Captain can you help me



  • Dear Captain, I am writing this for my husband and well I suppose for "us". We have tried and tried to get off the ground with his business and all of our efforts have been turned down, none of his job applications have had any success, everywhere we turn it is like there is a great big block in front of us, well actually more in front of him because I am trying to shield us and it works for me and the kids but not for him. It is really like there is a force out there, like spirits playing round with us, just letting us get to the winning post and falling just before crossing it. It makes me angry and I shoo them off but they still come back. Plus point is it has brought us back closer together.

    Captain would you have time to see if you can pick up on the energy and do you have any tips on how to combat it. I read your post about ethics and I am open for whatever you feel I should know.

    Thanks so much in advance,

    Sheelagh



  • Paddifluff, to be honest with you, I feel your husband's heart is just not in getting an ordinary job or living a settled life. he self sabotages any attempt to find a normal type of job. Deep down he wants to be free to be an adventurer without any ties. He must really want to get a job in order to find one. He is still quite the child but he knows he is not being a very good husband or father by wanting his freedom. If you stick by him however, I feel your marriage can still work. You will have to be the parent as your husband is not capable of making adult decisions at the moment. What is best for him (stability and a happy home life) is not what he thinks he needs - adventure and the single life. So you must take on the burden of responsiblity here. You must either find him a job yourself or convince him to take what he can find and not get stuck in dreams of a glamorous unrealistic lifestyle. He has to get his head out of the clouds and take a normal type of job and settle down as he is not getting any younger. He does not want to lose you and the kids however so you may have to threaten him with leaving before he realises how serious the situation really is. At the moment, he is still dreaming of his beautiful fantasy life. Time to throw a bucket of cold water over him...



  • Oh goodness Captain, you ahve so hit the nail on the head. he lives in another world alright, constantly dreaming up new ideas, he is trying to keep his company going but at great sacrifice to me and the kids. I did actually threaten with leaving in March and things improved a bit but they have slipped again. He wants to start selling our assets to realise his next venture. he won't take a full time job because he wants the freedom indeed. Oh boy, better get that bucket filled....thank you so much, I knd of suspected it but it is a relief to hear it from a completely neutral person. You are so kind, thank you!



  • Good luck to you, Paddifluff, stay strong! Your hubby will ruin you and your family if you don't step in and take control.



  • Not a second too late came your warning Captain. He just told me he cannot pay his wages this month. I am taking over now.



  • Good for you! Let me know how you go.



  • Damn this is so tough. I put my foot down. I said NO MORE. I told him he should walk out the door if he feels that we are tying him down instead of giving him the freedom to live his dreams. I told him I want security for us, we have 4 kids to feed and clothe and put through university at some point if they want, I refused to agree to selling assets to cover a money deficit (another one) by him. I told him to get a bloody job that paid a decent monthly salary. and he told me there was no security in a full time job, did I want him to give up his company, how could I dare to say these things to him, and he has not spoken to me since. I do not believe for a minute he has done anything intentionally, he is not that kind of person, and really I do not want him to walk out, but but but there has to be a but. Damn. but thanks for giving me a timely shove in the right direction. I guess i have been blind because I wanted to be.



  • So the 'child' threw a temper tantrum when he couldn't get what he wants? As the only 'adult' here, you were right to put your foot down. Don't give in or you will be harming both your children and your immature hubby who needs this sort of discipline even if he doesn't recognise it.

    Good for you, Paddifluff!



  • No security in a fulltime job? Really? That's his argument - oh boy is he so not thinking clearly! 🙂



  • The child calmed down and crawled on to my lap for a cuddle, we talked it through, revised his CV, he applied for a great number of jobs, we made a plan for the coming three months which we will review, I am going to step in more to his business to keep an eye on things. Maybe there is hope. Funny, every time I asked my angels to give me a big unavaoidable sign about how things were going, especially with regard to moving plans because I feel it is time to change, I got a huge big agressive burst from him. I wondered so much why and what they wanted to say. I guess they are warning me too. I have not asked for a while because I do not want another explosion.

    x thanks



  • Hee hee, glad that the child came around after his 'spanking'. All he needs is a firm hand. I'm sure it would be nice to have an equal partnership though - maybe he will grow up fast?



  • Well we do have an equal partnership on some levels, I guess otherwise we would not be together but I do have one more thing - he has applied for a job in my home country where we are hoping to move to and he has gotten a reply from Human Resources. Is this the one? How long will it take for him to get a job? Any insight? I promise I will not ask any more from you (on this thread lol!)



  • It's not a good sign that he wants a job somewhere else - it is his escapist nature that thinks moving around is true freedom. But he needs to understand that real freedom begins on the inside. He needs to stand and fight his demons. Moving will not bring him the satisfaction he craves. No matter where he goes, he still take his inner problems with him.



  • And I really don't mind helping. 🙂



  • Hmm. Up until now I have thought of the search for jobs abroad or away from here as a necessity because of the lack of jobs at a higher level. My husband (and me to a certain extent) are no friends of the dutch mediocrity (just do what the contract says and no more, the dutch culture does not encourage brilliance). I suppose it is unrealistic, we have already spent months apart because I have refused to drag the kids around, but now I want to return to my home country (Ireland) and he just happened to apply for a job there and get an answer.

    But yes, we are both running from our pasts, well at least he still is because I have gotten help both professional and spiritual in order to deal with my demons whereas he is still running. Which is why I am ready to return. But it is also a good place for holidays if the move never works. My husband will never settle. He goes for jobs which entail travel. His heart calls him to music but he is ignoring that call in the quest of well I actually don't know what. A very complicated person. I would love to know how to press the "stop and settle down and get a job and be happy with it and your life and your family "button.



  • If you really want to go home, then you should. Just don't let hubby make the decision.

    I actually envy you - I had a brief holiday in Ireland and loved it more than anywhere I have been. It is such a vibrantly magical place. So eerie and hauntingly beautiful when the mists come down. I felt so at home there. If your hubby doesn't want to go back with you. I'll come. 😉 I'll be a gypsy and live in a caravan.



  • Lol you can come and stay! You can put your caravan in my back garden which will be like a football field compared to our postage stamp here. We are going on holiday ther in 9 sleeps (for the girls), can't wait! And if he gets a job there it would be a great bonus



  • OK now I feel sick. He is selling assets. But not the company. Does he know what he is doing. I have to sit down and make a list of all the things in my house I can part with, and those I can't, and then sell them. I have to find a way out of this. I am praying for a miracle. Or at least help in finding a way out. So sorry this thread was not supposed to drag out. But it is hard telling people you are financially screwed so who do i turn to?



  • Okay one more. After realising that I have 2 options, either leave him or work together to get out of the mess, I decided for the second option. The only thing I could come up after hours of soul searching and angel talking with was why sell our private assets why not sell the company. And so I carefully put it to hubby and do you know he agreed to it, as long as I do it because I have this knack of always getting a great deal for anything I sell and I always have great fun doing it whereas he always gets too friendly and usually gets used and abused by other business sharks which is why we are where we are now. The card you pulled for me a while back was Jupiter, I so hope it is still valid.



  • It is - you are doing the right thing and hubby is realising that you are the best person to be in charge at the moment. Don't worry - I feel he will come right after he begins getting direction and steadiness from you.