Brian Tristan - question for you
It can be whatever you want it to be, with one caveat, what are you willing to sacrifice? Also, it is also going to be a question of, and this is looking at it this as a partnership, how much work is he going to be willing to put into it. Couples counseling is going to be a must, in order for this relationship to remain intact and not slip back into deterioration.
It will have to start as friends, regardless on where the relationship heads (friends, or back to a full fledged marriage). So, coffee is a good place to start. Just take it slow, and over time present what the two of you are going to need to do to rebuild it.
Very good Katie, you spelled out the situation very well, and even analyzed it with some great insights. You have it all laid out, and you really have it all figured out, you are just to close to the trees to see the forest.
First, your relationship is a secret. The whys of that are complex aren't they? Perhaps not so much though. You broke up with your long time boyfriend, and immediately you and this guy are together, so the strictly platonic nature of your e-mails and meet up with each other is simply not so, what was going on inside both of you was way more than that. And the resolution of your relationship with the long time boyfriend took time; plane ticket, moving possessions, getting that tidied up. And the sleeping together happened pretty quick, you did have the build up of the "platonic dating" of course, but as far as actually being together, it happened quick, but the desire to was long in coming.
So, you are left with this... you guys built a relationship behind everyone's backs, and it is still a secret. He feels incredibly guilty, you do not at all as your relationship with the longtime boyfriend was actually over long ago. But the new guy was your sounding board, so he feels guilty, and he also see you as hopping from rock to rock like a frog afraid of going into the water, and it makes him wonder about you. "Did she only break up with him cause she had somewhere else to jump to?" And I see that as being partially the case. How much longer would the longtime boyfriend thing dragged on if you would have had to been alone in the wake of the breakup? So there is the first two things, guilt, and being unsure about you, "will you do it to him?" When things get rocky with him and you at some point, will you secretly e-mail and meet with someone to bitch about him about? And, "he was complacent in this, he helped make it happen."
I could go through the rest of everything, but you already know, or will be able to see it yourself shortly. The question at this point is, what do you need to do about all of this? Really, you need to go back to e-mailing, and going out, like you did when it was "platonic" and start to build it up. The secrecy will need to go eventually, but do not force it yet. Before you do that you need to do a lot of talking, and no action for the time being. You are very desirable to him physically, but you need to have many long heart to heart conversations first. You need to explain yourself, the truth will do just fine by the way, and he needs to explain himself also. This is the path forward, the only path forward to a relationship. Once you two have done that, and worked out whatever issues you guys have created, then it will be time to drop the cloak of secrecy, and let it be known that you two are at least dating. Once all that is ironed out, once he feels a lot more secure with you, then you will get the intimacy you desire, and that will lead back into the bedroom. This is all going to take some time and some work Katie, this is actually kind of a mess, and I think you know that. The "Cancer Guy", "shell time" thing is all a ruse at this point, you both have things you must answer for to each other before you get into birthchart compatibility, or anything like that. Use your head, deal with what is right before you, and do not sidetrack your self with his zodiac sign, not at this point at least.
BRIAN TRISTAN, I WRITE IN BIG LETTERS AS I CAN'T SEE SMALLER PRINT VERY GOOD.
QUESTION: DOES JON BORN FEB.03, 1939 AT ORLANDO, FLORIDA AT 8:22 A.M. REALLY LOVE ME? I WAS BORN FEB. 23, 1933 AT OCALA, FLORIDA AT 12:30 A.M. WE ARE BEST FRIENDS AND I WONDER IF HE CARES FOR ME AS MUCH AS HE SAYS HE DOES? WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD FOR US? SASSYLADY223
Brian he aleady said that he is fine and he doesnt need counseling and he wont go with me. he doesnt want any woman in his life. do you see us even going out for coffee or to the movies as friends.
I dont think that he has many friends I think I am his only friend after 17 years I really dont want to throw this away Will he ever ask me out. I dont think he will be giving me a 2nd chance (even though everyone gets a second chance) Please tell me what is going on and what to do? Does he love me in his own way? Is he interested in me at (deep down inside more than friends)least? Please answer me
Hello again Brian Tristan. I was wondering if you can tell me if you see me moving this Summer? If Yes, when (what month) will this occur?
