it away becaus the grass seems greener right now? I really need help, I know I probably sound like a nervous breakdown waiting to happen and I am, my life is out of control and I don't know what to do. I am sick over this, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't focus on anything and I can't take it anymore. I've got to get some peace, but I am just so confused I don't know what to do or how to help myself. I have made so many bad choices, I don't trust myself to make the right one now. Either way I go, something ends, my life now, or the life I've secretly envisioned since I was 14. Is it possible that my current bf is my soul mate, here to teach me some painful life lessons, and now that I've learned them it's time to go our separate ways, and if so, why am I fighting so hard to hang on? is it possible that the other guy is meant to be my life partner or maybe even my twin soul? If there is anyone that can give me some advice I would greatly appreciate it because I can't keep going on this way. And also, is there anything to the fact that they both happen to be scorpios?
i am blown away by this. i really am. i had to take quite a few deep breaths as i read this.
this sounds sooo much like what i have been through for the past six years with a scorp. you have described so much detail of feelings that i have felt too.. so much pain, so much confusion. i have thought i was losing my mind. thought of taking my own life. i identify so much with what you are going through. you having been losing yourself in this man. you MUST find you again. i am hesitant to give you too much advice right now because i am also in a similar situation except i have split from mine two months ago -we have been on and off for many years- and i also dont have another one in sight. what i am feeling is that you need to do YOU for a while.i dont know if going back to the first scorp is a good idea. i could be wrong though. how much do you want a child? how old are you if you dont mind me asking?
honey, i understand your pain. i have also struggled to eat( although getting better now) and to sleep and i lost so much weight few years ago cos i thought he had been cheating. i had numerous illnesses. i was a wreck.yes also trying so hard to please him too, felt like i was never good enough. the cold like ice cutting through my heart like daggers. i had never actually felt pure physical pain so intensely in my heart before this man. and also so much happiness and love. like complete opposite ends of the spectrum. i cant move on or let go. it is like he is embedded in my soul.i love him. i know the fights and ..sh.it..
sorry i am having a bit of a meltdown in my brain.. i have never been so consumed by anyone either. but that is because he would flip on me and i wouldnt know where i stood with him. his moods changing so rapidly.. f.uck i hear you so much. you must take care of yourself. you cannot make him happy.focus on you.he is battling some demons of his own. i am starting to feel more and more after reading countless stories like this is that scorpio men have to learn to be nonjudgemental. until they can accept someone else's differences to their own and accept themselves and their partner 100 % will they ever be able to love. scorpio theme is also about death and regeneration... how much of it is to do with you i dont know.
the grass is often greener. i wrote a song about that recently.
i want you to make a promise. i want you to promise that you will eat something today. and get some rest. calm your mind. deep breathing and letting go. just let go for now. you are going to be ok. but you need to get well. surrender the crazy spiralling thoughts for now. you can trust yourself to take care of yourself. at the end of the day you are all you've got. put you first for a change. i cant tell you if he is the man you should be with or not. but you need to SLOW down. stop trying to fix him. and please him. be you. ( i am telling myself this now by the way too). it is hard not to be affected by other peoples moods but it is something you can learn. build some safe barriers for yourself .scorpios are highly sensitive and pick up on so many minute things. they are constantly delving sifting sorting percepting investigating probing.
mine truly struggles to communicate verbally. he can be so cruel, sarcastic and incredibly nasty till i am in tears too. and yes picks fight and then leaves. blames me for everything. very clever at twisting things around.mine is now living in a tent with his dogs in a forest. he needs so much alone time. i wanted everything with him. i wanted to grow old with him. it was like he was wanting me to fight him to stay with him. to show him how n]much i wanted him. he would often test to see what lengths i would go to .i once was screaming at him " stop just stop!!!" its like i just didnt want to fight to prove my love anymore.. you win. im gone. and so angry cos it wasnt what i wanted. and now i miss the passion and yes there ARE lessons.
