In Love With Married Man....HELP ME!!!
I met a man online in late May. From the first time we spoke, we had a connection...stronger than I had ever felt before for anyone. We have spoken, texted, e-mailed, whatever every day since the first time we talked online.
Here's the situation. We are both married. Both in severely unhappy relationships. Since then I have separated from my husband and will be divorced in a couple months. He is still living with his wife, but sleeps in the spare room. They have been on the verge of divorce for 2 years and he says he is ready to end it. He and I each have 2 children of our own.
He says that he is completely in love with me and that he knows we could be happy together. He is moving out of his home (with his wife) and moving to another city to work next month, so he will be technically separated. He says he has no intention of ever moving back in with her. She will stay in the home they have now, he will live alone in the new city.
It's good that he is moving out and separating from his wife, however, we only actually see each other maybe once a month, and after he moves it will be less.
My problem is that I don't know how long I should wait for him to get his stuff together. I mean, to actually start the divorce process, etc. I feel very very strongly for him and love him body, mind and soul. In the meantime, he wants to keep things on the down low, because both of our families would be devastated if they were to find out if we had been together before we were divorced.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
Also, he is now saying that maybe we should not be intimate until his divorce is final because it is too hard on me. I am like an emotional wreck, loving him so much, and not being able to be with him. His divorce could easily take a year or more to finalize...
Dalia last edited by
Hi, Hard to know what exactly is swirling around in his brain. If I had to read between the lines, I would say that he is feeling pressure from all sides. A divorce is hard enough to go thru, but he has kids and another relationship--you. And I forgot work. I would try to give him space. You need a time-out because that is what he wants. During this time cultivate what is you. Don't focus on him. Also, a lot of the time, divorces go along a lot more amicably if the other spouse does not know there is an extramarital affair. So, I would say he is smart in doing this. This would also help his relationship w/his kids. I think introducing you after the divorce is smart. And it may be 6 months or a year. Don't react based on fear or anxiety. Truthfully, a relationship like this sort of generates these two reactions. These are the "conditions" that have to be met right now. Think about your own family. Maybe you could spend more time w/them during this time. Don't forget you family.
Thank you so much for your words of advice. I have no one to talk to about the situation because we have many mutual friends and so in order not to disclose his identity we have both chosen to keep this to ourselves until we are in a situation we can start a normal relationship that is on the up and up. I appreciate your words of encouragement, and for your understanding. It seems like the "other" woman is always the "bad guy", but I really feel like I have not ruined his relationship with his wife, it was already pretty much over before we met. He told me this before we were romantic in any way, when we were just friends talking online. Anyhow, it gives me a lot of peace.
Thanks again, and let me know if you have any other advice.
I would advise to take it slow...enjoy your "single status", enjoy your dates with him, bide your time....don't jump head first into a "full on" relationship akin to marriage just yet. I was in the same situation as you, and I know, like you, that their relationship would have finished anyway - it probably just happened a lot quicker. Give yourself a year to fully understand your feelings - if you still feel as strongly about him,then do something about it !
I agree on the "taking it slow". However, we won't be able to even date until he is finished with his divorce, which I am guessing will be pretty drawn out. I'm struggling with what to do in the meantime. I've told him that I will probably start dating if the chance arises, and he's not too excited with that prospect, but I'm not sure that I should just sit around waiting on him, that's really not my style. I think when he gets divorced, if we still feel the same about each other then we will start dating like a normal couple and have some time to explore being together on the up and up. Right now it's hard to know what it would be like to be together "officially", since up to this point it has always been in secret.
Also, we have decided to just keep a "friendship" status until things are over with our divorces. We are no longer intimate (as of very recent).
Rnchick, if you don't mind me asking, did you end up with this man? It seems that most women in my situation don't end up being with the man....I'm wondering if it's even worth it to try. I don't know much about these types of situations and my family is very religious....very against adultery, etc, you know what I mean.
