Desperate



  • i don't know what to do. i', in a marriage , heis very dominant. i cant help myself i.m afraid for him. i'm born 31 5 60 he 2 9 61. he just came in and scared the hell uot of me..why?

    Can someone lay te cards for me please.



  • Doortje, are you Ducth? Please tell why you are afraid of your husband. Is it just a feeling or has he harmed you. Is it verbal ( like what he says to you ) that scares you? What is your question for the reader of the cards? As in, what do you want to know?

    This may help to get someone with more experience to do a card reading for you. You may can ask Hans to help you. Just post another post asking for him, He is wonderful with that. Perhaps Captian will help also, if you want captian than you have to post your question to her. If you want someone to counsel you than asnswer these questions. May God Bless and Shield you from harm. I will check back with this post.



  • he doesn't touch me bur he yells at me. He say's yes but I see know the whole time. I feel like he's is playing with me. I feel thats something isn't right. He is pushing me all the time. My son just recovered from a servere psychoses and he's now 20 years old. Living apart from us in a place with students and people who take care of him. At night he is alone withe the other studenst. He suffers from a form of autisme but he is very clever and want tot go to university to study bioinformatica and life science. I.m not working at the moment and its getting harder to pay the bills. I wanted a divore been busy with it for 5 years. He is tepping on me and want me to be in his shadow alle the time. The way its hppens is very sneeky . My children don's see it and he is claiming them and puts them agiainst me. I feel like i 'm nothing. Is he cheeting on me? Sometimes I think he wants me dead. I'm thinking o divorcing him. He is the one who wants to shine alt the time and i am good enough for doing nothing. He feeels ashame of me . I'm a black well educated woman and heis an white man. his family does not like me i'm not welcome at there place. My man choose to keep me away from them becourse there was tension when i came with him to visit his parents. My children could do anything they want when they where little whilst visithing them. i think i should devorce him. i see no respect at al from him. i'm a teacher he's is a director af a school. so here is my story. ac nyou please lay the cards for me?



  • this is a reqiust for captain and people who feel they should help me... please



  • Dear doortje,

    When I first read your post to the Captain I felt I wanted to respond but hesitated because I am one of those "novice" readers whom the Captain talked about in her blog and I felt it was as if she was talking directly to me when she wrote her words of encouragement to novice readers on this site to answer the difficult questions such as yours. So with that said I will now give you my take on your situation.

    First of all I can personally relate on a couple of levels with some of the things you mentioned in your post. I myself am a bi-racial child who married a man of yet another race but that was not so much the issue with us. After putting up with his emotional, verbal and physical abuse towards me and my children, his gambling addiction and his cheating on me for 11 years and staying for " the sake of my four children" I finally woke up and realized that enough was enough and it is very true about what I once heard Dr. Phil say, "Kids would rather be from a broken home than in one". True my kids had a hard time adjusting when we first separated but now that they see me much happier with their father not around they are happier also. Ok. Enough about me and my life story.

    First off I noticed you said, "I feel that something isn't right." This statement is your answer. You must trust your own gut feelings and this statement says that you must get out of this relationship.

    I think you should focus your attention on your children and especially your son with Autism. Does he live close enough where you could visit him at least once a week or perhaps he could sleep one night a week at home with you? I also have experience working with Developmentally Disabled Students and I know there is no doubt that with your love and support your son will accomplish his study goals in bioinformatica and life sciences.

    In regards to the lack of income. Assuming you are in the USA, have you applied for unemployment? Remember there is never any shame in receiving public assistance from the government when one is in a true financial hardship.

    You say in regards to getting a divorce, "been busy with it for 5 years." I don't quite understand what has been the hold up. Have you actually went to the courthouse and filed the papers yet?

    I do Yes/No Tarot Readings, so your question, "Is he cheating on me?" gave an answer of: 7 of Spades- No, doortje, he is not cheating on you.

    Lastly you say, "I think I should divorce him." and I say I think you are right and you should always follow your own heart's feelings.

    Hope this helps 🙂 !

    Sending you lots of LOVE!