i am going to go out on a limb here and venture to say that you are attracted to the initial feeling you had with your current scorp and are projecting it onto your first scorp. you miss that feeling when you felt like you could trust yourself and feel loved. i dont want to sound corny or shallow but you need to focus on you again.. with hobbies, friends that care about you, build up your self esteem again. you can do it. bit by bit you can regain the love in yourself again. you have invested alot in him but he may not have as much in you. scorpios are also loners in many respects. they have alot to learn. some of them learn some dont. some learn for a while then fall back. it will never be an easy road with them. but that is the growth they seek..
it is up to us whether we want to go there with them or not.
hugs to you
Thank you so much. I hate that u were able to relate because I wouldn't wish this kind of pain and torture on my worst enemy, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone, and that this mess is bigger than me and somewhat universal when it comes to men like these. I have been aware for quite sometime how sick and twisted my wanting and needing him is, how unfair and what a disappointing dead end it is and always will be.
That said, like I said last night, and just like you, even knowing this, and knowing I need to break free, it seems utterly impossible. All th anger, the resentment, the tears, the frustration and worry is tearing me apart, I despise him so much for putting me through this kind of turmoil, but like you said it really is like he is embedded in my soul, and to lose him would be like going through a death. The biggest part of my life, the part my every waking moments are consumed by would be dead and I am terrified of that. Even though it is the exact part that is killing the rest of me. It is like I am a glutton for pain and punishment. I know what you mean about taking your own life, I have never gone as far as attempted anything, nor do I think I would, but I have thought so many times I would rather die than ever live without him. I have thought so much that I would rather be dead and gone than ever have to deal with facing a future without him in it and I really believed that for a long time. Now, the sick feeling, the knot, the nausea, and complete mental fatigue is still there gnawing at me all the time just like before, I still can't even let myself go there in terms of envisioning my life minus him, it doesn't even seem like a possibility because I am so addicted to him, but most recently, I have been trying to tell myself that it cannot possibly be as bad as my entire mind and soul seems to fear it would be.
As bad as I feel right now, I tell myself if I left I would get better, it would ease, but it is just so terrifying to even think about leaving I never get past the thought process to any kind of action. As an aquarius, I seem to really hate change of any kind, and tend to run from it at all costs. Not only will I be losing him, I will be losing my entire life that I have built here. This is his home, his town, his everything. I have put down roots here as well, I have a job that I would not be able to leave, so I would be constantly bombarded with thoughts of him because I will be here in the same place we lived as a couple. Every day everything I see everyone I see will make me think of him and I am too chicken to face that. It would be so hard.
This home, although it is his possession wise, it is my home. I have made it my home. I became obsessed with that as well, it was like I convinced my self that if I put everything into making this the best most inviting most comfortable and serene home for us that it would somehow make our love more real, stronger, I was trying to build a safe haven amidst a storm, I know they are just bricks and walls, but I have hid here for four years, wrapped up in him, that this home is almost an extension of him and all my investment into him and I can't imagine laying my head down at night anywhere else. Even though for the past week he is sleeping in the guest bedroom on the other end of the house, I feel alone here even when he is here, it is not what a home should be, but it is all I've known. I just want to sit here in this chair behind these doors forever even though it is basically my own private hell. I am destroying myself right along with him. I am a total ball of nerves and my anxiety is through the roof.
I am 27 and I feel like I've lived through more crap than most women in their entire lives. I have no me to go back to. I abandoned myself, my wants, my needs, my hopes, my dreams so long ago that I am just numb and empty to anything unless its for or about him. I am college educated, I used to want to do something of value with myself, I used to think I would never let a man be the be all and end all of me, and now as every second on the clock ticks by I feel like I can actually feel my life, my youth (whats left of it), my time here one earth slipping away, valuable time I will never get back, I have thrown it away on someone who never gives me anything in return. Even when he is not showing his teeth and is semi normal, it's never good not really. He is always so far away, so locked down, he has no ability whatsover to show emotion. I have never seen anyone so uncomfortable with normal human interaction.
You hug him, he stiffens up and barely hugs back, you tell him you love him and he WILL NOT say it back, in four years he has only told me he loves me one time, I mean him telling me first without me initiating it. Once. I want to say it so much, but I learned very early to restrain myself and I hardly say it at all because his reaction, or nonreaction I guess is like taking a bullet. His whole demeanor changes, his whole body seems to just freeze and he will not make eye contact he either says nothing at all or says uh-huh. So uncomfortable and heartbreaking to love someone like I love him and not only very rarely have it reciprocated in actions but almost never in words either. This is not something that started recently. He has been emotionally void and unable to handle intimacy and closeness since the very start, and from what i have been told he has been like this with all his past gf's.