Also, I was wondering if you see my finances improving? If Yes, when (what month ) will this occur?
I am so in need of a change, I know that if I move, I can get my mind completely off of my EX.
The only thing that is holding me back, is the financial aspect of it.
Thanks In Advance
Honey you can not tie your own self worth up with someone that has no idea what he is doing from one hour to the next, that is a very bad idea.
I acknowledge that you have decades tied up in this relationship, I understand completely, I know where you are coming from, and I know what you are saying. But please, please, take care of yourself, if you do that then things in all aspects of your life with begin to flow much better, and with relative ease. And really, it is about time for that for you.
He is a mess, you know that, he needs his very own counseling, you also know that. It is unfortunate that the people that need it are the very ones who will not go to counseling.
I do see you going for coffee, and spending time together, yes. But that is not going to happen before you begin to take care of yourself, once you do that you will be a very interesting person, not just to him, but to many people. He might ask if you got a new hair cut, or you have a new outfit on, it will be that noticeable.
You are very worthy of a second chance, more so than most anybody, but he would need to straighten himself out for it to be worth your while. You are willing to live with him being as he is, and that is your choice, and is very generous. He does indeed love you in his own way, and is indeed interested in you in his own way. It will all go back to you taking care of yourself, and being happy with yourself that will bring his interest, like you want, back to you. However, the more you concentrate on him, the more you will repel him. So focus on yourself.
I know this sounds like torture, but when we are self confident, not cocky, not self absorbed, but self confident, we tend to give off a positive energy, and therefore attract positive things and people. This is not new age garbage, this is simple physics, simple chemistry, and simple biology. The little engine who thought it could, could. It is simple, straight forward, and is in practice work and hard. The rewards of doing this are unmeasurable though. You can do psycho babble, and various forms of mind manipulation, but that is all success comes down to, getting your mind right, getting your self esteem right, then good things follow.
Hi Brian - may I ask you a differnt question - off the topic of my almost exhusband, my divorce, etc.? I have , or had a friend. I thought he was getting to be a good friend. Before Christmas we would talk weekly or more from maybe 10:30 AM to 1:30 or 2 or even 3 AM. I knew he had a girlfriend. I wasn't sure if she lived with him because he was talking to me a lot. HE would tell me things other people thoug about my husband, he talked about his own divorce, his exwife, his kids - BUT NEVER HIS GF. Well after The end of January, he withdrew. I sent him perhaps too many emails trying to get in touch with him and also because I wanted to ask him for some financial advice. I had to meet him at a job site to return a tool. I gave him a small present - an american indian medicine bag that I made. He seemed to like it. Later that week he called and asked if I would write a testimonial letter for him. I did that and again I dropped it off at his jobsite. This was the end of February.
2 weeks into March he calls me and goes on a tirade about the "voodoo" bag I had given him and how he didn't want this negative energy in his possession. Then he went on and on about my barrage of emails (note I had not sent him an email since maybe the first or second day of March) He wanted to know WHAT MY INTENTIONS WERE - DID I THINK THAT HE and I were going to be in a relationship and why was I pushing him away. How he had lived with his girlfirend for 5 years and how he loved her, blah blah blah. How his girlfriend would read these emails I sent him and how she found this medicine baf and looked inside it. (Alll there was were some stones and herbs and an arrowhead - but she apparently found "something else) He said he really really liked me. WE would always be friends, etc. etc. Actually, I wasn't so upset about finding out that his girlfriend lived with him but the way he treated the medicine bag as something evil - which it was not.. ALso, a friend of his had committed suicide the week previously so he went on to talk about that. I gave him 3 weeks to "cool off", called him and he was harsh with me. Perhaps between then and now, I sent him one text and maybe one very short voice message. I figured, once his girlfriend got off his case, we could still be friends.
But yesterday. my husband said that he said my friend told him that I had given him some "crystals" and when he refused to take the gift, I "started to pursue him and sent him a bunch of emails" anyway that's the way it came out of my husbands mouth which may not be quite right. SO now here I am, I was upset that my friend let someone else read what I wrote and tell him that something I gave him was something it was not - but then he tried to cover his tracks by telling my husband this so now he can "confirm" that I am "crazy" I guess. My husband doesn't care one way or the other. He would be glad if I found someone else I think. But my friend really misread my intentions, my need for a friend and my gift to him which was supposed to bring him luck. Do you think I am right in supposing that his GF is very possessive and has him on sort of a leash and that really - he would never be able to be friends with another female because her jealousy would always override.
