Brian Tristan - question for you
Is Tristan your middle name? Tristan is a name that has long run in my family. I believe that it is old English or Welsh - it has an Arthurian ring to it. I have traced much of it back to the late 1790's but on the mother's side of my great great great grandfather - back to Wales in the 1600's.
Can you help me? I truly need some kind advice. I am not sure how to ask the questions though.
Tristan means sorrowful, I believe it is Celtic in origin. The story Tristan and Isolde is a famous one, as is one of the knights of the round table. There are many websites that give the origins and meanings of names, consult several and see what you come up with.
What do you need? There is no wrong or right way to ask a question, just type it out. I either get something intuitively, or not. If not I can give common sense advice on basic life stuff. Many of the answers you seek are within you, and sometimes you just need to be guided to them.
I have a couple of question actually. My life is sort of a mess right now. I have been going through a divorce for the last year. (It was coming but I wasn't prepared for it yet) HE initiated it.My husband moved out and got an attorney. (Initially I did not want a divorce but now I see that it is what has to happen)Over the past year expenses ran up - attorney bills, medical bills, home repairs etc. (everything that could have broke -broke all at once). He kept saying that there would be money from the refinance of the hosue to pay my debts, money from tax return, etc.He has a hostory of lying - or if not lying - makes it sound like he knows what he is doing. I should have known better. In the end the money to pay the bills did not materialize. I had credit cards canceld. Limits reduced, etc. I refused to pay anything towards the mortgage (The new loan is inhis name anyway with the title in both our names) I told him I would have to declare bankruptcy
which would also affect his credit rating since we are not yet divorced. So the only solution was for him to rent out his condo and for he and my 14 year old to move back into the house with me and out 9 year old. It was only supposed to be 6 month temporary but he had to take a year lease on the condo. Already the negative energy is abounding. I am anxious, upset. They are really messy and my oldest daughter is very disrepectful towards me and the household environment. I keep trying to say to myself that this wil pass and once the debts are paid off things will be better. I keep trying to envision protective light - like a force field but its not working. I feel as if the "Dark Side if the Force" has entered my home. I did have him sign a dicument that I wrote and we had it notarized thaat this move back in was solely for the purpose of getting these debts paid off and that he would move out when they were paid off
in 8 months or approximately 1 year and then we would do a bifurcation andd figure out how to sell the house etc.
Of course everyone advised us not to do this, but then they are not the ones having to pay the debts, having to take care of a developmentally delayed child while working full time and going through a divorce. I asked and prayed for help out of the situation. I feel like the UNiverse threw me alifeline and this was the only one available. LIke I told someone else - if you are drowning in a tempest and no one is around and the devil throughs you a line, are you going to go down or grab hold of the line and try to figure a way to escape the devil later?
So do you see this working out - getting my bills paid off and him moving back to his condo
and proceeding with the divorce - I know that he will try to weedle me and not want to pay me enough in support and everything, but he also knows that if he fails to agree, it will run up the attorney bills again, so I am hoping that he will be more cooperative this time.
I am so tired of it all.
Wow, you have a lot on your plate, that is for sure.
Regarding your husband, you know exactly who he is, and he will not change. You are right he will try for an angle, he will look for some scheme, he will never come at a problem head on, there is always some sort of trick he must try. So, as far as he goes, nothing new under the sun, you have seen his whole play, act 1, act 2... act 9, there is nothing new for you to see, same old tricks, the only thing that will ever be new is the theatre that the play takes place in.
Divorce is about dissolving a legal contract, sounds cold I know, but in reality whether there is hate or indifference, or even still love, does not matter, the courts do not have time for the drama, so it is all business. So, in the divorce you will divide up the real property, and financials. Child custody is typically a secondary matter, all the specifics depend on the state you are in, regardless you need your own attorney, so if you have a good one good, if not start looking now. Remember, a lawyer is not a counselor, or a psychologist, they will handle the legal work, not your emotions. It is important for this person to know what is going on though. You are entitled to half of everything, in most states, that includes the combined income of both parties, and go after it, you will need it.
Money management is going to become an issue once you are legally separated financially from your husband after the divorce. May as well start reading something now. Dave Ramsey is a good one (he is also on TV), and he deals with not living in debt, which is a novel approach, but you know all too well that having debt, any debt, creates stress, and cuts years off of your life if that is how you choose to live long term. The reason I mention this author is his approach is one you could consider now, for your future. He also addresses paying down debt now, in various ways, so there is a lot there for you to consider. And it is you who will need to be the adult in this situation, you are pretty much it. He is not, the snotty teenager is not, and the child is probably wondering what the heck is going on.