He is like that with his child also. In four years I have never seen him embrace her, pat her on the back, and he has definitely never verbally told her he loves her. He just truly seems incapable of handling love and/or giving it back in return. He thinks by allowing her total control, never correcting her, never telling her what he really thinks, always agreeing with her no matter how outrageous or inappropriate she is is showing her he loves her. Buying her things, giving in to her every whim, and honestly I think never remarrying or allowing another female to become truly close to him is in his twisted head a way to make her feel that she will always be number 1. Their relationship is so fake. They never talk about anything real, same old worn out recording type conversations. She totally runs the show. He has absolutely no tolerance for me in regard to wanting to have any kind of say so about anything in our life, I can't even disagree with him over whether its gonna be mexican or chinese food, I can't do anything without him bowing up and puffing up with the "I'm 50 years old, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, I am never going to let u control me, blah blah blah, even over something as ridiculous as me asking him to slow down when he's taking curves at 70 mph, to him anything I ask of him, any plans I hope to see carried out, any time I say what I feel instead of what he wants to hear I am trying to control and dominate him.
But when it comes to her, he would rather die than ever cross her or disagree with her. She is perfect, she does no wrong, and even though she has been in the shadows working him, manipulating him, and doing everything in her power to add fuel to his already very f.u*ked up fire doing all she can to push his girlfriend over the edge so she will snap and give her a reason to go to him and play the "I don't know what I've done Daddy" card he refuses to see it. She has been a big factor, the biggest other than all his own internal issues, for every breakup he has had since she was old enough to figure out how to work him. For the last 25 years, she has been hellbent on making sure women may come but they must always go. I think he has serious issues when it comes to her, I think he feels guilty for her having to grow up from the age of 1 in a broken home so he is never going to venture out and create another life or family with someone else, almost as if he feels like it would be an abandonment of her.
She has done more to me, always behind his back of course, she is a real pro I promise, she has pushed me to my breaking point from the start, but I knew to expect it, and although I have wanted to choke her, I've just turned the other cheek and smiled because I said from the start, " she will not get me" She is really a sick puppy, I have at times wondered if her overbearing control and borderline obsessive behavior is because she too has built him up in her head all her life to be the perfect man, her ideal image of what she would want, that because she can't have him she will go to no lengths to make sure no one else can either. It really is a strange deal. No matter how awful she is though, it is his fault. He has allowed her to be this way since she was in diapers, and he never ever stands up to her. There has been two or three times where it has gotten too much, and I've went to him and told him how she is doing me, and again, he had conditioned himself on how to deal with this since he has had to so many times before, the pre recorded responses come on, He is immediately defensive, angry, hateful, and totally unwilling to see it is real, and that she is the one he needs to be correcting. It is always me, I am jealous of her, I hate her, I don't want her around, all she has to do is breath and I would want to snap, she does nothing malicious or intentional, I am trying to turn him against her because I want him all for myself, every thing that should be directed at her is directed at me because I am the only person he can actually be confrontational to.
