We might be breaking up, HELP???
Me and my boyfriend have been seeing each other for almost a year. We have had problems since an exfriend of mind has put doubt in my mind. We got through alot of it with no consiquences. Since February 13th we are having big issues. February my exfriend said he is cheating with his ex gf and his truck is at her apartment. I left work early (3am) to see if it was true. His truck was there. I assumed the worst. I sat there for 3hrs he came out. I followed him home. Got out of my car and yelled what is going on? He was angry that I did what I did. He explained why he was there. That he couldn't see his kids earlier because she worked 2nd and some legal issues. I have to mention that I am a shy person and for me to go off like that isn't me. I surprised him and myself. I believed him. I called him on the 14th to see how he was. He said "do you want to know to know what I did last night"? "I had bought you a gold bracelet for valentines day and sat at the shop and melted it down, crying the whole time because of what you did". All I could do is say that I'm sorry. He said I'm hurt and angry right now so don't take everything I say personally.
A week went bye we talked and were finally getting things to the way they were. Another week had past and we were alot better. He and a friend had to on a trip out of town to get a truck he had purchased on EBay. We talked the whole way up and on the way back. I was at work and she came in again and was saying something else about a girl and his work place. Instead of asking him directly i text his friend and asked when I knew it wasn't true. He called me right back after I sent the text and asked me if I lost my head. I told him I knew it wasn't true but he said the way I worded it was more like a statement than a question. We were finally getting past this and once again I did something wrong without anyone telling anything to me.
I was at work (2nd shift) and my friend Tat came in and told me that he may have brain cancer. I asked him if he would like me to stop after work. He said yes. When I left work I didn't see him but my bf was right behind me. He was going to call me but forgot his phone and turned around to go get it. You see I normally work 3rd abut I was scheduled for 2nd. Me and my bf don't get to spend alot of time with eachother with eachothers work schedules. With me on 2nd I would of been able to spend time with him but decided to go to Tat's apartment. My phone was turned down so I didn't hear the text or the calls from my bf. He got worried so he went to my place saw I wasn't home assumed the worst. Then said maybe something happened so he checked every place he could think of. Including hospitals. I fell asleep on Tat's couch. I should of called my bf but I didn't. The next day I called him back and he was mad but relieved to hear I was ok. He asked me where I was. I said a friends house, I'm not going to lie a guy friend. The first words out of his mouth were "did you sleep with him"? I said no because I didn't. No need to lie when I did nothing wrong. He asked me if he was an exbf I said no. Here is what I did wrong I lied when I said we didn't see eachother when we have. I told my bf what had happened. He doesn't believe me. I have never lied to him before. This is a first. I lied because I knew what he would think and he did. So if I would of told him the truth from the start he still wouldn't be deciding whether or not we should be together. This happened 5/13. Since then We have seen eachother a few times. Not really talked about it though. He has described the situation to some of his friends saying it's a friend that is going through this. He said all of them said the same thing that if I was a dying man I would want a peace of _ _ _. You fill in the blanks. So he needs to hear it from a females point of view. He told me he is not doing this to get back at me or to hurt me but I'm going out this weekend on a date. He told me this is the girl who talked him into staying with me in Feb.. Well that date is tonight. I'm scared that she is going to convince him to leave me. I just have a gut feeling. Usually when I get a feeling this strong 9 times out of 10 it is true. I think he has already made up his mind but just needs someone to convince him it's ok to break up. He loves me dearly. He already said to me it would hurt worse to say goodbye but we can't keep going through this every month. He said each month it keeps getting worse and in the back of his mind he can't help but wonder if we stay together whats going to happen next month. I have apologised so so many times. Wishing I wouldn't of fallen asleep. Gone on home... But now I'm pretty sure I'm going to loose the man I love so very much. Does anyone have any advice for me on what to do before he goes on his date tonight?? HELP PLEASE!!!!!
