Hello The Captain - Questions abound...



  • So if 2010 was "meant to be a better year for me" when will that become reality? I have experienced major loss in my life in many areas in the last year and a half, with more changes that feel like more loss in the immediate future. One question is... will Michael return to my life in the future in any form, friend or otherwise? My bd 8/16/1971, his bd 5/18/1967. How is the "weather" between us?

    Also... WHEN will I get a job????? My brain tells me by my birthday but nothing is coming up at the moment for job availability. Thanks!



  • "if 2010 was "meant to be a better year for me" when will that become reality?"

    As soon as your attitude changes. All you speak of is loss. And you expect more of it - your thoughts will indeed make that happen if you dwell on it. Turn that negativity into positivity and tell me what you have gained instead. Focus on what you have, not on what you don't have. Be grateful, not fearful or sad or disillusioned.

    At the moment you are projecting the message to the Universe that "I lose everything and everyone that comes into my life. Things are so bad for me. Nothing is coming up at the moment for job availability." The Universe hears that and answers "If that is how you always see it, then that is how it will always be for you." Whatever you give out comes back at you.

    Change begins with yourself. Change yourself and change your life.

    As to Michael, your bonds should stay intact despite neither of you being attentive enough to each other's needs when you were together. Even when physically distant, the lines of communication should stay open through the telephone, mail or text. But he won't want to come back to the same situation so you will have to work on being more empathic and deal with any issues of anger or aggression that may have arisen between you. Michael couldn't take all the emotional dramas and left to find a simpler more peaceful life. I don't see anything more than friendship left between you.



  • OK... I have a nice place to live and a wonderful son. I have friends and family who love me. I am talented and have a new degree.

    As for Michael. Here's the situation: We loved each other very much almost from the moment we laid eyes on each other. But... he could not let go of his past. His ex wife came back into his life and apologized (after 3 years of divorce). They have two children - I started to feel last summer that he was meant to have another child and "finish what he started" with her. I saw the reunion coming even when he did not. It came to fruition recently when she said that she feels that they should be together because "God ordained it and they have children and God hates divorce so they should be together." He took it hook, line, and sinker, but he is a wonderful father and what father wouldn't want to give it a go if he thought there was possibly a chance and he could be there everyday instead of paying child support?

    Only one month after we stopped seeing each other, he is engaged to remarry her. We are not communicating at all. In fact, he could not even tell me goodbye and I don't understand why except that maybe he thinks I could be a fall back so he didn't want to cut it off and say the words. The problem is that when we start communicating it flows straight into "relationship" mode no matter how much either of us fights it. He said that he felt "he had to do this for the kids to take care of them" and I understand that. But I still feel real love between us. We both truly want the other to be happy. But honestly, I feel so strongly that their relationship is based on partnership to raise the kids and not true love. I know this from the experience I had with him, conversations, actions, etc. How could it be when we were still very much together and seeing each other only a month before?

    We never fought. Never disagreed. We were attentive, though I was more attentive than him for the latter part when he was being pulled by her. Yes there was drama but not because of us, it was because of his life - ex wife, children, job issues, living with his older sister who tried to control his life and didn't want him to be with me, and finally being a caretaker for his mother who has dementia. I did not cause any drama. Rather, I allowed him to be the man he wanted to be - for good or bad - and my home was a safe haven and a sanctuary for him to come and relax.

    I am a sensitive myself and can in fact see things and situations, but when it comes to my own I am still learning to discern actuality versus my personal hopes/dreams/prayers/wishes. However... I get the number 2-3 coming up a LOT as to the time period before there will be contact. I believe that he will search me out in a few years when things start to go awry. She is a negative energy. Her face smiles but her inside is dark, dark, dark. She made my stomach hurt and I felt anger around her from the first time I met her (I am divorced myself, I have no problem dealing with ex's so that was not the issue). She did not like that he was happy with me and didn't like it even more that her children liked me so much.