He has done this with all his other gf's and they all finally threw in the towel because of his treatment and his refusal to work on any of it, and his blind brainwashed behavior in regard to her. I don't know if it is true of all scorpios, but he has a major sting, unbelievable in its ferociousness and quick strike, but ONLY TO ME. Anyone and everyone else, he lets run all over him. He will cuss and stomp and rant and rave about someone, and the second they are around he just oozes fakeness and CANNOT tell anyone no, but with me ALL I GET IS NO. I am so far on the back burner I am not even on the stove. He is bitter, negative, full of venom and never hesitates to lash out at me, but no one else ever sees this side of him. He is very worried about appearances, and does not want anyone to know the real him. You are totally right about him having his own demons to work out, they are major and deep seeded, and I don't think he is going to be one that will ever learn. He is the most stubborn man God ever made, and unfortunately not only for me but for him as well, he is his own worst enemy. He won't allow himself to let go enough for any true happiness to come in. He is alway on guard, always unreachable even on his best days. I've always been told that scorpios are basically the sexual sign. They are supposed to make the best lovers, and really be into all things in that nature. He is magnetic, and like I said the attraction was and still is so strong I am powerless to it but as for the actual deed, he is even a frozen robot there too. There is no passion, no foreplay, no thinking of me, it is all about him, and he is totally silent. So, even when we are as close as two people can physically be he couldn't be more far away at the same time. Its all about release with him and for a long time I thought the more I initiated it the more he would come around and be responsive and considerate. No. He is so detached that he cannot even connect in any kind of meaningful way even during these moments. It is almost as if he thinks to show any kind of affection, enjoyment, or intimate feeling makes him weak. I don't know why but he is so uncomfortable with it and in turn this makes me totally uncomfortable as well, like I am not good enough or interesting enough or that it is me because why else would a man be this way. Like you the not eating. In four months I have lost 43 pounds. About a yr and a half in, I took out my frustrations in the opposite way, I basically became an obsessive compulsive eater. I turned to food for the momentary feel good it gave me. I was so upset all the time and food was my escape, I would lose myself in cooking elaborate dinners (partly to try and please him and partly because I found it helped with the stress), and then I would totally pig out. Any time I was feeling any king of emotion I would stuff it down with food. I hated myself for it, and even though my self confidence was nonexistent already, it got worse because I gained 30 pounds. Now, since things have really gotten terrible food is the last thing I want and I have lost it all and then some. I thought it would make me feel better, but nothing does. I am so afraid that I have allowed this man to take so much from me that I have lost the ability to feel any kind of good feelings. I am afraid he has robbed me of my essence in a sense, but what makes it even worse is that I stood here a ready and willing participant to the crime. I wanted him to take all I had I gave it to him eagerly and now, I am just a shell of a woman, no inside except pain and fear.
I used to want to be a writer. I have wrote since I was a little girl. I have always been an avid reader and since before I can remember I wanted to express myself in that way as well. I used to have so much to say, I used to wake up in the middle of the night with story ideas and would have to get up and write them down I was so excited about them. I have one book, a collection of stories really, that is almost done, but I have not touched it in over two years. It's like all the energy that used to flow through me has been snuffed out. I have no desire, no iterest, and no cares at all about anything that used to matter. And friends, I abandoned them long ago because I had nothing left to give because loving him and being obsessed with being the one that got thru the one that broke his stone heart and made it pump and feel again took up all my time. Lifelong friends meant nothing to me if it meant they would cut into my time with him. It was a no brainer, it didnt even bother me I was able to cut them out as if they never mattered at all. I have no one. I have distanced myself from everyone in my life exept him. and now i am so wrecked because of that I don't even think I would have the strength to even try and cultivate a friendship. Its hard to explain, I have lost my ability to care about other people, about life, about anything because he is all I am.
I know I can't fix him, I know he won't change, but staying still wins out. I'd rather have him in all his dysfunctional glory than not at all. Why as women are we so drawn to men that make us feel this way? The children thing, I used to think I wanted them eventually, and before him I just figured it would be a given someday, you know the natural order of life, I would fall in love, get married, and have a child of my own. I don't know if I want it just because I think I am supposed to, or if I really do want that but becaus he has squashed it so fervently just convinced myself I am ok with doing without it in order to keep him. Here is the deal, I can envision myself with this other person, I can see us marrying, having children, living in a wonderful home, doing things we enjoy, having true intimacy and love, but at the same time I am seeing these wonderful things there is this nagging fearful voice in the back of my head saying "What if at every moment in this new life, you are still thinking about him? What if at the moment you say I do you see his face, what if at the moment you are giving birth you are wishing it was with him, what if around every corner no matter how happy and right the life may be I still yearn for him and want to be there for him and care for him. What if he gets sick, he is 20 years older, so I know it is a real possibility that as he gets older he may become ill and what if