you seem extremely scared and you seem to not believing in your own capacity to resolve the issue with your boyfriend or to believe in your own quality
what made you believe in first place there were something to worry about? ever someone tell you your boyfriend maybe cheating it takes the true believe in you to make it true
i m not sure by reading what you wrote that the situation is ever clear for you,
yes,i't's very clear you dont want to lose him and you seem very panic about it
try to put yourself together and try to think positively, stressing and thinking the worst doesnt help anything
You are right Star2u. I am very scared and I always have been insecure about everything. I got to worrying when his ways of doing things changed. He would stop at my work and hang out for hours when he was done working. Or he would wake up and come to see me for awhile. But he stopped doing that altogether.
On my nights off he would make the excuse he was to tired for me to come over and say maybe tomorrow night. Then tomorrow would get here and he would have another excuse. This started sometime last October. Wouldn't that make you have any kind of questions to what was going on? I have a hard time talking, saying what I feel or to just ask a question. My biggist downfall.
This woman that told me these things has a way about her to make things true. Even when I knew they weren't. She is the one who put the doubt in my head. I have had relationships in the past that the trust was gone. So trust is a very big issue with me.
Now I don't know what to do. I feel really alone. Nobody knows just how much.
"cococofe" the Truth is you are not alone, try to be positive, look i dont know you and i m here for you trust me so be positive
Noone alive in this world can put thing in your head you know that somewhere in you, only you can do this
he stop doing the things he was doing before, well Darling this is how life is it doesn't mean he stopped loving you
Let me tell you the truth, you are the only one that can seriously destroy what you have with that guy
you know how by be so afraid to lose him
fear are not sexy or attractive, it make you look ugly
you need to learn to space yourself a bite between your fear , yourself love and your love for him
give yourself some space about the situation you are not looking at this in the right way and you need to give him space too
i m sorry to say but you seem to be very demanding and this can put a lot pressure in relationship
relax a bit, look at your strength and stop looking and be focus and doubt and false prediction
you need to feel safe to be with someone
you need to feel trust between you two
you dont seem to look at those things, why, what;s really going on???
star2u, I will try to look at this positive and try to believe that he isn't going to leave me. I am very hard on myself. I have always been this way. I guess it just comes natural for me to be that way. I have alot of insecurities and being alone is one of them. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for him. Even tho he has told me I am. Even tho he has told me different I still beating my head against a wall (sort of speak). I have been hurt so many time I guess that maybe I just think that he is going to hurt me as well. But he hasn't done anything to. It's just me and my self doubt. I don't like myself right now for what I have done to him. I can cry any where at any time. He has been saying hurtful things to me when he calls me in the morning.He will say good morning and be nice then he just says little things that he knows will hurt me. So I have been starting each day off by crying. Today was different tho. He called later than he would during the week. He said he called to hear my voice. He said he was good mood and didn't want to say anything to hurt me today. That he didn't want to think about it today. It was nice not to cry.
You said I'm being demanding. Call me stupid but what am I doing that makes it seem that way? I know I sit sometimes and wonder if I should I call or text him. If I do and get his answering machine I usually add on "sorry to have bothered you"
I'm sorry but I have to go for now. I am falling asleep sitting here. i'm very tired. I will continue later on today.
You are bringing this breakup on. Your thoughts are insecure and fearful of losing him so basically the universe will bring it round to suit your reality. So instead of stressing that you are going to break up. Think and believe that he is having diner with a friend Who is on your side. And that there is nothing wrong with that.
You need to dismiss these ugly thoughts, work through them. I feel this way... Why? What other reason could he be doing there (instead of assuming the worst) and how do I overcome the thought. In this case he is feeling unsure he has gone out to tea with a friend who helped you before and she will tell him no not every dying male wants a bit.
and then you need to work on you getting rid of these ugly thoughts.