    I am working on positivity. I am working on sending out positivity to the universe. I am searching and searching everywhere for a job truly. I have expanded my search area even into the area where he resides just in case a good job comes open. Yesterday was his birthday. I wished him well in prayer and sent him love and light and lit a candle for him and his children.

    I truly do love him. I want him to come back to my life but not until he learns whatever it is he must, and the same for me. I want to be strong for that time, because if I am not and he returns to my life then we could end up in a cycle that would not be healthy. I will not reach out to him. Not as long as she is in his life in the capacity of a partner. There is simply too much between us. I know it, it's there always. Bottom line... I miss my friend. Of course I miss my lover, but I can live without that. But the loss of the friendship is devastating.

    Now that I've given you more, perhaps you may have more insight.



  • There is nothing wrong with him putting his kids before you. He knows they need him more than you do. I don't feel he will ever put you before them until they are at least of adult age. His family will always draw him back. If you can't even be just friends, then cut it off completely and move on. A half-relationship is no real relationship at all.



  • It is devastating to me to lose this friendship for no reason at all. I accept that he has to do this for the children. I feel that this is cruelty of the highest nature to feel like I wasted a year and a half of my life and love on him and two children. It feels all wrong... the entire thing. I do not know if I can convey this feeling. I am almost 40 years old, I have been divorced twice myself. Funny enough, my ex husband came back into my life at the exact same time as his ex wife came back into his. I feel like I was supposed to go through the same thing to understand. The thing is... I do not love my ex husband and my son is 18 and therefore I have no other reason to try to put the marriage back together. I know that to try to put it back together would end in disaster and unhappiness again... There are reasons why we are divorced.

    So are you giving me man advice, or a reading of some type? It's already cut off but I am miserable. I take a step forward and then get shoved back down by more news that my family seems intent on sharing with me.



  • It may be cut off but you are still hoping for him to come back. And as long as you do so, no one else can come into your life.

    Stop being a victim and acknowledge that it is not the fault of some random acts of fate that things in your life have happened to you. We all have more power than that. You have made your choices yourself which have lead to the results you have seen. If you want your life to change, acknowledge that you have the power to change it. But you must first know what it is you really want. If everything you have chosen to allow into your life has made you unhappy, can they really have been the things you wanted and were best for you?



  • Also you need to find healthy outlets for all that anger and frustration that is bubbling up inside of you. I can feel it coming out at me which means you are totally misdirecting it. Either work it off through some hard exercise and yelling or direct it at those you feel are causing it. Either way, it has to be released or it will impact on your health.

    There is also a lot of anger at yourself for getting into these situations over and over again. You need to forgive yourself and everyone else and move on from your anger because it's unproductive and harmful. Instead of getting upset, sit down somewhere quiet and try to figure out why you keep getting into hurtful situations. Look for a pattern of wrong thinking or behaviour on your part. Did you learn when young that bad relationships are 'normal' or are you punishing yourself for some reason? Are you attracted to the wrong people and jobs?



  • I am not angry at you. I am looking for solace anywhere I can find it. Yes, my life has been hurtful from the beginning. Yes, I have felt abandoned all along the way - those who were supposed to love me and protect me did not. I have always had to pull myself up. But I am tired. I realize that I have tremendous worth but I do not want another person to make me promises only to break them. The fact is that this always happens. With the last relationship, I decided to release all my old ways of being selfish and demanding and let him be the man he wanted to be. He was wonderful and then his ex wife started manipulating him using the children as bait. I knew it was coming, tried to fight it, gave up, only for him to continue to chase me. Then the day came when I told him to choose me or her and that I loved him and the children very much but wanted them to be happy. He didn't even tell me goodbye.

    Do you see why I am devastated? A promise of a new life with two children in it... then one day it disentegrates through no fault of my own. I can't blame him for wanting his children which I think is why my anger is held inside. I can understand - if my own son was young I would probably be seriously considering repairing my last marriage too. But that would be wrong in the end also...