there is no one there to take care of him, what if I go on with my life with someone else and he wants me but is just too proud and stubborn and stuck to ever do anything about it and dies alone? what if I leave and feel massive guilt that makes me always feel like I should go back so that he will have me to lean on. I used to worry about him dying alot in the first year. When I was still so blinded by my love, I used to think about how there would be no way I could go on, about how even if we had 20 good years together I could very easily be left alone by the time I am in my mid 40's. I just can't stand the idea of leaving him alone even though with someone like him that is the only way he should be. He has a tough facade, but deep down he wants someone to love and he wants someone with him. He just can't find a way to put anything into it to keep it alive, so he runs and pushes you away because he feels guilty because he knows himself well enough to know he will never be free from himself. I dont want to wake up 30 years from now and find out he died miserable and alone. I know it is not fair to me or my life to sacrifice myself for him, but it seems like I have no choice. I sometimes think that maybe I was put here to suffer. Also, I was very close to my father, and he died 2 weeks before I met this man. When I am having a momentary bout of clearheadedness and sanity I wonder if maybe my fears and feelings about being without him is because I know how it feels to lose someone you love and I don't want to feel that way again so I just crawl deeper into him instead of examining reality. I have not grieved over my fathers passing. I think about him all the time and miss him dearly, but as far as the grieving process I have shut it down and out all the way, and meeting him was the most convenient thing I had something to focus on, someone to take all my attention off my father, and I wonder if maybe that was part of the allure and maybe part of the reason I dove in so deep, it was an escape. I've also wondered if maybe I was supposed to meet him, like maybe he came into my life to help me through that time, and I just held on too tight and for far too long convinced it was love.
The other guy, is much younger only six years older than me, and even though he has been married, he has said I was always the one. It has always been me he was looking for, wanting, needing, it just took him a few mistakes and lessons learned to realize it. He is ready and willing to open his heart, his home, his life, he will marry me, have children with me, be there for me, and most of all, we are like personality twins, we love the same stuff, the same music, movies, have the same sense of humor, when I think of him then and only then do I start to feel even the slightest twinge of life inside me. I agree with you though about me projecting my hopes onto him. I am bored, I am tired, I am lonely, I am hurt, and I want to feel alive again, I want to feel excitement and I want to be wanted. I have someone who has listened to me about my current situation, he has tried to talk me down off this self hurting ledge I am perpetually perched on, he has tried to make me see the light, he is not pushing me nor is he trying to persuade me to leave my bf for him. He has told me whatever decision I make he will respect it he just wants me to know that if and when I come out of this that he will be there. But, what if I am only interested because I think he will be a cure for all that ails me? what if I go to him and totally fck him over because I can't let this one go. What if I mess his life up because I can't let go of my past? I don't want to be with him just to feel good again because I know that newness always fades and then your left with the same problems. But at the same time, I am so afraid that he is my chance at a real life at real love and happiness and I am going to regret not taking the chance when it was there to take. He won't wait forever nor do I expect him to. I am just so tired of not knowing what to do. As bad as things are with my current bf he has basically abandoned me in everyway, so the little devil on my shoulder tells me to say fck it, I owe him nothing there is no ring on my finger, and go to this other guy just to see if it is real or if it is just the first love fantasy I've had in my head since I was 14, I am so tempted to go to him and see if maybe I can break free if I just got out of this haze I am in for awhile. But then my concience always gets the best of me and tells me I cannot betray my bf even though I really owe him nothing. I don't want to be that girl, the one who cheated, because that is all it would be in the end, t wouldn't be about him or how he has drove me away and treated me like crap, it would be "Oh she f*cked around and left him for someone else, isn't that awful!" how could she do that to him he is such a good guy too" I can just hear it. But, I don't want to leave until I know this other person is worth my time either. I just wish I could push a button and reset myself.
Let me ask you this, if yours came back right now, even after it all and even after two months of time away, would you take him back? What if anything is it going to take for u to break loose? Or is it just a lost cause for the both of us?
HUGE BREATHE IN AND OUT.
you know what. you ARE a writer. do you realise how clear and forthright that comes to me. you are a natural.
ok first things first. forget worrying about what other people think of you. you are stronger than you realise. everyone is going through their own s.hit. and i dont think they could be bothered too much with it and who cares if they do, they are obviously bored with their own lives. i live in a small town and i have also at times worried the same stuff- what will people say , what will they think of me? they dont know the full story.. - al this stuff just screams validation. you feel you need it and you are not getting it from him. you may never get it from him.
so you are sleeping in different rooms. is it possible to take a break from him. go and stay with a friend or go camping for a a week . your brain is spiralling. you must stop now.
if this other scorpio is meant to be he can damn well wait. stuff pressuring you. anyway he left you before and went and got married didnt he. so stuff that he can wait. you arent sure anyway.