The last few days I've been really doing some thinking about me and my boyfriend. I do trust him and I love him without a shadow of a doubt. The last few days have been good between me and him. He has been in a pretty good mood. No hurtfull words have been said and I have not cried. I feel alot better. I am looking at our situation differently. I've been giving it my best to be more positive and not so negitive. I know it will take some time but I'm trying. I really want this to work for us. I know it won't be the same as it was in the beginning but it doesn't have to be. It can be better.
He still hasn't decided on what to do. Meaning that we stay together or split up. I know he loves me. He said a few days ago "that it will hurt me worse to say we are done than what I'm going through now" All I could say is I'm sorry I never ment to hurt you. Yesterday I didn't call him or text him all day. He called me about 5pm and jokingly gave me heck for not calling him. I told him I'm giving you some space. He said "for what? Well maybe I don't want that much damn space". We laughed and he told me about his day so far.
I'm trying my best and I'm going to be more open with him. Even if it kills me. Have to run. I'll check back later on. : )
Hmm I sounded rather harsh.
Look the only reason I am is because I am going through stuff with mine at present and i really want to warn you to think positive.
just think that he will remain, act like you love him, flirt play and be happy.
No streesing what maybe.
Hi "Cococofe" it's great girl you take it easy, it's hard to not trying to make contact when you love someone but sometimes is good to give some space to the person and trying during that time to treat yourself well and not taking it like punishment
Thank you for all the advice. I am thinking positive and feeling better. I'm trying to give him as much space as he needs. Right it's going to be hard to give him space. He stopped by to see me this morning. He wanted to surprise me. He always said I'm going to stop someday without telling you and see you without your hair fixed or makeup on. Well today was that day. We laughed. It was nice. I love to hear him laugh and see him smile. Then he told me he had a doctor appointment. He never makes a doctor appointment unless there is something really wrong. He is the most stubborn man I ever met. He has alot of health issues and I constantly worry. He always tells me not to worry I'll be fine.
Today he wasn't fine. He woke up this morning about 6am and called his doctor at home and told her we have a problem. He had a mild heart attack. He didn't want to really tell me. I coaxed it out of him. He told me this and I begun to cry. He said stop I'm fine. He doesn't like me to worry. I can't help it. He has 2 leaking valves in his heart. I already knew about them. For awhile now he has been having chest pains. His appoint was at 9:30am. After he left a little while later the doctor called him and asked him to come back in at 3pm.
I just got done talking to him on the phone. He told me the doctor said his valves were leaking worse. That is why his chest has been hurting so much. She told him he has to reduce the stress in his life. So either tonight or early tomorrow morning he is going out of town to his cabin. He said he needs to get the stuff cleared up that is in his head. Meaning a part of the stuff is us. He said he needs time. I was kind of upset because of what the doctor had told him. He can hear it in my voice if something is wrong and he raised his voice a little and said to me "what is wrong now" I said nothing then he said "if your going to get upset everytime i call ai won't anymore" I said "I'm fine i was just going to ask you if I could come over and hold you tonight that's all". He said "listen I'm not sure when I'm leaving it all depends on how I feel after I eat and if I leave in the morning I might have you come over". Anyways with me worrying like I do I might of just pushed him away by wanting to make sure he is ok. If he decides this weekend what is going to happen between us and he wants to go his own way. I guess I gave him the push to do so. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I'm really hoping I didn't mess up.
It's supposed to say right now it's going to be hard to give him space
Hi"Cococo" yes giving him his space , i m doing the same things and i m learning to focus on the things i wanted to do, you know men love when they are coming to say their women they are welcome and loved, they kind expect us to be always like that but you know there will be a time where you cant be smily where you can hide your anger and fear
dont forgot to be yourself, dont be and hide who you are for love
sometimes we change in order to keep the one and then when we look back we no longer know who we are
if you feel upset you should feel welcome to talk about it too and not feeling scared to show your real feeling because it may upset him
i know you love him but try to close to your love and your real feeling
ment doesnt always understand our feeling and emotion
dont try to be always nice because you are afraid to start a fight
the deal is you guys should be able to accept each other and to comprise
i m happy to see you are better anyway
you doing well girl
Hi star2u, it's been along week. He went out of town Saturday and came back Monday afternoon. We talked through out the week but when he went away over the weekend we spoke for maybe a total of 6 or 7 minutes. I gave him space to think or whatever he needed to do. Here it is early Wednesday (6/2) morning and I haven't seen him since last Tuesday (5/25). It's been hard.