    XOXOXO333Tanya



  • Doortje, I feel the biggest problem here is that you and your husband have many cultural and philosophical differences about what you believe and how you behave. You don't really talk a lot or have deeply honest and intimate discussions with each other, do you? I feel there is a lot of crossed wires in this relationship and that it is more the marriage itself and your living arrangements - even where you live - that you want to get away from. I feel you misunderstand your husband a lot when he tries to help you by telling you how to behave. Yes he may come across as domineering but I feel he genuinely wants to help you fit in. You must play your part by speaking up honestly about about how you feel and make him understand your point of view as well - that you don't like the way he treats you. You have to take charge of your life, Doortje, instead of backing down in a passive way and not communicating your true feelings. Instead of wanting to run away, try standing up and expressing truthfully and plainly what you want and how you have been feeling. I feel you are suffering a lot of culture shock and you need to get this across to your husband who really cares for you. I feel there is misunderstanding more than wickedness here.



  • Doortje, I just looked at you and your husband's astrological compatibility profiles. You two are very different people - your husband prefers a strictly structured and ordered lifestyle while you much prefer a looser, more relaxed environment. Your husband tends to presever structure while you tend to alter or eliminate it. You Doortje have a problem with sticking to or finishing things while your husband will hang in there trying to save the situation. The focus here will be on you and your partner's struggle to convince each other of the need to either tighten up or loosen a given structure - rules, the setup of home or workplace, schedules, budgets etc.) So the need for compromise is vital here. The situation will fail if it becomes either too rigid or too relaxed.

    Emotional manipulation is likely here - you two tend to bring out each other's nervous side, trying to influence each other by arousing fears and anxieties. The situation can be unstable and may offer little relaxation. Persuasion plays an important role in this relationship. Doortje, you can help your husband to relax more and accept more change, but you mustn't just change things because you enjoy it or are bored with the status quo - the change must be beneficial to all. Try to get your husband to implement only essential rules and relax his attitude on less important matters.

    Ultimately change though is not the real issue - you can both handle it comfortably. More to the point are the differences of opinion between you - your conflicts can provide the impetus for forward motion but, if harmony in the home is to be preserved, these conflicts must be resolved. You both share critical and analytical tendencies - if you can shift your mental emphasis into enjoyable activities involving thought (like games, puzzles, books, the internet etc.) or apply it to self-insight, your relationship can be extremely productive. but you two must both learn how to compromise, communicate, cooperate, and meld your very different styles.



  • thank s for giving me advice. That's the way I think and I think the only reaxon wwhy i'm still in this marriage. Tody when i came from a therapy session ..all women who are sexuela abused or emotional neglected in a very severe way and I learnt that the moment you become are of beeing a victum something is the relationship start to shift. The man is not being needed as a rescuer or lets say in a lesser form. What happens is that I am more aware of my place in the relationship. I no longer need a father but a husband and a friend. The reaon why i've been holding back is becourse i thougt a didn't deserve something else. At the terapygroup I.ve been told that its to much to ask to expect a "normal" relationship by staying with my husband.

    I.m not the type of person who says ...oke.....if thats what's happened with alle those women in a situation tha's recembels the one I'm in ...it doesn't have to go the same way.

    I can see my flaws ...while I think his are bigger ... we can change if we want stating that we don''t loose selfrespect.

    But many times I think I tried all that I can ....What more can I ask of myself ....i.m burned out.....suffer from stresss. But still I don't want this marriage to end. I'. getting that I give hin the baeenifit of the doubt again and again. But when is it time to say enough is enough. I dit it 2 months ago. Our farm was about to be sold etc etc. and I stopped the proces becource I dind't want to move...my children were getting sick.... And see here I am do I feel sorry?

    We had a lang talk today and i learnt that he mad a lot of mistakes by keeping me away from his parents ...he tought he did me well. I suffered a lot many years ..I tougt i was not good enough. My children could say and behave as the prefere ...i dind't like that.. my husband don't like tension round his parents and he diceded that he made a good choise. I.m still suffering..my parents negelcted me ...and his parents...

