Update--Help!



  • OK--I posted a month or so ago about a guy who was interested in me but was very blunt from the start that he wanted to be intimate--very blunt. Anyway, I gave him a clear message that I wasn't ready for that. He e-mailed me and told me that he was going to get together w/his ex-wife. For a whole week he dropped off the planet--no word from him. Then, the lady who he rents a room from came to my house. She basically said that he had made a big mistake and did I think we could start talking again. I said yes that I would talk w/him but wasn't interested in a relationship. Anyway, since the end of Nov. he has called, e-mailed, given gifts, gave a large amount of money in a Christmas card etc. I have known him about 3 months.

    His landlady acts like his mother. She strikes me as being very over-the-top. The thing that concerns me is I don't know if she is actually that concerned about him. I think it's more like getting rid of him. He has rented from her for 7 years. He left me this e-mail that said she asked him to tell me to hurry up and makeup my mind about him (he wants to marry me), so he can move-in and not have to pay her rent next month. (No these people are not on drugs.)

    And I wonder why I'm in therapy. Any suggestions. I actually like the guy but this is just too wierd for me.



  • Sounds weird to me too, Dalia!! What a difficult situation! I think the weirdest thing is the landlady's involvement. That would kill dead any chance of romance if it was me! I presume you want suggestions on how to get rid of his unwanted attention? What would I do if I was in your shoes? Umm...I would lie and say that I was very flattered by his attention but I am head over heels in love with someone else....(yes, I would make up an imaginary boyfriend...it works, I've tried it!) I would probably spin that lie to the landlady first! I wouldn't answer his emails so readily...& then answer apologising for the late reply but I'd been terribly busy etc. I wouldn't avoid him but I wouldn't spend too long in his company either!

    I normally wouldn't suggest lying but seeing as you've already told him you only want friendship, him and the landlady are being disrespectful by going on and I think that this "pretend" boyfriend approach would be a lot kinder than going all nasty.

    I wish you lots of luck!



  • Sounds like you need to have an upfront talk with the landlady. Whatever relationship you have with her tenant - be it friendship, something more intimate, or something in between - it's between you and him. Then, tell him flat-out you are not interested him in "that way". Be blunt, be pushy if needs be. Something about those two sounds not right on many levels.



  • He sounds like a very lovely man and clearly he is very devoted to you. 🙂 However, it sounds like he has some seriously unresolved issues with this 'landlady' of his! If you have not already, you simply must talk to him about this! Tell him that you are unable to focus on moving forward as a couple when clearly there are unresolved issues of the past -his past. At least mention to him it would ease you're mind if he could speak to you honestly about the relationship to date he has established with this landlady. If this is successful, you must then ask him to speak with her directly if he is intent on marrying you. It sounds she is trying to push both you and him around, despite it patently not even being any of her business! I.e., to move forward you must resolve and cut loose any ties that are currently or will potentially make you feel guilty or insecure about being with him.

    I would not judge him, despite the situation being rather weird indeed, but however I would put in every effort to see the situation with the clear aspect that both him and his landlady already share. At least then you will have a rock solid foundation to base your further decisions upon.



  • Hi Sugarpop, You are so right. This lady is very bossy. The truth of the matter is that I do have a friend. We have known each other many years (12) and we are very close. Our relationship is only friendship and will only be friendship. We were a couple but that has changed (not recently) in other words, this happened before I met this man. But, my friend likes me unconditionally and I feel the same. In other words, I would help him in any circumstance. I explained this to the one that is interested in me and he understands. PROBLEM, his landlord is telling him that I want 2 men and told him that he needed to find another place to live. So, he did find another place to live.

    You know, it's real important not to let other people run your life. This is what this lady is trying to do. She would try to drill me (ask me a bunch of questions.) She never got the answer she wanted. She wants to know when I want to marry this man, when he is going to spend the night etc., etc. I tend to go along w/what works and I am not going to dump any of my friends because of someones stupidity. Anyway, had to go to my therapist (love this guy.) He basically said if you take your time you probably have a far lesser chance of making the wrong decision. But, yes, this guy that loves me is a good person, I feel.

    I refuse to talk w/her anymore (not that I did that much, anyway.) I did ask her if she was mad at him and she said no. That it was just time for him to leave. Then she said, "Don't you talk w/him." I said, yes, but I'm asking you. She asked me again when I was going to marry him. I told her that I'm trying to get to know him. She's different.

    She has basically helped him in times of need. But, there's been bad periods also. He said that he can't take many phone calls or have anyone over in general.

    And in all honesty, I don't know if I want to marry. It's something that will take time.



  • Hi Dalia, yes I agree with your therapist. That seems to be the go, giving it time... I'm hoping you're confident that you seem to be making all the right decisions. As nice as this man sounds who you say is interested in you, I personally am not entirely sure I would let down my caution with him... I am not stating he is a worry or a threat or what not, just until you can be sure about his as well as your own intentions. It seems that he is yet still appreciating his landlady's concerns more than your own...but that is to say only from what I can understand about your situation.

    It is nice that you have such a good friend, and NO I would definitely not give that up for a partner 🙂 You have nothing to feel ashamed or feel guilty about if all you share with this man is true friendship and a concern for the other to be happy. That is a rare blessing in life and sometimes -although most often learn't the hardway- this musn't come second to a lover or a partner.

    I believe you need to be strong for yourself, and it is not you that has anything to prove but rather this fellow. If he is still so keen for marriage, it should be him answering the questions why it must happen so fast, not you. And on that note, I do not believe and I am fully against the idea of pressuring someone into marriage... I believe marriage is something both of the relationship should equally want, and should equally understand it is what they both equally want.

    Goodluck,

    x


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