Your set up is not a very good one, but it is what you have signed on for, so you will apparently have to deal. I would strongly suggest you going to a counselor who deals with family counseling, you are going to need some mental support to get you through all of this, and someone that deals with family counseling with have many great insights for you, and how to deal with this most unorthodox set up you find yourself in.
To reiterate. Your husband lives in fantasy land, so you can not. You need your very own lawyer, a good one who deals in divorce law. You should look into Mr, Ramsey's books or TV program, and also getting a counselor who specializes in family counseling for your own mental health (also ask about guided relaxation techniques). A visit to your general practitioner (Doctor) for a full physical, and work up is also in order, so you are physically all checked out. You are going to have to take care of you first, before you can have the strength to tackle this one. You will be able to do that, as long as you have yourself squared away. Ask, RedPetals, she is on these forums, about positive affirmations for your situation, those will be ever so helpful. Hang in there, you can do it.
Best wishes & God Bless,
Hi Tristan - thank you so much for the advice AND the pointer on Dave Ramsey. I will definitely watch him. I do hope I don't have to retain another attorney as I have spent enough on this one. The main reason I have spent so much is that every time my husband did something that wasn't right I had to call her. But it didn't get me anywhere. It's supposed to be a collaborative divorce to save money but you can't collaborate with someone who doesn't listen. Anyway, the main thing right now is just to pay down the debts. The sooner the debts are paid down, the sooner this mess will end for real. Thank you for your advice. I am lucky ot have aosurce for counseling which is helpful, but sometimes they are also rather oblivious to the real costs in the real world. Thanks Cindy
Please take care of yourself. Get a full physical, the counseling support you deserve, and your own lawyer. Dave Ramsey's approach is unique and wise. Not for everyone, but if it is something that works for you, or at least some of it, it can be a real positive in your life. If you take care of you, then things will take care of themselves. I promise you that, that is very clear to me.
Good advice Brian!
Thank you. I call them as I feel them.
Hi Brian, anything for me? 10/11/50.
You did not ask a specific question, and I did not have any strong feeling one way or another, and have no idea what you really want to know about, but something happened as I was thinking about you, and the best I can gather is it was a sign.
Understand what happened I am taking as a sign, I am not affiliated, nor do I know much about this person (as of this point and time, although, I must say my interest is peaked). However, I think you should do a google search for a Doctor Kieran Kuykendall, find his website, and find the page on that website for contacting his office. You want to find if there is someone in your area who does something along the same lines as what he does, that is what you should ask his office. He is not in my area, nor is he in your area, so it is doubtful you or I will be traveling that far to see any practitioner, so you need to find one who is local. This does not replace the doctors you already have, but would be in addition to them. I am suspecting that whatever this approach is, is something that may help you. Please, research it, and be a wise consumer, as I am only sharing what I thought was a sign for you. You will have to decide if that is the case yourself, not for me to say. Understand?
Thank you Brian for you advice. I checked on the Dave Ramsey site and some of it is very valuble information and really quite do-able in many cases. I am trying to get appointeent and such for all of your other advice. I really need to be very strong and put up a wall againt the
dark cloud that seems to have entered my home right now.
You will need some support to make it through this challenging time, but I am confident that if you get that support, if you take care of yourself, that you are going to be quite alright. The dark cloud can not bother you if you get your attitude and the vibes you give off adjusted. Just think Gene Kelly "Singing In The Rain".
brian, do you see me and my ex getting back together or even going on a date? we have become friends but i get mixed signals from him/ Can you tell me if he is at least interested?
Yes if you like, but is that what you really want?
If you do, he is going to have to put some work into it. Will he? You will need couples counseling. How do you feel about that? How would he feel about that? In order to have this relationship move forward, meaning have it continue and not just end again, you guys will need counseling. Do you understand that? You can not just get back together and expect it to last. It won't.
hi everyone! sorry for invading someone's thread, but i thought i can shortly talk to BrianTristan here.
so hi, BrianTristan! you told me some days ago, if i have any question i should feel free to ask. and yes, actually there is a question i'd like to ask your opinion about.
if you are going out with someone whom you consider your girlfriend (which is i think speaking out that you are not simply dating, but you two are in a relationship) what would be the reason for you to avoid sleeping with her? if it is a too intimate question then please just tell me and no worries if you dont wanna answer. but your opinion would be really appreciated.
as i told im going out with a cancer guy. he is 34 this July, im 28. so we are not "children"... we got together end of october last year. then he had a "shelltime" till end of February. he did not break up with me, but met me rarely, well was kind of avoiding me. we did spend nights together before the withdrawal, but since then nothing. we are going out steadily now for 2 months. he is really kind, caring, all over me. he tells me i am beautiful, s-exy etc. but he is avoiding any possibility to spend the night over or invite me over...
it does disturb me a great deal... and i'd like to know your opinion.... i hope you can give me some hints... thank you in advance!