    SoI see there is a lot af wordk to be done but for the both of us. I don't feel supported and safe ..i told him. Now whe wants to be close....kiss etc. and I am afraid that the moment i say yess he is my boss again. We dicided to go in therapy together but the last time ..he says no at the last minut/ He love to look naked girls....I dicussed it. but now I fee lhappy becourse we had a good talk...he listened to me. How do i no that this is not one of hos scemes and we and up the same as we dit before. Its not the first time we dicide something like this. I.s feel insecure and afraid but also happy becourse he listened. So what shall i do. I'm 5o and we are married for 23 years. 3 children...one sufferd from a severe psychoses and is recovering goog. 2 girls 18 and 11. there is a drank problem in his family. I do not drink. my girl from 18 is an d my husban also and today i leanrt that my son wanted to drink alcohol during the day. i.m afraid.

    can you please give me some advice after reading this ling story. I'm well educated. teacher with a extra dgree for children suffering from adhd autisme nld etc. he is also good educated.



  • thank you for giving me advice. someway it scared me. I don't now why. could be that i'm afraid to do what's right and give up my marriage. i'm trembling in side. he one said he would make my life misserable if i divorce him. he is don''t wanne pay for the cildren and me. i.m well educated but i.m so full withstress that i can't work. i get a loan from the goverment. i.m a teacher so when i.m able to work i can take good care of myself but i treid for 2 months and i ca'nt sleep. there is a lot o f tension in my heas body. when a i was raped several times and my mother arranged it. my father says he didn't know. my mother is sick. my brother was drowned in a ditch was missing for 10 days when the police found him.....a lot went wrong in my youth but i'm very much want tpo leave it where it belongs..in the past. i.m having therapy for many years ....i want it to stop. My dochter syas becourse i.m missing a support system at home the ptts wil not go away. but i talked to my husband and he understands and we want to give our marriage a change but it just doens't seem to work. after 1 or two weeks ther we are again. i'm the nono and he knows it all. but why do i want to give him an change every time again? I think I didn't try hard enough. i'm thankful for him rescuing me but no i want a husbadn in steas of a rescuer and father. He have difficulties of seeing me getting stronger . that's wat he says. he doesn't now if he will ever succeed in being that man. that's why i stay. but yes i suffer.



  • Doortje, what's right is to give your marriage a chance to be good. You two both made mistakes but now you can be new people with a new attitude to each other. It's so important that you are really talking to each other. But now you must both prove that you have listened to what the other said by changing your behaviour. Your husband must be prepared to treat you better and you must be prepared to stand up for yourself and tell him what you want. He can hardly know what you want if you don't tell him - that's why he has been making decisions for you all this time - because you never corrected him and said "No I don't want this." You both need to develop more honesty and trust with each other by talking things through. You also both learn to relax more - maybe you can do yoga or meditation classes, swim or exercise together, or take a holiday away from everything together. You both have to try harder to make this marriage work. Show your husband you can be strong and he will let you have an equal partnership. Stop treating him like your father and he will become your friend.



  • Doortje, you don't have to forget your past but you can see it differently. Instead of remembering all the pain and suffering, understand how your terrible experiences have made you strong and tough - they have made you into a survivor. Like a beautiful sword, you have been forged by fire and emerged as a powerful spirited creation. Your deep wisdom and strength will help you now - you just have to believe in yourself.



  • I'm trying. Sometimes I manage. I wished I had someone in my live who really loved me. I had a friend who learned me what love is all about. I met him 6 years ago. My husband and I were miles away from euchother emotionaly. I knew this friend before I met my husband. But becourse he was not in the church i was in a let him go and choose for my husb. I still love mu friend. I feel thats the place were i belong he knows what i.m saying even before i open my mouth. I let him go becourse i'm married. i told him maybe we meet again in the future but its not going to work for now becourse i'm married and so aar you. he was good fo me anf learned me what love is. he taught me to respect myself and how a man should treat a woman. although he ws also married we found a place by eachother where there was peace and real love but it was also clear that is wasn's right. thats why we broke up. I hope we meet in the future and maybe as we are old have a relationship together. My husband was in love with a memeber of his team at school. they still feel for eachother i know for sure. she as at the farm recently becourse i told him that i didn;'t like he holding a secret from me anymore. I read mails from him to her and vica verca.... I told him also that i had sex with a former friend and he said...o that was in a time when our marriage was'nt good and he did'nt mind. He also said that it something like that will happen in the future he wouldn''t mind. and i don't like that. it make me feel funerable and as if he is still having something with her. he wants more freedom. I don't get it even if he explanes. And the worst thin gis is that he likes porno and ....for me ist a reason to divorce. We don't have sex becourse i hate it. it has been like this all those years..periods of sex and then after two weeks i don't exist anymore and he keeps on looking those naked girls on tv nd the computer. i can't live like that . i've tried. can you lay cards



  • Doortje, it is better that your husband looks at pictures of women than goes after the real thing. It sounds like you have so many unresolved issues from your terrible childhood that you are taking them out on your husband. Maybe you do need to divorce or at least go away somewhere quiet where you can find some peace to work on your issues. It doesn't sound like the counselling helped you much. You have to be willing to see the past is the past and move into the present.