    Yes I know that I need to look at myself. I have been working with counselors and religious assistance for some time. I have explanations for some things, but it's like no matter what I do or don't do, say or don't say, it all comes out the same. I am at a mid life crisis I think and all I want to do is drop this life and move far far away where I have no reminders. Two years ago I moved back to me and the very last thing I want to do is invite another relationship into my life.

    When I sit down in a quiet place the tears won't stop so I keep running and running and running all the time but when it comes time to sleep I can't sleep either. When I do I have vivid dreams. I sense him around me a lot and I try to put myself in the bubble to keep him out but it still comes in.



  • This is not about other people and how they have behaved - it is about you and why you have made the choices you have. Stop blaming others and forgive them if they behaved badly. If you are honest, you must admit you have also made mistakes so don't condemn others for doing the same thing. Take responsibility for your life and then you will understand you have the power over it.

    "all I want to do is drop this life and move far far away where I have no reminders" - this is something you must do in your mind first before your body ie. move away and on from this in your mind and feelings. Why are you choosing to cling to your pain and bitterness? That doesn't make you happy. Start all over again with a fresh outlook and forgive the past - don't dwell in or on it or it will torment you to your grave. Move into the present.

    You are drawing the same set of childhood issues - wondering if you are loved, needing attention, and being abandoned - into your present life because it is all you know. Recognise that you don't have to keep repeating old thought and behaviour patterns and break out of your destructive cycle of living. Make your own happiness - other people are not here to do that for you. Take up your power.



  • Agreed...

    But I miss him and the children so, but love them and want them to be happy. It's a very sad shame. That is a human fact. I am very sensitive and empathetic and put a lot of time and love into these three people.

    Maybe I'll take up kick boxing.



  • Oh, and this just happened so the sting is very fresh... very.



  • Unfortunately Michael finds it hard to cut his ties with people from his past. Feelings of guilt will keep him returning to his wife and kids. So, even if he came back to you for a while, you would be put through all the gut-wrenching loss when he once again left you for them. And so on and so on...



  • Yes he does have difficulty leaving the past behind. It was like he felt like going on with his personal life was somehow abandoning his children despite the wonderful relationship we had. He could not see how to fit me in because of his guilt feelings about his ex wife. Who by the way I had nothing to do with that issue it was long "over" when we met.

    However I have this feeling that I have also been slotted into the category of people from the past that he can't let go of, so one day he'll be back in my life. He refused to let me go even when I tried to let him on December 1st. I wrote him the most beautiful letter and told him that I realized what I needed to do for him despite how I felt and that he was free but I would always love him and I wanted him to be happy. He chased me down and we continued to date through the end of March.

    I have accepted that the lover part is probably over forever but it bothers me that I have lost my friend through no fault of my own whatsoever. I accept that life goes as according to a plan but we also have free will. I have myself gone through events in my life that completely changed my perspective. My two ex husbands, who at the time I could not ever see being gone from my life or my personal feelings, both did things that killed my love for them. When they both pushed me to my emotional limit I let them go and realized that I deserved to be happy and was not abandoning them. I deserved a happy life and it would be without them and I could incorporate another man and that was ok.

    I always felt like Michael found me, but he didn't expect to find real love and tried to run from it but couldn't. He could not tell me goodbye and that bothers me. He could have handled the situation with me so much differently but he kept coming after me. I let him because I love him. I kept praying that he would find a way to move forward with me as an addition to the parenting team so to speak. But her pull was very strong. Very jealous for his happiness and now she is what I refer to as "God squad" and already I know that this is not something that he is in to like she is.

    I suppose that I already know what will happen but in the meantime I'm hurting so. I love children and can't have anymore. I feel the paiin of the loss of the children very deeply too. This is a pain that I never experienced and don't want it again ever. It's sad to realize this... that I will not allow myself to get involved in a relationship again when it involves children, yet I can't have any more of my own. I so wanted more children in my life but after this there is no way I will allow my heart to be involved with a man's children. I was so happy when I learned that this man had two young daughters seeing as though I have a son who is 18 and leaving home soon.