He seems more distant now since his get away. We came close to fighting over the phone. It was just about his health and that I care and miss him. I told him I missed him and he yelled back to me "I miss you to". He always tells me don't worry about me I'm not worth it. That is who I am. I'm a very caring person and I don't understand why he is doing this to me. When you love someone, you care about them right? I can't change who I am. He should accept me for who I am. I am still the same person he fell in love with. So why should I have to change to please him.I thought it was getting better. I'm not so sure anyymore.
On the 13th of this month it will be 4 months since all of this began. I asked him if he even knew it was 4 months. He said he didn't realize it has been that long. I love him dearly but I don't know how much more I can take. All I do is wait, I mean all the time just to spend time with him. Which doesn't happen very often. I also did some thinking while he was away. There has been alot of issues in our relationship. It has been hard right from the start. I'm starting to wonder if we should of just stayed friends instead of getting involved.
What should I do? I was just starting to get happy again. Starting to get out of my depression which I've been in for a very long time. Now I'm back to where I was before.
It sucks, you know?
Hello "cococofe" i know exactelly how you feel as i was there in your shoes 5 weeks ago but not anymore.
what is the sign of your guy?
Something we Women need to understand about Men is they are very simple people, they actually tell us from the start what they are and what they can give but We Women are not listening and hope to change them, it's a big mistake
he tells you his not worth it and you keep chasing him asking him to be something that he doesnt think himself to be
You didnt change but he has and his pushing his change in front of your face right now with the message to leave me alone
I was where you are, so in love with that guy that i couldnt cast he gave me so much headache and didnt care how much the thing he was doing made me feel
i spaced myself from him DEAR
The more you try to hold him down the more he will run and the more your happiness with be damage
Do you want to lose yourself for a man??? after you are miserable no one will want you
YOU need to get back to the most important person of all, and that's YOU.
his telling thing, his yelling at you , Damn i will shoot him if he was doing this to me
All you trying to do is trying to get close to him and his giving you nightmare
You need to consider yourself more then this darling you cant let someone hurt this way but right now the truth is IT'S NOT HIM that is hurting you, IT'S YOU
by ignoring the sign and keep chasing a man that is mentally gone from the relationship you are hurting yourself
there is a cycle and game in this world
men should be the one chasing a woman, i made the mistake thousand of time before to chase the guy, to show him how much i care
this day i dont show how i feel , i show a little and if he doesnt treat me right i hit that road and get myself together
Trust me they come running, they need the woman to make them chasing them , it give them a chance of worth somehow
a man feel worth it by how his woman keep him on his feet
Play some game, have some fun now, stop the crying, what the use
get back to you, i Tell you right now, you keep chasing him and yeah it will never change simple
you need to be ready to loss him in this game
i was the same darling, the same, i love that guy to Death but hey the more i loved him the more i was far from him
then i took some time away from him it killed me to not txt, call or email him 5 weeks ago but now his chasing me like crazy and unfortunately i feel so hard now to go back there
Back right where i lost my happiness, now i say never what with you, never i feel too good now to go back to you, you my friend didnt love me, you didnt value me
Tell me, what was wrong about the way i loved you before,
you see" cococofe" you are not the only that goes through those hard time with men, be strong you are not alone, get back to the beautiful woman that you are you see he will come around when he does dont jump in his arms , give him some of his medicine, the space and distance he gave you
but come on you tell me what you want to do about it. how you see it?