    No matter what bad things happened to you, it is all over and those who treated you badly will be punished by God. Decide today that you are going to be a new person and only think of things that make you happy. Your husband and children love you and probably others too, though you don't realise it because your dark thoughts make you blind to love. The only person who doesn't love you is yourself - forgive yourself for what happened in the past - you didn't do anything to deserve it. You are worthy of love. Your experiences have made you stronger - move on to happy times and feelings. It's your choice whether to live in happiness or despair. Other people ruined your childhood - don't let yourself ruin your future.



  • That's what i keep telling myself. I want to make it work!!! so much....

    i have a medication ADHD maybe i must stop with taking those pills. since my psychatrist says i don't suffer from adhd but they surve me she don't knwow why.

    my heas is a mess. burt i mange i'.m a survivor. slowly. I'm an optimist that's in inheritance. so i'm lucky. but it doens't work all the time and for know it looks as if the working stops . i'll manage. i look at the brigth sight of live. i will survive ...i must



  • You should look into doing a meditation or relaxation course or even yoga. You are probably quite run down physically too so look after your health by eating right and getting some good fresh air and exercise. Cut back on bad habits like smoking or drinking or the like.



  • I told my husband that I can't be his wife anymore. it gives m eto much stress. He's looking at my fingers .. I feel imprisoned.. His answer was...I feel the same...its not going to work ....bla bla. He totally agreed. I aksed him why he didn't mentioned it before and he answered that he waited for the right moment. I didn'd expected his reaction. But now I feel relaxed.

    Im'so tired of beeing with him. We planned to speak with a councelor becaurse we want to be friends. We want to learn how we do that. For the moment we don't dovorce...we live in nice house in the country. I have my own place, we sleep seperated for 3 yaers now. For a year now we don't have sex. I send him and the kids on a holiday. Like 2 years ago...I send him with the girls to Paris. In this way he has to talk to the children an arrange things etc etc. Have contact....have a relation. I'm exhausted. I have the place for myself with doggie and I invite my brother and cousins. But to have my husband in the house it cost me so much energie. Its becourse I don't want to hear what I do wrong .. but I longing for a compliment ... nice words. All he does in the holidays is work work work. He can's seem to relax. Its like this since we are marriend...19987. And when we are 2 gether he wants to look tv ... zap zap zap. He doesn't like to talk. about something different than ... waht grocery's do we need, 2 morrow I paint the house, the car is broken, and telling me like 5 times repeatingly ... you better do this becource , if I were you...... I can ract now with emotion without feeling afraid... I say .. I shall think about it... or no I choose to do it this way becource.....I can say ....I didn't lik your reaction ......

    His reaction is oke. Sound ....while he bites his finger rnails ...it makes me so nervous. But than again I 2 have my flaws. When I told him that I want us to be friens after our marriage he was kind of surprise ... he thaught it is beeing married end be friends or divorce and be enemies. I explaned why I want to be friends....I don't hate him.. He makes me sick. And his yelling cursing ... makes me afraid. Especially becourse it happens unexpected. He agree that he has a short temper... and that he is ashamed of me becourse I burned out. I started to work that's what I want ... in a schol I'm a teacher ... and at home working with children with learning problems. But than he feels jelous or something .... he looks down at me. Never encourge me ... he thinks that I'm a failer. When I asked him to support me he advices me strongly (repeatingly). When we speak he bites his nail and hardly react . I'm learning to ask hem what do you think of this ... its seems as if he like he slowly wakes up biting his nail and say. what what .... . If he is not paybg attention ... he is somewhere else with his mind or falls a sleep or the talk we have is short. He say he 's done with me. for no w I'm tired.... and I.m want so much to have someone to hold me or have a girlfriend...anyone who like me and want to talk to me. But I know I must learn from this....and stop hiding myself. When I do that I'm a different person. Not the one who is always sweet, helping, understanding, hiding, afraid. I'm learn a lot. And one of the things I see and learn is that my husband is not the person I want to be with in a marriage. He needs to take care of some one..like I was when we met. He is very good at that. But I'm growing ... I don't need a care taker anymore. And he is a good are taker but I need room 2 breath. Its looks like he is afraid or shy. He is leaning on me much to much.