I am just sort of sad because I thought I had a real friend and I haven't had one in many years. I feel betrayed. I don't know what my husband treally old him, it could have been nothing, or it could have been something like "Yeah, she's manic depressive crazy nutcase".
Thanks for your thoughts. TD
YES I THINK JON DOES INDEED CARE FOR YOU AS MUCH AS HE SAYS. WHAT DO YOU PERCEIVE AS BEING A PROBLEM? I DO NOT SEE ANYTHING PROBLEM WISE. AND I CERTAINLY SEE YOU TWO AS COMPANIONS IN THE FUTURE, AND I SUPPOSE THAT WILL BE WHATEVER THE TWO OF YOU WANT IT TO BE. MAKE SURE YOU TALK TO HIM ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT, AND FIND OUT WHAT HE WANTS. COMMUNICATION IS KEY IN TAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM TO THE NEXT LEVEL, AS WHAT YOU HAVE NOW IS PRETTY WONDERFUL.
GOD BLESS, AND BEST WISHES
Whoa. Now you want to move? I do not see you as having to move to get your mind off of your ex, or to improve your finances.
If you want you can move, if you really think it will help you. Only you know the answer to this.
Your finances will improve as the year goes on, no specific month for some huge improvement, just steady and slow improvement, regardless of where you are living.
tristan is latin based. we just had that in my class. hahaha.
tristan, i didnt have a chance to look through all the posts, but ive gathered that you answer questions... well...
me and my, uh, ill just say boyfriend for now cuz i have no idea what we are right now...
well 2 days ago he told me he needed space and that he did love and care for me but he was really confuseedd and needed to figure stuff out. that it didnt mean we would never be together again, but like maybe one day we would cross paths. he is under some pressures, graduating high school and his band and job and stuff. but its killing me. he sais he doesnt want to hurt me. and he sais all this stuff but i cant tell if hes tellin me the truth. and i really wish i knew if he would come back to me, because i am deeply connected with him, and he said he felt the same for me. he said that he wouldnt just say "i love you" to anyone, and that i am the first. he sais that i am important to him, but again i cant tell if hes just saying that to soften the blow or what. but, i know he does... love me. somewhere... friends around me tell me to give him time(which i have no choice at anyway) and that he loves me but he thinks i will interfere with his lifeplans (other ppls words, not his).... he had done this before once less than a month ago b ut thirty minutes after he did it the first time he called me back begging for me back... i know this may be something stupid to come to you with, but i am absolutely at loss, and i dont know whats going on.... he is someone so important, it doesnt matter how many fish in the sea there are, hes the one that ive ever been the closest to. in a couple days would have been our 10 months... i dunno how to generate a specific question, so im hoping maybe you can work with this? i just need some guidance, or a view point to see whats going on. i need to understand whats going on..
will you help me?
also he said hes confused about everything. but i dont even know if we are broken up completely or just taking a break or on hold or what.
I think that you want a relationship, a real one, and you need to decide with who.
If you want to save your marriage, then put your energy there, and try to get something of a dialouge going with him.
This whole thing with the other guy was basically an internet affair for you and him, that is why he is upset. Well he got busted, that is why he is upset. He would have played some more, but yes his girlfriend caught on, and then some. She has every right, never mind she lives with him, to what him to be faithful, and not diverting his attention on some other female.
If you want a real relationship, then get one going with your husband if that is possible. If not, find someone you can build one with, someone who is not attached. But really, you have unfinished business with your husband before you can start anything new, that is of value anyway. In order for something to last, it must be built on a firm foundation.
hi BrianTristan! first of all thanks for your answer and opinion. i feel the need for answering to some of your comments.
first about the secrecy of our relationship. basically it is not only secret because of my exbf. he used to go out shortly with a girl from the group and though it was not a huge, loving relationship, the girl is a bit obsessed with him and he particularly did not want this girl to know about us either. cause he thought/thinks that the girl would freak out and it would ruin the group of friends as it is now.
