HIGH HEELS CLUB - FOR US TO HAVE FUN IN - ONLY LAFFS ALLOWED LOL
Hi Guys i hope all is well with everyone
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean,
And ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend.
A gig was a job for the night.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a three-inch floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut, you did with a pocket knife.
Paste, you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
HAHAHAHAAHAHAhh good ones Living. Keep em coming
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.
"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."
The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.
"Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."
They walk up to the house and knock on the door.
"Come on in," a voice in the house says.
The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.
When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"
"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."
"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."
"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.
The genie smiles. "Consider it done."
"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."
The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.
When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"
"31," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
Pick up lines, u rate em:
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.
You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...
Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do" List!
Save a horse -- ride a cowboy.
Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
What do you say we go back to my crib and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply
Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears
My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?
10 Signs You Might Be Trailor Trash
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
HEHEHEHE LMAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
by Gene Sanders
Let me tell you what would be a real treat:
A gathering of Know-It-Alls together at a meet
And with Know-It-Alls as far as you can see
Just think what the potential might come to be
Id' like to be there as a fly on the wall
To see the mayhem, bedlam, confusion and all
I can imagine them searching for a modest few
For anyone who's listen, to be repulsive to
It would be fun, but for them a great test
To find out just who is the biggest darn pest
And how long should such a meeting last?
Until all realized they are a pain-in-the-a_s
Perhaps at meeting's end some few would see
How totally obnoxious a Know-It-All can be
HEY GUYS I KNOW A FEW OF THESE THAT ID LIKE TO GIVE A GOOD WACKING TO!!!!!!!!
What about gather ALL n EVERY SINGLE one of GOOD DOERS also???? WHOOOAAAA!!!
IMAGINE THAT LMAO HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!
What if we put ur idea n mine is the same room???? UUUHHHHHHH
Do you mean GOOD DOERS AND KNOW IT ALLS? in the same room that would be very interesting who do you think would last the longest as KNOW IT ALLS always want to have the last word pitas grrrrrrrri think the GOOD DOERS would admit defeat as the KNOW IT ALLS negative energy will over power and drain them in the end the GOOD DOERS would all would just blank stare and nod at whatever the KNOW ALLS said brainwashed.
Would be fun to watch no`???
Yes it definetly would make for good entertainment lol !!!!!!!!
TELL ME WHY I DONT LIKE MONDAYS
TELL ME WHY I WANNA SHOO OOT THE WHOLE DAY DOWN !!!!!!!
Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you not to
leave because I'd go berserk?? Well...
You left me anyhow and then the days got worse and worse and now you see
I've gone completely out of my mind.. And..
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa
To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be
happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!
You thought it was a joke and so you laughed, you laughed when I had said
that loosing you would make me flip my lid.. RIGHT???
I know you laughed, I heard you laugh, you laughed you laughed and
laughed and then you left, but now you know I'm utterly mad... And..
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa,
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the happy home. With trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!
I cooked your food, I cleaned your house, and this is how you pay me back
for all my kind unselfish loving deeds.. Huh??
Well you just wait, they'll find you yet and when they do they'll put you
in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!!! And...
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa.
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy
to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming
to take me away, ha-haaa!!!
To the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haa!!!
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time...
hehehehehh good one hahahahaahahah
After allegedly robbing a convenience store yesterday morning in Aiken County, South Carolina, United States, a man fled the scene on a riding lawnmower. Police apprehended the suspect near the scene.
According to the Aiken County Sheriff's Office, Ricky New entered the store carrying a large stick, demanded money, assaulted the clerk with the stick, and left with an undisclosed amount of money. He then tried to make his getaway on a Craftsman mower. His face was concealed by a towel, but Ricky New lives nearby and the clerk identified him promptly after the incident.
Wisconsin authorities have rescued and arrested a drunken man who plunged into the Wisconsin River while chasing a one-legged goose.
The 40-year-old Wausau man told officers he wanted to catch the bird and roast it. He says he took off his shirt and shoes last Thursday afternoon and jumped into the frigid water.
You know the saying of army, navy, cops, firemen can sleep anywhere anytime? Did you also know they can sleep from it all? read this:
One Saturday night there was several of us spending the night at the fire dept (rare to have more than the 2 paid personnel there on a weekend) in the hopes we would get a call and be on the first out engine. About 2230 everyone turns in except myself, I proceed to run an errand back home quick and return about 2300 or so. As I get out of my car my Minitor beeps a couple times than quits...I run for the door to hear the dispatch (the Minitor I had notoriously
bad reception in our area). Control dispatched us to a "Miscellaneous 10-70." Being as I was the only one conscious at the time I ran down the hallways and threw my turnout gear on as the others stumbled out to do the same. We decided to take the ladder truck, which is normally reserved for structure fires, just to play it safe since we didn't know what exactly was on fire. So here we were all aboard the ladder truck while the officer radioed control to find out what exactly was on fire. She again says she is attempting to get some more '14' (info) for us. Well we lit her up and rolled in the direction of the address given...as we get about 3/4 of the way there control advises us of a 10-70 Coke machine. As we round the corner there is a pretty decent sized glow in the sky and a plume of smoke rising...looked like it coulda been more than a Coke machine. We get within sight and sure enough it's a fully involved Coke machine, spouting flames out the front. Amid chuckles and laughs from ourselves and the 2 to 3 Sherrif's Deputies who showed up the fire was extinguished and we returned to the station to find one of our most 'gung- ho' firefighters still asleep in his bed. Turns out he slept through people coming in the door, 2 trucks leaving and the monitor blasting the radio traffic over the PA system, but an alphapager vibrating on the table woke him up. Needless to say, it was one for the Gag Book.