    I used to run run run... so he is used me running and arranging and solving the things he asked me to. And he is not able to do a lot of things. He is stuck is his autisme and it looks like its getting stronger. But I die if I stay in a marrage. I need so much some one who appriciate me and sees me as I think not as his mother or care taker. He thinks that love is a farytale.

    You live 2 gether and can have a rationship naxt 2 your wife. He thinks that is how it use to be in this century we live in. And I think different. When I told heim I has been seeing an other man he says oke....never mind. And when you want to see someone in the future I won's divorce its oke. I now he has been seeing someone. She was here a month ago. He brought her to our house for a visit. And he talks viainternet with someone. I don't know exactly what he is dooing. but I want to be special to someone. Not just sex and saming and after that television. I need a hug a shoulder..I want to know how he is dooing. When I'm intersted he says that I don't need to know everything ... he needs freedom. So I gonna respect it. ask him to come with me to therapy so we can learn to talk and know each other better. From ther we shall see. But I'm don't wanna be that scary woman, insecure, living by what he thinks is good for me, accepting his cursing and disrespectful words...and I told him that he never never put pressure on me by saying that he is gooing to make my live a hell and working against if I don't do what he wants. Never.... I respect myself and that it. I respect him. We are not goning each other liver misserable but we are going to work to be good parents for our children and be friends.

    We can thank each other for the marriage and say its time to go our seperates ways.

    Its about time. Is it possible that you look in the card for me and him?

    Thanks you for reading my story.

    Doortje



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  • It's great that you are going for counselling together and that you have made a decision to not stay togther. It's true that you have grown beyond your husband now - you don't need him to lean on anymore. You have freed yourself, Doortje!

    You don't need a card reading - you are going the right way. Trying to remain friends with your husband will benefit you and the children. Keep talking to each other even if you are no longer husband and wife. Doortje, you must now start looking for an equal partnerhsip with someone who treats you as you want to be treated. Don't go with any man who wants to put you down or treat you as his subordinate.



  • Thank you for taking me serious. You won't believe it but today I bought a magazine (Flair) and there was a article about a man just like mine. So much resembles ... it gave me the shivers.

    It was about men who choose women with skills like ...clever, honest, hard working, nice and kind, supportive, sssstrong ....and what thy do is being kind very kind and helpful among others and in private when no one can see him and his wife he is not supportive, not friendly, rude, a manipulator, and with no compassion, rude and agressive with words, sometimes thitting.

    The advice was...don't stay and keep thinking ...he is oke ...I'm the one who make him behave that way etc... and most women stay and get weak insecure ..... you know why?

    The husband lives by the energie of the women. They take and don'd give back.

    They named it narcist and borderliner. Eevn the problems the men have were written down and saw a few of my husbands like problems with looking to women in those special programs and at the computer ... always busy , no contact ...

    Its not that I hate him ..... I no for sure now that I can't change him but even more what I learned al those years is true ... I don't understand that's te problem. The article says that the women can't seem to understand that someone can be like that ...mean, rude not paying attention, putting her down....that her own husband is behaving that way .... So there is disbelieve and thinking I don't see or feeel straight .. it just my imagination. So they stay and I try harder to be the wife the men wants. It stops when the women leaves and than she needs time to come to herself. The story looks like the one I wrote yesterday. Its complete and I am very very very thankful for your reply. For now I have to wait till he comes home. He didn't call me yet. My children calles m ethree times and sen several sms. He send me one sms saying he is busy and can't give me a call. I wish I wish I wish and I hope I have the courage to do what I need to do. I need to have the strenghts. It has to stop...now!!!! I can't look in the future but I am not going to shy away anymore. I will be friendly and firm. I am good enough!!!!!!



  • Stay strong, Doortje!


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