Thanks so much for your advice. It's so good to know that I'm not the only one out here in this situation. Also, let me know what you think about this; I don't feel one bit guilty for being with him before my divorce is over. I thought I would....but I don't. Is that wrong/weird?
bstksr - Yes, I married my man & we have two smashing little boys. My husband, although he had been married before didn't have children, but the "ex" was the girl who he dated for 3 months moved herself in and unfortunately had a lot of problems including anorexia & alcoholism which didn't come to light until she moved in. After 5 months my husband couldn't cope. He ended the relationship & his mother helped her to find a new flat & in the meantime she stayed at his house. We started dating but kept a very low profile until she had moved out. We married two years later. BUT, when I first split with my ex hubby (a year before I met my husband), I had a male friend who was very fanciable & was going through a messy divorce. We liked each other, got close but not intimate. I had hoped we were going to be an item, everybody presumed we were dating etc. I thought I was in love! I decided to socialise whilst waiting for him to be "free" & we could date without conscience. I then met my husband.....So, my advice is don't wait around, live your life and what will be will be. By the way, don't feel wrong for having a relationship before your divorce has been finalised....my divorce was finalised a year before I married again! And my husband got his divorce 10 yrs after splitting with his 1st wife ! Good luck xxx
I forgot to say, I had 3 children when I met my husband....so he had to adapt to having children around after 30 years of batchelorhood! (I had previously been married 15 years & my ex hubby had an affair, hence the reason for divorce).
Thanks so much for sharing your story with me. Just yesterday a random guy came up to me and asked for my number. He said, "Wow, you are gorgeous!" I talked to my boyfriend later and told him and he was not excited. He just kept asking, "so, are you going to go out with him?" He said, i figured you would date, just not right away. Anyhow, he seemed put off. Later he said that I should do what I want to do, but I know he doesn't really feel like that.
I think I will just have fun for now. I never dated much before I married my husband, it's like I have a second chance....except I have 2 kids now! Complicates things a little.
How did your husband do with adapting to the children? I am very worried about whomever I end up with, will not love my children as their own. I think that might be a make it or break it issue for me.
Enjoy your random dates - I did!!! Seriously though, regarding the children it was of big concern to me too! I didn't introduce the kids to any man, except my husband and that was after a few months of dating. He came over on my (then) youngest's birthday party ...he was 4. I introduced him to the children as my friend & he was really very jovial with them & they took to him immediately. He has been an excellent stepfather ...but he wanted children of his own & he idolises our sons...it is a different love but the care & love is still there for the other 3. It's important that the kids know that you're happy & that they get on & like your intended partner. If the children hadn't been happy , I couldn't have entered into any other commitment. Look forward to your "single" life, & love will come around the corner when you least expect - I met my hubby at a blood donation session! Good luck.
kyleigh last edited by
I beleive if someone truly loves you, I mean really loves. That person will do or go anywhere to be with you. I think you should give your love to someone who is going to give as much as you have apparently given of yourself. If he loves you so much, why do you have to keep it on the DL I mean if he says you will be together eventually one day anyway, why does it matter if his family finds out now or later? And most important if he chaeted on his estranged wife with you, how could you trust him not to eventually do the same to you. I think you deserve better. KYLEIGH
I think he does really love me, but the fact that we are both still married play a big part in our decision to not be together as of yet. I have been very worried about the fact that he cheated, however, I am in the same boat on that one. I have NEVER cheated on anyone in my life before and I have always been in serious long-term relationships ever since I was about 14 years old (I'm 32 now).
When we met, neither of us were "looking", of course, since we were both married. It was not sexual or physical in any way, it was just us talking on-line. Soon it evolved to texting, and then we eventually met up a few times. Each time we were together, it was only for a very short period of time, but the chemistry was definitely there.
In my own opinion, I think he only cheated because he knew that his wife had no love for him and he had no love for her. They had already gone to an attorney to talk about divorce a couple years ago, and had just put it off for a while. I think that they both thought it was easier to just stay in the relationship than go through a divorce, even though they both knew that it would not last and there was no love there.
