Can't get him out of my head..

  • Hi, I'm new here:-) I thought i'd jump in at the deep end here so this is going to be kind of long but I feel like it's the only way I can explain. Bullet points never seem to accurately describe how i'm feeling.

    I work in boring job and I have a boring life. A few friends, not a huge social life, extremely shy to the point of social phobia at times. No self confidence.

    A co-worker left last year so another guy came in and I ended up working with him a few times a week, mostly when it was just the two of us. I'd met him before as his uncle owns the company so we'd worked together once or twice a few years previous. We hadn't talked a lot though so I didn't know much about him.

    My job isn't one that requires concentration, it's basically 'deal with the customer' and read a paper or chat to who you're working with so there's lots of down time. This guy and I started talking and found we had a lot in common; music, books, films, life in general. Suddenly work had become fun. I used to wake up and look forward to it and, stupidly, I never thought anything of it. Days passed so quickly when we worked together. We'd end up laughing to the point of tears, drink too much coffee, make mp3 playlists and generally get our job done while having fun. That's all it was for a while. We were co-workers who got along brilliantly but never saw each other outside of work or anything and I didn't even think of it.

    One day he got hold of my mobile number so we started texting stupid jokes or comments when we weren't working with one another. They were infrequent.

    A few months passed and things were pretty much the same. The more we got to know each other, the better we got along. One day he texted and mentioned a band we liked were playing in the city but he did it in such a way that I didn't think it was an invitation, merely a statement to let me know they were playing in case I wanted to go. I asked a friend to go with me, so she and her partner came along. Me and the guy had made no plans to meet up so my friends and I wandered in and got drinks and sat down. Soon after the guy appeared and sat down beside me and we spent a few hours shouting in each others ears (it was loud!). It was the first time I thought about us being friends and realised that we probably were. I figured maybe we got along in the work setting but we'd run out of things to say without the prompt of the workplace environment. I was wrong.

    A few weeks later he mentioned that his band were playing a 'farewell show' and said I had to come. I asked who was leaving and he said that he was.

    A bit of background on him is necessary here. He went to Uni in another country (about an hour by plane away) and had lived in the same city afterwards. He was trying to get a job but it hadn't worked out so he came home for a while to make some money and work out what he was going to do. I knew all of this but he never mentioned going back much so I forgot about it.

    When he said that he was leaving I found that I couldn't actually speak. My mind had gone blank. I had geniunely never thought about him 'in that way', and there I was, feeling utterly sick and sad at the thought of him leaving. I've never felt that way before and had no idea how to deal with it so I just didn't say anything other than 'yes, i'll go see your band'.

    After that it was all I could think about. I literally couldn't get him out of my head for more than 5 minutes. Then a girl I work with started making strange comments about how they'd love a 'company wedding' (no co-workers had ever started dating or got married before) and then segued immediately into asking me what I thought of this guy. Talked him up, asked me if I liked him ('do you not think he's lovely?' etc..) and I didn't answer. Just blushed profusely and ignored her. I just didn't understand why she was asking me to begin with.

    The day of the gig rolled around and I went with this girl and a few others from work. The guy was brilliant (singer/songwriter so it was mostly him and his guitar with his friends joining in occasionally) and I became a little more enamoured of him. The girl who had been asking me if I liked him had gotten super drunk so I took the opportunity to grill her and she told me some story about the guy's friends once telling him a girl liked him so he gave her a valentines card but it turned out his friends had been playing a trick on him so he felt he could never put himself out there like that again. It made no sense to me at the time. She was rambling.

    Anyway, everyone was congratulating him afterwards, hugs and such. I'm not an overtly tactile person so I just stood awkwardly, watching as my co-workers hugged the life out of him. We said goodbye and that was that.

    We had one more day left working with each other after that. It was an awful day even though he gave me a present (a thank you for borrow dvds etc. he said). We went for drinks that night (4 of us) and we talked for hours but eventually had to say goodbye properly. I gave him a hug (which I never do) and said i'd miss him. That was that.

    I got a text the next day from one of my co-workers saying that the guy had told her after i'd left that he really liked me. She said that we'd be good together. The other co-worked texted me and said almost the same thing. I seemed to be the only one who noticed that he was leaving and how I felt didn't matter anymore.

    I didn't hear from him on the day he left until i'd gotten home and checked my email. He wrote a rather long one about how he was dreading leaving, how little money he had..every day complaints. Then at the end of the message, he said he would miss the fun we had working together and to stay in touch and that if things didn't work out he might be back sooner than planned. For the first time since my Grandma passed away, I cried. Not sobbing just uncontrollable tears. I shocked myself. I'm not an overtly emotional person. Probably a bit repressed. I know how I feel but I have severe trouble expressing it.

    That was in May. He's been back a few times since as he couldn't find a job and needed money for rent but it was never for long. We'd go out for a drink each time and act like nothing was different but each time saying goodbye got a little harder. We never lost touch in between, texting constantly, emailing, online games and chatting a few times but that emotion has always been lingering in the background, never mentioned.

    I get angry at him sometimes. It's irrational. Sometimes i'm annoyed at him for telling other people how he feels about me, but not me. Other times i'm grateful he didn't because would we still be friends? He lives so far away that we wouldn't be able to be together.