I've read about your complications and wondered if you and Star2u would mind if I intervened?
come on in "Blueyedervish"
Thank you star2u
Cococofe you are allowing your anxieties to control you.As you never stated when your or your bf birthdate was,I won't decipher personality traits.I can say this however,given your actions in this situation.Star2ub is on target about letting the bf come to you.As he is dating,you may see whoever you wish.This smacks of double standards to me.Trust your gut for one thing.it isn't wrong.Sudden changes in a relationship do mean other aspects are evolving.And dear one,not everything that has occurred ,is all of your fault.My greatest concern is that you don't feel whole without this male.You are too dependent on him for your happiness.I believe I am only reiterating what star2u has said before,however as it is such good advice ,it does deserve repeating.Do those things that make you happy.Develope your inner self with learning to love you,even for your faults.Embrace your uniqueness and learn to enjoy your "me" time.I understand loneliness,however,loneliness usually comes from not appreciating or building on what you have on the inside.We all need love,but in order to attract the right person,one must love and nurture herself first.As the Captain once advised a reader,"Make you #1."Everything will fall into place once you do.
Now,your bf may only be in your life as a model.When you look at the relationship,it can help you point out what areas you need to work on so it can be controlled/ erradicated within the next relationship.I won't mislead you by saying that he'll be back or otherwise.I will say that a man who has nothing to hide,will reassure you as he needs to and will understand your fears by getting you to talk about why you feel so,and get to the root of the issue,rather than make things worse by ignoring you.Granted,he may not be mature enough but then,neither are you as you depend on him to valiidate your feelings.If you can learn to let go of the idea that every male is out to hurt you,you can open your heart to true love.Not every male is honest,or dependable or without fault.You placed your bf on a pedestal and i'm sure he feels that he can't be the perfect male for you.Just as you make mistakes,so will he.He is allowed to be human.Imperfect.If he has your best interest and happiness as a priority,he will be back.Understand though,God brings a variety of people into our lives to gain valuable lessons for the future.Whatever will be,will be.Gather your courage and walk out into the world.Only you cococofe can make yourself happy.The bf can only enhance your world,but he can not be the only thing in it.I hope I don't offend in any way as it isn't my desire to do so.I am sharing an aspect of myself in that I once was where you are now.I hope this truly helps you to find joy in just being.
Blessings and hugs
Totally agree "Blueyedervish", i was like cococofe, when you focus too much on relationship and forgot yourself you suffer you need to have a balance in life and in my experience be ready to lose thing and people, it's a part of life
and learn to be alone as if you are not feeling comfortable alone, you wont be with someone else
Thank you star2u.
Yes we all tend to have different feelings about beinng alone.Just because we have no one at the moment,doesn't mean we have to accept the downside as negative as it can be,as the epitome of that state.Loneliness is usually brought on by fear of moving forward.The rut,so to speak,where one has no direction or hasn't tried to bring newness into one's life by going out and making oneself visible in experiencing anything different as taking a walk in the park.It doesn't have to be that way cococofe.what's the difference between being alone and me time or alone time?The difference is you choose as opposed to someone else choosing for you or cause and effect in this case.Take control of the time you gain for yourself.Enrich your spirit with anything constructive and don't spend your time worrying about a male who isn't making time for you.He pops in and out of your life because you let him.Be strong enough to say you have other plans(who cares if it's painting your toenails).Just know if you take your power back,and assert your independence from him,you will be noticed by other potential males due to that self confidence that shows.More cause and effect...Believe it or not ,there are others who see you and would love to let you shine your light in their life if only you would take a good look around.It's up to you lady,and no one else.Good luck and please keep me posted dear one.And thanks for letting me insert my opinion.
Blessings and hugs
Thank you star2u and blueyedervish. This is excellent advice. I hope that I am strong enough to take your advice and use it wisely. I can't talk right now but I will fill you in on some other things that have happened within the last few days. Oh ya my birth sign is Libra and his is Libra also. Thanks for joining our conversation blueyedervish. Talk back soon. Goodnight!!