Anyhow, I appreciate your opinion and your advice. It's such a difficult situation to be in and every day i think to myself, why did I get myself into this? But it's definitely not something that I purposefully chose, love happens, and it happened to me. It is just very frustrating to be in love with someone and not be able to be with them.
tabi12345 last edited by
tell him to talk to his wife, maybe get a divorce. the sooner you tell your husband, the less it will hurt.
He says that he and his wife decided to wait until after Christmas to decide what they are going to do. Also, I will be divorced by the end of January, so I don't think that there is really any reason to tell my husband.
It's hard knowing that he is still spending all his time with his wife. They still go on family trips together, etc. They don't spend much time together at home, they sorta do their own things, but it's hard knowing that he is with her instead of me.
He is very involved in his children's lives and I know that he dreads being away from them. He has said more than once that he can't imagine not waking up to them each morning. He loves them very much, and I have a feeling that is one of the reasons he has not wanted to leave her and his family. However, he is moving to a different city to work and says he will probably go home on the weekends to visit. I'm not sure if that means he is cutting ties with her or not.
We are both hoping that we can just get divorced and then start a normal relationship after it is all over with. I guess only time will tell.
Thanks for your comment.
Timolee last edited by
Learn to grow in the relationship your in or your fixing to get into something that want last.Been their there done that. Count it good go your own ways it is not worth it. Bless both of you
bstksr - whatever you do, enjoy yourself with your kids this Christmas...and try not to think about what he is doing (very hard). If I was you I would make a New Years resolution to get out & meet people & get myself busy & try not to be always available online. Let him pursue you. He sounds as though he is dragging his feet a little. Keep him as a "friend" ,give yourselves breathing space, & let the future unfold....don't wait in for him..if he really wants you he'll make sure you know it. He may not be ready to jump head first into another full on relationship as yet. Have a great 2009, live life to the full...you're still young & you owe it to yourself & your young ones to be 100% happy!
Thanks for your comment rnchick. I did have a wonderful Christmas with my kids. I have met a few new people already, and it's helping me to not focus on him so much. I'm establishing my own identity and life without him and not involving him. It's nice to be doing my own thing and not constantly dwelling on him.
My soon to be X came and stayed with me for 2 days during Christmas to be with the kids. That brought it's own set of challenges and so it made it much easier to not worry about what my new man was doing....without me. Hahahaha. My kids were so happy to have both my husband and I there for Christmas and even though it was hard on me, I think for the benefit of my children, it was worth it.
avacara last edited by
Hello I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful to you but I have beenin your situation before. In a very unhappy relationship and looked online to find a "happy" situation so that I could escape from the one I was in. I am only speaking from experience when I tell you you need to leave that man alone, you may love him or think you do but right now you need to get yourself healthy. You need to allow yourself to heal so that you can have a healthy loving connection with someone. You need to be in a place where the connection you feel is to someone who is ready to accept it as a true connection and not just an escape. I divorced my husband in 2006 and I am still single, the online love I so thought I wanted and needed is no longer there. I am still getting myself in a healthy position. You need to be alone, you need to sit quietly and reflect, ponder on what you've accomplished, let your Higher power speak to you and guide you. There is a lot of noise around you right now clouding your judgment. Get off the whole online love match and reflect on you. I hope this helps.
FireFalcon last edited by
In my opinion, if someone really loves you, then they can wait until things are better for the both of you. I wouldn't get involved with him until you are both officially single again, and no sooner... if he really is a good person and right for you, then he should understand and respect that.
But I would divorce, honestly, and then have some time to yourself. Re-evaluate your view on relationships, make some rules, expectations, boundaries, etc. Once you have it in your head exactly what you need to work on, work on it and let relationships form from your new view instead of your old one. You'll be a better person and better partner for it.
I'm glad you had a good Xmas bstksr, and I am sure you'll have a good 2009. I do agree with avacara in that you should try to steer clear of online love ...I'm sure that you are getting stronger & that by socialising away from the computer (where love is concerned) will be better for you & your family. Well done for coping at Xmas ....cheers to you & the best of health,happiness,love & wealth to you in 2009 & beyond.