    My problem is that I don't know how to let it go. I've never been in love before, but i'm pretty sure i'm in love with him. Is it possible to let go of something like that, if it's reciprocated, but never expressed? It just feels so unfinished and up in the air. I tried cutting off contact but it never lasts more than a few days. I don't like my life without him in it. As I said, I don't bond with people easily. I get along with him better than I do my oldest friend! He's a fantastic guy. From a good family. He's a lovely guy. Funny, warm, polite, intelligent, talented, sweet etc.. He drives me up the wall sometimes and we argue but we never get mad at one another, not really. We're both sagittarian.

    It's just a mess. I'm sorry this has been so long and I don't blame anyone for not bothering to read it. I suppose it's just a boring run of the mill story but it's all so new to me.

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  • OK, listen...You can not be mad at him for not telling you his feelings when he does tell others, you are doing the same thing only you're not telling anyone but yourself and the thousands of people who will read this post. Why would you want to cut him out of your life, it sounds like you both are great together. Take a chance, tell him how you feel. If it pushes you farther apart (losing his friendship) it should not really matter since you are ready to cut ties anway. If it pushes you closer together, then you go from there.

    Now pull yourself together, get off the fence, and go for it!!!

  • Hi, After reading your post, you sound quite a lot like me. It's great to have friends. Even if he's just a friend that you can share things together--like thoughts. You both sound like your in limbo as far as jobs. Yours is boring, he's exploring. If I had to read between the lines, he is still trying to find his "place." Maybe if he finds it, ya'lls relationship will have more definition. I have found that following your gut instinct is best. I would remain friends and I wouldn't jump into anything. You sound like a smart person. I hope that he finds something that he is truly interested in (as far as work.) I think that is what he is seeking and I think he is smart for it. Remain friends, I think he appreciates this.

  • Hi, you sound a lot like me. I am a young woman in college, and slowly, but surely, I am beginning to feel more about a good friend of mine. Right now, we don't spend much time together, because both of us are very busy most of the time, and I am sort of trying to avoid getting hurt again. I honestly think the guy I think I am falling in love with is a good person, but right now we are just good friends. I haven't known him very long, but when I am with him, I feel like I have known him my whole life. He is a really sweet guy, but he just broke up with a girlfriend he had in high school, and I kind of feel like maybe he isn't interested in me that way. I am a pretty shy person, and don't show my feelings much, but the more I am around him, the more happiness, and respect and so many good feelings, I get. I feel like even though it seems like he might like me, and a lot of people think we would be good together, I feel like I shouldn't take the risk in trying to have a further relationship with him. I feel this way, because I don't want to lose him, I don't want him to be out of my life forever, because he does seem like such a wonderful person.

    Anyways, what I am trying to say is, you seem to be a lot like me. I think maybe you don't want to ask him because maybe you just want him to be in your life forever. I feel like maybe you would rather have him in your life and only be friends than lose him completely by taking the chance and having the possibility of losing him. It honestly seems like he really likes you, and the two of you are good together, but I can see why it is hard for you to choose whether or not to take a chance at furthering this relationship past friendship. Maybe, considering you have known him for so long, maybe if you really want to have a relationship with him, past friendship, maybe now is the right time to ask. Alhough it is completely up to you- you have the choice to take the risk and have the possibility of a better relationship or not take the risk and feel comforted in knowing you will be at least friends with him for a long time. I honestly feel, though, that this may be a real case of true love, and in order to reach full potential, risks must be taken sometimes. All in all, though, it is completely your choice and whatever feels right to you is what you must do, I would say, weigh the benefits vs the risks and see which one outweighs the other, and make your decision based on that. Good luck.

    : )

  • OMG, you would sacrifice your happiness for a moment of your own stupidity not telling him how you feel...tut tut tut. next time you speak, tell him how you feel, say you dont know how to interpret your own feelings but you sure as hell want to spend more time with him in more of a dating way to see how things go. Tell him you dont think youve ever been in love before and you think you have strong feelings for him but you want to see what happens and if all goes well...wahay...if not then you would just accept a friendship and enjoy the time you had together. If this guy is as great as you say then he will understand and hopefully you will be dating soon xxx

  • them last xxx were kisses and the other ones was the word... h 3 l l

  • It sounds to me as if you are doing exactly what you are accusing him of doing. My advice, take the bull by the horns so to speak. Tell him how you feel. At this point what have you got to lose?

  • Go for it..tell him how you feel !!!

  • I think this situation shows alot of promise of a beautiful relationship that could develop from a golden friendship.

    Some of us fear of acting on 'making the next step' with a friend, for in case we lose that friend. However you have described a friendship in which you both care deeply for each other, and a shared passion between you both for each other is also evident.

    My advice to you is that you need to bring it up with him, love is sometimes a risk you must take. I can almost guarrantee he will not take offense or react negatively, but he will probably share what you are currently feeling. Do not wait too long, if you can not talk to him asap, then you should email him, outlining clearly how you feel -do ensure you do not come across as too forcefull or serious, however. Simply state what you feel you must and in doing so leave characterisitcs of the joyous friendship you already share.

    I believe you have a real shot at happy future with him, if you can muster the courage to not just talk to him, but to tell YOURSELF that you 'want' to take things further with him.

    Good luck,


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