you say that he feels increcibly guilty and that i don't. that is not the case. i DO FEEL very guilty till today. i mean think about it, he was only an aquaintance of my ex (cause i cant call their relation as really friends) but i lived with my ex for 5 years, he was my first real big love and i went through with him thick and thin. i know exactly why he had his issues that reflected and later ruined our relationship. the new guy (let's call him A from now on) did exactly know what my ex did to me, till an extend that my ex once told me that he hopes i die and rot in h-ell... he basically even started to HATE my ex for all this and he told it is not normal that i endure that much. but back to this topic, i do feel guilty. and even before we got together, but our cards were already on the table concerning how we feel towards each other, i told him this. i told him that i struggled with my feelings towards him (A) a lot, cause i know that he knows my ex and that we belong to the same circle of friends and that it is so complex and it is in a way not fair, and i tried to push these feelings away from myself, but it only worked for some short periods and then i was back at being attracted to him.
i was the one who asked him at the beginning: "and how long will be living in secret now?" and he told me: "for very long". i did express him already later that i really truly hate this situation of being in secret. and he said he does it too, but for him it is all worth, as long as he has me...
i agree that the sleeping together happened too fast, i do regret that already, but it did happen and it had basically a very long period of longing for each other, so somehow i think it was quite unavoidable.
yes, he did see me "hopping from rock to rock" but he also has to know that i am not really like that. first of all as i said, he knew what a guilt i had for all of this as he was the one who supported me on this when i was really down and he told me that i did way too much already for a guy who did not appreciate me enough and that i am a fantastic woman and i should not feel guilty cause all i do is for my own happiness finally.
otherwise he did tell me more times that he does not one to be the one who destroys my relationship and who takes me away, for whom i break up.
and i told him that of course i am attracted to him, but he is only someone who might speed up things a bit, but otherwise the relationship was dead way before he appeared, i just gave it too many more chances. i told him that he should not think he breaks up my relationship, as however good and great a person is, no one is able to ruin a relationship where there is love (even with problems) and where people give each other what the other needs.
so i explained him before that i am not breaking up because of him.
and he could see that i was determined also from the fact, that he LEFT ME at the very toughest part of the break up. he was there, supported me when it started and then just stepped out of my life... and i was very alone and really frustrated, with no positivity from outside and i still went through with it, alone. i could have stepped back then and stay with my ex, but i did not. and i thought then that i lost A, still i went through with it, cause i knew it is better for me to stay alone than in a bad relationship.
it is also a bit weird to say that he felt/feels guilty and he did not want to break us up. maybe he does not wanna take the responsibility for taking part in it... but honestly, he did start to e-mail me, he did start flirting with me, and he did start to tell me things that made it clear that he is into me... i tried to push him away, but he came back strong... so he did have a part in it. which is not bad at all, im greatful for it, but just to be clear, we were two in this, it was not me who did it alone and him being the innocent bystander...
you talk about lack of trust from his side. but imagine for a moment my side too. he was with me, supporting me, telling me he wants me above everyting and then suddenly without any explanation, he just dropped out of my life... for 2 and a half months...
i didnt know (still dont know) whether meanwhile he had other girls, im not even sure whether now while dating me he dates others too. though he says we are in a relationship, i cant be sure, cause since he left me in the biggest misery alone, i do not trust him yet again. i want to and i work for it and i hope i will soon, but not yet....
so yes, there are a lot of things left unspoken, and before he withdrew i could tell him everything in the world honestly and openly. now i cant. i feel though there is a big appreciation and attraction and respect between us and we love to be together, there are a lot of things unspoken and i feel there is a wall between us that does not allow neither of us to talk openly about 'us'.
and Brian dont worry, i do belive in astrology, but i dont build my life on it. please feel free to comment on all i said now, cause im interested as i see things wrong or not.
You can not control what other people do, unfortunately, or the thoughts they get into their head.
He is saying he is young, and wants to pursue his dreams or whatever. It has nothing really to do with you, other than he loves you and knows if he stays with you, that he feels that will hold him back from what he wants to do. That is rough stuff indeed.
I do not know what to tell you. What can you do? Not much. This is about him and what he wants to pursue, and I guess he sees having a girlfriend as being a hinderance to that. You can go on living your life, and in the future he may be back, but you can not hang your hopes on that and live your life like he is coming back one day, because that is something unknown.