    I know for sure that one day he will search me out. He will apologize. Beyond that I can't say because I can't discern my own desires from actual information that I get. I do know that when others from my past finally searched me out and apologized I felt a gigantic sense of healing once that happened. I hope one day to hear his voice again telling me he is so sorry for hurting me. Today now that I finally slept, I know that I need to move forward, I do not want to get involved with another man for quite some time, and I can focus on a new job and redecorating my apartment or even moving to a new one.

    If you have any more messages about the future on this one please do share, I appreciate your time on this one. I feel like my entire life is going through a death process. I know that rebirth is on the other side but this is such a dark night of the soul for me.



  • Do you really need to wait for people to apologise to you for healing and moving on to occur? That implies you cannot forgive others until they are sorry for what they did. But then you might carry grievances around for the rest of your life if everyone doesn't apologise. In your life you have allowed people to have way more power over you than they or you deserves. Time to see how great Ladycdf can be on her own, without needing other people to justify her existence or make her feel good.

    Your need to have children in your life comes form the fact that your own inner child has felt neglected and unloved for a long time. Nurture yourself and then you won't need anyone else to do it for you.



  • It is difficult for me to completely heal when I have been hurt yes. I have always been this way. Apologies are of great comfort to me it would appear, particularly when I have been in a very emotionally charged situation. I don't "need to wait". I don't wait, it's just that when the apologies come it seems to lift a lot of hurt. It's happened many times before. I suppose maybe it's a feeling of vindication maybe.

    I would say that the desire for children comes from me wanting to have a large family and having a strong motherly urge. I never really dealt with the fact that I can no longer have children until my divorce and I started my new life single again. It was only during my relationship with Michael that it really hit home very hard that in fact I can never, ever have a child with a man ever again. I love children and wanted to have more young ones in my life. That's all.



  • If you need others to vindicate you, it means that deep down you can't forgive yourself.

    And when people say they love children, there is so much more involved than simply that. What is it that having children around you makes you feel?



  • And when you say you have always been this way, you make it sound like that is set in stone forever. Change is always possible - we just have to want it. Do you really want to change or do you enjoy hanging onto your bitterness?



  • I grew up on a big family. I wanted to have more children but my health prevented it. So I am very disappointed. I am a great mom. I volunteered many years with the Boy Scouts. I enjoy working with children and being a parent. It's something that I know I am very good at. My son is happy and well adjusted. I wanted to have more.

    Of course I do not enjoy being unhappy. But the fact is I've been hurt so very deeply. I love Michael and miss him and the children very much and know that he is not truly in love with his ex wife. I know that he will encounter the same situations with her that lead to their divorce in the first place. I realize that really it's not "my business" and he is making a choice but even as a friend I would advise against this because I know what is going to happen.

    Please don't forget... I am heartbroken. I am human and I am very emotional and I have my own empathic abilities. The knowing part of this is haunting me. Change... I would love to change this entire situation so that I don't feel so much loss. I do not want to lose these people from my life forever.



  • So you want children to keep from being lonely. And I see that what you really want here is comfort and sympathy, not advice. That's fine. People here are good listeners and as you pour out your grief and pain, you may release it for good.

    I am not forgetting you are heartbroken. But I also want you to know that you have the strength and courage to get through this trial.



  • I do want advice. But in this case surely as is human nature I am looking for solace in the storm. I don't agree that I want children to not be lonely. I am a great mom. I enjoyed the job very much but now I still feel the "mommy" inside but my son is way past mommying. I may find a way to volunteer working with kids again. They are, after all, out future. We need to raise them up to be fine upstanding citizens so that they are good stewards for our planet. I am a great mom.

    I have strength... I am so very tired and just can't seem to accept this complete loss.