Katie Katie Katie, Katie. Were you sleeping with him before he went for his "shelltime", and since he has been back from that you have not been sleeping together? You will have to expand on that sleeping together thing. I do not want details, I want what happened physically since you started going out up to now. Do it with some tact, I just need a general idea.
Second, I want you to tell me what you think is going on, and/or some of the possible reasons why what is going on is going on.
I do have some answers for you, and I am not trying to be cruel, but I want you to do some analysis of what is up, I think it will be helpful for you, as opposed to someone telling you.
Sit down and think about it, and type out a post, but sit with it and reread it, make sure it makes sense, and is clear, before you post. This is an important exercise for you Katie. Also, get rid of the zodiac stuff for your analysis of what is going on, just for the mean time. Concentrate on the relationship and what has happened since October.
BrianTristan>> first thanks for your reply. as i thought a lot about it, i dont need to sit down and think more. i tell you all i think.
well first of all, answering your questions. we have slept together like 4 times before he went into shelltime, and i felt on him that he was absolutely crazy for me, i mean in a physical sense too (not just emotionally attracted). before shelltime we were going out for like roughly a month. we slept together only 4 times as im working fix 8 hours and he works flexible, so our timetables during the week is really difficult to match in question of spending nights together.
and yes, since he is back, we did not sleep together anymore. he mostly avoids meeting me on friday or saturday, and i think it is because of that, as those two days are the ones where he could really sleep over.
what i think is going on? when i have my pessimistic days i think he is not physically attracted to me. but that is BS, only my self-confidence problems tell that to me i think, as i DO FEEL how he kisses me and holds me that he is attracted.
so i have a feeling that he is 'afraid'... that he thinks he is not good enough for me. or on another thought he knows how much he likes me and he knows that sleeping together opens emotionally a lot of doors that he still can keep closed (as long as we dont sleep together). maybe he feels that if we get into bed (and im not talking about s-e-x inself but rather the intimacy, time spend together that way) will really make him vulnerable... and he does not want that yet. dont know, i dont find any other realistic reason than that.
please if you wanna know more, i can tell you anything you like (im not shy and we are anonymus here), so ask freely any specific question that might help...)
since october a lot of things happened. starting with the fact that i still dont know up to today why he went into shelltime... i have guesses, but we never ever brought this topic up, since he is back... i can tell you the complex story about the circumstances we got together etc. but im not sure that has to do anything with the s-e-x part...
BrianTristan>> i tried to write an as much as possible short recap of my story with crab guy:
i've known him since april 2009. my then bf and i got to know him together. afterwards we belonged to the same circle of friends.
there was an inmediate connection, i felt it and he also admitted it later. we started to e-mail secretly (he started it) and then meet secretly (but only as friends, or platonic unspoken attraction, we never stepped over the boundaries and never talked anything like that)
he did kind of flirt with me in e-mails, but quite indirectly and i did tease him back
he knew quite from the beginning that i have many problems with my relationship (which went on for 5 years back then), he was always very diplomatic, he never told me to leave my bf or anything, but he felt sorry for me knowing how my bf sometimes treated me
i arrived as far as wanting to break up with my bf (not because of cancer guy, but primarily for other reasons) and it was a long ’battle’ till at the end of october i did break up with him.
we did get together right afterwards with cancer guy. and it was really intense, im guessing that he was attracted for half year already back then and me too, so it was hard to keep ourselves away from each other, since there was no obstacle anymore.
but the situation was still complex, as my exbf lived with me for 5 years and he is from a different country and it was a long time till he packed up and got enough money to buy a plane ticket and go home, which finally happened in the middle of december.
my ex and our friends dont know about us being together. keeping it a secret was a mutual agreement, he proposed it to me, as he knew my ex and we did not wanna hurt him.
so in a timeline, i broke up with my ex in october, got together with cancer guy in october and he withdrew end of november and my ex moved out middle of december, but cancer guy only came back in full power end of february.
i thought these details may give a bit more insight, but feel free to ask more if needed. i will still think whether i left out anything that would be imo crucial to the topic.
Please tell me yes or no if he is interested or not ? Even if it is only for coffee? Is this going to stay being friends or should I move on?
Is he interested at least?