He will regret doing this, that is certain, but you need to just continue living your life, and move on. You can hold on loosely to him, and that may be okay to do, only you can decide if that will work for you. I am sorry it has come to this point for you. Just makes sure you busy yourself for the rest of the school year, and the summer so you do not lay around, that is not good.
Hang in there, and take care of you.
Hello Brian, well the reason as to why I would like to move is because, his business is in the same apartment building that I live in.
If it is true that he had SEX with that one employee...then it is time for me to move on. Integrity means a lot to me; I have been celibate for 18 +months now. I figured that I would wait for him since he told me that he had to recover ( for about a year) from his stroke. I assumed that since he was recovering, that he would refrain from SEX altogether.
I don't know, it seems like decent women always get the short end of the stick...sigh.
When we start a relationship before we have ended the one we are in, that is always trouble, and it damages the relationship that we started. That is what is up here, period.
You both felt guilty, but at different times, not all at the same times, again this is fall out of starting this one too soon, while you did not have the 5 year relationship over and done. Your fault, his fault? You are correct, takes two to tango, you are both at fault. Life is not perfect, and things like this happen, that is for sure, but now you two have to clean up the mess that you have created. You are right when you called it a wall. You understand all of of this quite clearly Katie, you are a smart cookie, but you need to call up every molecule of patience and self control you have now, and you need to do some work.
You and A talked all about your five year relationship guy and the whole entire ball of wax that that entailed. It is time for you and A to talk about the two of you. You need to work through, and talk about everything that has happened. How you do that is by doing it. Not easy, but there is no easy way.
The secrecy thing, you can play that, but stuff like this does not stay a secret forever, or for that matter for very long. You need to think about that, as does he. The longer you keep it secret, the bigger the chance it will blow up in your face, an then you will be dealing with crisis number two with A.
You need to talk Katie. Things left unsaid fester. You are headed for trouble if you do not talk. I know it is going to be hard to do, and I know it will take many talks, but honey you have to do them. So get the courage and just proceed.
Oh, if you meant moving just out of the apartment then okay. I thought you meant far away to a distant land. LOL
Yes your integrity is of the utmost importance, I am glad to hear you say that. You actually got spared here, you did not get the short end of the stick. You need to take a look at that one again.
BrianTristan>> yes, i know it is a big mess. and yes, i know i was in it too. i never tried to say that i was not at fault.
and i must say, i would have NEVER done anything like this, if i didn't feel that extreme attraction towards him and his towards me. and im not talking about physical attraction, much more about emotional. i must say, i am not the dating kind, i dated maybe 4 people all my life and slept with only 2 (including A). so i am very serious about relationships. well, but i wont explain myself more about this, as there is no need, you know what i'm talking about.
in your opinion, is it very damaged? or the fact that he is still around and is kind of attached... does that mean he is willing to fight for it and try to make a real steady relationship out of it?
Brian, i just feel him being soooo closed about serious stuff. the fact that he "abandoned" me for that time... it left so deep wounds, and he made it impossible for me to reach out to him... and now im gonna admit: i also don't talk to him about things, cause i have this terrible fear that if i bring some uncomfortable topic up... he is gonna disappear again...
Also, I was wondering if you could tell me if my Ex would give me my backpay; now that he sees that I was right all along, in regard to the chaos, and deception that was going on in the company.
I sure could use this money to pay off bills.
He abandon you because he did not want to be a stepping stone, and he felt guilty, and he did not want to get found out. You are hurt? Well yes, but you were not done done with the current relationship you had, that was THE FACTOR.
The relationship is damaged, there is a wall. The wall must be dismantled brick by brick. You both have built the wall, you both have to take it down. You are fearful, and so is he.
He is still around for the same reason you are, but things left unspoken begin to rot, and then that will kill the relationship. So as hard as it is, you have to bring up the subject, and discuss everything about your relationship from start to now. You can start with how you met, and how your relationship with 5 year boy was over, and tell why you had not left. And just go from there. I do not think it is going to be one conversation, I think it will be many, and I think it will be hard. That is the road forward Katie, and it will not all be simple, easy, or pretty, but he is still around, as are you, so give it a shot. Otherwise you are just biding your time till the unsaid things begin to fester and rot, and then you will both want out.