YOU MUST GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU AGAIN. and i believe you need some distance from him from both of them. you have been intrenched in conflict and negative outcomes for too long and not getting anywhere. dont doubt yourself and dont beat yourself up either. things change. there is no need to feel guilty. if you truly feel that you want children then this is something that is important. he has said that he doesnt want them with you?
you are still young as far as procreating i mean you have time.
you know my dad( step dad but prominent father figure) died not long before i met my scorp too. and like you the same thoughts in my head. i was grief stricken but suppressed it. i wanted a strong man. i was seeking someone to comfort me and almost take the place of my dad. and he opened me up like no one has before, til i felt like i didnt know where to put my pain. i let it go and cried and then felt it was all about me. i felt guilty for that vulnerability and tried to then find his grief. but it wasnt what he was wanting. he may have needed it but didnt want it. it is very easy to lose ourselves in others of we are not careful and get into dependancy ruts. you cannot fix him or heal him but you can heal you. i know the pain of losing your father must be so great. i still miss mine so much. my dog also died around the same time so it was a double whammy. yes hence i do also believe that i have huge fears of loss now.
as far as his daughters concerned, that stuff is tough but not impossible to work through.but it might take years to work through. so she is a teenager? was he always cold with you?
my guess is that he struggles in his role as a dad and may feel alot of guilt over his past actions and then feels he may never be able to give you what you need- a child , stability etc. A scorpio as much as they sting others will then retreat and sting themselves over and over until they finally emerge reborn from the pain with greater wisdom, humilty and love.
so dont go and cheat.but take some time out for you . just you. no men. just you. maybe you need to grieve for a while. surrender to it. and think about your writing. dont give up on that.
to answer your question... if he came back. i would again want us to try counselling. which we were going to get before. i dont think i would take him back straightaway. i really dont know. it seems he needs alot of space so i do question if we could ever live together. we did at the beginning then fought so i ended up getting a place on my own. i still dream of living with someone. i have hoped it could be him. but just not sure any more. i still love him and i do miss him. to break lose. . i guess it would mean leaving this town which i dont want to do right now. and i would have to really let go of him. and to the possibilty of a shared life with him.i am much older than you i am 38. so my clock is ticking loud. i cant even be bothered looking for anyone else. i have no interest. i have invested so much of myself, probably too much into this man. but i worry that id i have a child with him he will leave me cos we wont be able to live together. fear fear fear, bah!!!!
the break lose... no you know what, stuff that thinking!! you are not trapped and neither am i. that is just a self defeating illusion created out of fear of percieved loss of self. this man didnt cage you and neither did mine. we LET ourselves be. we stopped fighting for ourselves and became weak martyrs. I also stopped seeing my friends. i even stopped working at one point. i was trying to appease him to make peace to avoid conflict to make him happy. wrong move.
contact your friends again. if they are true friends they will still be there for you. and no they may not understand what is going on for you. you cant expect them to cos they havent been in the situation. please take care of yourself. i see more on you than i think you do. you owe it to yourself to get yourself- your WHOLE self, body and soul WELL again. what do you think about that?
i also want to add - believe that you are loveable. that you will receive the love you want . all of that energy that you are putting into him into feeling angry feeling rejected, turn it into loving kind thoughts of yourself. if you live near a beach go down there or somewhere else away from people, and find somewhere quiet to sit for a while. you might be there half an hour an hour whatever you need. allow yourself that time. just sit there and breathe and if you feel that knot of sickness in your stomach ,when you breathe out , breathe that sickness out too.know you are loved. just keep telling yourself over and over. you are not alone. i do this sometimes and just cry to the ocean and the sand and the grasses, i talk to my dad, to my dog.tell them i love them i miss them im sorry. time is irrelevant here.
im just checking in to see how you are doing in case you are reading this, i hope you are ok.