Firefighter #180, Ashley River Fire Dept
No. Charleston, SC 29418
At times we´re all rookies, BUT that doesnt mean that SOME of us aint got common sense:
And a probie shall lead them
So as usual we get called to an automatic alarm at a private residence. When we get there there is an actual smell of smoke so the decision is made to force the door. So the captain and a Lt. decide to show a new probie how to force the door. Yet try as they might they just can't get enough leverage to pry the door. So then the probie says, " here let me" and the tow of them start chuckling as the probie walks up. He then grabs the doorknob turns it and promptly opens the door. Much to the shock of the 2 officers who never tried to just open the door first.
Daddy fireman has some splaining to do LOL
A street-corner box came in and two stations were dispatched. When the first-due company pulls up to the box, they see a little boy standing on the seat of his tricycle. When they dismount the rig to find out what's wrong, they realize that he is the son of a firefighter on duty that day. When asked what was wrong, he told them, "I just wanted to see my daddy!"
Roland R. Lafrance, Sr.
Disabled fire lieutenant/chaplain
P.O. Box 94
Redford, NY 12978
I DO declare, firemen has some of the most wonderful humor in the world:
Cat in the Tree
The famous "My Cat is stuck in a Tree" call that many fire departments get, came in to our Volunteer Department on day, but it was not exactly a cat. We received a call about a Large Exotic Tropical Bird that got out and was up in a tree. The owner was worried because the wings were clipped and the bird could hardly fly. So the dispatch went out, One Pumper Truck and the Chief were the first ones on the scene. The worried Bird owned runs out of the house to beg us to get his bird down. The Chief looked at the man and said, "No problem, we will get him down. I just dispatched my Sniper." I thought the entire department was going to die laughing and that we would have to transport the Bird owner for shock. Needless to say, we easily climbed the ladders and retrieved the bird.
POOLER VOLUNTEER DEPARTMENT
Not to mention the LENGHTHS our firemen go to:
Working in a rural volunteer department, we have the chance to deal with some very interesting and backwoods people. There is a certain house in our district home to a sweet old lady in at least her 80's. At least once per year and usually more than that, we receive a call from her with some very unusual requests and circumstances. They have ranged from asking that we protect her pet bull so that the neighbor's kids quit having sex with it to telling the refrigerator to please not threaten to burn the house down again. You see it was romantically involved with the stove, and when her son rearranged the kitchen so that the stove was next to the dish washer instead of it, it got jealous and threatened to make some heat of it's own and brn the house down if it didn't move the stove back next to it. (This is no joke, I swear!)
Well this time it was to save the three (imaginary) people in the attic. Seems that they went against her wishes and slept on the heater in the attic to stay warm and ended up melting just like she said they would. While trying to control his laughter, the chief instructed me and another fireman to go get a ventilation fan. Although confused as to what his motives were, we went to the salvage truck and brought him his "save the melted ones" fan. We proceeded to hang it up in the doorway and explained to the woman that this would cool them off enough so that they would "un-melt" and be OK. We
let it run for about five minutes and she was just the happiest old lady she could be when the chief announced that he just came down from the attic and were OK again. So far it has been a while since we last heard from her, so we are anxiously awaiting what dire emergency will stretch the bounds of
fire duty above and beyond the call again.
Anderson County Fire Department
Here is one where it proves that u dont need to be an ACTUAL parent to know, when kids get VERY still they ARE INDEED up to NO GOOD:
I volunteer for a local fire dept here in my hometown, and weird and bizarre calls are no strange thing to us. Our fire dept has the biggest district in the county and believe me when I tell you that when the "weird" ones come in they come in. We were all sitting around our fire dept. one night, the tones dropped and the dispatcher called off structure fire, we like these kinda calls. So we humped it to the trucks, pulling on turn out gear as we did. We responded in a timely manner, only to find a frantic woman outside running around swearing she was gonna kill her 8 yr. old grandson. We were all a little confused but we dropped lines and went into the house as it wasn't fully engulfed yet. What we found was so hilarious we almost couldn't put the fire out. The fire was contained in an upstairs bedroom, and a had apparently been started by the grandson. According to his grandma he had been upstairs
playing and had come down and asked for a glass of water, so grandma gave it to him. A few minutes later the little boy was back asking for another glass of water stating he had spilled the first. On the third visit grandma started getting suspicious and then she smelled smoke. She asked the little
boy what he had done and he stated the following: "Grandma I cant lie, I was playing with matches. But I heard my older brother say how much fun it was to play with "HOT" pussycat, that I sat the cats tail on fire, just to see how much fun "HOT" pussy was." Now keep in mind while your reading this
child is 8 years old. The pussy"cat" had apparently not enjoyed having its tail on fire and had ran up the curtains of the bedroom set them ablaze and well the little boy made his kittys "tail" get cold again. But couldn't manage to put the big fire out. Needless to say the older brother was grounded forever. And was told never to mention "HOT" pussy around the 8 year old again.
Lately we´ve read in papers n heard on the news n on tvnews what crock politicians play on firefighters, well here is a tale of what goes around COMES around:
A couple of years ago the city fire department in my area responded to a large beverage company fire just a 100 yards or so outside of the city limits. Before they even had a chance to get the hoses out goo one of our city supervisors showed up on the seen. He told the city firemen that this fire was in the county and that if they did not get the truck back to the station that they would all be fired. Needless to say they left and the county volunteers had to deal with it. Two weeks later the city got a call of a house fire and when they responded to it found the same supervisor standing in the street pointing to his house which was on fire. His house was about 200 feet outside the city limits so the city fire firefighters told him it was a county fire and went back to the station while the county volunteers handled it. I reckon you could say if you make the bed you better be ready to lay in it.
bobo volunteer firefighter